Ok, so I thought that we were on the right track for the past 2 weeks or so. We had a pretty good weekend, but it all went down the tubes last night. I find out that WH last spoke w/OW 'about a week ago'. I thought it was two weeks ago! He says that they both agreed that they need to stop talking, says only contacting by cell phone, which I also thought had stopped, but he admitted she now calls him using *67 to block her # from his call log, but says he has a few other friends/coworkers that have #'s that are automatically blocked. Who knows.

I have tried all weekend to implement Plan A to the fullest, which I have been trying for the past 2 weeks, but had a few angry outbursts that I just could not control. Very controlled this weekend until last night when he admitted to another phone call a week ago.

WH also admitted that over the 2 months that A lasted he not only saw OW out @ bar & parties, but also got up early to spend some days w/her for recreational activities! He said before that she is outgoing, adventerous & fun, just like him & I am not, and that is why he is so attracted to her, feels they have such a strong R. I thought the entire A was based on meeting out @ bars & phone calls, but obviously I was wrong! H works 2nd shift, so he doesn't have to be to work until 3 pm, I work 8-5. This means mornings are free, but he has a side biz that he normally does in the morns, but obviously he used that as his cover for the duration of the A!

I feel like another bomb was dropped on me, couldn't sleep, only about 3 hrs last night. I have appt myself today w/MC, hope to get some relief there.

WH did read some of SAA yesterday, we both took EN questionaire, switched to read each other's answers alone to avoid any angry outbursts & discuss after having time to think. He also suggested taking them in to our next appt w/MC. I was not surprised to see his #1 EN is recreation, that has been his complaint since this all started, that we don't do anything together, says we never did & that is why OW so appealing to him, they have 'things in common'. We have also discussed this in MC, I have made lots of changes toward spending more recreational time w/WH, but he now says that he thinks that is great for now, but how can he be sure that won't go away in 6 months or a year? I feel like he is so NEGATIVE!!! Does he want to work @ this or not?

I was surprised by his answers to Physical Attractiveness (he rated this his #5 EN, but had a lot to say about it!). He has never said much about my looks, says that is what initially drew him to me. I know that I have very low self esteem, but people tell me all the time that I am pretty & look nice. He says that I need to improve my clothing, makeup, hair & physical fitness. I currently weigh less than before we were married, but things have loosened up some since I have had a child. I will admit that, but I also started working out again back in January, felt bad that he didn't seem to notice, but now I know it is all because of OW!!!!! And for the record my WH is not physically fit by any standards & has not worked out our entire marriage, so I feel like saying 'look in the mirror'. I know that he wants me to wear more revealing clothes, I am sure OW does!, but I don't feel comfortable in them because my self esteem is so low, especially now. I feel like he is totally comparing me to her. (I don't know what she looks like BTW, he only commented that she is a little taller than me, about the 'same size' and 'athletic', that is such a laugh because he does not even like most sports or working out!!)

Anyway, I have asked him to write NC letter, he said he would think about it. He swears that he has not spoken to her in a week & admitted it was hardest week of his life. I am no longer sure what to believe.

Will it ever get better????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mixed-up molly:
<strong> Will it ever get better???? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi M-UM - Welcome to MB! To answer your question, yes, it can get better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's good to see that you and your H are both in MC. That's a great start! I know how hurt and confused you must feel right now. My W had multiple A's during our first three years of M...

It sounds like your H is giving you an honest answer as to what his needs and desires are. I know that it hurts to be 'compaired' to the OW. Try to look at your H's responses to you as what he would like for YOU to do for him and with him... not what he liked about the OW.

Rebuilding your M is a very painful process... but if you both are commited to rebuilding and you both are willing to work very hard, then you can rebuild your M into so much more than either of you ever dreamed of...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Molly-

Glad to have ya', sorry ya had to come here.

You can get tons of answers on this site, and as heartbreaking as it seems, I think that your situation is one of the most *positive* one I've heard in a while from a new member.

Here's why I think it's positive.

1.)Your husband admitted the affair (It usually takes some serious investigation to find out about most of 'em).

2.) You husband is willing to go to MC (Very good sign)

3.) Your husband not only filled out the emotional needs questionnaire, but he's also giving you clues as to what he needs (I know he's going about it in a crude way, but he IS telling you).

4.) He even admitted to continued contact with OW, most people in affairs will just go to greater lengths to hide it.

I think that your husband REALIZES that what he's doing is wrong. Yes, he's attracted to her, but he knows he shouldn't be....so, therefore, there's probably an inner battle going on.

He is going to attempt to rationalize his reasons for having the affair - (these are just examples) If you were in better shape I wouldn't have had an affair, If you just went skydiving with me, then I wouldn't have had the affair. Some reasons my WH gave me were: The house wasn't clean enough, I didn't pay the bills well enough, he loved me, but wasn't IN love with me, and I was boring(If you knew me, you'd know this one is HILARIOUS).

You have to let all those hurtful little comments roll off your back, he's in a fog, don't believe what he says, believe what he DOES.

I would back off asking him about the NC letter, he said he'd think about it. Now concentrate on what you can do to make yourself an attractive alternative to the OW. Do the recreational activities (whatever they may be) and keep doing them......wear more revealing clothes, if that's what your husband likes.....try to fill his top 3 emotional needs.....you need to hit those needs hard, and fill them CONSISTANTLY, show him that you have changed (don't tell him "see look I do this now"....he'll notice, even if he doesn't say anything....he'll notice).

Well hon, that's about all I have for ya for now.

Some other, much wiser people should post to you soon.

We'll get you through this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Hmmm. I wouldn't take his answers to the EN questions as the complete truth right now. Seems like he might still be a little foggy there.

But you can make some changes and see what happens. If he has never been real physically active, it sounds like she might be influencing his answers. But who know?

I see your situation as very, very hopeful. Your WH is trying to be honest with you. Usually they clam up and don't tell the BS much.

Hang in there, and we will help you get through this. When you feel like you want to scream at him and slap him, come here instead. We understand how hard it is.

Thanks very much to everyone for the support. It helps to see that someone else feels that my situation is positive, or as positive as can be at this time! I am on my way to MC to see her myself. Hope to see her together this week also. I keep trying to tell myself everything that was said to me here, but it can be really hard to keep doing that when you are in these shoes!

Ok, saw MC this morning by myself. She thinks WH may be BiPolar. I am now having to deal with that. She feels that his A's have been part of the disorder as he seems to have other issues going on, seems to be in a crisis & seems to be asking for help. Anyone else ever dealt with this?