The affair was deep--over a year long with lots of deep emotional bonds and regular physical intimacy.

We are past plan A. The affair is over (3 weeks now) but she says she doesn't think she loves me, and possibly never loved me. She had feelings with her lover (emotional and physical) that she never had with me. Our marriage was always rich and blissful.

Any words of hope?

Hope? Of course. What she is saying is typical. Read everything on here, read "Surviving an Affair," "His Needs, Her Needs." Let her read them also. GET INTO MC fast, with a pro-marriage counselor. Contact the Harleys to get counseling with them, if you can afford it. This stuff is not done by the novice. You two will need help.

She is and will likely go thru withdrawal. She will miss the OM, because he was meeting needs and it is painful to lose that. This is where you step in, after the withdrawal. During this time, take the Emotional Needs questionaire on this site, and the two of you do them together. Figure out her most important emotional needs. Figure out what the OM was meeting, and why. And then you work on meeting those needs.

It will not be easy. But the process is very simple. Read, read, read. Then bring your specific questions here and we will help. Unfortunately, the BS has to do most of the recovery work in the beginning. So for awhile, you will feel like you are doing all of the heavy lifting. Oh well...get used to it.

Sit back and LISTEN. She will say a lot of "foggy" things (if you dont know about the Fog, then ask). But in those statements, there will be truth. You have to find that truth. So, if you are confused, post it here and we can help you decifer her statements. Because, it is the truth in there that will give you the opportunity to meet her important needs and move things forward.

You and your wife are not unique. Sorry to say that. My wife, and others on here...said the EXACT same things. These affairs are remarkably similar. It is like the WS and the OP read fro mthe same playbook. So, dont take what she says literally, because she is just followign the Fog.

Anyway, we await your specific questions in order to help.

In His arms.

Cain,
For the WS, it is a choice to love the BS, and when you are feeling all giddy with the OP, which whom it comes so natural, you then confuse the "real" love, the love of choice, for being "not in love with" because the fantasy love, the love of euphoria is stronger at the time.

Therefore, NC is important, break the bond, so the mind can clear and then the mind can chose to love the person they are married too.

Once your W clears her head of OM, her feelings for you will start to resurface, and at that stage, she will say, what the heck was I thinking??

Best of luck to you Cain. ((((CAIN))))

KY

Thank you all for your words. Can anyone explain "fog" or point me to a link?

Thank you all for your words. Can anyone explain "fog" or point me to a link?

Cain I just did this on your other thread. Hope it helps.

This is the usual "fog talk". If we had a dime for every WS (wayward spouse) that said, "I don't love you, I never loved you", we would all be millionaires.

An A exists in a world that is insulated from reality. Within an A, there bills are always paid, the kids are always happy, the car always starts, and the dog is always fed--in other words, it is a pretend world.

On top of that, WS has had to lie to you, OP (other person) and to himself/herself, and he/she has to somehow keep all of this consistent. (Whew...) After a year of the A, she probably is so confused she couldn't find her a** in a snowstorm. So, the WS makes statements that logically make no sense.

I made the same statements to my W. Now, I think I've got the greatest W in the world. I love her dearly. If you and her commit to building a better M for you and her, it is possible for you and her to have a much more meaningful relationship and for you to have a much deeper, fulfilling M.

Does she "not love you" now? IMHO, she probably doesn't love you in the same way as she did when you and her first got married, and that is what has gotten her confused. Trust me, there is a type of love much better there than the "romantic love" of a couple of newlyweds.

While on the topic of illogical statements, You said, "Our marriage was always rich and blissful." No, it wasn't. You perhaps *thought* it was, but she probably was unhappy in the M well before the A started.