Hello everyone,

Don't know how many of you will remember me. I had posted over a month ago asking, among other things, how long it takes for the fog to lift and intimate feelings to return. I'd received some very honest, albeit tough to take, advice and observations from you, and I wanted to acknowledge my gratitude for your reading and feedback, and give an update to my situation.

Quick summary of my situation if you missed it: I'm the WS, had a 7-month PA/EA with a MM. Pretty much in step with the A "script".... we fell in "love," were talking seriously about D our S's, etc. What's particularly heinous about what I did is that I also knew W; the two of them had divulged to me on separate occasions that they were not happy in the M, and would not be upset if their lives continued to evolve so that they rarely crossed paths. W had even jokingly referred to me as her H's "playmate" (we were routinely meeting to i.e. run, workout, and ski together). Pathetically, I think I used her attitude as a way to assuage my guilt ("Well see, she doesn't seem to have real deep feelings for him anymore"), and I was constantly "looking" for "evidence" in my H's behavior that would indicate the same. Amazing how the mind will work to justify one's behavior.

Anyway, about 2 weeks before DDay, I'd told OM that I felt we both need to come clean with our S's. It was bad enough (?!?) that we'd begun the A, which I have to admit was more the result of sexual lust than anything else. But now... 7 months later and now with both of us admitting a deep emotional involvement, clearly there are big issues with us (both as individuals and with our marriages) that need to be dealt with. I told him we owe it to our S's to either come clean and take the steps needed to work on our M's (including end the A) or, at the very least, stop the A, tell our spouses, and end our M's (and/or let our S's make that choice) so that at least we're stopping with this selfish, secretive existence. OM had agreed (at least verbally, which I realize means nothing), but sadly, we did nothing to act on this suggestion. And two weeks later, deservedly, we were caught. Almost relieved (and ashamed beyond comprehension that it took a DDay to push me to do this), I confessed the entire situation to my H. I'm feeling disgusted just recounting this.

With the A now known, I figured that was the end of it -- regardless of what OM and I originally thought we wanted. I was also shocked and humbled at the fact that my H was willing to work on the M, considering what I had done.

I have to admit, in those initial two weeks that followed, my common sense instinct -- that I should work on the M with the man I originally fell in love with and the man who is so gallantly standing by my side -- was in great conflict with my emotions; I was about as smitten for the OM as I could have been. The fog was thick. The pain was bright hot. I couldn't believe it was possible to feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself and STILL want to be with OM, but there it was. It wasn't pretty. I hated that I was/am capable of feeling such things, worse still that I had been acting on these feelings for many months. I'm an educated and professionally successful woman. Everyone who knows me describes me as a happy-go-lucky, caring, deeply compassionate person. I have no abuse or other major trauma in my life. Yes, I have some issues of major fear and insecurity arising from my family upbringing, but sheesh, who doesn't have some baggage from their family? I never "saw" myself as the kind of person who could cheat and lie, and here I was, having been caught doing the mother load of cheating and lying. And yet I still wanted to see the OM in spite of my H's incredible support.

OM and I had three more communication exchanges in the two weeks that followed DDay. Two were emails (both CC:d to my H), one was a phone call. All three pertained to business; OM and I knew each other professionally for years before becoming involved in the A. During the phone call, OM made it known that he and W were divorcing, that she wanted to stay married but he felt that the M had long since run its course (his words, no 2X4's to me, please!). Even if I wasn't to leave my H, he felt there was no reconciling the large rift in their M. I can't speak to his situation, as I don't know what specific issues there were pre-dating the A. But the fact that he was making it known that he wishes to pursue an "official" R with me, that he wishes to marry me, made for an extremely tough time for me. I knew this was wrong, I knew that the two of us should work on our M's, but that emotional/ego side of me was feeling the high that comes when someone you desire intensely is expressing the ultimate in desire for you. I suddenly felt torn with what to do, in spite of the fact that I KNEW what the right thing was to do.

Wisely, you all advised I find a way to cease contact with him so that I could focus on my M. I'm embarrassed to admit, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do (the hardest being telling my betrayed H what I had done). But I did. I told OM (via phone and then with a follow-up email, both witnessed by H) that we need to end contact with each other and work on our M's. He was actually very calm about it, though he did point out that he did not see a reconciliation between him and W. I told him fine, but even so, I need to work on my M, and even if his M did not work out, he needs to focus on what it was in him that compelled him to look outside of his M when life wasn't going the way he wanted it. I told him we need to look at the A as an opportunity for tremendous self growth, that clearly we each had much to do to improve ourselves, that we need to learn how to be happy without having to turn to the addictive high of seeking someone else's approval. I said it with conviction, as though I knew what I was talking about, even though deep down I felt very weak and shaky in my belief that I could do this without OM in my life.

I know that this was probably too much dialogue for me to involve myself in, but he did concede that I had a good point. And happily, he has respected my request for NC. It's now been about a month since our last exchange (the NC email).

To say it's been rough is an understatement. I now know the meaning of "fake it before you make it," because it describes much of my existence over the last couple of months. However, my H made it known that if my behavior did not ***immediately*** connote a desire to change and work on the M, he would leave me. I'd read to him some of the threads of BS's going through Plan A and Plan B -- the unresponsive behavior of th WS in many of those instances, and he promptly told me that he personally did not have the kind of patience demonstrated by some of the posters here, that if I dared behaved the way some of these WS's continued to behave even after DDay/ after Plan A/ Plan B, etc. was initiated, he won't stick around; we would divorce. I respect that. I'm just grateful that he's so willing to give me a second chance.

So.... I pretty much threw myself into recovery. We cannot afford counseling right now (my breaking off all professional ties pertaining to OM dealt a huge financial blow to us), so we set out to give it a go on our own. We've spent hours and hours talking, but we also observe very tight boundaries. If one of us (especially H) doesn't want to "go there" momentarily, or if the conversation turns a direction that is too painful, we back off. It's been a very eye-opening process, lots of "Ah-HAH!" moments. I realize that having the A was and is totally my choice and doing; nothing H did or didn't do justified my actions. However, we both have acknowledged that we both played a role in the deterioration of our M that put me in the kind of mindset in which I was more vulnerable to the allure of A and the OM. It's disconcerting that there's no guarantee it won't happen again, but I also don't ever want to find either of us in this situation again. I can't believe how much I hurt H, and that I could do so for such an extended period of time.

We have also done much in the way of scheduled time together. A friend of mine was recently in need of help, having broken off a destructive and abusive relationship with a long-term BF. She moved into an apartment but had no furniture and very few essentials. H and I were able to dig through our house and find i.e. our old knife set and cookware (we'd just replaced these things as our Christmas gift to each other), assorted furniture, etc. to give to her. Taking the "goods" to her new apartment and showing a united front in supporting her and helping her get set up was a monumental first step for us, though our conversation as we drove to and from her place was tense. But we've persisted; we've made a point of working out together, of taking long drives, etc. Recently, I scheduled a ski outing for us -- the first time for both of us, a long-time dream of mine, which was a blast; I literally don't remember the last time I was so jubilant! We've used a gift certificate given to my H for a romantic dinner out. I have continued my pursuit of cooking, experimenting with different recipes and "healthifying" them by substituting lighter and more nutritious ingredients. I'm really enjoying the process of cooking with fresh herbs, and H is loving it because it's finally enabling him to feel satisfied on lighter fare; since DDay he's lost about 15 lbs. and is looking much better. Slowly, I'm beginning to feel genuinely attracted to him again. I am also learning all about wine; we're going to tastings and I'm reading everything I can find on the subject. Quite an adventure for us, as we choose a wine to go with dinner and discuss it as we eat and sip. We've also bought... of all things... board games, and use Sunday nights to unwind to them. And while I have always done the grocery shopping, H and I now try to do a once a week "field trip" to our favorite ethnic or produce market or bakery, to pick out fixings for either Friday or Sunday dinner.

Slowly, we're beginning to watch movies together again, both at the theater (less often... $$$) and via rentals, which I'm enjoying tremendously. And slowly, we're becoming more comfortable with SF. I have to admit, this is the last holdout for me; I want to be intimate, but I don't "feel" much specifically in that regard. I feel very affectionate, but the sexual attraction has yet to return. I have not told H this. But I know that this could take a while, so we've been intimate very regularly, and it continues to be very pleasant, if not yet earth-shattering for me.

On my end, I'm doing much to improve myself. I have taken several steps to continue snuffing the last 5-10% of my eating disorder, and am making excellent progress with that. I've also taken steps to become more independent; that is, less dependent on others for strength/living/security. I have assumed responsibilities for making small repairs in the house (i.e. nail holes, painting, etc.) and bough a great "even a kindergartener could do this" type book to help me with it. H has always done everything pertaining to the car; I have recently taken the car to get the oil changed (don't laugh! this is a big step for me!) and figured out how to add my own windshield wiper fluid (again, a biggie for me). I have begun to do my own banking and have taken steps to add new clients to replace the lost business from OM. I'm also taking over some of the "grunge" tasks from H, whose time at the office doesn't really permit him to do these things easily (i.e. run to the cleaners). I'm also doing far better in keeping a clean house, which in itself is extremely gratifying. So nice to have an orderly house! I'm also beginning to meet with girlfriends of mine for coffee, and am toying with the idea of resuming taking a ballet class once a week (I'm a former professional dancer). During all of this, I have continued to exercise vigorously almost every day, and have learned to use the sauna to help calm down. I have also entered my first race: a 10K in about 8 weeks. All of this has helped to keep me busy and moving forward.

If I said this has all happened without any backward glances, I'd be untruthful. Not a day goes by that I'm not thinking about OM. I wish I could say I hate every memory, but the truth is, OM was the person who re-ignited so many of my long-forgotten interests (i.e. the cooking, the skiing, the wine...), and for that I'm so appreciative. I wish I could say I feel disgusted when a song or an image brings up a memory of an experience with OM, but the truth is, I still cherish those memories. I don't feel foggy anymore (though I know better than to think I'm out of the fog altogether), but the withdrawal lingers. Contributing to our stress has been what H and I can only laughingly chalk up to Murphy's Law, but we've had two separate emergencies (totally unrelated to the A) that took each of us to the ER, ongoing car trouble and an attempted break-in while I was in the shower. But we seem to have emerged from the extra stress intact.

However, I'm having lots of moments lately where I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For one thing, I feel so much more accomplished, doing so much on my own that does not require another person to feel happy. More and more, I find myself "bopping" to music and mouthing the lyrics unconsciously -- a surefire indicator that my mood is lightening up. I feel very optimistic, like somehow everything is going to be OK, and I feel so awash with gratitude and love for my H for what he has put up with, it's indescribable. I continue to ask him how he feels about our recovery, and he tells me he feels very good about it, though it's not yet known if he'll ever be able to trust me again (understandable), a fact that we realize could be an impediment down the road. But for now, we both feel very optimistic so far.

I just wanted to thank so many of you for reaching out and offering me such helpful advice when I really needed a whack on the head. My journey is far from over and we're far from out of the woods, but I do feel that I've been set back on the right path. I've behaved beyond reprehensively, and I know I'm still at times my own one-person pity party, but I also feel I've made more strides in the way of self improvement in the last two months than I had in the previous ten years.

oatmeal

A wonderful (and honest) update.

Thank you.

Pep

Hi Oatmeal,

I remember you.

I am SO glad things are looking like they will work out for you and your husband!

Cruz

thanks for sharing.

bumpin' up for SSOM

Wow, I can't believe how similar our situation is. I feel like you've just written my story. I just hope my situation turns out as good as yours.

Whisper

PS - do you think you'll get that "sexual attraction" back?

So glad oatmeal its working for you.

its so hard to get over your own actions is what I am finding.

the SF was first wanted by my H and then when I wanted it from him he didn't... the ups & downs of anger & pain. Dont be too surprised if your H anger surfaces down the track. Our MC/IC says its not too unusal ...very painful though.

Funny about om, I dont blame him for anything, dont thank him for amything either. I dont feel anything about him which I hope is good. Still full of remorse & disgust for what I did and hope to never not feel that way. Just want to put it in context one day. I guess you will too as time goes on.

working hard to earn my H trust again one day, no matter if it takes years, because at least hopefully if God is kind to us we WILL now have years together .... maybe learn to help him in his anger too though Lord knows what.

so glad that you are getting to enjoy the little things again along with your H & M. Its amazing to see things so clear thats a real gift. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good job!
Keep at it!

I am impressed with your desire to update here. I applaud you for your recent actions and wish you and your H all the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I wouldn't call it a wonderful update by ANY stretch, but I'll admit it's probably honest. Oatmeal has wrecked her husband emotionally, but "for that I'm so appreciative" of the rekindling of vavious interests by her "playmate" and "I still cherish those memories." This is so wonderful I feel like puking. The fog was thick, was it? I say it's still much like pea soup.

Hello Oatmeal,

I bet you never envisioned that you would be on these pages. It is truly something to absorb the small string of events that grew into the terrible result that you and your husband are recovering from.

As I have said many times, recovery is almost a sure thing if both partners desire it. It sounds to me that you are such a couple. I can’t get the smile off my face.

What will you do with the opportunities that await you?

Mr. G

Hello oatmeal,

I did post to you before and I am glad to hear that things are at least on the right path now and you did indeed give Recovery a try.

There are only 3 things that I would like to address from your post.

1) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize that having the A was and is totally my choice and doing,nothing my H did or didn't do justified my actions </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THEN:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We both have acknowledged that we both played a role in the deterioration of our M that PUT ME in the mindset in which I was more vulnerable to the allure of the A and the OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is contradictory blaming and you have to take responsibility all the way down the line oatmeal.Your WH was not responsible for your mindset.YOU ARE.We all deal with other's in our lives and react certain ways.You chose to react a certain way with OM regardless of what your H did or didn't do.If you go to my recent thread about MB vernacular and on the Recovery board about Why WS's have A's you will see how your way of thinking sheds individual responsibility.

2) Romanticizing and appreciating the OM's ingnition of your own interests was a lack on YOUR part to maintain them.OM is in no way shape or form to be lauded here.As other WS's have suggested,you have to retrain your mind to think of anything about OM as inappropriate and mean,etc.he had no business doing ANYTHING with you, being a married woman.DO NOT CHERISH ANYTHING about OM OK?! You have to forget that rubbish and it is.You may not want to give that up but you must for your H and for your Recovery.

3) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's disconcerting that there's no guarantee it(A) won't happen again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This will be entirely up to you: to have safeguards in place and to be educated enough how avoid it in the future.It can be done.The choice is yours.

All in all,I think you sound good.The best to you and your H~

O

Oatmeal,

I am very happy for giving yourself and your M the chance of recoverying. I remember the first time you posted I replied. Then I read your second posting answering to all the MBers who gave you advice and thought: God, the fog is thick. The only thing I can tell you is to be ready for a long and painful journey. Take the opportunity that is in front of you for doing a deep introspection. You have to figure out why you did it. There might be more reasons than the $$$$$$$ and SF. Congratulations! Whenever you are down, come back, we are here to support you.

Oatmeal:

Thank you for such a honest, open and complete update.

It sure can be very scary to open yourself like this.......yet you did it anyway.

Be PROUD of yourself for having the courage to do this.
I'm pretty sure that I couldn't force myself to be this Open.......so I respect the heck out of you for Being Able to Do So!

Truly, I am grateful whenever a WS is willing to "show the world" what has / is going on inside of their heads and hearts. [The non edited version, that is]
It lets me get another "peek" into at least some of what my own WS has / is going through.

I also appreciate you going into so much detail.
Not to be voyeuristic, but your taking the time, trouble and even risk to really "flesh out" many of the complexities of your situation is something that I can begin to get my understanding around.

By not being vague ... it lets me at least begin to further understand the mindset, feelings and actions involved.....and ideally with understanding can come Forgiveness and reconciliation.

I wish more were as comfortable being as thourough as you've been here.

Yes, of course no 2 situations are Exactly alike....however, I've found that they are usually much more similar than Not.

Your being sooooo honest Helps more people then you know (as it takes down some of the secrecy and perhaps misconceptions some BS may still have).

In addition, it helps confirm things we Already Know...but that our own Spouse is afraid to admitt to.
As a result we can point to others (such as yourself) that are Feeling this way OR That ....and perhaps give our own WS the "out" they need to be honest (as they realize they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings).

Our own WS may not be willing to show us the complete picture as they either think it will hurt us more or they don't want to look any worse then they already do.

A great example of this is your admission to "thinking" of the OM just about everyday (and not in a bad way either).

Almost all of the WS DO NOT WANT to admit things like this (as they think this will not be helpful and that they can deal with it on their own).

Unfortunately, they still haven't learned the lesson that Honesty is a better policy to follow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So again, your very thorough post is appreciated ....Thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />