MAC

I guess I will try to answer your questions first. My thoughts about the OM has been on a daily bases for years. Music on the radio, movies, television, and everyday occurances can spark a memory. I can't change them happening unless I just isolate myself from everything around me. Kids listen to music and watch TV. I can't stop them or my H from doing these things. My dreams can cause memories to return to my consciousness. I don't ask for the dreams, they just occur. How do you control your dreams?

We have seen each other twice in 15 years. My H was not in town with me and the kids when we went to visit our families. The other time, I was home working with my brothers. My H didn't want to come and took care of the kids. H is in the Navy and can only take 10 days of leave at a time. Vacations are always cut short for this reason. We only see the families twice a year.

My parents and his mother are next door neighbors. They do talk with each other. Word does get around. I have currently lost my parents and have been working with brothers to clean up the mess, hard to do that in SC when they lived in PA.

There is NC except these two times. The dreams happend when there is NC. They just happen. I can't control them. I just wake up and say to myself, ugh another one, why can't I stop dreaming about him?

My H does know about my dreams and have talked with him about them. I have told him I don't like having them, but I can't control what I dream. We have been in MC at least 5 times throughout our M. The Counselor has said, "this could be as good as it gets!" Refering to my H's abilities to meet my needs and to communicate with me. He is refusing to see an IC. The OM is not providing EN's in any way. He lives in PA as well.

As for WAT, yes I have read and responded to his thoughts.

Lisa

Lisa,

I'm just going to sort of shoot from the hip here, and if you are interested in what I have to say I can expand.

I think very little of your distress has to do with OM. I think it has to do with being unhappy with many of the choices you have made n your life..and unhappy with where those choices have led you.

You have no career, you're married to a man who is often away, you have several children that you love...perhaps the day to day maintainance of them is not as fullfilling as you had supposed.

Fair enough. Add to that a history of what might be considered "unfinished business"..a very exciting and presumably consuming romance that ended on a sad note with much loss..as it looks to me that there was a pregnancy..that ended in adoption. Looks like that was the end of the romance as well.

So, Lisa..that's a pretty big plate full of problems. Dreaming about OM is far less important than you may think. It isn't him..it's how you felt at the time..young, excited..full of hope.

What I would offer, as the simple [notice I didn't say easy] solution is for you to find a way to become excited about your life again. That your happiness in life not be so very dependent on your mate.

All of the circumstances re childcare/careers that you describe are changable and negotiable.

I'd start there, rather than use escapist tactics such as turning a youthfull romance into an adoration.

Noodle

IMHO, you need IC more than you need MC. It sounds like you are want someone to "make you happy." Nobody is going to make you happy but you.

You have convinced yourself that OM will make you happy. It sounds like your relationship is a romance novel--"two soulmates, lovers at a young age, yearning for passion, but separted by circumstances beyond their control..."

You've watched one too many soap operas. OM is something you created in your memories. OM won't make you happy. You aren't the same person you were 15 years ago, and he isn't either. Whoever you and he were 15 years ago are gone, and they aren't coming back.

The only person that can make *you* happy is *you*--not your H, not your kids, not OM.

Instead of sitting around "yearning" for the OM, what have you done to make *YOU* happy? What do you do to feel good about yourself? What progress are *YOU* making to become a better person?

Life is in part about "achieving our potential". What have *YOU* done? Have you gone to school, do you have a job, do you travel, do you read?

You asked, "I should be satisfied with that, right?" Answer: NO. Living the way you are living would drive anyone crazy.

The solution to improving your life is not in pursuing your fantasy, but in working on yourself.

Lisa V.

I just checked back in on your thread.

I'm sure it is a very sensitive matter, but I want to ask for clarification. To be plain, did you have an abortion or did you give up a child for adoption. Sorry to ask such a Q, but I think that pregnancy is the key to all of this.

Maybe I already mentioned this, and perhaps you already have a long list of book recomendations. - but there is a (little) book that I think might be helpful to you in either case. I'll tell you about it if you ask. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-AD

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Noodle

Thanks for the response. I do have to agree with you that I have made some bad choices and have been unhappy with some of them. I have had to deal with a great pain at a young age. To answer your question about the baby, I had an abortion.
The experience left me very depressed. I was in IC as a teenager, but not sure it helped much.

I do have a career but I have been unable to go back to it because of my husbands job and because I feel my kids need me at home. Ages 15, 12, and 9. I got my BS in Nursing before I got M. I worked about 6 years before I had children. We got M 1989 and I went part time. We moved and I had two kids. We moved in 92, 93, 94, and 95. I would have to go back to school to get refreshed. My H is in the process of getting his MBA. I can see only one of us getting their schooling. He is to get out of the Navy next year, but he is not sure yet?! Might stay in till 30 years.

The timing is not good right now either. On top of all the sadness and disappointments in my choices, I have now lost both my parents recently. I am dealing with my brothers to distribute my parents assets and estate. This is a huge job that is consuming me and my brothers. It is also causing our relationships to be questioned too.

I know happiness comes from inside of ourselves, but when you have had a great deal of pain and stress in your life it is hard to pull yourself up and out. I am in IC for those reasons and for the A's. Yes, I am unhappy in my marriage, but hope to renew my feelings for my H through MB's. I am trying to make the right choices for me and my family. The OM made a dramatic whole in my life and I can't seem to let it go.

I think you are on the right track and am very glad you posted. Also, I have felt that the other posts hit like 2X4's but, I know it is their own pain that makes them come across angry. I just want someone to help me understand what is wrong with my thinking and feeling and how to help my M. Again, thanks and post again please!

JIMMY MAC

Thanks for posting. I appreciate your input. I do agree with you that I should find happiness within myself. Unfortunately, I have been depressed for awhile about my life and the circumstances in it. I have been on AD for 9 years but not for depression. I know that sounds strange but true. It may help some what, but has not helped enough. My Dr. has given other things but my body doesn't like them. I have no motivation to do much of anything, I do what is necessary.

I have spent time volunteering at my kids school. I bowl in a Ladies League on Wed. for the last 9 years. I am in another League on Thurs. nights. I read more than I have in my life and I do crocheting also. I know the part of my life I am missing is the closeness of a good friend. I have a few girlfriends, but the are busy and have problems of their own. Timing usually is not too good.

Read my stitch to Noodle why I can't go back to work or school. It is all about priorities here, even though I am unhappy. It is a sacrifice I have to make for my family.

Now, as to the beginning of your thread, I think you are way off base.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like your relationship is a romance novel--"two soulmates, lovers at a young age, yearning for passion, but separted by circumstances beyond their control..."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You've watched one too many soap operas. OM is something you created in your memories. OM won't make you happy. You aren't the same person you were 15 years ago, and he isn't either. Whoever you and he were 15 years ago are gone, and they aren't coming back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We were not separated by circumstances until I got M and wanted children. Our relationship lasted for 11 years even though it was on and off. It was more of an open relationship. No one created walls or committments, we were just there for each other. You are right though, I am not the same person and neither is the OM, but we are still attracted to each other and those feelings and memories have not faded for either one of us, which is a problem for my M. I know the OM can't meet my relationship needs or my family needs, which is what my H can. I am not yearning for the OM. I know the kind of relationship it would be if we did get together and I know I am not willing to do that at this time in my life, but I do dream about him on a regular basis.

I do have one more comment to all this. I have grown stagnant and am unhappy. I know it is up to me to make the changes in my life. My M could be in more trouble if I made more life changing decisions to go back to work or school, especially, if my H wants to move or go back to sea. My happiness is important, but what if it is not a good time to throw these things at my family? The only stable thing in my kids life is me not my husband! Again thanks for the insight and your opinions.

AD

Thanks for the checking up on me and for your post.

YES, I had an abortion because my parents did not or could not deal with a grandchild or a pregnant daughter.

Yes, I am interested in a book and appreciate any information that could help. I am asking for the book, if you haven't guessed. Oh, I am waiting to hear what book it is because I think I know which one it might be. THE BIBLE!

Thanks AD appreciate your response and threads.

Lisa,

1st I want to commend you on coming this far w/ opening up about your problems!!! It is a start. You have me convinced that you sincerely want to fix you M. I not sure but I thought I made a suggestion to you about getting your H to open up more. It went something like using reverse psychology. Asking if he was happy, what are some things that you can do to be a better W, etc. If, so did you try it? If not, exactly what steps have you taken to try to get him to open up and communicate more?

Lisa V.

Well, I can't argue against the Bible...

But what I had in mind was Ambiguous Loss, by Pauline Boss.

It's more applicable to the case where a child was given up for adoption.

-AD