Last night he told me he is filing for divorce. He no longer loves me and he won't come back to an unhappy marriage just for them. He is not interested in MC or IC he just wants out. He says it is not about the OW he tells me swears up and down that it is not about her and that he hasn't even spoken or emailed with her. I now know this is a lie as I opened his email account and saw two emails from her. I had some much hope and obviously that is shattered. Where is my God? What is to become of me and my three children ages 7-17? I feel like a used rag thrownto the curb. I feel responsilbity too in that I wasn't the best wife I could be over the years. I've read SAA so I know all the stuff, but it hurts SOOOOOOO bad. I can see no light. I know somehow I will make it throug to the other side, but why all the pain . . .???? And what of my children . . . .

{{{{Hugs}}}}}
I know you are in a lot of pain right now. Your WH is in such a deep fog, he can't even think straight. You will make it though all of this. My STBX left in July and never came back. He filed for divorce in Nov. He never even gave us a chance. He also wouldn't go to MC. He says he didn't leave for OW but now lives with her.
I am actually in a better place now and you will be too one day. Hang in there. It does get easier...I promise. Just love your kids and let them know you are there for them. It's so hard on them.
There really isn't much you can do for your WH right now. Just take care of yourself.
God Bless you!

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

Jade,
keep the faith. Your God is with you because he led you to this site. He (God) gave you 3 beautiful children. Chances are you tried to be the best wife you can, but who is perfect? Your WH certainly is not!! It is a tough day, but it is just one day. Take stock in what you have as an independant woman, seek legal counseling to protect you and your kids.(see if there is local legal aid society or women's center.)

My WH is moving out tonight, I don't know what the future will bring. But I know in my heart of hearts like most women I am strong and I will do whatever it takes to protect my family, and help them thrive.

God Bless I will add you to my prayers

I don't know if this will help, but the things you have written that your WH said were spoken almost word for word by my FWH. He is following the script. My FWH was gone for 6 months, has now been back for 3 1/1 months and we are on our way to recovery and building a stronger, happier marriage that is better then we ever had.

I know this is painful and devistating but it will be better, one way or another. You have your three beautiful children to focus on. They are your guiding force right now, be the best parent you can be. Allow yourself to grieve but do not allow it to swollow you up. Get out with the kids, take them fun places, make big fun Saturday breakfasts and sit around the house in your PJ's all day just goofing around. Your children will come through this because of you, you will make sure you are the stabilizing force in their lives.

thank you all for your support. what i struggle with is how do you make such an important decsion as to end your marriage and be separated from your kids without thinking thru every scenario. Case in point this morning I aksed him if he'd thought about what we would do with the kids this summer (who will watch them - as I have gone back to work to help support us as WH is in a start up wiht no income). WH says he hasn't thought of that. . . . WHAT???? i sm already trying to figure out how i will function as a single mom years down the road and he is going to divorce me and hasn't thought about a few months down the road??? The email from the OW says " i can't bear being without you. . i can't believe blank (me) has just pissed away all these years not appreciating you. i know i would have". this is unbearable. i feel so unloved unwanted and disposable.

Hi jade, did you take our advice in your previous thread and expose this affair to the OW's husband, your family and his family? Because unless you are willing to take steps to bust up his happy affair, your situation is pretty hopeless.

You need a PLAN here to save your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jade05:
<strong>i sm already trying to figure out how i will function as a single mom years down the road and he is going to divorce me and hasn't thought about a few months down the road??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">jade, instead of trying to figure out how to function as a single woman, please try and let us help you figure out how to save your marriage. Your marriage is not anywhere close to hopeless unless you continue to do nothing about this situation; then it is hopeless.

But you have lots of tools at your disposal that have never been used. So before you throw in the towel, let us help you with a PLAN designed to save this marriage. You have nothing to lose, do you?

First, stop reading the e-mails. You know he is seeing the OW so reading the e-mails accomplishes nothing and only brings you more hurt and pain. I had access to my FWH's e-mail after he moved out, but I never looked at it. I didn't need to do something that would bring me more pain.

You're right he's not thinking, WS's rarely think straight. He has no idea the impact this decision will make on his life and your children's life. It can't hurt to point these things out in a non LB manner. He wants his freedom? Give it to him. In reality it's not yours to give him. He is a grown man who can do what he wants. My FWH wanted his freedom and you know what he discovered? He really did have a good life at home that he missed. He missed his home, his animals, his life (family is the most important thing to him and he couldn't bring OW to any family events), and in the end he realized he missed me too. I made sure he saw the best side of me, so he would really know what he was missing. This is where Plan A comes into play.

What is your plan? How are you going to fight for your family and M?

Plan???? I feel like i can barely function. No, I have not talked to OW's husband. Both of our families know and three sets of friends. I am somewhat afraid that if I talkk to OW's H that my husband will retaliate finacial and custody wise. I am scared to move. in any direction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jade05:
<strong> Plan???? I feel like i can barely function. No, I have not talked to OW's husband. Both of our families know and three sets of friends. I am somewhat afraid that if I talkk to OW's H that my husband will retaliate finacial and custody wise. I am scared to move. in any direction. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one can make you gain the strength you need to push through this, this is something you will have to create yourself -and it will become easier over the coming days. You just get tired of being s**t on and you realize that you have to fight for what is right. The initial pain is immobilizing, you don't feel you can think or breathe; all you can do is watch your world fall apart. This diminishes over time. As for custody, I can almost guarantee that unless you walk into a courtroom with a heroin needle hanging from your arm, your husband has little chance of gaining custody of your children. Men are not looked highly upon in today's custody hearings, even the good men.

Your situation is almost verbatim to most all BS': the rhetoric, the lies, the deceit, etc. I do believe that the OP is not the cause of the affair, as WS' claim, they are merely the tool that the WS uses to live out the deep seated character flaw inside themselves. This is not a condemnation of the WS, as all fall short of perfection, but in the realm of marriage, they lacked an essential virtue necessary for this institution.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan???? I feel like i can barely function. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly why you need a Plan. Trust me it will make you feel better, you will feel more in control. It will give you something to work towards. Right now you are wandering aimlessly, you need a goal.

Also, it will help once you realize your situation is not unique, he is following the script. Everything he is saying and doing has been done a 1,000 times before. Yes, it hurts and No you don't deserve to be going through this. But you are and now you have to deal with it. Do you want to sit back, feel sorry for yourself and do nothing to save your M? Or do you want to fight for your family.

If you are afraid he will retaliate then you need to go see an attorney to see what the situation really is. What are your rights? What are his legal responsiblities. Take the fear out of the equation.

How do I go about starting Plan A at this point? I've already spent last night and this morning crying and pleading with him. I called him later today and apologized for how I acted as that is not the person i want to be. Do i just go on my merry way waitng for the divorce papers? Be polite and kind and let him see the kids, take them on spring break without me, celebrate his birthday which is in one week and wait until he files. I am not weak. I can do this I just do not know what to do? My brain is fried, can you help me?

O-k, now you can start to save you M! You can't change what you have done in the past so don't focus on that. Focus on how you are going to act in the future. No more questions, no R talk, no pleading. You need to be the fun, self-confident, sexy woman that he M. Be pleasant and friendly. If at anytime you feel you can't, leave the room, go for a walk, do something just don't LB. One LB can undo weeks of Plan A. Do you cook? Make big gourmet family meals, isn't the way to a mans heart through his stomach? Make his favorite cookies. Don't say anything, just leave them out for him. Plan fun things to do with the kids and always invite him to join you, don't expect him to join you but if he does enjoy being a family together. If he doesn't want to go, you guys go without him and come home laughing and carrying on because you had such a good time. You go on that vacation with your family and have fun with his family. Be the life of the party, be the one everyone wants to be around. Ask him to dinner on his birthday, again expect him to turn you down but don't let that ruin your mood or plan. Make a cake with the kids and let them decorate it and have cake together as a family. Don't do anything big and showy, but if you can think of a gift that comes from the heart give it to him. For example, during this time I gave my FWH a framed sonogram picture of our baby (did I tell you I was pregnant during my FHW's A?!) with a very simple card. He couldn't get mad at me for trying to buy his affection and he couldn't throw away the only picture of his unborn child. Plus everytime he looked at it he had to think of me and what he was giving up!

Make sure you look your best and smell good too! Go shopping and get a few new outfits that make you feel really good. Clean up the house. If you have a lot of clutter get rid of things. Start to work out, it helps the appearance but also is a great stress releaver. Any hobbies you are interested in but have never done? Now is the time. Michael's craft stores have neat classes. What about a book club through the local library? Lunch with friends. Projects around the house.

Keep busy and productive. Use this time to work on yourself. What about you have you always wanted to change? One thing that really helped me was I started going to church. I reached out to friends and family and rebuilt friendships that I had let go.

When he sees these changes in you (and let him see them don't tell him you are doing this) he won't be able to blame you for his actions, i.e. my wife treats me so bad I just had to have an A. He will only be able to look at himself. I assume underneath this all he is a good person, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. He is just lost and you need to help him find his way home.

Don't be a doormat, setting boundaries is not an LB. Refusing to stay home and miss the family vacation is NOT an LB. If you see him talking to her in front of you, you state that what he is doing is hurting you. But you state it in a calm, loving manner. NO crying!

You can do this and we are here for you. Just remember no LB's! When you need to vent come here. If you feel the anger coming (and it will) go take a walk. Don't let him bate you into a fight.

thank you kloe for your great insight. however, he is outof the house. he left 2/3 a few weeks after he told me about OW and A. Last year 2/04 he told me he wasn't happy and had been unhappy for five years. I made changes, started exercsiing, lost 80(!) pounds, got a job to help bring in $$ so he could spend more time at his startup. He NEVER acknowledged any changes and when I would mention them he would say do it for your self not me - i ma not in love with you anymore. he continues to tell me that he wants out from under our relationship. The family vacation is a gift from his father and his whole family is going and no one wants me there. Basically they are supporting him "we just want him to be happy and support the kids". he told me he doesn't want me there( I know for a fact OW will not be there in my place). So , I am kind of at a loss of how t Plan A from a distance with him out of the house. Do I just be pleasant look great and go along with the divorce and pray he gets it? I don't mean to be thick but i am confused. thank you for caring about me it means so much.

Originally posted by jade05:

He says it is not about the OW he tells me swears up and down that it is not about her and that he hasn't even spoken or emailed with her.

My wife said the same thing over and over, now we are back sleeping in the same bed.

Of course he thinks this, he honestly believes it at this point. He is on a HIGH.

All talk either Negagive or Positive is ALL FOG talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Jade - Plan A can be done once the WS moves out. In my case my FWH moved out for 6 months and I did Plan A during this time. In my case it was much easier, after D-Day when he was still here he was so cold and uncaring, the constant hurt and rejection was unbearable. Once he moved out it wasn't in my face all the time.

I'm in the middle of making dinner, laundry, cleaning the house and feeding the baby so I'll have to write more tomorrow and I can let you know how I did my Plan A after FWH moved out.

Hang in there, we are here for you and help you get through this!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kloe72:
<strong> Jade - Plan A can be done once the WS moves out. In my case my FWH moved out for 6 months and I did Plan A during this time. In my case it was much easier, after D-Day when he was still here he was so cold and uncaring, the constant hurt and rejection was unbearable. Once he moved out it wasn't in my face all the time.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I kind of believe that Plan A would be easier during a separation, mainly for the reasons you present. I, personally, am beginning to think Plan A is harder than Plan B, when the WS is cold, distant and disrespectful. It is not easy to live day to day with someone you know considers you the reason for all of their pains and hinders them from their "true happiness".

Jade, since you must remain in contact with WS due to the children, you have the opportunity to focus more on your life and not have the constant drama that daily life with a WS brings. This is not to state that distance is easy, simply that the constant turmoil and watching your loved one step all over you, in your presence, is very bittering (is that a word??). Focus on your kids, do more with them, do anything for yourself that piques your interest, just distract your mind.

Here is what I did after my H moved out. First and most important is you have to detach from your H. This means that you have to get used to not having him in your life right now, resist contacting him for anything. My FWH told me he needed space so that's what I gave him. I stepped back and stopped contacting him, in the beginning I waited for him to contact me. I didn't initiate any calls or e-mails. The one thing he asked from me was space, so that is what he got. He rarely went more then a day without contacting me. It's hard but this is a very important step.

The weekend after he moved out I flew down to FL to visit relatives. It helped to get out of the house and be around people. I did not call him at all while I was there; however, he called me to tell me his mother was in the hospital. Do you relatives out of town you could go see for a weekend?

I used this time to really work on me. I took a good hard look at myself and I didn't like the person that I had become. I had become bitter and lazy. So I immediately took steps to correct this. I worked on getting the house in order, it was always clean when my H came over.

Most importantly you need to move on with your life. Don't just sit around waiting for him and let everything come to a stop. Get projects done, take classes, have fun with the children. He needs to see that you are prepared to have a life without him. I know that is what he says he wants, but trust me he is not 100% sure of this. What type of man really wants to give up his life and his family? He is hurting and thinks this is the way to alleviate that hurt. It's not. I NEVER asked my FWH for anything after he moved out. I let him know what I was doing with the baby and other things but did not ask for his help. Boy did he feel left out. I received an e-mail that stated, "Just because I'm not there, doesn't mean I can't help." This was in response to me telling him I was buying a crib and hopefully I could figure out how to put it together. He volunteered to come over and do this.

After the first few weeks of me giving him his space I started to reach out to him a little more. If he didn't contact me (which was rare), I would send him an e-mail (I love e-mail, you don't have the fear of rejection) about a news story I saw or something going on at the house. It was that little contact that ensured he was thinking about me.

When he would come over I was pleasant and tried to have nice conversations with him. I never asked him what he was doing or with whom. Although, I found it funny that he always wanted to know what I was doing! In my case, there was no way he would believe or even think I was going out to met other people since I was getting bigger by the day (I was pregnant)! But it wouldn't hurt for your H to know that you are going out with friends, meeting new people, and having fun. Makes him wonder, creates mystery. Be dressed nice when he comes over, if he asks tell him you just got back from being out. Don't tell him where you were or what you were doing. Make him ask!

In the beginning you are going to fake all of this, and that's alright. I used to put on my big act when he was over and break down crying the minute he left the house. It happens, but it does get easier with time. The key is to keep busy, and with 3 children that shouldn't be a problem.

You'll get the hang of this and it will become easier. Use your support system, family and friends will be what gets you through this. Don't be afraid to call on them. And most important come here, and we'll help you through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jade05:
<strong> Plan???? I feel like i can barely function. No, I have not talked to OW's husband. Both of our families know and three sets of friends. I am somewhat afraid that if I talkk to OW's H that my husband will retaliate finacial and custody wise. I am scared to move. in any direction. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jade, you have recieved lots of great advice here. You really need to expose this affair NOW in order to hasten its death. Exposure is probably the most effective tool you have in your arsenal. You should be scared of what will happen if you DON'T expose it. Because if you don't expose it, the affair is likely to continue.

Exposure won't kill your marriage, but an AFFAIR WILL.

Jade, Plan A means doing everything in your power to KILL this affair; that is essential to saving your marriage. And that is what exposure often does. Many affairs end the DAY they are exposed.