Ark and a few others may recall my story. This is for them….

The last thing any of you heard from me was that after 6 months of $%^&*, my wife provided the admission to her own affair.

Coming here as an admitted WS, I was in a struggle for my integrity and I came to this site because I knew I would be challenged and forced to see things in a light that may not be to my liking but would surely help me to know… things… that maybe I’d not have been exposed to if I simply blocked out the world and blithely carried on.

I was very certain in my conviction as to the veracity of my love for the OW and hers for me. And furthermore was struggling with the seeming Marriage Builder’s mold, if you will, that represents all affairs. I balked against the short-sightedness of a group that willingly and fervently brushes the intricacies of an individual’s life experiences in a relationship that is carried on over time between two human beings with broad and all encompassing strokes. One of the things that hurt the most was the claim that I was employing revisionist history to legitimize the nature of my decisions and to reduce the guilt. Even as I type this the memory of the anxiety I suffered begins to make my heart physically ache from the memory of long uncomfortable bouts of the emotional sickness.

Some called me troll. Others called me worse… *grinning* others took my challenge at face value *thank you Ark and Shelle* and others simply didn’t like TMD. Whatever… It wasn’t a popularity contest….

So I was in the height of this dilemma… my wife was calling me the worst of things… blaming me for the ruination of her life and the life of our son… the guilt was unbearable…

In retrospect… though the reasoning employed here was passionate, my presence here was, in reality, my way of punishing myself for my failure as a husband and father… I was convinced, in the end, I was all the bad things that some here suggested I was and that my wife spewed with vitriol. I think that it was September of 2003 when under the strain of physical and mental exhaustion I met the OW and told her to go back to her Husband and to never call me again… it was with compassion but with certainty… and yes I know that this kind of delivery is against the rules and I knew why. But the reality was that I did love the OW and this was not a thing I wanted.

After tremendous physical and mental ailment and my final decision to return and ‘do the right thing’, I’m am told by my wife that she too had an affair that lasted for over a year and that it happened several years before.

I didn’t believe her at first… but the myriad incongruities that I had reported on this forum that had been dismissed by some as revisionist thinking began to suddenly make sense. I actually laughed. Then I laughed more but with an odd kind of rage.

My wife’s intention in sharing this with me was to help me get over the guilt… as if somehow knowing my wife had slept with another man for over a year would somehow help me heal… help my own guilt to be erased.

I didn’t care that she’d had an affair…. I actually was able, once I was over the shock of the admission, to tell her who she’d had the affair with. You see…. the last years of my marriage and the things I had come to accept as my own revisionist history and had resigned myself to recover the true history of turned out to be dead on…. All of it.

My rage was not about her affair… our marriage was over at that moment… up to that point I was willing to take my lumps and beg for the chance at rebuilding. But the sheer rage I felt at having been raked over the fires of hell by this woman who knew all along why our marriage had been falling apart was beyond my ability to comprehend. I know there are reasons why a spouse becomes wayward… I know it first hand. But she had the capacity to keep this hidden from me when I had been open about all… and to demonize me because she knew the effect it would have on me. Not to mention that the Zoloft almost killed me... dangerous stuff... And then, in her infinite grace… shared her own indiscretion. Talk about cruelty.

Some of you reading this simply will not know the story in whole… I’m not here to rehash… I’m not here to defend myself. My story has already been told…. Ad nauseum.

I still have plenty to deal with in my life. Primarily I must find a way to help my son thorough all of this. No small task.

I am in the divorce process today… I’d not recommend it to anyone. The destruction of lives and the pain is unbelievable.

As far as the OW? Divorced. The OW’s X is in a new relationship he’s excited about. And their kids are proving to be resilient.. they have had problems with grades as has my own son… (all of which has been corrected) and her oldest has had some pretty severe behavioral issues… but it’s leveling out.

The OW had her own things in life to sort out and there was a time we were not in contact so that she could focus on God and his will in all of this and not have the day to day pull that contact with me introduced. I honored that request.

We are still together. And yes… Pep… there is baggage… and we know it… and we talk about the prospect of sitting at the kitchen table one day, as Pep described it, and reminiscing about that time during our affair or that ‘wonderful’ experience during our affair. Uggh! We have an uphill fight. We’ve chosen to embrace that fight

Though wonderful in many ways…. Life is imperfect… but I choose to focus on those things that I can control. Oddly enough… that ain’t much… but I’d been separated for almost 2 years… time to step up eh?

TMD:

Sorry it went the way it did.

I wish you well. I know of another person who tried 2 make a go of a M that started as an A, and their S cheated on them years after the M.

Life is imperfect. I would think that dealing with the anger and finding the ability 2 forgive should remain high on your list of priorities, though.

-ol' 2long

2ble post

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

TMD..
always wondered what happened to ya....

TMD....when people really really address the real hard issues....

work harder and go deeper than the "good feelings" of all this chaos....then no one can stand in judgement of final decisions and conclusions....

the collective here are not stupid people we get that the emotions from an affair feel good....we also get that those same feel good emotions can and do exist within marriage and I'd lay my money down each and every time that it's harder to convince a WS of that than it is to convince a BS that emotions in an affair feel good...

a lot of WS run and hide never facing their actions.... ...and it's evident the destruction left in the wake....
but it sounds as if neither of you did are doing that....you and the not so OW...and I am glad and feel that's the best any of us can do....no matter the title.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hope you can let go of the anger of your wife's with-holding her knowledge while you writhed like a worm on a hook.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (there's a song somewhere in that sentiment... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

and learn the lessons one can learn from being so vulnerable... and that they are good lessons...for you...not her (ex'wife)...

mostly I hope the children are well cared and tended after....
raise them to be honorable...as we should all try to do...

I wish you peace....TMD..
I am glad you resurfaced....

ARK

TMD,

I remember your story. (I used to post here as 'terminator'.) What a story...what compelled you to come back and tell how it all turned out?

(Sometimes I wonder why I stay around here, but I don't think it's to self-flagellate.)

Good luck with your baggage. Everyone has it; you might have a little more than most.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Everlong:

I was moved to come back... because people here cared enough. But it's done. No more bumps.

Bye folks... and thanks to:

ShelleBelle
Ark
2Long
Pep
Orchid (p.s. for good or ill -- I DID finish the CD)

I will remember all of you.

~Stu

I think I remember you...a song writer, poet, musician? Were you staying in the basement and then moved out?

I also wondered what became of you and your marriage. I do remember you telling that your wife had also had a A. What a shocker given her mean, indignant attitude toward you when she found out yours.

Why leave here?...you may be of some help to others for at least a while. I imagine you've learned a lot through it all.

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

....but will they ever really trust each other...

Here is my confession....

As I read how this affair unfolded

the only person I had total respect for

and admired

was

the

other husband

Even without his own voice telling his part of the story

his virtue and strength were very clear.

That man is a good man.

Pep

Pep:

I had forgotten about that, and I don't feel good letting this go without saying something.

TMD:

I'm not picking on you when I say that I don't believe ANYBODY is "entitled" 2 anything. All good things must be earned. What you have done, in effect, is retaliate against your xW for her past behavior by destroying another man's marriage.

Like the old Neil Young song about junkies... ...but we know that affairees aren't like junkies... ...don't we? Or do we?

Neil Young, "Needle and the Damage Done"

"I caught you knockin'
at my cellar door
I love you, baby,
can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.

I hit the city and
I lost my band
I watched the needle
take another man
Gone, gone, the damage done.

I sing the song
because I love the man
I know that some
of you don't understand
Milk-blood
to keep from running out.

I've seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun."

-ol' 2long