I am looking for help...advice...share time. My H has had a problem with secretly looking at porn on the internet, catalogs, etc for the 13 years we've been married. Tried to tolerate, always begged him not to, got firm when kids entered the picture (have 3) one is severely disabled from birth.

Sunday while I had the kids at church, came home to do work on computer and found he had been searching not only porn, but also personal ads...lots of them. He claimed he was just looking, it was stupid, he doesnt know why...but I freaked out. The sicko porn is bad enough, but the personals, AND chat rooms too...yes..that involves real people.

M for 13 years, and I have been catching his secret...he gets mad and ignores me, says he wont ever do it again, and eventually gets back at looking at it...starts with Victorias secret catalog...works into the nasty mags, and then sex toy catalogs. Says he is "looking so he can buy me something"..he did once...but we did that, you know, together...it was fun and erotic...but most of this fantasy doesnt involve me.

What do I do. Especially when I am here, busting my butt caring for kids, cleaning, running two part time home business...had to give up my HR Director career when my disabled son became more difficult medically. I just dont deserve this pain. I want to be loved and adored the way a woman should be, not experimented with based on an idea from some f...ing advice website!!!! help...

Hi Julie - Check out the Every Man's Battle web site...

Every Man's Battle

They have a great program to help men and their wives with sexual sin...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hi there, I am so glad you posted this. I have had similar questions and problems that you have. My fiance, that I live with and am about to have a baby by, has had an addiction to pornography. We are both in our mid and late twenties. I thought maybe him being in his sexual prime had a lot to do with the obsession. He has been hiding this from me and also lied when I found out and confronted him about it. He apologized, got very upset and said he wanted to change this problem. He said he is committed to me and wants to change. We bought books on relationships to help us communicate better and we've just started the process. I am having a difficult time dealing with this b/c he lied to me. I really need advice also on how to deal. I don't want this obsession to lead him to possibly an affair. I don't know if all men go through this addiction. PLease Help!!!

Hi there, I am so glad you posted this. I have had similar questions and problems that you have. My fiance, that I live with and am about to have a baby by, has had an addiction to pornography. We are both in our mid and late twenties. I thought maybe him being in his sexual prime had a lot to do with the obsession. He has been hiding this from me and also lied when I found out and confronted him about it. He apologized, got very upset and said he wanted to change this problem. He said he is committed to me and wants to change. We bought books on relationships to help us communicate better and we've just started the process. I am having a difficult time dealing with this b/c he lied to me. I really need advice also on how to deal. I don't want this obsession to lead him to possibly an affair. I don't know if all men go through this addiction. PLease Help!!!

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: shandy337 ]</small>

Ok... I'm going out on a limb here ladies...

I'm not sure if I can help, but I'm willing to try.

Qualifications:

I'm a man.
I've viewed pornography.
I'd say at one point (many years back, for a few months) I would have labelled it an addiction.

So...

How can I help?

dewt

jw, You are probably going about this all wrong. Making demands that someone overcome an addiction is fairly useless. You have to replace his addiction with something else. IMHO, this is potentially very serious. (I'm on your side!!) In your situation, I would start wanting/initiating more sex from your H. Rev up the bedroom situation, increase the amount of sex and the quality of sex. Get him hooked on the pleasure you give him. If you don't do it now, you'll find yourself doing it when he gets another women - this is the reaction of many betrayed wives - the become far more sexual to win back their husbands love. I had the best husband in the world, for 30 yrs, but when we were forced to live apart for a while he did web porn and dvd porn all the time, and eventually when a situation came along that resembled a porn real life experience, he chose to cheat with an asian girl, half his age because he thought it would be like a porn movie. He is highly intelligent and has a high status job and was a great father but he acted like a stupid, uneducated fool to this asian girl who came on to him for money (she asked for a lot of money). Porn can warp a mans concept of reality.

Infidelity is world shattering to the betrayed spouse. I'm very sorry about your high needs child, but at the moment you have a high needs husband. He is probably feeling neglected by you. (men are pathetic I know) They really are like children and need constant pampering, attention and flattery (and there is always another woman willing to give this them). If you want to keep your family togehter you should take the emphasis off your children (they won't die of neglect - honestly, they need a strong family and you can give them that if you go about it the right way), and put your H in the centre of your world. Give him the importance he's craving and learn to enjoy copious amounts of sex with him. No you aren't too tired - if I could take up daily sex at age 50, and orgasm every day for two yrs, then anyone can do it. You end up with your H eating out of your hand, and diamonds the size of.... well big.

You will have to stop feeling hard done by re how hard you work at home etc. Been there done that. My mother was dying of breast cancer when my husband cheated with his bimbo. I was under a lot of pressure and carrying my family with my strength and energy. When infidelity hits - you are forced to drop everything and go back to basics. It takes over your world and life. You don't have time for that do you? Nip it in the bud now by being pro active sexually and if you can't get the interest to have sex every day - take testosterone to jump start your interest. Sex is very good for a woman btw. I have the butt of a 25 yo now. So don't feel it's all for him. It's good for your heart, and for your looks and you end up glowing from the hormones and the increased intimacy. Men will notice you more, believe me! So don't feel totally like it's all work. If you go about it right, it's pleasurable work and it benefits you physically, emotionally and your relationship will blossom. And your H will give up porn. Mine is totally over it now - he knows it's a (potentially) harmful addiction.

an

I confronted my husband with going to a marriage counselor today...and he assured me...that he knew he was wrong. Wouldnt do it again. Doesnt want to lose me, our family, our life over this. I am more pissed off about the lying and the personal ads than the actual porn, because he already knows it makes me angry. I tried this...did alittle research, with help from this forum, and some Christian guidance wrote down why I dont approve. OK...this may sound MEAN...but I also secretly purchased software that will monitor all emails, chat rooms, and web sites visited..he doesnt know about it. I feel sneaky, but hopefully will be reassured...

I know my husband loves sex, and so do I...like the idea about give him more. However, its hard for me when I am so pissed. I am a fan of intimacy and he has gotten really...um...full of wanting to talk dirty, and be perverted to me. I like to play, no prude here..but I get sick still thinking that his mind is on some porn page he probably j'd off to.

I actually have tried the give him more sex thing in the past...but he always falls back on the porn.

This time he says he'll try. He knows I mean business now, it nips in the bud...or we separate (we have had anger, violence, and verbal abuse also, so this porn is not all there is) He needs to heal his soul and realize that his family is critical.

Would men want their sons and daughters to look at Porn? I know my H's father still has porn mags in house, and the grand C got ahold of one..I had to tell him to put it away. Apple doesnt fall far from the tree, so it goes. But my little guy isnt going to have a pile of porn in his bathroom until he is old enough to make his own life decisions. My disabled son doesnt speak or have the ability to walk...so I reference the youngest who is 4. My girl, 9 is a beauty... would a father want his daughter spread eagle on a web page with her privates out there for millions of perverts to look at??? I certainly hope not.

Anyways, my advice to the young married couple...dont let it fester. I let him get away with it too long. There is no affair, least I am aware of, but I think he is in deeper than he would have been if he stopped when we were younger.

What is the man's perspective on this??? Can he just "stop", he is waiting for me upstairs right now I think...to talk some more....which is EXTREMELY rare, (he's a Scorpio, quiet and dangerous)...

If I turn up the heat, do you think it will help...

This is Julie the morning after the confrontation. He told me he didnt want to have an affair, was not looking for one...he doesn't know why he looks at porn, and says he just looked at the personals with no intent other than stupid curiosity. I gave the final that we would go to the next step...if...and then we made mad passionate love to eachother. I have a feeling we have not seen the end of porn...but I am stronger than I have ever been. Weird, but I think that he gets turned on when I pull my power trip on him.

Pornography is dangerous...and there is no place for it inside marriage. Do fun things together...keep it spicy, for eachother and out the love you have for eachother...but the porn is poison. It poisoned my husband...and crushed my self esteem.

What a bad trip.

My mother in law, who I am pretty close to, took me out to lunch today. I confided in her about my H's problem with the porn, and how I am battling this issue. She looked at me strangely, and said...well, dear...all men do that...it's just proper not to let the children see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have discovered that my father-in-law is a big porn fanatic, and she told me she has HATED it for ever, but assumed it was simply what men do.

I asked her if HE would approve of her stacking up pictures of naked men, and watching perverted sex videos, and chatting with men on line....she got all blushing..."Heaven's no" she said.

I dont play by those old school rules I can tell you that. I refuse to be submissive to this, and I feel he will respect me in the long run for fighting FOR what I believe in. A respectful loving relationship in marriage. Can you believe that...she thinks I am nuts. Of course, it is her son. Oh brother.

Hi...my name is Hemidart...and I like porn.

Anyway...I might be going out on a limb here but, don't women and men get turned on by different things? My FWW reads magazines like US, Star, In Style etc. She has told me she gets a certain excitement when she sees and actor she like in a magazine. We have seen certain movies because that had certain male actors such as Brad Pitt etc that she finds very attractive. Now I get a certain excitment looking at Playboy, Hustler etc. She gets her chick flicks and movie star rags....I get the ocasional porn. I figure if she ever asked me to stop reading or watching porn, then I would have the right to ask her not to read her mags or watch certain movies with actors she finds attractive.

My dad told me as a kid to stay out of the garage when he wasn't home...Made me want to do it more.

btw...FWW and I watch porn all the time...It's fun!

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Hemidart ]</small>