This is going to sound bad, I know, but I need to talk to someone. My husband has poor health conditions, and has said to me in seriousness that if I want to have my physical needs met by someone else, he would understand. I have a male friend, and I went out yesterday to spend some time out of the house(I haven't been out with friends for almost 8 months now), and he confided in me that he has had sexual encounters with married women before(we were joking around about his love life, cause he is single). He admits to being immature, and a commitment phobe, and it really freaked me out, cause I feel sometimes that he would be my chance of having my physical needs being met. I kissed him, and I felt nothing but sadness, that I can't have my physical needs met, that this man can't fill that void, and I just wanted to cry. Part of me wants to have sex with this man, because I am so curious, and it would be comfortable. Then I hate myself for my thoughts, for trying to justify it, and for my loss of the physical aspect of my marriage. My husband will not get better in this situation, and substituting with toys, etc. just isn't working. what do you do when your physical needs cannot be met? This friend of mine, I am very disappointed in what he told me yesterday, here I am sharing my life with him, and he is out boinking my married ex coworkers(I think part of me is jealous honestly - immaturity I know). I just feel awful, and sad. I know the solution is to talk with my friend(honestly I would feel like another woman on his list, that grosses me out actually anyways, had enough of that type of crap in college!!), and just live in the situation I am in. I just want to cry, this has been so difficult for me. I love my husband so much, and feel so sorry for him, for me, we have gotten so much closer from his sickness, but now that we have gotten so much closer in that way, it sucks we can't have physical passion too. When I kissed my friend, it was empty, and frankly not good at all LOL. Just stupid. The last thing in the world I would do is tell my husband about this. I don't believe him when he tells me that it's okay to be with another man, my friend told me he thought that was really big of him to say such a thing, I dunno I am confused. Someone help me sort this out please, I don't have rationale thoughts about any of this, and can't tell anyone I know, they are all friends from my husband, and it's too risky to talk to anyone, I don't want them thinking I am evil for having these thoughts with my husbands situation...

hey vb. Welcome. Going off to sleep now, but just know you're not alone out there. Yes, it must be very difficult. But an affair only multiplies it by a million--and I'm being conservative. Tak esome time to read some of the info here. Some of the threads and posters. You'll get a better understanding of what an affair does (not "can do") but ALWAYS does to a marriage--nothing good comes from it.

In the menatime, keep yourself busy by reading--you'll get more responses in the AM, K?

Thanks for your reply - wanted to bump this up:)

Heeellllooooo???? Geesh, I guess I should go have my affair - just kidding!!! After sleeping on things, I am just relieved to have vented. But boy temptation stinks, being sexually frustrated stinks, and my situation just isn't fair. Damnit.

Heeellllooooo???? Geesh, I guess I should go have my affair - just kidding!!! After sleeping on things, I am just relieved to have vented. But boy temptation stinks, being sexually frustrated stinks, and my situation just isn't fair. Damnit.

Vegas,

One quick question before I comment on your post...are you a Christian?

In His arms.

Hi, um, no I am not in any practiced religion.

vegasbabe -

There have been a few posters here in the past who went ahead and had A's because their S wanted them to, or said it was o.k. All of them ended up in disaster with everyone regretting it.

I don't know if your wedding vows were traditional or not. Did they include loving each other "in sickness and in health?" It might not be fair that your H got sick, but it's not fair to him, either!

Your H might mean well by saying you can have an A, but it really is a terrible idea. It's dangerous emotionally and spiritually for all involved - your H, you, and any A partner. Not to mention the thread of STD's for you.

I'm sorry for your situation, but hopefully you can find other ways to be close to your H, and to deal with your sex drive. Could you talk about sex with your H's doctors? It might be embarrassing, but they might be able to offer ideas, or books to read, or support groups, or something.

God bless,

Rose

I wouldn't call myself a Christian, but I am not an agnostic or anything like that. I believe Jesus existed, just don't have any strong opinions or belief system.

I wouldn't call myself a Christian, but I am not an agnostic or anything like that. I believe Jesus existed, just don't have any strong opinions or belief system. My hubby has had several online flirtations prior to him getting ill. He actually thinks he isn't a cheater(I told him what my friend told me about his affairs), he said that the other day, and I just stood there. I don't want to argue about it anymore with him, since he said that is in his past(it got really bad for awhile), since he has gotten sick he has had a turnaround so to speak about me and us, but the physical is the problem. what a mess....

vb,

I do not know your situation completely but I can tell mine. My wife and I were married, living together for 14 years but apart and no SF. I thought my marriage was dead and wanted a D. I had an A. It solved nothing. The A almost drove to drink after 20 years of sobriety. My wife and I came very close to suicide. Mary, my wife found MB, wrote a letter to me, and God intervened. We were a healthly, sexual actived couple who gave up on our marriage but stayed together and learned to hate each other. As I said, God and MB intervened. I accepted the offer of her letter to recommit to our marriage. She lost over 100 lbs (one of my EN is an attractive spouse, NC for over 15 months, MB and HNHN and God. But there were many problems that God and MB helped us through.

Yes, your H is sick. But my A made me feel worse and as I have said I thought my M was gone. Search MB I am sure that you can find help.

Okay...just checking.

But whether or not you are a Christian, you do know you made a vow. I am glad to hear that you backed away from this, before something happened. As a matter of fact, having male friends may be a bad thing as the temptation may get too great. I went almost three years with next to nothing (and this for a guy that LOVES...I said LOVES sex!!). I too have had those feelings of needing that part of my life. But, the person I would have been when I woke up later I would have to live with.

Temptation is not bad, and is not a sin. What you do with that temptation may be, though. Even with his illness, I am sure your husband has internal feelings of wishing he too could be intimate...but he doesnt have the luxury that you do of actually going to do it. So, in a way, you both are afflicted with this disease/illness.

I just read an interesting article. It was about husbands of women with breast cancer (okay, I was at the doctor's office and had to have something to read!!). But this one woman said, when referencing the cancer..."when I first found out, we sat down and cried and talked about how we would handle our cancer." Did you get the key word in there? It was that the cancer was "ours."

Your husband is ill, and that aint fair!! It isnt fair to you, and darn well aint fair to him! and I am sorry to hear of this and have prayed for you both. But the short of it is that your husband and you are one flesh, one person. Thus, what you are suffering thru is something that can bring the two of you even closer together, as you eluded to.

I was watching the TV a few years ago and saw the wife of Christopher Reeve talk about their relationship. Then Christopher Reeve said, in response to a question about sex, that his wife had found ways to make it enjoyable for both of them. Now, he had no feeling in hislimbs from the neck down. So how do you suppose they did that? He later went on to see that his wife went out of her way to make sure that he still felt like a man, and a husband to her.

I feel for you on the lack of sex. I really do. But somewhere between you two is the answer to your question. It is certainly not someone else.

Of course, if you are interested, I can show you where the power to overcome all of this is. But I wouldnt want to force my beliefs on you, unless asked. Just suffice it to say that what you need is in another Man.

In His arms.

My hubby and I are in the same situation as Chris Reeves(paralysis) except hubby is unable to take the meds to help our sex life, in a special bed, etc. etc. We used to have a decent sex life prior to him getting ill despite the paralysis, just now he has gotten complications from everything(same situation as Chris Reeves, but it didn't kill him Thank God).
I am just feeling sorry for myself, part of me handles all this better if I don't go out and see friends, it just a slap in the face of what we are dealing with, and the fun others can have. I feel like I am missing out on life(I am only 36). I regret now even going out, it just doesn't seem worth it without him. I just feel so guilty about my feelings, my anger. I have prayed and asked for strength, this is such a long road. People used to think I was so amazing for choosing to be with my husband cause of his problems, and I didn't understand then, thinking it's no big deal, I love him. But it is a big deal now, and I am just sad. He is sad too, and I hate it when he looks in my eyes and tells me he understands that I am not satisfied(he's unhappy too, probably why he has had online affairs in the past, I think, I dunno, for him feeling less than a man). Ugh. Mortarman, I appreciate any advice you wish to give:)

I do not have time to write now, as I am off to fight Washington DC traffic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

But I will come on tonight. I too am in awe of your ability to stay the course with your husband and to help him thru this. it is tough, and as I said...not fair.

Do not beat yourself up over feelings or temptations. They are normal, and you should not feel bad about having them. As I said before, tempatations and feelings arent bad...it is what you do with them that can make them bad.

Anyway, I will post more later on how you and your husband can find strength in this...and how you can meet each other's needs, even in this trying experience.

In His arms.

VB - WELCOME to MB

I think Liny gave you some excellent advice and insight with this one statement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Take some time to read some of the info here. Some of the threads and posters. You'll get a better understanding of what an affair does (not "can do") but ALWAYS does to a marriage--nothing good comes from it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For better for worse, your story really seems to sing that part of the vows, doesn't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm sorry you are in such a place in your life. I really feel pain for your situation.

I am a Recovered Wayward Wife, please hear my warning. Today is my 1 year dday anniversary, my A is a painful memory for me, I can no longer remember anything good from it.

This is like selling your soul to the devil, I've been there, not exactly where you are, but I know loneliness, it is not an excuse, I know unmet needs, I know pain and suffering.

SF will only making you feel good for a brief period, then it will do nothing but hurt you, and your loved ones.

Do you really think you can keep SF and EN separate????

I believe your H's words to you are a test, he is insecure in a bad way, he wants nothing more than to hear from you, For better or worse, I'm committed.

You are in the place I wish I had been a couple of years ago, the point of choice, it never occurred to me to think it through like you are.

Chose your H, chose your M, you will be losing so much of yourself if you chose and A. The pain, the guilt will suffocate you.

Like Liny said, nothing good can come from it.

(((((vegasbabe)))))

KY