Lately I've noticed there are many new FWS's on this forum who are currently going through withdrawal and who are in early recovery. I thought it would be helpful to start this thread. So anyone who have extra thoughts or ideas on this, please share it here on this thread. Except for my own ideas, I've also done a search on other posts and compiled the following guidelines:

1. Keep yourself busy, although you may not feel like doing anything. Getting busy will keep your mind from wandering to thoughts of OP. Spend as little time alone as possible. Go to the movies, a concert or a play, whatever you enjoy...as long as you gets busy! Post here, pray, call old friends you may have been neglecting or call current friends you spending too little time with.

2. Get involved with ministry/community service/charity or anything similar. Helping others will take your mind off yourself.

3. Go to your Medical Practitioner and/or Counselor and get antidepressants if necessary. Don’t hesitate to seek professional and medical help if you feel it's necessary.

4. Show love to your S, even when it feels a bit unnatural, fake or forced at first. The acts of love became more real and heartfelt the more they are repeated. When you actively show love and receive feedback from your S, it will become pleasurable to repeat those things. The more you do them, the more real they will become. And spend time with your mate. Do something different. Get out of the rut. Develop new interest. Have fun together. Work at becoming friends again.

5. Make a conscious effort to avoid things that will remind you positively of the OP. Whether it's romantic songs or movies that you enjoyed, hobbies or pastimes you had in common, or just dwelling mentally on conversations or times you enjoyed together...you must do your best to avoid dwelling on them. Thoughts of the OP will pop up and the temptation is to daydream about them at length but the good news is, as you AVOID CONTACT with the OP and having NO CONTACT, these things will fade. The OP itself will become more of a blurry memory. When these memories come up, do whatever you have to do to stop thinking about them. If the OP pops up in your mind, turn your thoughts to happy memories of times with your spouse. Pick up a book, watch a TV show, read the Bible, call a friend, just try hard not to dwell on them. Again, with this, you will find it easier to do as time passes and there is no contact.

6. Constantly remind yourself of the great things about your spouse, and the not-so-great things about the OP. Be honest with yourself. There are areas that you KNOW your spouse is superior to the OP. If you can't think of any, grab on to ANY positive thing you can think about in regards to your spouse. Think of the things that attracted you to your spouse initially, or that you've always liked or admired or respected about him/her and focus on that. Think on these things. Remind yourself of things about the OP that were definitely negative. Magnify them if you have to. Remind yourself that your spouse have it over the OP big time in a couple of major ways e.g:

i) Your spouse didn't indulge in an A with a married man/women.

ii) They love you enough to want to stay with you and stand by you, in spite of the pain you caused him/her.

The above two things alone show you the kind of love and integrity from your BS.

7. Remind yourself constantly that love is something you DO,not something you feel. Love is meeting someone's needs. Love is action. Feelings come and go...especially fantasy-based and fog-based feelings.

8. Know that there is HOPE! There is definitely hope for your marriage and your feelings for the OP can fade. Keep trying, and don't beat yourself up when you have mental and emotional setbacks, because you will. Just look at the big picture and keep going.

Edited to add:
Also please read all the additional links I've put further on on this thread. You'll find it very helpful and insightful.

Suzet

Thanks so much Suzet for your post. I love reading all your posts b/c you lay things out so black/white for me.

For some reason, I just can't seem to find the strength like you to maintain NC, even though I'm starting to think that perhaps there could be hope for me and my H. That's something I've not felt in a long, long time (yrs). Someone posted earlier that one must BELIEVE that you can work things out in order to BE ABLE to and WANT to work things out. I so agree with that statement, and I'm encouraged.

But, when I was in NC, I just couldn't stop thinking about the OM. I tried to keep myself busy ... going out w/ my girlfriends, run errands, focus on hobbies, etc. EVERYTHING seems to force me to think about HIM! Plus, I'm now in a big bind ... I play tennis. That's how the OM and I met and was our favorite pasttime together. Unfortunately, it's my favorite thing to do (even before I met him). I'm on an all-women's team that depends on me (looks like we're heading into championships). So, every time I play tennis (which is 3-5 times a week), I can't help but think about him.

Plus, a few months back, the mixed team that the OM and I were on won the local championship and is signed up to go to a national tournament. Everyone on the team (there are 4 of us) has already spent a lot of money (non-refundable) to go, and, if I backed out, I would be asking everyone to forfeit hundreds of dollars, and the tournament does not allow for substitution of players.

What do I do?????

Whisper

PS - I've had no physical contact w/ OM for over 3 weeks now.

Suzet - great post!!

We should keep this bumped up for all the new WS's out there coming here for help.

To bad we can't make our spouses read this thread.

It pretty much has the answers if recovery is the road being taken.

Whisper,

I’m glad my posts are helpful to you. Yes, I know and understand how difficult it is to make the conscious choice to have NC and to maintain NC, especially during early recovery and intense withdrawal…no one said it’s easy, but it’s something you need to do for your own emotional & spiritual well-being and for the well-being & recovery of your H and M… </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>For some reason, I just can't seem to find the strength like you to maintain NC, even though I'm starting to think that perhaps there could be hope for me and my H. That's something I've not felt in a long, long time (yrs). Someone posted earlier that one must BELIEVE that you can work things out in order to BE ABLE to and WANT to work things out. I so agree with that statement, and I'm encouraged.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whisper, it’s not all about strength…it’s mostly about the choice and the realization that NC is the only way to go...and the desire to regain your own integrity in spite of the weakness. I can tell you, I felt terribly weak and pathetic during withdrawal and early recovery…and it was more difficult since I work at the same company as XOM. I suffered from intense depression and anxiety for many months and many times I had the intense desire to contact OM… One time I even slipped and contacted XOM through e-mail to get ‘closure’… Whisper, as you can see, ALL FWS’s in withdrawal and early recovery feel weak and tempted to contact the OP, but this is why it’s important & necessary for you to develop a good support system which can help & encourage you to maintain NC. You can accomplish this by taking the following steps:

1. First you need to become honest and open with your H about everything. Your H must become your greatest friend and confidant. Your H is the key and most important person who can help you to stay committed and maintain NC with OM. Fear of hurting my H and fear of the consequences should I break NC, also helped me to stay committed and maintain NC with XOM.

2. If you have close female friends who are trustworthy, religious and set a high importance on M and the well-being of both you and your H, then confided in them. The same goes with family members. On days you feel ‘down’, weak and/or vulnerable to contact OM, you can contact them in stead and go to them for support, go out for a cup of coffee with one of them or whatever.

3. Seek professional help & support. Go to a trusting, outside person like a Christian counselor/therapist or pastor. Make sure the person you seek out is religious and values the importance of marriage in general and the importance of fidelity in a marriage. During my withdrawal and recovery I confided in a Christian counselor/therapist at my work. She also become a great friend & confidant of mine and was of tremendous help. She was the one who advised me to go on Anti-Dep’s. The medication was of big help during my personal recovery and to help me get through withdrawal. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>When I was in NC, I just couldn't stop thinking about the OM. I tried to keep myself busy ... going out w/ my girlfriends, run errands, focus on hobbies, etc. EVERYTHING seems to force me to think about HIM! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>Whisper, please read the following insightful post I once received from Ark^^ while I was in early recovery and withdrawal and while I struggled to get rid of those thoughts & feelings. I also posted it to another thread earlier this week, but I think you (and other WS’s/FWS’s who are reading here) can also benefit from it: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU SAID
The one major thing I’m still feel guilty about is my lingering thoughts and feelings for OM and the difficulty to put these feelings complete to rest. This is really a big struggle and religious problem to me. Although I’ve already forgave myself for the previous mistakes made and although I know that my H and God had also forgiven me, I’m still having a issue with the scripture in the Bible where Jesus talks about adultery in the heart. Therefore, in spite of the fact that I’m still continue NC and do all the right things to protect my H etc., I’m just wondering if I’m still commit sin/adultery in the heart because of my lingering thought and feelings about OM. Maybe I’m just too hard on myself sometimes.

Sometimes for very obvious reasons and sometimes just because it is the nature of the whole big mess. Thoughts, feelings, and occurances take on huge meaning, grave seriousness, and potentially worrisome issues...when in reality they are just normal occurances..but when processed through the infidelity filter...watch out...magnified to the 100th power.

Suzet the truth is that if your OM had not been an other man but someone you as a single person were dating and for whatever reason you two broke up and you were now dating your husband...you would still have thoughts and memories and think of him...that is totally normal..it carries no great meaning or profound revelations.

The act of our brains having a memory and thoughts coming in our head in not stoppable,

What we do and can control is our reaction to these thoughts...give these thoughts weight and meaning and they will continue...spend time really pondering them, reminicsing and they will become stronger and gain "meaning".

It is you that must break the cycle in your brain by doing different things..

1. as soon as a thought, image, pops in about him you push it away and change your thought,,,and we all KNOW we can do this...no one spends a lot of time with the thought of their upcoming dental appointment to get a cavity filled...or when your on vacation you don't spend a lot of time about packing and leaving day...no we have those thoughts and quickly move on to something more pleasant...you must learn to the same....

2. Time fades and heals the importance we place on events is also true...the farther we move from experiences the more distance we place on them instead of deeply pondering and examing them the more we learn to let go of those thoughts.

3. YOu need to quit associating a lot of guilt and negative emotions to these thoughts or you will be feeding the power they need to continue...

Look at to why you are clinging to the guilt of thoughts rather than saying...dang I can't control my brain from thinking the thought initially but I can control the amount of time and energy I spend exploring the thought AND how much importance i give it...

You may actually be gaining something from the guilt you feel...that it somehow PROVES your regret....but we "prove" our regret by totally recommiting to our spouses and acting thusly.

In pop-psyche these days people love to throw around repressing those feelings and ingnoring them and that leading to unhappiness...but in reality those thoughts are normal as is moving away from them...people don't graduate from high school and the morning after graduation never ever think of highschool anymore...it was big part of their lives for a while with emotional attachment...but as people move forward those memories carry less and less weight and bring less and less emotion as time moves on...and not spending minute after minute pondering highschool is not repressing thoughts and emotions..it is moving on...
suzet you need to "just let it be" (as john paul ringo and george would say)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm now in a big bind ... I play tennis. That's how the OM and I met and was our favorite pasttime together. Unfortunately, it's my favorite thing to do (even before I met him). I'm on an all-women's team that depends on me (looks like we're heading into championships). So, every time I play tennis (which is 3-5 times a week), I can't help but think about him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whisper, it seems you have to give up your favorite sport. Yes, it is unfortunate, but it’s something you need to do if you really want to recover… Develop a new interest and find a new sport you can enjoy. Also find hobbies and past-times both you and your H can enjoy together. This will help you reconnect with each other and fulfill your EN for recreational companionship with each other. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>A few months back, the mixed team that the OM and I were on won the local championship and is signed up to go to a national tournament. Everyone on the team (there are 4 of us) has already spent a lot of money (non-refundable) to go, and, if I backed out, I would be asking everyone to forfeit hundreds of dollars, and the tournament does not allow for substitution of players. What do I do????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Discuss this with you H and seek a solution on this together. Like I’ve said earlier, the first step is to become honest and open with your H about everything and seek his help and support. Also on this issue. Honesty & openness towards your H will go a long way in winning back the trust of your H and besides NC, honesty & openness towards your H is the only way to true recovery…AND to help you stay committed to NC.

Hope this could help, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 02:07 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Thanks, Suzet. Again, it's so very helpful. I'll discuss everything you've mentioned with my H this weekend and see where things go. I believe you're absolutely right - I can't do it without him. And, I've not told him everything. BTW - do you really tell the BS EVERYTHING?

Whisper

"Remind yourself constantly that love is something you DO,not something you feel. Love is meeting someone's needs. Love is action. Feelings come and go...especially fantasy-based and fog-based feelings."

I don't understand this at all. Love is most definitely something you feel. You can't decide to be in love with a person. You can fake it, I guess. You can decide NOT to be in love with someone, if they are not right for you. That is what I'm trying to do with OM.

W-B,

You are talking about the "in love" feeling that you get early in a relationship. The euphoria and single minded focus on that other person where you will do nearly anything to be with that person. That feeling goes away eventually, studies say on an average in 2 years. After that comes love as an action and comittment to that person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whisper28:
<strong>do you really tell the BS EVERYTHING?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whisper, you must tell your H everything in the sense that you must not keep anything of main importance a secret from him. IMO the WS/FWS must give the BS all the main and most important information and details about the A and then leave it up to the BS to ask questions about the finer detail. When your H ask you specific questions and details about your A, it’s important that you must answer his questions and provide the information as accurate and honest as possible. If he asks something, don’t lie, minimize or try to hide the truth from him. But it’s also important that you just give him the details he request - nothing less and nothing more. The reason I’m saying this is because BS’s differ in how much information they want to know about the A. Some BS’s want to know everything in the finest detail, and others don’t want to know these specific detail. It’s up to the BS to decide how much information they can handle and the WS/FWS must not try to force too much information on the BS if they’re not willing to hear it. Therefore, just give your H the main and most important details about you’re A and then give him the lead in the further, finer detail. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by win bin:
<strong> "Remind yourself constantly that love is something you DO, not something you feel. Love is meeting someone's needs. Love is action. Feelings come and go...especially fantasy-based and fog-based feelings."

I don't understand this at all. Love is most definitely something you feel. You can't decide to be in love with a person. You can fake it, I guess. You can decide NOT to be in love with someone, if they are not right for you. That is what I'm trying to do with OM.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Win bin, I understand your confusion about this. You see, there is a HUGE difference between real/true love (which is action) and feelings of love. Yes, feelings can be extremely powerful and many times loving feelings goes with loving actions but actions and feelings is not necessarily the same thing. Also, the powerful experience of “falling” in love is not equal to real/true love. Yes, it can be the beginning and starting place for real/true love, but not necessarily. Also, spouses who fall out of love with their each other can regain that loving feelings for each other again if they start to act loving towards one another and start fulfilling each other’s EN’s. I’ve seen very often on these boards how feelings can follow actions. You’re right, you can’t decide to “fall in love” with a person, but you can choose to start acting loving towards someone or let someone fill your EN’s and many times loving feelings will start to follow these actions. This is also how A’s start, right? People choose to share time, talk and built a friendship with someone of the opposite sex and then on some stage loving feelings start to follow these actions and the WS “fall in love” with the OP.

Win bin, a long time ago I also felt confused about these things, but the book ”The road less traveled” put everything regarding love in perspective for me and helped me to understand the concepts of love. I was so impressed by the book that I even posted some extractions from the book to these forums to help people better understand the differences between real/true love; feelings of love and romantic love. Here is the link. Please read it.

Suzet

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 03:14 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

I was a bit confused re: the feeling in love issue too. But, in retrospect, it makes sense. That was how I fell for the OM in the 1st place ... spending time fulfilling each other's EN. Naturally, physical attraction helped too (I guess that's also considered an EN).

Whisper

Bump for win bin

I understand infatuation and falling in love, and long term love. H and I have been together 21 years. We had a good simmering love early in our marriage. Maybe we can get it back, I just don't know right now. Have to wait for the withdrawl to end.

Links for FWS’s on how to help recover the M and help the BS to heal:

What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

When “sorry” is not enough

The following links will help you as the FWS to get more insight into yourself:

A quick start guide on withdrawal

How the wayward get wayward

A must read for any WS/FWS:

Atruheart’s letter to WS’s everywhere