Hello all! I am new to this board. I'm wishing I would've found it a long time ago. I have been with my wife for 7 years now. We have had some serious issues for a while. I think many of our problems centered around her need for affection and my needs of sexual fulfillment and the cycle that a lack of either leads to as described in His Needs Her Needs. Other issues center around location. All of her family and support is in Arkansas. We recently moved to Houston and have been hear for 8 months.

In Feb. she visited her family by herself and left our 2 children with me. While in Arkansas, she bumped into an old friend from HS. She apparantly enjoyed spending time with this guy. When she returned, I felt a different vibe than I had ever felt from my wife. On the way home from the airport, She asked me about us getting married. Ok, here is the deal so you can understand that part. I proposed to her 6 yrs ago. We have two children ages 4 and almost 6. I have always considered us a married couple. I always introduce her as my wife and so on. To me, considering myself married was enough. I never understood why it was not enough for her I suppose. When we first started planning for a ceremony, we spoke of the church, the gown, the whole 9 yards. As time when by, I realized I could not afford that. I put it off each year, hoping this would be the year I could do it. IT never happened. I have been ashamed that I could not provide the means to make it the most memorable day of her life. I never realized that that meant very little to her. All that mattered to her was the commitment in stone and becoming one.

A couple days after she came home, she told me that she wasn't happy and she wanted to end things. I begged and begged for a chance. She said she would not go anywhere for now. She went up last week for spring break to visit her family again. She called me Sat. and informed that she was just going to stay there. She informed me that she had feelings for another man in Arkansas. I looked at my phone bill and discovered they had been speaking since the day she came back in Feb.

I told her that many marriages have doubts along the way. I said that 2 years ago, when we fought frequently, that I asked myself whether or not I was still in love with her. I told her I worked through it and realized that I loved her now more than ever. She said that that is where she is and to let her work through it, give her time and space. She told me that if feelings of any kind could slip into her, she must not be happy and she must not be in love with me anymore. I told her that She and my kids are my home, wherever they may be and that I could be happy wherever they are.

She said she feels she cannot be herself with me or in Houston. That I can't be happy up there, so she belongs up there and I belong down here. I begged her for a real chance. Over the past months I started to address my issues with affection. We started to go to bed at the same time again. We cuddled in bed, we laid on the couch together watching tv. I told her that I wasn't raised to be that way, but that since I've tried it I have loved it and I have felt so much closer to her.

She said she cannot give me a chance. She later said she cannot give me a chance if she can't give herself a chance. I suspect that she also wanted to see where her feelings for the OM would lead. I informed her that I had called this OM and left a message. I wanted her to hear it from me. She told me that if I wanted to talk to him, he would do so. I later called him and explained my love for my wife and kids and that 7 years was too much to throw away. He seemed a little surprised that she had feelings like this for him. He said he thought he loved her as well. I asked him if he could help me save my family. He said I didn't have to worry about him standing in the way. He told my wife of our conversation and she became livid. She told me to stop calling all of her friends and family and to stop calling him.

I asked her to not be angry and to understand that I only did it out of love and that I was fighting for her the only way I knew how. I wanted to prove that she was worth fighting for. She told me to stop trying to manipulate the situation. She asked me what if she wanted to date this guy. What if that made her happy. She said that was screwed because the OG will have nothing to do with her now. She said that this would only push her away more. She said she told me she needed space and time and this was not it. She said she would call yesterday, but has not so far.

I realize now that I have done most of the no-nos on the 180 list. I wish I would've seen that list 2 days ago. Although, with the extreme emotions I was feeling it may not have made a difference. I understand our deficiencies in the marriage and take full responsibility for my lack of effort to date. I have tried to convince her that if we would just work together on this, we could be happy.

I have read many female perspectives when the husband leaves, but not many going the other way. I need advice and help please.

Paul,

Do not beg. Do not beg. Ever. Ever.

Don't try to convince her of anything. It won't work. The best argument in the world will not work. Forget it.

Allow yourself to be indignant. She has betrayed you, she is trying to abandon you, and she is calling YOU a bad guy, controlling and manipulative. She doesn't care a damn about you, how anything makes you feel. You're just a villain right now.

People who care about you and your W should know about the affair. Tell them.

You have to let go of her. Trying to hold her in place will only make her struggle harder to get away.

This is textbook.

GC

I have read the 180 list and a lot of it makes sense. I have realized that she is not coming back right now and nothing will be fixed right now either. I am seriously addressing my self-improvement. I know that as we do talk, I will need to talk to her as a friend. I need to be what she went to this other man for, understanding conversation/friendship, something I haven't been providing. I know, she is the one that betrayed me emotionally. But I know that I failed to live up to my end of the relationship in so many ways.

I know I can show her change in conversation. What I worry about is the fact she won't be able to see it from so far away (Arkansas). Not talking to her is made very difficult with our kids being up there.

I have mixed feelings about the 180 list. I see that I need to be a little distant, don't say I love you/miss you, etc. She left me for not showing her enough affection and attention. Isn't this just providing more of the same. Also, she thinks that she can only be happy in Arkansas and I can only be happy in Houston. If I appear that I am happy and moving on, doesn't that just confirm her belief? I understand the concept of these guidelines, I just feel conflicted about what I should be offering her.

I just realized that I put this discussion in the wrong forum btw. Sorry!

Can you start the 180 list approach too soon? I am on day 5 since WW left me and disclosed her EA. I last spoke to her on day 2(the day I called the OM and asked for help and she became livid).

Here's another qquestion...many have suggested that I write WW a letter describing what she means to me. Another was that I write a letter that also includes all the things I need to improve about myself and all the things I think she loves about me. One person even suggested I write a list of needs (from HNHN) that I did not meet for her so she knows I am aware and show full responsibility. My mother suggested I send cash with a little note of "Get your nails done" or something similar. She says a little later down the line, I could send flowers. She suggests I "romance" her over time.

These are not phone calls, but are contact. Can any of these suggestions be used since they are not conversations?

Paul,

This is not the wrong forum for you. Yes, you "just found out" and that is also a good forum but General Questions has many more posters. I think you'll get more help and advice here, so I'm bringing your post back up to the top,, hoping others will join in.

So have you heard from her at all in the last few days? Recovery and rebuilding is a tough job but extra hard, I think, when you are not living together. If/when she does call, do NOT interrogate her. Do not ask about the OM or if she's still seeing him. Try to keep the talk light, ask about the kids and what they are doing. Tell her good happy constructive things you have been doing. Do NOT LB!!

Paul you need to be working a strong Plan A right now. Have you read all about Plan A on this site? I'm going to include a couple of links I want you to check out and think about.
What are Plan A and Plan B?

Plan A 101 (2nd ed.)

and from our Plan A Pro, Lostva
Question for Plan A Veterans
You'll find her responses interesting since she also was not living with her spouse.

and be sure to read WAT's Quickstart Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses.

Lots of good information in there!!

Paul, keep posting, keep reading and keep asking questions. There are lots of very knowledgable kind people here that understand exactly what you are going through.

Stay strong!!

Ok, I need a little help understanding where I should be. Since she moved out of of state, I don't know if that automatically puts me in Plan B or not. I'm thinking not. Plan A suggests a willingness to negotiate on the WS's part. Right now, my W is telling me she needs space and time. She is not willing to give me a chance right now. This is why I brought up the 180 List 180 list.

Should this list be used with Plan A, B, what? I can't negotiate with her if I can't even get her to come to the table right now. So how can I start Plan A if we're not to this point yet?

Also, if Plan A calls for openness and honesty, should I say I love you or I miss you? The 180 List suggests not.

Paul,

Are you in any contact with her at all? Does she call you or you call her? How about the kids? Are you keeping in contact with them?

We spoke yesterday when I was looking for the kids. The kids were already asleep, but she started talking to me after I asked how they were doing. I tried to keep the conversation very light and friendly. There was no talk about our relationship. It was mainly geared toward kids, her work, and what I was doing. The only time it got serious is when she mentioned that we would have to talk about child support of some kind. She is enrolling in a tuition assistance program and they need proof of it she tells me. Other than that, it was very uplifting for me.

paul..

nothing and I pretty much mean nothing makes me as mad a woman or man who decides that the parent of the children they had together can just be replaced so easily....

the audacity of a woman who rips her children from their father should not be acceptable to you...

you need to seperate these issues and you need to work aggressively on getting your children back...

the issue of recovering and marriage building is secondary to her belief that she has the right to take the children from you...
and you must rise to this challenge and begin to fight....

you MUST seek legal counsel on what rights you have and you MUST exercise your rights...

your children are being taught that fathers don't matter and can be replaced as easily as we change our clothes...

your children have been ripped from their home
dad is not there
and mom is hanging around with new guy...

horrific it is...

you must seek legal counsel and pursue blocking exposure of your children to STRANGE MEN

you must seek legal counsel about getting your children home...

mom wants a new honey...she's welcome to him...but leave the children out of that chaos and exposure to danger....

you must seek out a childrens advocate...

you MUST do this...
your children need their dad especially when mom is being a JERK>..

block her ability to steal the children from their home...
stand up and be dad..

seek out support groups for fathers and men in the same situation...

look in to Chuch related support groups...

do this first and formost...

I can not stress this enough.

people that use children to serve their whims disgust me....

she can be as lost as she wants..
but she should not be allowed to drag the children with her...

aRK

Hello all,

This is Paul. For some reason I couldn't log back in with my old user so I created a new one. I picked this discussion up in a new thread.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2683612

I could really use your help. I read your post Assieswife and could really use your insight. Thanks!

Paul, your link did not work. Is this the one you want?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2683612

Yes, thanks faithful!