Wife here--

I don't hate you... I'm in withdrawl. I'm working on it. One step at a time, we just have to see where it will lead.

-win

Wow...I find myself in an interesting position. I've been providing a bit of advice for the both of you, and not realized that I was actually talking to the same couple.

Could I PLEASE make the suggestion that you BOTH go look at my story on loveshack.org? It's under the same "name".

I really think that it might help BOTH of you to see what CAN come out of this. My wife and I have managed to recover quite a bit from our issues. Our situation IS a bit different from yours, but there are enough similarities that I can really see how you both are likely feeling right now.

I still recommend to BOTH of you that you remove the internet from your home, since it continues to be the vehicle for everything. I know that you really don't want to at this point, Win, but honestly, this is the BEST way to actually prove to YOURSELF what the reality is here.

Use the removal of the internet to break off contact completely from any of the OM. And do it for say, 45 days. A month, to a month and a half. And then, see how you're still feeling for the OM then. My wife and I didn't get this far in our case, but again, our situation was different.

BOTH of you need to start being honest with EACH other about what you're feeling. You've both been honest here on the boards...I've seen it. Now share that with EACH OTHER. Even the doubts you both have about each other. Talk about it. Get it out in the open. Be honest. And then see what happens while you're doing that, and there's no further interaction with the OM.

Win- if what you had with the OM is REAL, then 45 days will mean nothing for how you feel for him, right? I know that a six month deployment never once lessened my love for my wife, or hers for me. If it's still there after that time, THEN make a choice. Here's a chance to prove it, one way or another.

Think about it, please? Both of you? I really mean to help here.

Owl,
It's over with OM. There is no choice there. He has dumped me anyway. I'm hoping the withdrawl will end soon and I can work on the M. I'm trying to be patient with myself, I know H is anxious to wrap things up. Thanks, and I will look your story up.

Not anxious to wrap things up, dear, just anxious to start on the work we have ahead of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What exactly does your recovery plan map look like...

what does it look like for each of you..

ark

My personal plan is:

- Work on being happier and nicer. My grumpiness and temper were really pushing her away
- Lose weight & join a gym
- Spend more time with her
- Get back to being the good listener I used to be
- Cut way back on amusement park trips with friends
- Cut way back on hours spent computer gaming
- Reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and applying fixes to what I was doing wrong while continuing doing what I was doing right
- Be more proactive with household repairs

So far I have been doing very well on most of these. We haven't spent as much time together as I would have liked because I'm trying to give her space. And I haven't really started on my list of household repairs, I'm still coming up with a list of things that need to be done. She's very handy, so I actually want to work on some of them with her when she's a little less withdrawn.

I've asked her to tell me any other things she wants me to work on, but she hasn't been really responsive so far. Understandable, I suppose, since I'm still competing with OM (and losing badly).

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: bassistist ]</small>

you need marriage counseling now...
you need strict boundaries for yourself on what is tolerable and intolerable in your life...

I'm not sure if it is just tone but at times your wife's responses seem somewhat flippant...

like dear...I'm going through withdrawal right now..I can't be bothered with you...

and that can be a way off thing...but even during withdrawal the more you two start turning toward eachother...the easier and more comfortable it gets...

and in my opinion...bassistist...to me...you betrayed your wife just as much as her EA is a betrayal in the sense that you demeaned her value...threw her to the wolves on the internet...to get your needs of SF met....

I seriously recomend serious pro-marriage counseling for you two ASAP

ARK

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Yeah, ark, I'm trying to get us in. The thing that sucks is that, at best, we will only be able to afford 10 sessions of counseling. And we both wonder if that will even be close to enough. We're going through our EAP programs at our jobs and each one only allows 5 visits. She's just not very motivated right now, she's very deep in withdrawal. It's only been a month since D-Day and NC-Day still has not happened.

You're good picking up the flip tone. She is annoyed by some of the responses she has gotten on here, especially the name calling that was directed at her in her thread. She knows what she did wasn't right, but at the same time she also knows this didn't happen in a vacuum...I was treating her badly and that never seems to get addressed in the rush to condemn the WS. I kinda see her point on that one. I'm amazed she's still posting here, she was pretty upset to get hit so hard by a few BS's. I suppose part of it is that they are saying true things she doesn't want to hear, but you can't tell someone in withdrawal that.

Sounds like both of you want to stay together to me.

Be paitient and work on yourselfs first. The together time will come naturally.

Focus on the good things about each other and listen to each other when boundry issues are brought up.

Be a sucess story to share here and enjoy with your family.

You guys can do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. I would suggest changing the name of this thread. It seems to be unapplicable and can only be detractive from the task at hand.

Thanks Greergan. I know I'm still madly in love with her and I want her to stay. I think she is really struggling with fog, and she's torn between staying together for the family and breaking away for her own happiness. I really don't know which way she is going to go. Scary as hell.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bassistist:
<strong> Thanks Greergan. I know I'm still madly in love with her and I want her to stay. I think she is really struggling with fog, and she's torn between staying together for the family and breaking away for her own happiness. I really don't know which way she is going to go. Scary as hell. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is scary. If she stay, don't worry why for a while.

Work on yourself and let her do what she needs. Be there for her in a non-judgmental way when she asks for your support.

Now change the name of the thread already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Something like bassistist's journal or something sounds good to me.

Don't change it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bassistist:
- Be more proactive with household repairs

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi bassistist,

I had to chuckle at this one, because that's one of my bones of contention with my H (he admits he's been increasingly lagging in not only attending to the home repairs, but neglecting to finish what he starts). But realizing that much of my problem (I'm the one who had the A) is in becoming more self-reliant and learning not to lean on others for my happiness, I've volunteered to take on some of the more minor repairs, if only for the satisfaction it will bring me to "do it myself" -- literally. Bought a couple of easy-read manuals for this, my next stop being at the store for my own toolkit (gotta have my own kit, donchaknow).

On a serious note, I see a few similarities in your situation with mine. While mine was an EA/PA with lots of in-person contact with the OM, prior to that my H and I had some experience with online interactions that became dangerously seductive; one person in particular -- who knew both my H and me through various professional contacts -- began to cross the line with me. And yes, I remember the initial allure I felt that someone out there appeared to be becoming smitten with me -- and yet with the "safety" of it being online only. And not totally dissimilar to you, my H found it a bit of a turn-on at the thought of adding this "new" element to our sex life.

But before we could go any further, we (my H and I) nixed the situation. But looking back, we both agree that we should have realized that our intrigue with it was a big red flag for possible trouble to come. At the very least, it underlined the fact that neither of us was completely happy with our current sexual interactions. And like you, my H and I began dating very young. I really never dated prior to H, and while it's by far not the only reason for my A, I'm sure the intrigue associated with experiencing another man was part of what fueled my decision to submit to the OM's seductions.

So my advice to both of you is.... be aware that W might be vulnerable to the temptation of getting involved in an in-person A while she goes through withdrawal.

oatmeal

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by win bin:
<strong> Don't change it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ouch... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

That was my thought bassist. I'm sad for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yep, sucks to be me right now. Oh well. I'm still trying, not giving up on anything yet. It kind of sucks, cause I'm trying to vent on here instead of talking her ear off about it so she can get on with her "recovery" (which is a joke since NC isn't even being considered). I have no other place to vent or people to talk to. She has numerous friends she is chatting/emailing with to vent and I'm privy to none of that...I have no idea what she's feeling. It's pretty goddamn unfair, but I'm getting used to being hurt by her. She seems to do it without much concern for me these days.

Ugh.

Man, I feel for ya. And yes I know how it feels. Been knowingly living this hell for over 5 months now and unkowingly for the previous 7 or 8.

Many couples who post here agree to have seperate/private threads. No peeking with out permission.

Sounds like you would benifit from such an agreement.

BTW: I would still change the thread name.

Bass-

I seriously recommend that the two of you start some kind of counseling ASAP...it's darned hard to sort through something like this without that kind of help. And it helps to have a nuetral third party that can referee between the two of you as you start to work through things.


Win-

You've seen my post. You've heard my recommendations on what would likely hasten both you and your husband's recovery through this. Something BOTH of you seem to need to work on a little is LBing each other. Your husband really isn't the true source of your pain and hurt at the moment friend...it's your withdrawl from the OM. Keep that in mind, re-read what a lot of us have talked about concerning withdrawl, and try not to lash out at each other. It WILL pay off later, believe it or not.

I've noticed that Win says that contact is over...but Bass doesn't appear to feel that it is. Win, think about what I told you as far as becoming an "open book". That really is critical for both of you. If the contact is over, then doing so costs you nothing, but helps you both. If the contact isn't over...then you need to take steps to make it happen...and allowing him full access to your emails, IMs, phone, etc...will absolutely do that.

Think about it friends. Good luck!