Forged,

Ba (a long time veteran) says that Plan A is NOT about meeting WS's needs. It is about stopping all LB's/DJ's and showing the WS that the home will be safe from retribution should they decide to end the affair. Being the "lighthouse" is what Ark calls it.

She is not going to let you meet her EN's right now. And you are not going to be a doormat either. Fine line, I know.

Plan A takes an incredible amount of strength, so I have to commend you on the job you are doing.

Weaver,
is it an LB to confront her with the dicovery? (in a calm non DJ fasion?) I feel the need to talk about it, but I want to avoid pushing her out the door.

Reading your sig line makes me think I should let her know what I know.

If it's solid, undeniable proof than I would confront her.

It would not be an LB unless you started calling her names and a liar along with the proof.

Use the statement Gimble gave you regarding wanting to rebuild your marriage should she decide to end her affair.

I personally would confront once I had proof that could not be denied. She still might deny it though, so don't start calling her a liar and all that if she does. Be as calm and respectful as you can be. Some people deny they are in bed with someone even when their spouse catches them redhanded.

I'm sorry that you are going through this Forged, it is pain worse than anything, but you can get through it especially with Gimble and the others help.

"Wife, I am ready and willing to do whatever it takes to repair our marriage. We can't do that with a third person in our marriage. We can start just as soon as the other person is out of our marriage and you agree to never contact him again."


I like this statement Gimble gave for the confrontation. No arguing about whether she is or isn't in an affair. Show her your proof and make your statement.

Then it is pretty much up to her Forged. After that if she doesn't end the affair you have no control over it. This is the hard part, but if you stick to your statement, become the lighthouse basically and get out of the way so the affair can fall apart on it's own.

If you are not involved in it, they cannot blame you. You cannot become the scapegoat which keeps them from looking at themselves. This is very important and why no LB's/DJ's on your part.

Forged - Sorry you find yourself in this position, but it's a big club, so welcome to the system.

Are you "up" for a reality check, even if it hurts?

Your wife is deep into a Physical Affair and it would take solid proof to get me to believe otherwise. You are hearing all the classic garbage from a WS intent on continuing their affair and "justifying" it in their mind by rewriting history to make you the "bad guy" in just about everything. The next thing you are going to hear is that she needs to move out for while because she needs to "think." No, now that you are aware of her affair, she needs a place where she can come and go and see the OM without you being around. As soon as you hear the "I need some space" line, get ready.

Also, she HAS seen a Lawyer. Lawyers are NOT in the marriage saving business. They are in the marriage ending, fee collecting business. Nobody sees a lawyer because of an Emotional Affair alone. Get ready, you are about to receive a major emotional "wedgie" in the form of papers for separation at the least, and divorce at the worst.

So what to do? This may hurt, but it's time to put the artsy things aside, to put the "nice guy" stuff aside, and to become an intense detective. If you can't do it on your own, then hire a PI to do it for you.

NO more talking to the family. You have NO proof (I mean what are copies of phone bills showing inordinate amounts of time talking to ONE someone other than her husband?). One thing I can assure you is that most WS's are stupid in a lot of ways and leave a trail a blind man can follow, once he realizes that there IS something to look for.

Forged, you need to understand that if you are going to FIGHT for your marriage, a fight is exactly what it is going to be. Your marriage is already over, you just refuse believe it or accept it. But it ended when your wife decided to commit adultery as the "way" to deal with marital problems.

Okay, Plan A. Plan A is about 2 things. One, it is about YOU making needed changes in yourself because they ARE needed regardless of whether or not you remain married to your wife. Two, it is about giving your wife a "new you" to see and a "reason" for her to want to remain married to the "new you," not the "old you." It is in that way that Plan A helps to end an affair. But now a word of warning.

DO NOT "expect" her to end the affair or react positively to your changes for a long time. You do them because they are needed and because the chances are that you may have to go to Plan B at some point and she needs to remember the "new you" as someone desireable.

Forged, if what you said is true and the OM's wife is pushing for a divorce, you can bet that your wife feels like she needs to "be there" emotionally for the OM. Yes, I know she can't see that she should "be there" emotionally for you, but it's just another case of the blinding fog of adultery.

I've seen no mention of faith in your thread, so I am going to assume that neither of you are believers. That being the case, your only real chance to "reach" your wife is to follow the MB plan exactly. With no outside "yardstick" for moral and ethical behavior, your wife is making up what she thinks is "acceptable" behavior along the lines of society in general, which is very liberal and NOT pro-marriage. So, if you truly want to save your marriage you are going to have to learn the "hard way" what "loving sacrificially" really means.

While all of this may have sounded a bit brusk and harsh, believe me when I tell you that I know how devastating this has been to you emotionally and that you are "casting around" in all directions for "some ray of hope, something to do that will work." There is NO easy answer and there are NO quick fixes. The average recovery time is 2 years and you are not even in recovery yet. So it's going to take a lot of hard work and complete dedication and commitment on your part, regardless of how your wife is, or isn't, reacting on any given day.

Finally, regarding the IC you saw for MC. Don't. IC's are interested in making the INDIVIDUAL feel better about themselves. Marriage counselors should be counseling COUPLES jointly and holding BOTH spouses accountable for changes that will enhance and build the marriage as well as holding you both accountable for getting rid of detrimental behaviors you each may have.

So if you are going to have MC, get a trained counselor who is dedicated to saving marriages. But understand that going for counseling WITHOUT a commitment from your wife to at least "try" to save the marriage is a waste of time. The point is that as long as the affair is continuing, NOTHING anyone says that is anything like "end the affair" and/or "rebuild the marriage will fall on deaf, fog enshrouded, ears.

So the "what to do" question continues. The answer is to get proof of the full extent of the affair, photographic, letters, emails, phone messages, cell logs, etc. You have to prepare yourself AS IF you were going to divorce on the grounds of Adultery. Yes, it hurts and yes it's disgusting to have to do that, but your wife is in the middle of an affair and will NOT stop on her own. You, at the same time, are still in denial. YOU NEED the truth, or you will never know what is really going on and what you really need to do to "have a chance."

The OM's car at the same house your wife was "cleaning?" You really aren't that naive, but you are probably a lot like I was...."who? Not my wife!" Her accusations of you "invading her privacy" are classic. She IS hiding something and she's terrified that you might actually find out the real truth, because underneath all her lying and "justifications" she KNOWS that adultery is WRONG...period.

I see you've ordered SAA, so I'll toss out a couple more for you to get and read. You need all the information you can get right now. The first is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and the second is Divorce Remedy by Michelle Wiener-Davis. Get them and read them.

Keep posting, the ride is going to get really rocky and the emotional strain will be enormous. Lot's of here have been through it and will try to help out all we can.

God bless.

Forged

you have got some very good advice from forever hers & others here on some practical things to do here.
Please follow that advice. Do not avoid whats happening, I know you may just wish it will go away but sadly it will not.

Becasue she is getting so much support from her sibs and parents - and will anyway - I do think you need a PI to take some photos perhaps of them at the homes she cleans etc or whatever. Not tateful I know but solid evidence or an admission from one of them is required
It will not stop the support but will make it obvious she has lied to her family and that may help you in the long run. At the least i would expect Dad to say to her to take it elsewhere AND probably not be too pleased for making fools of them.
Making it difficult to continue an affair is part of the over all plan A to end it. Its like building a brick wall, each brick at a time.
Its not a LB to confront her with facts so you should get them first.
I know PI may not be cheap, like a good MC, but a divorce is way more expensive.

I cannot say if she will leave the M or not, I dont think she knows either.

Share info with the OM wife & offer her this MB site so she can work from her end if you have not done so.

Get your evidence & confront before she leaves for Nj if possible - but only if its not possible to deny the evidence

Long road ahead Forged but you are doing ok as hard as that may be to accept. Just do NOT accept you are responsible for her choices ok?
I chose my A, and so do all WS.
Do not buy into her blame game. If you have to respond to her attacks say something like Yes I know you want to believe I am to blame calmly, better to get up and walk away if your anger starts to get hold of you. Avoiding LB's is important, but you can still point out her actions are hurtful and are her choices freely made.

I appreciate the help for my sitch. I would not have made it this far without Gimble, and the others who have kindly offered support. I did not read the posts until after I talked to W, this morning, now I fear the result will be to have driven the A further underground. I can't afford a PI, to be sure.

I stayed out late yesterday, to avoid W. It was good to spend time with a couple committed to each other, with their DD 9mos. W apparently got home early, and spent the eve alone, something she doesn't have the opportunity to do very often. She did a bit of snooping, looking through my closet, but I have nothing to hide.

This morning I asked her about her day yesterday. She said she had a good day. I asked if she saw OM, and she looked me in the eye and said no. I said, are you sure about that? She said she was. I told her that I knew otherwise, and had seen with my own eyes. I said that I asked the question, not to trap her, but to give her the opportunity to be honest with me. If she had been honest, I would have thanked her for her honesty, and left it at that. She said that OM had called her to say he had a big bowl of fruit, and stopped by so they could eat it.((((internal dialog: HUH?????????????? GMAFB! I may have mush for brains right now, but please.)))))) She called it "lunch", and said it was unplanned. I said it was an early lunch at 10am, and he couldn't have arrived at the model long after her. I avoided any disrespect, and simply stated my request, that she cease contact with OM, and allow us to work through what is ahead. I said that all I ask for is honesty, that her choice to lie is more painful to both of us than the truth could ever be. She showed no remorse, as expected. She defensively apologized for her lie (i'm sorry, but...). She said that OM had visited her there on several ocaissions, yet denies an affair. She harangued me for "trying to rally her family behind me". I asked if they knew she was meeting OM at the models. She ignored my question.

When I stated my simple request for NC, she said, "I have already made up my mind, I want a D." I said I do not want a D, and will fight for our M. I busied myself with chores. I bit later, I reminded her of DST, and that our clocks were wrong. She proceeded to run around, preparing for a bridal shower, of all things. She was late , of course. I made sure to stay out of her way, and kept the cat from underfoot. I'm sure W wishes I was out from underfoot as well.

I have pictures of OM's car in drive, but that is worthless as proof of anything unsavory. I assume a PI would cost thousands. I am not interested in proving her A in court, as equitable is equitable regardless of fault. I don't stand to gain by proving A, nor do I wish to gain. Her $$ is hers, and I don't want it. I want her love, and want to be her lighthouse, but she sees open waters ahead, and has no need for my beacon.

FH, I haven't mention much about faith, but I do believe. I am a Lutheran, and W is a Roman Catholic. We do not regularly attend church. I stopped attending after high school, and for the next year, I never heard from any church members to see if I was okay, but they regularly sent requests for $$. I feel a bit burned by that, but I pray regularly. W has not practiced much either, and clearly, her morals are shifting. Sadly, the morals of her entire family don't seem to mesh with the RC view of divorce, as my exposure had no effect.

MC is a waste at this point, but I will continue with my IC, for now. I have read SAA, DR, DB, HNHN, and others. I just picked up LB, LMBT, and Undefended Love. My brain is full, and every revelation seems to liquify a little more grey matter. I will pick up Torn Asunder, but I will need to buy it, because none of the local Libraries has it.

I agree that I am having a hard time accepting that the marriage is over, but clearly, it is. I know W seees my lack of acceptance, and I think she is progressively making it easier for me to let go (or drop her like a hot potato, nursing my burn).

I will see how much a PI would cost, and see if I can aford it and an Attorney. I know that there is more going on than she says, but I don't know if the info I could get from a PI would help me continue this Plan A. My guess is the oppposite.

I embrace the fact that I am not responsible for her choices, and I am working very hard on the aspects of myself that brought us to the place where she made her decision to be unfaithful.

The horizon is very dark. The hope I feel is dwindling. The fight is on, but I don't know how long I am up for the battle. Am can remain calm, and I can avoid LB's, but I don't know how long I can handle this emptiness.

Hi, Forged.

Your wife knows that you know what she is doing. Just make sure that you continue to speak about her affair in a matter-of-fact manner. Let there be no shred of doubt from you when you speak to her about it.

The affair, physical or not, is still an affair. The pain is real regardless.

I was reading some of Dr. Harley's articles last night, and he says that a wayward spouse will sometimes go to extremes in lying about their affairs. He sited one example where the wayward spouse claimed that the betrayed spouse was hallucinating when the wayward spouse was caught in bed with the other person. It's all scripted.

quote:
==================================
I agree that I am having a hard time accepting that the marriage is over, but clearly, it is. I know W seees my lack of acceptance, and I think she is progressively making it easier for me to let go (or drop her like a hot potato, nursing my burn).
==================================

Your original marriage is over only in the sense that she has broken it by breaking her vows. The goal now is to build a better marriage that is affair proof, unlike the old dead one. That is why you are working Plan A - negotiating an end to the affair so that you can build a new marriage.

Her goal right now, is to feed her feelings - using any method that she can. Consider your wife an addict. She wants nothing more than to feed the chemical concoction in her brain that makes her feel like a school girl with her first 'puppy love'. Like any other junkie, she will do damn near anything to get her fix, including burning down the gates of hell and anything else that gets in the way, INCLUDING YOUR MARRIAGE.

These concepts are well understood, Forged. Her actions are as expected. This is why Plan A works.

You are handling this well. Don't let your emotions overrule your logic and spoil all your hard efforts.

Constancy is your friend.

quote:
==================================
The horizon is very dark. The hope I feel is dwindling. The fight is on, but I don't know how long I am up for the battle. Am can remain calm, and I can avoid LB's, but I don't know how long I can handle this emptiness.
==================================

The horizon is NOT dark. You are feeling sorry for yourself. If you feel you need to, get on some antidepressants.

The truth is that your future is very bright. Even if you end up divorced, you will have corrected some issues in yourself that needed attention. The package that a future Mrs. Forged gets will make her a happy woman, and you, quite the find.


Gimble

Today, as W was preparing to leave, she said something refering to a time "after the D". I made it clear to her that I had no intention of being her friend if we had a D. I said that the most she could expect would be a "hi" if we passed each other paddling down the creek. I said" But we aren't D, and I intend to fight for our M. " I asked if she had an appt with atty. At first, she gave an elusive answer with a weird smirk on her face. A bit later she said she did not have an appt this week. Her schedule is too full and she is going out of town on FRI. (I look forward to some W free head sorting GAL time) She asked what I wanted to talk about prior to her atty appt. I said we should discuss whatever decisions she was going to make before putting the atty on the payroll, so that we could work out details. She said "Like what to do with all of the tools" I said that I was keeping my tools, because that is my form of expression, and my source of income. I pointed out that I ended the business to make more money elsewhere, in the hope of saving our marriage. I said regardless of M outcome, I will resume the metal art business on a part time basis. I asked if she intended for me to sell the tools. She said something about liquidating assets, but then said she did not intend to make me sell my tools. If she did, she would be a completely different person than I thought she was.

Hi, Forged.

I don't think that the judge is likely to force you to do anything with the tools you make your living using.

More importantly, please stop spending your time worrying about a legal proceeding. The subject of lawyers and divorce comes up, and she feels like she has all the power. The fact is, her plan is obvious, and it is not a good one, and she has not implemented it well. You have a plan, and you are doing pretty good with it.

Stop chasing the negatives. It won't help anything, and it will make you feel worse about your situation. It also ups your wife's sense of desperation in you (needy behavior). Don't feed it. Don't tell your wife your strategy.

Lastly, your attorney can talk to hers when or IF the time comes. Stop the discussions legitimizing division of property. That is for the attorneys. Leave the word 'amicable' out of your vocabulary until the marriage is truly over - and you are a long way from there. Stop discussing divorce.

Next time the 'divorce' word or 'lawyer' comes up, listen to what she has to say. When it is your turn to talk;
"Wife, I don't know about all that, but I do know that I am fighting for our marriage and I will continue to do so".
If she persists in the discussion, listen, then repeat the above as often as needed. This is a boundary. Stick to it.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,
When the talks come up, in my head I know the boundries. I find myself getting involved with the discussion on her level, and then I work myself back out with my mission statement. I will recite to myself today, over and over again, the rules of engagement. I will drill them into my thick skull, and hope that they stick to one of the brain areas that is still fuctioning.

I will work on my head. I am feeling the pain, and letting myself get bogged down with the negatives, as you pointed out. I am determined to turn this around. Thanks for the reality check.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you see me sitting around
Thinking the same old thoughts over and over again
Or going back to old ways I've long ago abandoned,
Please, tell me
Never go back

Camper Van Beethoven
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This morning W started another R talk. I skirted the issue of S, and said that if she would cease contact, we could work on what lies ahead. I am not holding out for some miraculous change if NC, but I think that it will aid in the resoulution of our probs.

W seems so hateful, so spiteful, and so cold. She makes statements charged with ridicule. One such statement was pertaining to the fact that I told people about her """""affair""""""" (I am sure you understand the tone in the quote marks) She asked if they beleived she was having an affair (our friends). I told her that they didn't know what to think, but that they believed her level of friendship was inappropriate, and bordering on obsessive. She said something in defense of her R w/ OM. I asked her if I were invovled with my friends wife in the same manner, what would her reaction be to my R. She said she would be jealous and suspicious!!!! How can she have such a glaring double standard?

I asked her what her father would think if he knew she was meeting OM in his model home. She said he wouldn't mind her eating a bowl of fruit salad. I asked about the other times they met, and she tried to say they hadn't met other times, apparently forgetting that she already told me they had met several times.

An interesting comment she made: "Maybe I have been rebelling all of these years." I aske d for clarification. She struggled for words for a bit, and then said that maybe she chose me and our R as a form of rebelling against her family, as if I am some monstrosity to be used as a weapon! I will be the first to admit that I was a teenaged malcontent, but I have always been kind, loving and honest. It seems like she is trying to paint our whole R as a sham, but in the same breath she said she "had" genuine love for me.

I am not putting much credence in the things she is saying right now. I am trying to validate, not rebut, and allow her thoughts to take shape into these mind boggling statements. She is a strong willed woman, and she is stubborn to the core. She is still saying that I won't let go of her because I don't want to lose the house and shop. I honestly don't want to lose the house and shop, but I would hand it all over to a bum on the street if it meant she would be willing to work on our M.

Where does the fog stop and the reality start?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's gonna take a nitcomb to get rid of me
Cos I just realized that it was meant to be
I'm standing at the sale of the shoes of bankrupt men
I just had to buy a pair to show I can live again
They're ringing the bells all over the city on a Saturday night
Nobody knows why, but they know its gonna be alright

It's gonna take a nitcomb to get rid of me
Cos I just realized that it was meant to be
And they're banging on the sheets of metal, sheets of gold
And these were the finest shoes that were ever sold
Raining on roofs, raining on drums
Love buys a six-pack and gives it to the bums
They're ringing on the bells in the city on a Saturday night
Nobody knows why, but they know its gonna be alright

Joe Strummer, NitComb
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi, Forged.

The rewriting of marital history by a wayward spouse is very common. They have a a hard time reconciling their current actions with an accurate marital history. The good times, the love, the shared activities and experiences have to be changed, otherwise, the guilt for the current activities would be overpowering.

All the hiss and venom is because her current state of misery must be your fault, since you are dragging your feet and keeping her from her 'happiness'. She needs you to be the bad guy here, that way she becomes the victim and is only doing what is natural (the other man) to extricate herself from the awful place you have forced her to exist in. What is really sad, is that I didn't have to make that stuff up.

You continue doing what you are doing. It is having an effect.

It is time to consider the private investigator so that you can knock this thing the rest of the way out into the open.

You don't have to justify the house or shop or tools to me. Those things you have worked hard for as well. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your investment. After all, an investment in marriage with your wife is what you are working at saving now.

Quote:
=================================
Where does the fog stop and the reality start?
=================================

Reality starts the second a recognition that the affair was illicit, becomes fact in the mind of the formerly wayward spouse. Until then, the truth, when present at all, is at best, mixed in with all the other diatribe.

All the best,
Gimble

let's hope that reality sets in sometime soon. I am hoping to get a break with my recon work. There would be nothing better to throw back the blinds of secrecy than to have a glossy 8x10 of them sharing intimacy. (it wouldn't be any more of a knife in my heart than her bare faced lies)

If I can break her ability to deny wrongdoing, I think that she may be willing to work on M. Recon is very difficult. I feel like a sneak at times, but it is not my choice to live in secrecy, it is WW's choice. I have been honest and upfront, even with my recon work. I am the type that has a hard wait until Christmas to hide the presents. Sitting on any info I gather is going to be tough, but I know I need to play my cards at the right time. I already forced the A deeper into secrecy by discussing my discovery over the weekend.

Forged, that sounds like a plan, and you are doing well and learning very quickly.

The thing about sitting on the info, is that the desire to 'use it now' comes from desperation and resentment. While that is a perfectly normal reaction to her not playing 'fair', it is also a bad strategy.

In the battle you are fighting, you have to use tools that are constructed from truth, otherwise, the foundation you build, and the side you fight for would have no more substance than the side she is on, her only weapons being a feeling, and a network of deception to support it.

At the outset, such a battle often seems impossible, but truth and upright (moral if you will) behavior has this interesting property that makes it 'sticky'. It is hard to run or hide from truth since it always seems to 'stick' to the person that needs it. The side effect of truth for a wayward spouse is that it drives their avoidance of anything or anyone that reminds them of the truth of what they are doing. No matter where they go, or how fast they run, truth is always just a step behind them, ready to bite them in the butt the instant they slow down.

Your strategy is to use truth, and an upright loving heart, along with the other tools you have accumulated, to cause an end to the affair.

Hang in there, Forged.

Gimble

Forged-

Do you have a friend who could perform the PI work for you for free? Someone she wouldn't recognize, who could keep an eye on her when she's cleaning the houses?

I'm kinda curious why you didn't approach the house when you saw the OM's car there...personally, I would have run a quick recon and tried to see what they were up to.

Couple of thoughts...when else does she have the chance to have contact with the OM? Is she calling him while you're at work, or in her car, or whatever? Have you thought about getting a voice activated recorder and placing it in her car, or the room where she usually has the phone when you're not there? How about looking at her phone for text messages to/from the OM that are 'beyond' normal friendship things? Does she use a computer? If so, do you suspect she's using THAT to have contact with him? If that's the case, get a keylogger on it. Get into her email/IM accounts, and look around there.

While you're at it, do a background check on HIM. There are sites online that you can get a decent check on someone for $20. You can do a lot yourself...'google' in the hands of someone with a purpose is an interesting thing! LOL

Most of these aren't going to give you 'proof' of a PA, but bluntly, the only 'proof' you can have of a PA is photos or walking in on them. Even if you can at least get to the point where you can SHOW her it's an EA, that's a start.

Karegh,
Thanks for the reply.
I was shaking like a leaf on a tree when I saw OM's car. I did not trust my restraint. I am not a violent man, and haven't been in a fight since second grade, but......
Also, I drive aconspicuous vehilce, and would have been detected upon approach, unless they were very preoccupied.

She talks to OM on her cell phone exclusively. Last email from or to OM was in FEB, and seemed innocent. No TM, just talk SHe is never home (2-3 awake hours max) Good idea on the VAR, will do.

I have known OM for 12 years, he was a groomsman in our Wedding.

W returned from her weekend travels colder than ever. She is a stranger. She got home at 11pm, and started with R talks immediately. I tried to avoid the talk. She was putting away groceries, and saying that she bought too much stuff, especially scince... and let her words trail off. I asked "since what?" She said "scince I want a divorce" I said "Are you planning on moving out or something?" She said, "I am not moving out, it is my house!" That blew me away, but i kept my head. I said I was glad she was staying, since I didn't want her to leave. I made it clear that I too would continue to live here. I planted a portion of the garden yeasterday, Lettuce, turnip greens, chard, carrots, snow peas and snap peas. She saw my layout sketch and she said" You are acting like I don't want a divorce" I said" I am acting like I don't want a divorce"
Yesterday morning, she left without lunch, saying she would pick something up. when she finally got home at 10pm, I asked if she ate dinner. She claimed she ate some fruit at SILs. I asked what she had for lunch, and at first did not receive an answer. I asked again, and she said she went out. I asked with whom, and she said with OM. She then lit up a bit, and told me where they went, and started to share what she had. I told her I had no desire to hear those details. After a few moments, I thanked her for her honesty.

She had IC yesterday mid morning, then went out to eat. Then to Sils for 1+ hour of yoga, and dinner. I don't know if she even went to work. She claims that she did. I think her IC has told her to be more blunt in her speach re divorce, and more open with her A.

I am attempting to discover the scope of the A. I need to prove the impropriety to break her denial. Without that, I am stuck. I am preparing a letter to send to ILs, to expose the meetings w/ OM in FILs model home. I am treading this course carefully. I do not want it to seem like an attack or a desperate attempt to rally them against her. I want it to ring with the honest truth of our sitch. I want it to concisely state the facts, without asking for their action. I would like to imply that their action is desired, merely to deliver their moral judgement to W.

Hi, Forged.

It is a good idea to send the letter. Don't tell them what their actions should be, don't ask them to do anything, just inform them of the truth. Make sure you tell them about your desire to save the marriage.

They will do whatever they will do. Don't try to control the outcome. No disrespectful judgments, just the truth.

You are doing well.

"Wife, the only discussion I want to have with you about your affair with Lydia's husband is about your ending it. When it is over, I will be happy to discuss the affair with you at length. Would you like to have lunch with me today at Pasquale's?"

God bless,
Gimble

Much has happened since my last post. I did some recon work, and learned way more than I hoped or wanted to learn. I learned that W is definitely involved in a PA. She and OM exchange ILYs. W said some of the ugliest things about me that I have ever heard. OM is pressuring her , and said "I'm not pressuring you too much am I?, You gotta get meaner to him...." W said"I know, I'm trying to." He replied, I know it's hard for your....I love you sooo much. " Then he said..."That's what he's trying to do. He's trying to break you. He's saying he can outlast me, he can't though, I won't have it." Then he remarked how strange it was that I still wanted to be married to him, even though she told me she wanted a D, "that's the wild part" He kept reassuring her that he wasn't mad for not getting me to move out already....

They spent a great deal of time talking about me, the majority of the talk was about me. W lied to OM as much as she has been lying to OM. All of our interactions wre distorted when she relayed them to OM. She told OM, about seeing me fresh out of the shower with my skivvies on, "You know something, I wasn't attracted to him whatsoever, nothing was there at all, I felt nothing.........yeah, but I want you to know that., I just thought it was pathetic"

OM talked about me more than W. He apologized for talking about probs so much.

SHe told him a story about how she and SIL were talking about me getting out of shower, and SIL made bad coments about me as well. SIL asked about OM's reaction ... SIL is a facilitator, as well as W's IC.

I mailed ILs a letter, exposing PA, and my desire to work on M. Two days later, I confronted W. She demanded to know my source of info, and I will not give it to her. She was forced to admit PA. SHe was confrontational, self righteous, and refused to NC. She would not tell me what she saw in her future. I pointed out that OM would be near 70 at HS graduation if they had children. she tried to blame A on me, but I had nothing of that suggestion, owning only to my past failures prior to her poor decision. I avoided LB's, and validated her concerns when possible. We talked for a while, but it became unproductive. She apologized for hurting me, but I know for fact that she intended to hurt me in some ways. She wished ill of me, wishing me not to get a job I was interviewing for.

The next morning, after my initial confrontation , I was not going to speak to W at all. She apologized for hurting me. I said, "then stop". I am having a hard time remembering what exactly was said, but essentially I told her that I was praying for her to see her mistake, and that by realizing that mistake she could begin to live a good life again, respectful of other people. I said that didn't mean remaining married, because I'm not sure I want that anymore. There were times when she showed a bit of a remorseful look, but the majority of the time, her arms were crossed, her jaw set, and her lips were tight. She seemed so self righteous.

I told her I mailed her parents the letter. She called me an SOB, repeatedly. I said I was sorry she felt that way. I paraphrased a bit of the letter for her. She was PO'd, and claimed that she was going to tell her mother today anyway (sour grapes) Essentially my letter stated that I felt she was being manipulated by OM, and he wass coaching her statements and actions. That he had designs on W for years, and that "I am committed to resolving those issues that C found problematic in our relationship. I am also committed to upholding my marriage vows. While I realize that those vows were not spoken in a church, they were still made before God. I will be ready to work on our relationship, and to save our marriage if possible, as soon as W ceases contact with OM. " I told them that I loved and deply respected them both, and that I considered myself blessed for having been a part of the family.

W packed a bag and said she was staying at SILs house that night. I told her that it was completely unnecessary to lie at that point, and to tell me where she was going. She said that she understood the difficulty I had in beleiving her, but that she was truly staying at SIL's. That was last night. I still have not heard from her.

I am basically going nuts, and would be too far gone for rescue if it weren't for Gimble's help. I am struggling to occupy every second with any mundane thing to avoid the poisonous words that keep rattling around in my head, the sloppy sounds I wish I never heard. I am trying to pull it together, but to hear her say that she wished I wouldn't get the job, but then says to my face, good luck. To hear her refer to my marriage saving attempts as pathetic, and that she mocked my appearance with SIL (facilitator) and that she mocked me about my medical condition. These things are not easy to overlook.

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't know how much of what I thought we had was really a lie.