I am three days away from the end of my 6-months in plan A. I am emotionally exhausted.

While my WW has been spending the past 6 months getting over the OM (younger, Single Male, 3 year relationship and I had no idea - discovered the affair by accident on my own), I have spend the last 6-months falling out of love with her. I have built up so much resentment and anger over the past month or so...I have tried so hard over the past 6-months to win her love...although we are still together she still shows me no affection and will not initiate contact with me. She says she loves me and wants very much to be together. She asks for my understanding and patience. She says that I have been wonderful and amazingly understanding and supportive. She says she needs "time". She has not contacted the OM for the past 3-months (or so she has said - I have already caught her in "decietful behavior" twice).

I have changed jobs to spend more time with her and my family. I have tried so hard to win her love. The problem is I DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE. I have four young children and I am can't bear the thought of putting them through the pain of a divorce.

Do I file for divorce or just separate? I can't believe that 6-months ago I was begging - literally with tears in my eyes - for my wife to stay and work things out. I would have done and did do anything for her.

She has never committed to not seeing the OM. She still has their pictures, cards, and letters... but she says she is committed to our relationship.

Our counselor says there is no more that he can do for us - it is now up to us.

I still tell my wife that I love her - at least twice a day and with passion. I hate myself for lying. However, I have been trying to get to the 6-month point.

I can't continue this charade much longer. I am dying inside. I had contemplated suicide several times early on- yeah, I know - what a selfish coward. But I am over that and ready to move on. I just don't know what is the next step. I am a Christian. I know that God allows for divorce in one situation and one situation only -infidelity. But that still doesn't make it right, does it? Haven't I had a commitment for life?

I am so confused and frustrated. Any advice would be appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by IamSLICC:
<strong> I am three days away from the end of my 6-months in plan A. I am emotionally exhausted.

I have spend the last 6-months falling out of love with her. I have built up so much resentment and anger over the past month or so...I have tried so hard over the past 6-months to win her love...The problem is I DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE. I have four young children and I am can't bear the thought of putting them through the pain of a divorce.

Do I file for divorce or just separate? I am so confused and frustrated. Any advice would be appreciated. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I try hard not to make comments on "Plan A" or "PLan B" and that stuff, I feel I will here. YOur post is very emotionally laden and I can feel the pain in your words. Your "Plan A" should have ENDED long ago. When you make comments like "I am emotionally exhausted"and "I have tried so hard over the past 6-months to win her love...The problem is I DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE", it is time to REMOVE yourslef from your Wife's life. The LONGER you stay in your current situation, the HIGHER the chance you have for DIVORCE. YOu need to IMMEDIATELY begin formulating a plan to go into PLan B or whatever, but FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL WELL BEING AND FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR MARRIAGE, you need to SEPARATE from this.

I will not give you marriage advice, but I will tell you that you are in a serious "persona" danger zone that you need to do somethign about NOW.

I am very sorry for your pain. I wish there was somehitng that I could say to make it better.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Iam,

LM is right, you should have stopped plan A while you still had love left and gone to plan B. Now plan B is meant to protect your love until the affair ends. According to you the A has ended, so I am not sure that is a good strategy.

There are some very important principles on this site that you MUST strongly consider. The first one is the concept of "radical honesty". You should have been honest with your W all along. You cannot resent her for things you have not told her. So it is time to fess up about your feelings. Now here is the catch. Don't LB her while you do this. Be clear, concise, and respectful when you express your current feelings about things.

The other principle that should be brought to bare is The policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. Harley claims people ought to even POJA a divorce. The point here is that you need to have HONEST discussion with your W, and brainstorm ideas about what to do next.

You don't want a divorce primarily because of your children, BUT you also feel deeply betrayed and a lot of resentment. Very normal. Permit me to offer you a quote for your consideration.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Given your feelings lately this quote is very very appropriate. Don't take ANY poison "Iam" because it will NOT solve any problems.

There is another saying I am very fond of and it is </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best revenge is a life well lived.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The goal is to get you to the point that your life is "well lived" whether it is with your W or not.

So please express to me what you resent so much and what is driving it. You see like anger resentment is sort of a secondary emotion driven by: fear, pain, frustration, etc. Can you identify the drivers, not the actions we know it was your W's A and her behavior. That is a given. But let's focus on what YOU feel is driving this.

This is very important for several reasons. It will change your perspective AND it will allow the POJA process to be focused on real things.

I am guessing that your W does not want the marriage to end either. I am certain she really has no idea how deeply she has hurt you. In the process of the POJA it will become obvious. If you feel your self-esteem is shot express that. If you feel totally disrespected express that.

Any recovery will have to entail addressing this things. Some of them you will have to handle but others she can help you with. She will need help from you. I know right now you have no inclination to do that, but give it a bit of time.

The point here is that divorce is something you two should agree upon or it should be delayed for awhile.

I will tell you that withdrawal takes awhile and I will offer a thread you should read. It will give you some insight into what your W might be thinking and doing right now. Please notice the time line. I will also offer that I have met SKM and her H and they are doing well and now have a son. So these things can be worked out, but it takes time. I realize you are running on empty and she needs to help get you through this. So click on this bookmark SKM's Chronicles

I hope I have helped a bit.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your time and advice. You are right. I have not been honest with my W about the deterioration of my feelings toward her. I have prayed that it was just a "phase" and I would get through it.

You asked what it is that I resent about my WW. When she was having the A, I knew something was wrong in our marriage. For two years I put my heart and soul in our marriage using "What Every Women Desires" as my guide and I was seeing a marriage counselor (on my own - my WW refused to go). I thought the entire time the issue was with me. We went over 18 months without being intimate during this time. Our course part of the issue was with me but I worked hard to improve my behavior (I worked to much and took her for granted among other things) and rededicated myself to her. Then came D-day. Then I begged her to break it off and stay. Now for the past 6-months I have continued to pour my heart and soul in our relationship.

During the past 6-months she continues to find time to see friends over lunch, finds time to rearrange her schedule for board meetings (she is very active in the community) but it is very difficult for her to find time to have dinner out with me. In 6-months (over 2 years actually)I have arranged every night out together to the point of finding a sitter. She makes absolutely no effort to spend time with me. None. Zero. Nada. She knows my frustration but her comeback is that "I don't understand her time demands" or that for the first 15 years of our marriage she had to facilitate dates now it is my turn.

She shows me no affection. She will not initiate a touch or a kiss. Although I write her affectionate cards and letters and bring her flowers there is nothing from her. She normally does not even respond to my emails. She says that she doesn't have the time. Although I know that frequently sends personal emails to friends. Valentine's Day - a gift, card and dinner from me - nothing from her. Yes, we have talked about her lack of affection. She says she can't fake it. It is just going to take her time.

She won't talk about her feelings our the A or the OM. I have asked that at some point we talk about it - I have many questions. She says that she is not ready. She says that it upsets her that I won't just let go. She says that if I truly forgive her I then I shouldn't ask. Our counselor supports her on that. I tell her forgiving is one thing, understanding or forgetting is another. She says that she does not want to feel vulnerable - that's why she won't discuss her feelings.

Been through counseling. It was terrible. Counselor says that her A was "private" and I should respect that. He said that I am being too controlling and that is what pushed her away in the first place (my wife met the OM on a "girl's night out. OM was a co-worker of her divorced best friend who she is still very close too).

We spent most of our time in counseling understanding my behaviors that led to her affair. Yeah, right. Now that I know what I need to do to make the marriage successful, he said we don't need counseling anymore. My wife is extremely attractive and also a therapist. I think she played him and he was smitten by her.

As far as sex - if initiate it is normally okay. We are sexualy intimate about once every three weeks. I would prefer two to three times a week. She says "here we go again - it's all about sex". Counselor said that I needed to learn to be intimate without sex. Again, I loose. When we do have sex she is completely passive. She says she understands my need but she has lost her drive. I resent that she had no problem with her sex drive when it came to the OM. I am embarassed and feel as though I am taking advantage of her. When we have sex. Thus, I have stopped initiating sex. It has now been over a month. Since I know that I know longer love my wife it wouldn't be right anyways.

Okay, I am long winded. In a nutshell - I resent feeling like I am the only one working on our marriage for 2 1/2 years when she was the one who had a long time affair.

I'll disagree with LM and JL on this one.

Plan B was not available to you in that you had no physical separation and you do not have the option of separating yourself with four kids that need you.

You got trapped by the circumstances and I feel your anguish. I don't think you have much choice but to persevere for your family.

Note: I probably have a higher degree of need for self sacrifice from a BS for a marriage with children because I know what it feels like to lose a child and see the pain in a surviving child due to the additional loss of a family unit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by IamSLICC:
<strong>Our counselor says there is no more that he can do for us - it is now up to us.

Counselor says that her A was "private" and I should respect that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, proof again that half of the so called counselors out there are below average. Before throwing in the towel, give Steve Harley a call. He will not give up on you and he will not spew that crap.

Your alternative is to leave the family, try Plan B, and lose at least half your time with your kids - maybe forever. You will not get your wife to leave to make it easier. You will be seen as the one to abandon the family.

I really understand your plight. I was in a loveless marriage for many years. Your description of your efforts gives me flashbacks. All I'm asking is for you to take a long look at your kids and imagine them gone. Which is worse - that, or more of your time with a real counselor?

Iam,

You appear to be holding on so tight, I can see your hand bulging with it's lockgrip as you attempt to make your WW love and respect you. Truly it is a time for Love Must Be Tough

http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/gro...amp;sssct=Other%20Things%20to%20Consider

Also, if possible, try to get your wife some distance from her "best friend". She( most probably a hated filled, bitter and marriage hating manipulator) is a poison that your M can not survive.

Best of luck. Your children deserve so much more from both of you.

Well hello SLICC,

It has been a long time since you posted last.I thought I remembered posting to you way back when.

I am sorry things aren't going so well.I wish you had checked in with us more often.It's understandable how you were losing your love for you WW being in Plan A so long.I do think Dr.Harley needs to revise these time frames but that's JMO.I was not in Plan A long myself as I felt I was rapidly losing love for my WH too in my beginning.

I agree with WAT,you should CAN the other counselor ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> grrr)and see about talking to Steve.

You said you caught your WW in "deceitful behavior" twice.Does that mean you caught her in contact with the OM or something else?

O

My wife had spoken to the OM on the phone and I found out on my own. She had previously said that she would let me know if there was any contact. She did not deny it when I confronted her. This was approximately 3 months ago and suppossedly her last contact.

She also said that she met the OM at a night club when I asked how they initially met. Partially true. I later found out that the OM was a co-worker of her best friend (previously divorced) and a friend of her best friends now second husband (fiance at the time). Her best friend and fiance arranged the "get together". She didn't think that I "needed to know the details", only that they first met at a night club.

I have a montitoring software on the computer that has allowed me to see what is accessed on the computer - this allows me snapshots of her personal email. We installed the software because of our kids. I know it is wrong but when you have been betrayed for so long you do crazy things. That is how I pieced together the above information.

When she asked how I knew about the above details I was honest and let her know that I had viewed some of her emails. Yes, she was upset.

I also have my own private email. However, she has ALWAYS had access to my email. I gave her my log-on and password from day one. Okay - now I'm trying to justify my poor behavior.

My WW and I had a "good" dinner out last night. The intent was talk about our feelings and where we were in our relationship. For the first time we really talked. I know she senses that I am struggling. She still wants to work through this and says she loves me. I didn't tell her that I thought I no longer loved her but she senses the lost passion. She agreed to see another counselor.

I have prayed for direction. Last night my youngest daughter (six years old) crawled into bed with us, mumbled incoherently, said she loved me and fell asleep curled up next to me. I know it was a sign. I've got to hang in there. If not for love, then for my four young kids (6,8,10, and 11).

Thanks for all of the support and advise.

Dear Iam,

Like the others, I too can feel how much pain is in your post, I am so sorry that you are going through this <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> but are glad you are reaching out.

I am five months into the second DD, the first was a year prior (same OW). I also have spyware on our two computers and monitor phone bills. From 9/03 to 10/04, my husband lied and said he had NC, even when there was proof. I suspect that your WW is somehow still in contact with the OM as what describe as her actions and words sound all too familiar to me. That being said, is the OM single or married? If he is married, have you contacted his W?

I too, have stayed in the marriage for my children's sake, for more than one A. I have many examples of families torn apart by divorce where it only seems as though one of the parents, or both gained from the divorce, but the children suffered. Not to say that no one should get divorced, but for me it is the absolute last option. I have heard all the arguments about if your happy than the kids will be happy and they will survive, kids are resiliant, etc.. But, there are less people out there supporting those in a marriage with problems to stay and try to work through them. It takes a lot of maturity to face what you have done, that is looking at how you contributed to not having the best marriage. I'm sure it's been said before, but you need to accept that the A is not your fault, your W made the bad decision. And this has consequences, which she needs to face. I too struggle with getting information from my H. We have just recently made a weekly effort to answer some of my questions. My H had asked me to write them down and send them to him via e-mail in advance so that he can think about the answers. At first I was reluctant as I thought more time gives him time to come up with more lies. However, I decided I am the one who wants the information, he has, so I can get it for me to heal? So, I did as he suggested. This was only about 3-4 weeks ago. We have had 3 discussions and getting ready for the 4th. At most, he has provided one sentence answers. Half the time the answer is "I don't know" or "I don't remember". I said to him last week that those answers weren't acceptable and they wouldn't provide me with closure. If in fact he doesn't remember, than he needs to share with me some other facts, perhaps something I haven't asked about before. Maybe this would work for you too. I think it is a long road to recovery and I too get impatient.

Hearing what you are going through helps me to have strength and courage. Good Luck to you!

Iam,

Have you thought about simply telling your W, that you are LOST. That the strength that has sustained you through two years of trying is failing and you don't know where to turn for strength or help.

Iam, sometimes the simplest statements reflect the deepest things. You talked to her last night about feelings and the marriage. Aren't my statements above a more "accurate" description of YOUR feelings? If so tell her these things. She just might hear them.

You cannot go on indefinitely without some encouragement, without help, without some deposits being put in YOUR bank. It is time she knew that you are NOT strong any longer. You need help.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

^bump^

Hope you will stay with now SLICC.Keep us posted.

O