Hi all.

i havent been posting for awhile because ive been busy with our family's move and all that contains. My problem is that even though my H said all the words i wanted him to say and followed thru with his actions im just not happy with him anymore. I look at him and think "i hate you. If you really loved me you wouldnt have done what you did to me and our dd." I feel like i cant forgive him. How can one forgive what she cannot comprehend? I sit here in this beautiful house and think, maybe i should leave. I dont know, any advice anyone? BTW, H has been perfectly lovely to me, somethings just wrong with me and i dont know what it is.

I don't have any advice, but I can understand your feelings, you've been working so hard to get your marriage back on track, and now that you're not concentrating on *winning* him back, you're feelings are starting to come through. I don't think you hate him. I think what you're feeling is normal.

I know that tons of other people who have been there/ are there can help you better than I, but I just wanted to let you know that someone out there was reading your post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Thanks Caren. I am sick as a dog right now, and H just called to make sure im alright and to see if i wanted him to bring me some soup. Now i feel bad for thinking I hate him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Shelly,

Anger kicks in , even in successful recoveries after around a half year or so. Pep can illiuminate.

After all we spent most of that time avoiding LBs etc.

I would be in this myself but for my dear MIL dying any time soon. We have other stuff to concentrate on.

Affairs aren't usually about a lack of love for spouses. They're about a lack of love for themselves.

Read up hon. It will make you feel better.

THIS is a great article by Frank Pittman that helped remind me the fact of affairs.

Keep being strong shelly. Don't throw away what you've worked so hard to retain.

And you and I, we're still EARLY in recovery. Not even half way through the AVERAGE recovery time on 2 years.

Its just a predictable down dip on the rollercoaster.

Rejoice in the love of your H.

{{{shelly}}}

Thanks for the read BP. But after reading it I still wonder why should i sacrifice any more of my life and risk more agony and unhappiness? for what? BP, I came so close to just ending it all, I dont ever want to go thru it again and I wont.

Shelly

I can't know the details of your situation of course.

But right now you are married and unhappy but hopeful of recovery.

You are proposing that you becoem divorced and unhappy , hopeless of recovery.

There are no guarantees that anyone else you meet will not have an affair and devastate you again. In the 'wrong' circumstances almost anyone can have an affair it seems.

if you truly, intelligently want to quit, that is you rlegal and Godly right so to do.

But don;t hold back, play mean , or try to use your contribution to recover as a punishment for your FWH.

Squid has only * just* started to get NEAR the level of contributing to recovery that I really need. But it will take time.

ALl blessings as you make this decision.

{{{{shelly}}}

Shelly-

That is completely understandable (Not wanting to ever go through it again), it's the most awful experience I've ever had in my life...I think it's probably worse than when a loved one dies...yes you grief stricken, but then you can eventually come to grips with it...it's not smacking you in the face daily.

This is my WH's 2nd affair, we got through the 1st one fairly unscathed, but never fixed the problem....we just buried it....well those feeling won't stay buried forever....I think if I'd have known about marriage builders then it would have helped greatly.

We are trying to work it out.....but he is VERY depressed, and angry at me a lot of the time. He knows he loves me....but it's a bloody battle when the Spouse extricates him/herself from the WS.

I know I Have a long road ahead of me, and I know it's not gonna be pretty....so in the near future you and I should have plenty to talk about.

If you'd like to e-mail me sometime my addy is: the_pieces_of_my_broken_heart@yahoo.com (Sappy address isn't it...LOL)

-Caren

Hey all. Sorry I had to leave without responding to you Caren or BP, my cold got the better of me. I feel slightly more alive today, LOL!

As for my sitch i feel better about it this afternoon. My H brought me soup and talked baby talk to me, which im ashamed to admit i love (giggle). I just feel like giving up every so often, I feel like how can we ever recover? so much pain, betrayal and lies. I feel like im climbing a mountain and its too high, I want to give up. But then i go to sleep and wake up with my second wind, ready to climb again. does anyone else ever feel this way?

Hey all. Sorry I had to leave without responding to you Caren or BP, my cold got the better of me. I feel slightly more alive today, LOL!

As for my sitch i feel better about it this afternoon. My H brought me soup and talked baby talk to me, which im ashamed to admit i love (giggle). I just feel like giving up every so often, I feel like how can we ever recover? so much pain, betrayal and lies. I feel like im climbing a mountain and its too high, I want to give up. But then i go to sleep and wake up with my second wind, ready to climb again. does anyone else ever feel this way?

I am going through repairing my marriage due to my Husband having an affair. I felt like you do and still at times will look at him and think that.
IMO, you are still in the beginning phase of accepting this. I don't know how to tell someone to actually go about feeling this way...but I had to come to a point that I truley forgave him. That took time and for me to understand what lead up to the affair, asking myself what would I have done if in the same shoes...etc..
I also had to ask and answer: Do I want this to work. If so How do I start the process of healing this wound. In order to heal, you must get rid of the infection (anger, resentment, hate, hurt, confusion, etc.. All DESERVED feelings that you have a right too and are normal). After you get rid of what is causing the wound, you have to 1. find out how to prevent it from getting re-infected. 2. Get the right medicine for it to begin healing. This may be by therapy, praying, both. You will never be happy whether you stay or leave if this wound is left open.. You will have to let go of the anger and accept what has happened. Harboring these feelings will only hurt you in the long run..causing you to be bitter and not trust others. He will have to earn your trust back. It is hard, but you have to forgive. I spent alot of time asking Why to many things in my life with feelings of hurt and anger while the world moved on and I still stayed in the same place. It only hurt me in the long run and the question Why was never answered.
Once you find the right medicine to heal this open wound. You will start changing the bandages each day while it slowly heals up. Cleaning the wound will sometimes hurt as it heals. Little by little, it gets smaller and hurts less. Eventually, it closes up. It may leave a scar. You will look and see it, never forgetting it, but it has closed and you have moved on without hurting at the present. When you look and see the scar, you may remember the pain, but through time and a different view of how, what, why, maybe's.. if will not hurt anymore.
Wounds sting when healing. Hopefully, you have a caregiver who is truley trying to help and be by your side while you are healing. They must understand this process and have patience. Even though it sounds silly, they will also need reassurance to make them feel like you are healing and trying to make it work. Talking to each other and not at each other, knowing the other person is really trying to forgive and move on. If you tell someone that you want to move on, then they think you are. So I quess you need to establish where you are in this "open wound" process. Did you just get the wound? Is it starting to heal or is it getting worse due to ongoing infection and pain? Have or are you doing anything that may have made your body susseptible to getting an open wound.
Sorry for such a long and odd response.
jenny
Hoping for peace and a sunny day while living at the coast. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

No, I dont think it was odd Jenny. I think its starting to heal but we have to talk more. I guess its me , not just him that just wants to forget it ever happened, I dont like or want to bring it up, and he sure doesnt want to talk about ti either.

Off topic, it must be nice on the coast! Im freezing in chicago and sick as all heck too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Shelly,

9 mo after dday, 7mo after finding OW... I'd say you are right on track. Seems the ANGER sets in some 6 months or so after dday. I guess the initial shock and scramble for recovery has worn off. I see it over and over and over on MB.

Sorry, I think you are normal.

Hang in there. IF he's really doing everything right, it will be worth it to you to work through and past the anger. Now if he's NOT doing well by you, your anger SHOULD fire you up to change this situation. Only you know. Please take care - Dru

thanks Dru. I just get frustrated, I dont want to start screaming at my H and ruin all the progress we've made, but at the same time ,I cant help the way I feel. I just need to find some constructive way to deal with my feelings.

duplicate post.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: shelly_3 ]</small>

While I believe that there is no excuse for an A I do believe that a WS that truly repents and makes changes to save the marriage deserves complete forgiveness.

I am different then some here because as the BS I freely admit that if I was put in the same situation as my FWW I would of cheated. In fact after reading many of the posts here about what constitutes cheating, I believe I have cheated...even though my FWW doesn't think so. Also I have been an awfull husband...for many years before my FWW even thought about having an A. I was mean, lazy and mentally abusive.

But here is what we descovered....we are both human and we have been given this chance to fix our marriage. She has done extensive changes to fix things I had a problem with and so have I.

Once I became humble, I saw my wife beyond the A. I was able to truly forgive and at that moment I saw this person I wanted to spend my life with.

Yes Hemidart, I see your point about forgiving. My problem is that I just dont know how to truley do that. Maybe if I could just understand his thoughts, his feelings, during the A maybe then i could forgive?He thinks I have forgiven him for everything.

Shelly, I'm over 2 yrs post d-day. I NOW work on a 'what's best for me' approach to my M. If my FWH wouldn't put me first then I will put me first. Just think about what is best for you and do what is best for you. It helps deal with the hateful feelings - gives your staying with him some point.

an

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anyname:
<strong> Shelly, I'm over 2 yrs post d-day. I NOW work on a 'what's best for me' approach to my M. If my FWH wouldn't put me first then I will put me first. Just think about what is best for you and do what is best for you. It helps deal with the hateful feelings - gives your staying with him some point.

an </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shelly,

I am gonna add to what Anyname has posted to you and say that what you need is closure. Real closure. Recovery is something both the WS and BS need t/d. Recovery puts more work on the Xws because changing from an Xws to spouse is harder than BS to spouse.

However, the BS' taker cries out after the recovery starts. You are at the ripe time for this. R U 2 counseling with anyone? W/b good if u 2 could talk with Steve.

Even if you are in recovery, you still need a plan for each of you and together. You 2 must find what you each personally need to bring some closure. It won't go away but it will help you cope in your recovery.

How long will you feel this way? Up to you. I can tell you we are in recovery but not a day goes by that I don't think about this mess and I used to let it get me mad. When those days do happen (not as frequent anymore), I turn to H and ask for his help. We have a system where he knows when I am hurting. He also knows what I need to work through it and he does the best he can to help me get through it. It is a painful reminder to him of the damage he caused. His once very strong and capable wife now has episodes where she (I) break down (of sorts) and my self-confidence is smashed. It is sad to see one who used t/b sooo confident question her ability to survive. This is one of the casualities of the A that has scareed me personally. It is an inner demon both H and I must help me conquer. It is also what is tying us closer together to help me heal and in return helping him heal. Oh there were better ways for me to have learned life's lesson but I was determined to make lemonade out of the bitter batch of lemons thrown on my doorstep. We threw out the rotten ones (A related stuff and some flawed character issues) but then took the challenges left and just keep squeezing the life out of them 'till all that was left was the juice. Now together we are still doing some squeezing (adjusting on our R) and sweetening up that juice to something palatable for us and to benefit others around us.

As for the closure thingy, for me it was going to the ocean. The ocean always had a calming effect on me and I felt I could just throw my anxieties out there and leave it there. There is a scripture which encourages us to throw our burdens on God and he will sustain us. I found comfort and real help in application of that scripture also.

take care,
L.

this sounds exactly like what I am going through. I am new to this board and I am so glad that I found all of you. I felt so alone and angry. It's been 3 months since I found out about my husband having an A. I am so sad. I hope I can find it in my heart to forgive H.

Jenny, what you wrote brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you all for your replies, Orchid, you know I value your opinion, you helped me thru a very dark day and I wont forget it. Closure! Exactly! I never really got any kind of real closure, I mean what? A letter being mailed? How do I know ow even bothered to read it? I dont know what I can do to get some kind of closure, maybe its wrong of me but i cant help wishing to find out ow knows about everything, that SHES devastated, that SHE cries herself to sleep everynight and has thoughts of suicide. Before people come in and start telling me ow has nothing to do with your and your H's relationship I already know that. But that is how I feel. I wish her nothing but the worst in life, and hope karma comes back to bite her in the a$$ like she deserves.