</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong>
Of course it is the affair that causes the damage. But is doesn't mean all family members should be "damaged" by the affair. It doesn't involve mom/dad anymore than if you were to tell mom/dad over coffee the next morning details of your explicit sex the night before with spouse. SOME things in relationships/family are private and should remain as such for the well being of all involved...ALL involved. Parents DO NOT want to know this, nor do they need to. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course they want to know if some tragedy happens to their child; parents want to help their child when he/she is in trouble. That is what family is for. Sexual contact is entirely different from an affair. An affair is a major tragedy, sexual relations are not. Affairs should never be private. They effect many folks outside of the marriage.

In most cases there are very sound reasons for telling parents, ie: it puts pressure on the affair to end and they can give the betrayed spouse much support.

So no, they should not remain "private." The dirty secrets of the WS should not be hidden, they should be exposed.

That is a tried and true Marriage Builders principle that you simply can't argue against.

Afterall
"I just didn't want everyone we knew looking at my H as a CHEATER for the rest of his life. I felt that I would forgive him long, long before anyone else would."

Thank you for saying it in that way...that is my point. My mother told me not long after I was married...to this effect...I want you to know you can always talk to me, but if you and "him" have marriage problems...fights, whatever, etc...I dont want you to come running to me and tell me...because you will forgive and forget real soon...but I as your mother will never forget, because first and foremost I am your mother and love you so. In my mother saying that to me, I already knew there had been/were major problems in my parents marriage...but my mother knew it wasn't my business...but MORE importantly...it wasn't my pain or burden to carry...it was hers. Nor were problems in my marriage my mothers burden to carry.

afterall, exposure to the family may not have been necessary in your case in order to end the affair. No one is saying it should be done in each and every case. But it should be done where it is needed. It is often necessary to end the affair. And having to face family members is simply a by-product of having an affair. A WS should never be protected from the consequences of an affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I then went to IC, who agreed, saying that exposure to friends/family was only revenge, and served no useful purpose.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And Dr Harley, a very successful MC, would very much disagree with your IC that it "serves no useful purpose." We see otherwise on this forum every day. Nor is the purpose for "revenge," but for facilitating the end of the affair. It is very bad advice to counsel someone to hide an adulterous affair.

MelodyLane

I still disagree...parents should not be involved in this aspect of their childrens life, nor should children involve their parents. It is WAY more harmful than any good that can come out of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> Nor were problems in my marriage my mothers burden to carry. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">M&S, this sounds like more wishful thinking of a remorseless WS who does not want to be outed.

Of course a mother and a father would want to know when thier child is in a traumatic situation. An affair and/or divorce can be as painful as the death of a child.

An affair is the greatest betrayal a spouse can experience, and to expect the victim of an affair to NOT have his own family for support in such a terrible time is terribly short sighted and unrealistic.

Folks call on their family and friends in their darkest hours, that is what they are for.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> MelodyLane

I still disagree...parents should not be involved in this aspect of their childrens life, nor should children involve their parents. It is WAY more harmful than any good that can come out of it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it is not harmful. Affairs are harmful. Folks need their parents for support when they are in trouble. I really question any so-called "parent" who doesn't care enough to be involved when their child is in trouble. I wouldn't call them very good parents.

MelodyLane

We are not talking about hiding an affair, we are talking about the detriments it has on "telling all" to family members. The affair isn't/wasn't between parents, but between a husband and a wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> MelodyLane

We are not talking about hiding an affair, we are talking about the detriments it has on "telling all" to family members. The affair isn't/wasn't between parents, but between a husband and a wife. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">M&S, not telling the family is hiding the affair. Hiding the affair for the WS is the worst thing you can do, which is why Harley does not advocate it. Exposure can often serve to bring the affair to an end, which is best for the marriage.

The affair very much effects other family members, nor is there no reason to not tell them.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MelodyLane

I take GREAT offense in what you said about wondering what kind of parents wouldnt care. I had/have the best parents and role models a child could EVER hope for. You TOTALLY misunderstood what was being said. Your sig says in recovery and doing great....you still seem bitter to me.

MelodyLane

The affair only effects other family members if they are privy to the info...and yes there are a heck of a lot of reasons not to tell them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> MelodyLane

I take GREAT offense in what you said about wondering what kind of parents wouldnt care. I had/have the best parents and role models a child could EVER hope for. You TOTALLY misunderstood what was being said. Your sig says in recovery and doing great....you still seem bitter to me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">M&S, I understood you perfectly.

I don't know how you would characterize parents who didn't care about their own child's troubles, but I would certainly not characterize them as "caring" parents. Far from it. Imagine not caring to hear from your child during one of the most traumatic, heartbreaking times in thier lives.

I really can't imagine that you believe for a minute that a parent should not be told when their child is utterly heartbroken, that sounds like the voice of someone who has much to hide.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> MelodyLane

The affair only effects other family members if they are privy to the info...and yes there are a heck of a lot of reasons not to tell them. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are rarely any good reasons to not tell them. The reasons usually revolve around the WS' desire to avoid the consequences of an affair. Which isn't a valid reason at all.

Sure, sometimes it is not necessary to tell family members, if the affair is ended. However, if the affair continues, it is always a good idea to expose to the family because it hastens the end of the affair. Plus, the BS needs the support of the family in times of trouble.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> Nor were problems in my marriage my mothers burden to carry. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">M&S, this sounds like more wishful thinking of a remorseless WS who does not want to be outed.

Of course a mother and a father would want to know when thier child is in a traumatic situation. An affair and/or divorce can be as painful as the death of a child.

An affair is the greatest betrayal a spouse can experience, and to expect the victim of an affair to NOT have his own family for support in such a terrible time is terribly short sighted and unrealistic.

Folks call on their family and friends in their darkest hours, that is what they are for. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off..I already posted...I first was the cheated on spouse.

Outed?...no I would never have to worry about that, and that is not at all what my posts are about.

Yes, parents are there for support...and mine are the greatest. But to go whining to them...."he cheated on me" waaa waaa.....thats my problem, not theirs. And as in posted earlier....I will forgive and forget...parents arent the same. He may have cheated, but I respected him enough to know if I told all to family, that it would in no way help our marriage.

Havent read up on M&S but sounnds like a wandering spouse.

Dont know what to tell you, but all I know is I exposed the A to all as advocated here on this site and guess what? FWH's bubble was burst and he told me it was instrumental to him pulling his head out of his a$$ and seeing what he was doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong>
Yes, parents are there for support...and mine are the greatest. But to go whining to them...."he cheated on me" waaa waaa.....thats my problem, not theirs. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You make affairs sound no more painful than getting a stumped toe. Interesting perspective; one normally only heard from a selfish, self centered, callous WS. Perhaps you don't have a good perspective on the effect of affairs on your victim? I don't think you get it, M&S.

Moon:

GROAN!

I've posted this many times here, but never 2 you. Affairees have less real knowledge of the distinction between secrecy and privacy and, sadly BSs dealing with an active A all 2 often waste time placating the WS when they could be learning something useful themselves.

So here it is again:

"The Difference Between Secret And Private:

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.


The Difference Between Truth and Honesty:

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> MelodyLane

I take GREAT offense in what you said about wondering what kind of parents wouldnt care. I had/have the best parents and role models a child could EVER hope for. You TOTALLY misunderstood what was being said. Your sig says in recovery and doing great....you still seem bitter to me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">M&S, I understood you perfectly.

I don't know how you would characterize parents who didn't care about their own child's troubles, but I would certainly not characterize them as "caring" parents. Far from it. Imagine not caring to hear from your child during one of the most traumatic, heartbreaking times in thier lives.

I really can't imagine that you believe for a minute that a parent should not be told when their child is utterly heartbroken, that sounds like the voice of someone who has much to hide. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are taking this out of context. And now it seems you are saying my parents dont care. You are so out in left field on this, and just lashing out at me...because you read my post of being a WS. You hate it and me....so you are bashing me. Guess what sister?...like I said...I was the one cheated on first....for a long time. So go ahead...chew my butt out...I can take it...I have. Hate me all you want....but in the end you still don't know me and what I have gone through.

As far as my parents....you dont know them and cant say if they dont care about what is going on in my life....I could tell you a story about that...but....heck....you have your mind already made up about me and my family.

M&S, I think it would be very tragic indeed if you did not feel free to go to your family for support at one of the most heartbreaking and tragic times of your life. How very very sad and cruel. Only the most uncaring, cruel parents would tell their child not to bother then in a time of need.

I just hope you take a lesson from that and show your own children more support. A parent is always a parent and marriage does not mean they stop being parents.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> M&S, I think it would be very tragic indeed if you did not feel free to go to your family for support at one of the most heartbreaking and tragic times of your life. How very very sad and cruel. Only the most uncaring, cruel parents would tell their child not to bother then in a time of need.

I just hope you take a lesson from that and show your own children more support. A parent is always a parent and marriage does not mean they stop being parents. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh geeze....you still aren't getting it. My mother never said to not bother her.

Over a year ago, when my A ended, talking to my mom on the phone, she knew, by the sound of my voice and the very little I told her...she said ...oh honey do you want to talk?...I am here for you, you know that. I told her I would if and when I could.

DO NOT even think of posting to me again and referring to my parents as not caring!!!!!!!!!

Moon,

Is there some other reason why you feel you cannot go to your parents for support? I kinda felt that way when my H was having his A. It was embarrassing for me to admit that my marriage was in trouble and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my mom never being what i would call motherly. But she surprised me. She actually backed me up as she never has done before. And when my H and I entered recovery, I asked her to please accept my decision to give my marriage and everything I worked so hard for another shot and she surprised me again by doing just that! You never know what will happen until you try, you know what I mean? The methods of this site are tried and true Moon. Ive seen success after success. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />