</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong>Oh geeze....you still aren't getting it. My mother never said to not bother her.

Over a year ago, when my A ended, talking to my mom on the phone, she knew, by the sound of my voice and the very little I told her...she said ...oh honey do you want to talk?...I am here for you, you know that. I told her I would if and when I could.

DO NOT even think of posting to me again and referring to my parents as not caring!!!!!!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, M&S, but I calls em as I sees em. Any parent who tells her child "don't come running to me if you have marriage problems" [YOUR words]doesn't get the Parent of the Year award, in my book. If you can't come to your parent in the most traumatic, heartbreaking time of your life, then when CAN you go to them? Sorry, but that is cruel and unsupportive, in my opinion.

Yep, and I'm one of 'em.

M&S, there are LOADS of FWS's on this board.

We often help other FWS cos we've been there, done that but the most important thing of all is that we're in recovered marriages, and we GET IT. And by get it, I mean we married our spouses for very good reasons and when we're out of the fog, we remember those reasons.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> Moon,

Is there some other reason why you feel you cannot go to your parents for support? I kinda felt that way when my H was having his A. It was embarrassing for me to admit that my marriage was in trouble and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my mom never being what i would call motherly. But she surprised me. She actually backed me up as she never has done before. And when my H and I entered recovery, I asked her to please accept my decision to give my marriage and everything I worked so hard for another shot and she surprised me again by doing just that! You never know what will happen until you try, you know what I mean? The methods of this site are tried and true Moon. Ive seen success after success. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Shelly,

Thanks for your reply and input.

When my husband was having his affair, there was more to it than just the affair...but maybe thats why there was an affair...and I truly think so. Most of my family knew what some of his problems were....and that was embarrasing enough....but as they say..it is a disease.

I can and could go to my parents if I wanted...at this stage in my marriage....26 yrs. Both my parents have been witness to my husband and his behaviours.....and since my husband (and I) worked for my dad for 14 yrs....I do know my dad knows (but never said) that my husband was unfaithful to me way back when.

Unlike the other poster on here talking about my parents......mine ARE THE BEST...and I know if I felt I wanted or needed to talk to them I could. But sometimes shame keeps you hidden.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong>

Unlike the other poster on here talking about my parents......mine ARE THE BEST...and I know if I felt I wanted or needed to talk to them I could. But sometimes shame keeps you hidden. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But surely you wouldn't expect your own spouse to not go to his own parents at his greatest time of need; during your affair? When he most needed support and help? Or would you accuse him of "whining?"

Wouldn't you agree that his need for support supercedes your shame? Or should he sacrifice the support and comfort of his family to accommodate your shame?

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Or did his parents also say "don't come running to me" if you have marital problems?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ.:
<strong> Yep, and I'm one of 'em.

M&S, there are LOADS of FWS's on this board.

We often help other FWS cos we've been there, done that but the most important thing of all is that we're in recovered marriages, and we GET IT. And by get it, I mean we married our spouses for very good reasons and when we're out of the fog, we remember those reasons.

Jen </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahh geeze...I am new...what does FWS mean?

Yes, my husband and I are trying to recover. The reason I came to this site. But geeze, what a surprize, when you mention you were the OW.....you get bashed and told you were reported to the mod's.

Ahhhh, I understand now. Shame for what you perceive as failure either on your part or your H's. I guess thats how i felt ashamed of how i had defended this man for years and to have things happen like they did with his A. But in my sitch I had no choice but to go to my mom, his family, anyone to help me, because I was so down in the dumps and acting so insane over everything I needed help and I had to swallow my pride, admit that myself, my H and my marriage was not perfect, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done but in hindsite Im glad I did it. You'll know whats the right decision for you, but please I urge you to read up on some of the other posters who have exposed and see how it turned out. I was sceptical at first myself, I have great pride, but as I said before I could no longer cope alone. Good luck M&S.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong>

Yes, my husband and I are trying to recover. The reason I came to this site. But geeze, what a surprize, when you mention you were the OW.....you get bashed and told you were reported to the mod's. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A FWS is a FORMER WAYWARD spouse, one who is recovered. Jen gets it.

Now don't play the victim, M&S, it is not "bashing" to disagree with you. No one disagreed with you because you are an OW, but over the issue of exposure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

M&S, FWS means former wandering spouse.

You wouldn't believe how many of us are on this board, getting support and acceptance.

But all of us came here looking for ways to rebuild our marriages.

You also wouldn't believe the fog that some of us were in.

The most important thing of all was that we wanted to recover our marriages. Nearly everyone has suceeded and it's a wonderful thing.

Jen

MoonandStars,
A reminder of of the introduction to the Marriage Builders Discussion Forum---

Before participating in the forum, please follow these guidelines:

If you are having difficulty resolving a marital conflict, first read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts .
If you have a question after reading the Basic Concepts , look over the Summary of Q&A Columns to see if your question has already been asked.
If your question has not been asked in any of the Q&A Columns, or if it was not answered to your satisfaction, then we encourage you to post your question on this Marriage Buildersï¾® Forum.
This forum is open to not only those who have questions, but also to those with comments or suggestions. We recommend that all participants of the discussion forum be familiar with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.
-----------------------------------

The advice given to this poster, Squiggle, (who, incidently, hasn't posted since page two of HIS thread) is completely within the Marriage Builders Concepts. Please read ALL sections of this site.

If you would like to discuss YOUR issues, please start your own thread. You are clearly NOT helping this poster.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> Ahhhh, I understand now. Shame for what you perceive as failure either on your part or your H's. I guess thats how i felt ashamed of how i had defended this man for years and to have things happen like they did with his A. But in my sitch I had no choice but to go to my mom, his family, anyone to help me, because I was so down in the dumps and acting so insane over everything I needed help and I had to swallow my pride, admit that myself, my H and my marriage was not perfect, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done but in hindsite Im glad I did it. You'll know whats the right decision for you, but please I urge you to read up on some of the other posters who have exposed and see how it turned out. I was sceptical at first myself, I have great pride, but as I said before I could no longer cope alone. Good luck M&S. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you Shelly for your reply...but exposure is not an issue with my husband and I...everything is out in the open and has been for quite some time. I have nothing to hide at this point as MelodyLane seems to think.

I am happy for you that talking to your mom made a difference and helped you.

The shame I referred to was not only his affairs....but more so his disease. Covering up for that for years is probably harder for me...actually I know it has been. The toll of that is which I wish no one would have to go through.

I wish you the best.

sweetie if its not too personal, may I ask what disease you keep referring to?

Shelly

Alcohol

Oh. I understand now. This will be my last post on this thread cause the mods said to start your own thread as none of this is helping Squiggles. Goodnight. Although I kinda wonder why your hiding his alcoholism? But i have absolutely no experience in that area, so will leave it to Mb'ers who do. wish you well.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Justuss:
<strong> MoonandStars,
A reminder of of the introduction to the Marriage Builders Discussion Forum---

Before participating in the forum, please follow these guidelines:

If you are having difficulty resolving a marital conflict, first read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts .
If you have a question after reading the Basic Concepts , look over the Summary of Q&A Columns to see if your question has already been asked.
If your question has not been asked in any of the Q&A Columns, or if it was not answered to your satisfaction, then we encourage you to post your question on this Marriage Buildersï¾® Forum.
This forum is open to not only those who have questions, but also to those with comments or suggestions. We recommend that all participants of the discussion forum be familiar with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.
-----------------------------------

The advice given to this poster, Squiggle, (who, incidently, hasn't posted since page two of HIS thread) is completely within the Marriage Builders Concepts. Please read ALL sections of this site.

If you would like to discuss YOUR issues, please start your own thread. You are clearly NOT helping this poster. </strong>[/QUO

Moderator..Justuss....respectfully asking...but has MelodyLane's replies been helpful?...the replies she has made to my posts?

Thank you, Justuss. When I first saw how many posts were on this thread, I thought "Wow! Lot's of help here!" It's too bad that my thread had to be hijacked like this.

Anyway, it has at least been educational to see the reaction of a WW -- I'm now at least convinced enough to expose the A to my own WW's parents and two best friends. I honestly am very worried about humiliating her, as that is not my intention. My intention is to put pressure on her affair and give our marriage the chance it deserves.

I won't tell her work, as I still can't convince myself that it is necessary.

As for the OM, I do need to communicate with him to let him know how much I love my wife and that I will fight for our marriage. I'm still not sure I can handle seeing him face-to-face without it getting ugly, so maybe a letter or e-mail will be possible.

Squiggle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Justuss:

The advice given to this poster, Squiggle, (who, incidently, hasn't posted since page two of HIS thread) is completely within the Marriage Builders Concepts. Please read ALL sections of this site.

If you would like to discuss YOUR issues, please start your own thread. You are clearly NOT helping this poster. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 01:19 AM: Message edited by: Squiggle ]</small>

Hey Squiggle - I wouldn't worry about 'humilliating' your W... her actions have done that, not your exposure. I would be very careful with what friends you tell... might want to just stick with family first, then see how she responds. If that does the trick, then you won't have to inform any of yours or her friends...

Also, I wouldn't bother wasting any time or effort with the OM... He's already shown that he's willing to try and steal your W away from you, so why in the world would you even begin to trust anything that comes out of his mouth?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong>
Yes, parents are there for support...and mine are the greatest. But to go whining to them...."he cheated on me" waaa waaa.....thats my problem, not theirs. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You make affairs sound no more painful than getting a stumped toe. Interesting perspective; one normally only heard from a selfish, self centered, callous WS. Perhaps you don't have a good perspective on the effect of affairs on your victim? I don't think you get it, M&S. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know? Once again, as I said you don't know me or what I have been through. Painfull?...you have no idea of the heartache I have gone through because of my husband's affairs. You just assumed because of my post of being a WA, that I was the only one in this marriage that had done wrong. Break out the word assume....thats what you did.

I am sorry if this post offends moderators and the concept of Marriage Builders (which I do belive in).....but if I had gone to my husband's boss or whoever I thought I needed to, when I wanted to "expose" him, he would have been fired, or at the least demoted to such a lowly payscale we couldn't have exsited on that pay. Tell me how that would have been worth it to two teenagers and myself, for my satisfaction of exposing him? I didn't need to confront his boss and risk our income. I put a voice activated recorder under the seats of his vehicle...that is all the confrontation he needed and I!!!

M&S, just what will it take to get you to leave this man alone? He is here to learn Marriage Builders principles, not the rantings of a remorseless, self interested wayward spouse. He is going through enough with having to endure your very inappropriate hijack of his thread.


Hasn't he been through enough without having to defend himself from a wayward spouse who comes here to attack Marriage Builders?