CC:

I think you can trust your instincts. It's obvious that all is not well with them. I wish I could eavesdrop on those dinners with your daughters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He probably tries to soak up all the information that he can about you. At the minimum, there is some reminiscing going on in their discussions.

We'll continue to WATCH AND WAIT.....

I´m back and back to watch and wait.... That´s plan B after all.
Had a very long and tiring but exciting workday the consequences of which will be seen on monday.

Will chat with dds this weekend, and see how they are doing, if they tell me. Mostly they don´t say much about WH to protect me I think.

so we watch and wait

Our other MANTRA:

PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS!!

PUSH!

CC:

I am concerned that I have not heard from you. How are you? What's been happening in your world?

Hi Mimi,
sorry I didn´t catch the message earlier but I have been lurking only a little and on workdays I barely get to check MB early in the morning and then in the evening when I get home. So far being so busy is great!!!!!
But I have been having some mixed feelings, due to several things I guess: 1. Dr. Harley´s mails, 2. I started reading Lovebusters 3. it was MIL´s birthday and 4. WH is seeing and calling dds very very often.
About Dr. Harley and lovebusters, I got to thinking and I´ve come to the conclusion that I barely have a taker and WH barely has a giver which is probably why our marriage seemed so ideal and lasted so long. Of course, in hindsight it wasn´t really that good and I now know that I must work on my taker and never ever accept that kind of relationship again. I haven´t really been the GODDESS type have I? But now thanks to all you guys I really feel I deserve more.
I don´t regret anything. Being a giver is not necessarily bad in my opinion but these kind of situations are bound to happen, obviously so it´s not the best for marriage. WH never blamed me for anything, on the contrary the little he said (´cause he purposely said he couldn´t talk about his situation) was that I was not to blame, that it all had to do with him and that he didn´t want to hurt me. that´s what was so disconcerting. But now I understand because I´ve always known him to be very very selfish and he does suffer from "dishonesty", he always has, although I believe that he could not lie to me. But he regularly lied to his family, my family and everyone else. So those are important issues to consider if there is ever any chance of recovery.

Still haven´t seen or talked to him, although I was forced to write him a note about some unpaid bill which he hasn´t answered.

Otherwise he´s being surprisingly attentive to dds. Saturday was MIL´s birthday and he arranged with dds to go in to the "party". Guess he was willing to meet me if I had decided to go because there is no reason why I shouldn´t but I had already decided not to. I don´t particularly like MIL so I had already told dds that I wouldn´t. They stayed late, and he did the usual rounds taking MIL´s friends home. then on sunday he came after lunch to take dd driving in his car because mine is broken and she has just gotten her license.
Today he picked another dd up at 7:30 am to go for a routine medical checkup and then tonight he called them to arrange dinner for tomorrow. All this is quite a change, so something is going on, but I don´t know what.

Anyway, I´m off to another city tomorrow again, with my bosses and have no idea at what time I´ll be back.

Watch and wait, that´s where I am.

Patience isn´t my strongest trait but I´m doing fine so far. I´m managing to wait and see what happens. Although I don´t agree with Dr.Harley about waiting 2 years, specially considering that I do not practice any lovebusters, but WH has most of them. It sounds selfrighteous (sp?) but I have read about relationships and studying human nature is one of my hobbies so I had resolved most of the things Dr. Harley calls lovebusters without really realizing it. I always told WH everything about myself, my work, my friends, my plans, always included him in every major decision, listened to him patiently, etc. But he did not behave the same way. Thing is he was always too sure of me. He even admitted he could absolutely trust me and he knew that I was his best friend. But still, the addiction was too strong for him to break the ties with OW and although he apparently still denies her existance to the outside world, he chose to leave rather than give her up.

Maybe he´s starting to regret it.

Maybe not. He is very stubborn too.

So I´m now into evaluating our relationship according to Dr. Harley´s book, trying to figure out my boundaries and trying to be more caring of myself.

I´m also very busy at work which is great although not always pleasant. I have some 30 people working for me and I need to get them to work! That is not a nice job because they are on the defensive because I am new, all the bosses are new and we actually expect them to work on top of all other changes!

Anyway, these are the first few months and hopefully they will settle down soon and we can concentrate on the important stuff.

I´m very glad for Georgia and his beautiful new house!
I´m also worried about Dyinghere who has disappeared, again.
I don´t read new posters because I can´t stand all that pain at this moment-hopefully someday I can help them but now there is not much I can offer.

That´s my update. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW, this sunday I actually pryaed for WH AND OW !!!!!

Hi CC:

Glad to see you are continuing to survive. Wow, your new job sounds demanding! Great for you.

So, if I may ask, what ENs do you think the OW is meeting for your WH?

Is your WH any different than he was when you first fell in love with him or do you feel you have gained a greater understanding of the man he is?

You might ask yourself why you fell in love with a man like him? That is saying something about you.....

Truth is I don´t think he is any different than when we fell in love. I do understand him, I know he has strong family values, but I also know he is emotionally incapable of showing his feelings. I think all this has to do with the combination of MLC and a determined predator OW, don´t forget she has publicly expressed that she wanted an old man with money and she has been working on him on purpose for years!

I don´t know why I married him. People talk about love, and I´ve tried to find out what that is. I have, I´ve read, and read and analized different situations and compared...
In my case I guess what I call love is the feeling that I belong with him, I feel he´s really my other half. It has always been that way.
Although he´s very selfish he has never ever been abusive to me or the girls.

I don´t know what the OW does for him. I guess she screams and shouts at him and gives him orders and he likes it. Maybe she reminds him of his mom.

or he´s like powerless to stop her, and once they took the first step there was no going back without consequences so he didn´t know how to stop it.

Really OW is worthless. I´m still amazed how naive and trusting I am with people, but I prefer that than WH´s attitude of considering everyone suspicious until mabe they prove otherwise.

Anyway, I have to leave now, will be back tonight

BTW, he´s taking dds out to dinner tonight and sent me a message thru one of them: says he paid the bill and will be writing me a letter today which I have to read carefully...
wonder what all that is about????
anyway, we´ll found out tonight.

IMHO he is trying to cut some ground with you. Making so that you will be more acceptable or even anxious for what he w/b sending. It still is a manipulative but subtle tactic used by WS'.

Even if you are anxious, don't show it. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

L.

Here it is, CC.

I can hardly wait to learn the contents of that letter.


It may be time for the ROAD MAP.

Hi cc -

I'll be looking forward to hearing too.

Georgia

Hi guys.
I got home at 10 pm after a 16 hour workday! Dds were out to dinner with WH.
The letter was all about the unpaid bill, how sorry he was about it, how it wasn´t really his fault, with proof that he had paid it. This is really a big change in attitude for WH.
First, he had never taken care of bills, and now he knows all about them and sent me a copy! of the paid bill. Wonder if OW is doing all this record keeping.
In WH´s family, they are never to blame for anything. So another interesting thing is that although this time it may be true that he is not to blame, he bothered to prove it. Before he would just have declared that it wasn´t his fault.
Lastly, he sent me a check to get my car fixed.

Orchid, I won´t get excited. Tomorrow I´ll send him an e mail with one word: thank you. I had envisioned all sorts of possible messages in the letter I was supposed to read carefully, from a request for divorce to his not paying the food account anymore. So this was actually a pleasant surprise.

What it means to me is that he´s getting over his anger at my plan B. And I find it this very good. whatever happens...
have to go will chaeck later

CC!!

I am yelling!!

STAY DARK! STAY DARK!

I hope that you have not sent him a thank-you note for doing what he is supposed to do.

What he has done is to just give you a crumb anyways!

He is cracking! He is throwing out some crumbs to "make nice". He is checking to see if you are still there for him. Let him wonder. Let him suffer in his life with her.

I hope you don't send that E-Mail.

You would E-Mail him about this and not about allowing the OW to take a class with your daughter? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ok Mimi, I will stay dark and not send the e mail. I´ll let him find out by himself about fixing the car, he´ll ask dds.

But I am an educated person and I always say thank you, that´s what I wanted to do. Be myself.
BTW it´s his birthday on the 11th. Can I send an e mail saying happy birthday? I´ve no plans to buy present, afterall I´ve given him one for years and he never bought me one until this year. Anyway, mother´s day is this sunday so I get to see what he does about that... another occasion he has never honored.

Am at work now, and so far it is quiet but in a couple of hours I´m off on another field trip! So I´ll miss my bijouterie class today... pity, I had a whole lot of things prepared.

CC:

I certainly agree with the importance of showing gratitude.

However, you are not in just LIVING MY LIFE mode.

You are IN A BATTLE to save your marriage. Right?
I'm helping you with STRATEGY.

He is about to crack. Your every move here is going to be important. Use your smarts now for this. A laissez-faire, I will be me attitude is not recommended here. You are using the MB SYSTEM. Right?

PLAN B. PLAN B. STAY DARK!! No BIRTHDAY CARD. NOTHING! Particularly now. He is feeling the pain of his A. Let him suffer.

If you recall, I wanted to break down at this point, too. MM encouraged me to STAY DARK. I am passing this recommendation on to you. Each time you respond will only prolong the A. He is trying to get you to respond to him in order to save him. He knows how to get to you because he is your H!! He is doing this through your daughters and probably by something you got from his letter. That's why he said to read it carefully.

DARK! DARK! DARK! Let him get even more desperate. You need more than crumbs before responding to him.

Let's wait for his next step.....

Ok Mimi. I will follow MB principles and stay absolutely dark. Tomorrow I will have the car fixed, and not even say thank you.
And now Ithink of it, you are right about his birthday. If I don´t say anything it will get him thinking that I may really not care anymore.... About time he realize that having an affair can make your wife angry, right?

Last night I was remembering that in his family tere is a story about an aunt who divorced and married another guy, but her ex husband would go to lunch every sunday. Then the 2nd husband died and the wife remarried the 1st one. This story is always repeated whenever the subject of divorce comes up. I think WH seriously thought that he could live his A and come visiting whenever he wanted and enjoy my cooking etc. So he must have really been pissed when he read my letter.

He´s still calling dds all the time. I mean all the time... it´s really weird and he´s pissing them off.

Today the dog was sick. he was in pain this morning, poor thing. One of dds took him to the vet but he´s still in pain tonight. I feel so sorry for him. We´ve started him on medication and I´ll let him sleep inside tonight.
One problem with such a big dog is that I can´t carry him... so if he´s not better tomorrow I don´t know how I´ll get him to the vet again.

Anyway, I´m only just answering because I was on another field trip, and just got back. I have to write the preliminary report now. I´m really enjoying this part of the job! And I feel so important! It´s actually funny....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm happy that you are back on track!

WATCH AND WAIT!

Just read your PTSD thread. A long long time ago I had a teacher who once told me that we people are like mosaics made of millions of little pieces which were our experiences in life and it was that combination of experiences which made us unique. I´ve always felt that certain experiences leave permanent scars and you just have to accept that they are there. Maybe I first realized that when I had my gallbladder taken out and I got a huge scar. I was 19 years old.

I have quite a few emotional scars and I view them as I do my "gallbladder scar", something that will always be with me. They are all a part of me. One little tile in that huge mosaic which make me unique.

Hi cc -

I'm glad you're getting good advice from Mimi.

Sorry to hear your dog is under the weather, as a fellow dog lover I know how devastating that can be. Is it anything serious?

Pass along get-well wishes from Jeb.

Sounds like you're doing great in your new job, I'm glad you're finding fulfillment there.

Georgia