Yes all this is a bit confusing...

I believe WH would financially support his daughters, so far he has and has been very generous. Remember when he found out my car had broken he sent me money and the following time he sent me the message to send him the bill... So I'm sure he would but he needs to control us thru money, that's why he told me he would pay all credit cards but took away my access to our joint account and he sends me some cash each month.

Everyone in WH's family believes that people can be bought. that's the way they behave, buying friendships, family, support, etc
I never liked that and mentioned it to WH many times. I pointed it out to him hundreds of times, like when his brothers or his mother called it was always because they wanted money. Otherwise they wouldn't call.
Now he's trying to control us thru money. What I have done is not spent a cent with credit cards except for groceries and gas. In that way he doesn't know what I do. Not that I do anything...


I could not support our present life standard, no way.

I'm not actually being paid my real salary yet and I have no idea when I will be nor exactly how much it will be.

I understand the concept of giving him the idea that I'm moving on and selling the house would be a good move, but selling it won't be easy and finding something acceptable won't be either. Also, I'd have to talk to WH about how much of the sale I could use to buy something else.

Legally I should get half of the proceeds but although that would be fine if I were alone, it's not enough (and not fair) if dds are with me.

Just thinking of having a discussion about this with WH terrifies me.

I have to prepare some paper work for a 2nd job I'm being pressured to go for by colleagues, but when that is over I may contact a real estate agent and see how much I would get for it. Then I'll start looking for something else and see what happens.

Let's take it slowly, I seem to have plenty of time and I really need to be able to not get so emotional about all this.

A couple of weird things that have happened to me with all this. I have suffered from psoriasis for many many years. It started on my right elbow, extended to the left one and about 10 years ago, when I started a very stressful job, extended to my knuckles. Sometimes its better and sometimes it's bad and bleeds etc. Since all this started it has disappeared! completely. I barely have any trace of it. Isn't that strange?
the other strange thing is that my ring finger still has the mark of my wedding ring even though I took it off last october. I keep thinking that it's a sign that the marriage isn't over... but that's just me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

update. Might as well report here, since I really don´t keep anyone else updated except my journal.

My friend who works for WH called. I had refrained from calling her because I don´t want to be the one asking for info. She´s the only one who can tell me anything. She says that WH is drinking on the job! That he admitted to her over the phone that he drinks in the afternoons, and that day he was drunk!
I never let him drink much and he was always grateful that I didn´t because he realized that he might become an alcoholic, so I guess it´s not really surprising although it is unfortunate. I guess he can´t be too happy. I can´t stand drunks.

Everything is still secret.

I´m so glad I´m in plan B. The less I know about WH, OW and all the people involved in their dirty secret the better. It really is a brilliant solution.

Dds have changed the shape of my car this week, unfortunately, so I don´t think I´ll lend it to them anymore.

Otherwise, everything is as usual. I´m keeping busy... that´s the main thing.

BTW if anyone is interested, in these last 2 weeks I read Dr. Dobson´s book and Divorce Busting and wasn´t much impressed with either. Maybe it´s the stage I´m in, 5 months of plan B and 7 months from d day.

CC:

This is a sad and unfortunate development.

THE GOOD NEWS? Can we call this GOOD?

He is moving downwards towards hitting his BOTTOM.

I agree with you Mimi. The good thing is that maybe at some fog free moment he will remember how I kept him from becoming an alcoholic years ago. He has always freely admitted that I helped him with that.
I hate alcoholism, don't really know why. It has been said my father was an alcoholic but he died when I was 12 and I have no memories of him drunk or violent or anything, only fond memories. Who knows.

If this new development is true, it is sad but logical that he should be turning to alcohol to solve his problems. Unfortunate. I've just read Dani's thread and re-convinced myself that all I can do to help WH is continue being a better me and praying.

CC:

I've been thinking about you.

Now that it seems that your WH is on this downward spiral, how are you protecting yourself financially? He is obviously self-destructive and OW may have access to his finances.

I'm not understanding why you aren't getting a salary for your job.

What if he stops or no longer can support you and the girls?

Wow, cc...that is some news. It is sad that WH is drinking. My friend that I've been seeing at church went through that with his D years ago. Now he is volunteering with a support group at church for alcoholics/drug addicts and their families.

I really think you're at risk financially as it seems that WH may be unrealiable. I don't know about the laws of your country, but I would be really carefully waiting to see if you WH is going to continue to support you. I don't know what options you may have, but I would take this very seriously.

It's nice to hear from you again.

Georgia

Thanks guys for your answers. I am also worried about financial aspects sometimes but I am not going to be the one to start the "financial war". So far he has done nothing to harm us in that sense, on the contrary, he has accepted paying everything without questioning, so I can't complain. But I am very alert.
I have already been told by a lawyer that no judge here would make him pay all the bills, so legally I should expect a much worse situation. That's why I don't want to go that way, at least until I'm forced to. In spite of my apparent "passivity" in this matter I am keeping all bank statements that are from a joint account we have abroad and have hidden the statements from the account we used to have in case I have to prove assets before a judge.

He's taken the girls to dinner tonight. I'll be waiting and watching.

As for why I'm not being paid yet, Mimi, that's third world country for you. Let's hope I'll have a surprise in a few days.
I have never considered money that important. I have had enough and not enough and it wasn't a major issue for me. If things should end up in divorce, I'm sure WH would take care of his girls and I can manage with very little. Anyway, that's one the things that don't seem that important to me although I don't deny that I'm sometimes frustrated because I don't have the possibility of buying something I should be able to, but I always remind myself how lucky I am. Not everyone is this lucky.

So I will be responsable for waiting on the financial stuff for now.
Haven't had time to read Georgia's thread and I have work to do!!!!!

See how luck I am that I'm so busy....
more tomorrow i hope!

OK, CC. I understand now.

Good to hear from you.

that was quick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I thought the post had got lost and was going to re post it!
BTW I was busy today because I spent 2 hours at the hairdressers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

That's a long time at the hairdressers! What type of style did you get?

Actually I didn´t style it. I´m letting it grow. I had it colored. It´s a very good hair salon.

Good Morning, cc -

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here following your story. I know that things are different in your country and I may have a hard time understanding some of the issues you have to face.

Sounds like you're guarding yourself on the financial issues. I think it may be universal that WS's sooner or later try to exert their "authority" in one way or another, and sometimes it is by controlling / witholding financial support.

Glad you enjoy your job so much. Perhaps sometime you can share more with us about what you do. I suspect you are making a difference in the lives of many people.

Georgia

FGG,

WH is exerting his control from the beginning by controlling all the money he can but so far he has been generous, not denying us anything. He gave dds credit cards and tells them to buy clothes etc.
He gives me a "cash " allowance but expects me to use credit cards so he can see what I spend on. Only problem for him is that I don't spend except for groceries and gas. He must be wondering what I'm doing...
Yesterday he told dds he's decided to buy the VW bug for them, so I won't have to do that.

So I am keeping an eye open but I don't want to be the one who starts the financial issue between us because there is no reason to. It is obvious that he has spent money on OW (I'd rather not know about that) but it is his money and he does not deny he is in an affair, at least to me.

I prefer keeping my plan B and his respect.

thanks for your support.

BTW I think you did ok with WW. At some point you HAVE to talk to them. Otherwise how would you find out if they are ready to give up the A or how can they find out if you are still willing to consider the marriage?
This is something that is not clearly explained by Dr. Harley. I don't remember cases here where the BS explains how they managed that first contact... Recently Caren passed from plan B to recovery but I couldn't tell how it happened... That's what I mean.

Anyway have to work now

Hi CC:

Why do you call your H's money, his money? Since you are married, isn't it also your money? Would he have been able to gain his reputation and status without your assistance?

I was coached by Steve Harley in having brief contact with my FWH towards the end of PLAN B. We discussed this on the forum as a modified PLAN B during which FWH was negotiating with me regarding reconciliation, trying to find his way back home. Steve encouraged me to KISS. KEEP IT SIMPLE. "Get rid of the OW"; "NC Letter", etc.

My concern was the length of Georgia's conversation with his wife, 2hrs. Too much cake....

I must concede that Mimi is right. I could've gotten all the information I needed in 30 seconds or less.

My version of Mimi's SF....2 hours of conversation was unnecessary and counterproductive.

Georgia

Mimi, I, ME, think that it's OUR money, of course. But he has always had a problem with that in the sense that when things are good, it's ours and when they are not, it's him who "has had to work" so that we have what we have. Don't forget that I believe that there is a lot of MLC involved for WH, and one of the things that they think is that they've been working too much and now want to have fun etc..
The way I see it, WH has always been able to ONLY work at what he likes and the way he likes because I was the one who took the kids to school and picked them up and did the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc etc etc.
I'm not complaining about that because I knew from the beginning that he would expect that. It's the way he was brought up, remember, latin country, third world etc. I never wanted to be a SAHM nor did he want me to be. It was hard but I seem to have done pretty well.

Anyway, I still don't see a reason to begin discussing money issues when they AREN't an issue - for the moment. Eventually, if I give up on the marriage and really decide to divorce I guess plan B would be over and I would discuss these issues. Again, he makes that money and he'spaying ALL the bills, every single one and he doesn't complain at all, not one word.

I think he is looking for me to ask for money or spend money with the credit card so he can say something to me. I'm not going to play that game. I don't need him, I choose him, but I will not be bought.
OW is obviously selling herself, she even said in front of another colleague that she wanted an older man with lots of money and that's what she thinks WH is.

Anyway, I'll remember you warned me.

Georgia, I agree that 2 hours was too long, but a few minutes are necessary at this stage to let your WW know that you are still there for her if she decides to end the A. Otherwise how would she know...Her thinking and perceptions must have changed during all these months. She may need reassurance.

One of the things that have struck me most about WS who repent is their fear of being rejected, which is quite logical. One WS escribed himself as a "wounded animal" who was backed against a wall, terrified of his BS's reaction, when he had decided to go back to the marriage.

It's understandable that when a WS repents and wants to get back, the BS is reluctant to talk about the details. I can imagine they are very personal and emotional moments. It's like a surrender I guess.

Anyway, if you really want to know what my job is, I have no problem telling you but I would have to delete it after a while, so we'll do that sometime when you are on line, maybe tomorrow afternoon, (I'm busy in the morning).

BTW, I'm now reading "After the affair". Woke up this morning at 5 and couldn't get back to sleep. Guess it's getting to me.
Do you know it?

Good Morning, cc -

Fortunately, WW hasn't attempted to contact me any more. I've got to practice up the NC thing in my mind in case she appears again (and she will).

Last night I spent a considerable amount of time getting all of my financial records together. Her attorneys request for discovery included all of my financial records for the past 10 years. Of course, there is a limit to what I do have, but I have a stack of paper at least 3 inches thick that I have to copy and get to my attorney.

If you are just now getting to where you can't sleep, or wake in the middle of the night, you're doing a lot better than I did. I've spent lots of sleepless nights. I've not read AFTER THE AFFAIR.

I am now sleeping good. However, that may well be due to the combination of Lipitor, Norvasc, and Lexapro that I take just before I go to bed.

Georgia

FGG, I have slept fine,I actually enjoy sleeping because it's a relief from all the thinking, but once I wake up, whatever the hour, I can't go back to sleep. I start thinking.
I was doing fine until I started reading this book. I DON'T think you should read it now. I have to finish now that I've started, but it's too sincere and truthful. Brings back too many emotions...

anyway, keeping busy is the main thing

HI cc -

I'm back at work because I've got to get all my financial records wrapped up and to my attorney's office by tomorrow. I need my company copier and a lot of my financial stuff is kept at work.

These days I sleep well, but lots of times I will wake up and have a hard time going back to sleep. I'm much better than I used to be, I'm getting where I can think about things other than my sitch at all times.

I've honestly gone through times when I was concerned about my job because I've had a hard time concentrating on my work at times.

I still don't believe I'm as productive as I've been in the past and still have a hard time concentrating many times.

Georgia