I see your point now Mimi. Maybe Dr. Harley thinks that I'm losing my love for WH. He cannot know me from 3 e mails, I would never expect that. Maybe that's why I was so surprised by his remark that it may be too late.


According to SAA and from what Mortarman has said here, the love you might feel for a WS is actually locked away during plan B and will appear again when there is possibility of recovery. I remember MM explaining that.
I don't think I've lost that love. If I had I would be indifferent, and I'm not, that's pretty obvious.
I don't need another sighting to prove that.

You know that I haven't been angry until now and being angry is a necessary stage so that's probably what I'm going thru now.

Dr. Harley says that while the A is on there is nothing we can do to recover the marriage. So he proposes the BS go to plan B. I have thought what other possibilities there are in this situation and I really don't think there are any better ones. Just go dark and learn what a better marriage should be like. and that's what I'm doing.

I am willing to correct certain siuations like spending more time together, showing more admiration, etc but what I don't see is W correcting anything. Will he be willing? and should I get back with him if he's not willing?

Mimi, as I said before, I don't really understand Dr. Harley's co-dependant thing. I have been a lot of the things that he mentions there. Later I will give you more examples, I don't have time now. So if that kind of behaviour has to change for a successful marriage, I'm willing, but will he be?
From his past behaviour WH has never cared much about what others think. He has always taken me and the family for granted. And plan B hasn't made him change his mind about that yet. Maybe people with that kind of personality never change... and Dr. Harley knows that.


So far nothing has happened which makes me doubt that plan B for a year is the best plan.
Have to go to work now.

LM, I am in your same profession, but I am in an even more analytical and scientific field. Just so you know...

I value all opinions from people on this forum, although I don´t get many posts. So I value Mimi´s opinions, because she has successfully lived thru it and is willing to give me advice on my personal situation. Not many others have bothered to give me advice. So I try to make the best of advice given to others when I think it applies to my sitch.

I have read your opinions and have written a couple of posts to you too.

I´m guilty of having mentioned that in some ways I agree with you when you show your impatience with people willing to put up with anything as long as their WS doesn´t leave...

But I did not put up with those things. Many may think that I did a too short plan A (8 weeks aprox after d day) but Dr. Harley DOES SAY weeks for BW (and months for BH) and he is consistent about that. You can hear him say on the audio that is on the website, it´s in the book, so I actually followed his plan exactly.

and now I am in a dark plan B. I have not talked to WH since december.

What is your opinion? I´m sincerely interested in knowing what you think are possible ways of managing a situation like mine.

Post deleted by mimi1254

Careful Mimi ... this is not good for you to avoid participating in some very uncomfortable and difficult board communication issues ...

I suggest you stay and 'duke it out' in order to practice much needed marriage recovery skills ... how to stand on your own 2 feet when you become emotional ... this is a very cool skill to have in your pocket for your own personal recovery...

just a suggestion

Pep

Mimi, are you leaving my thread?

Nobody but you and Georgia post to me regularly....

No. I'm not leaving.

Good. I'm busy at work but will write later

Mimi, when Georgia gets back he's going to be surprised with all this activity!!!!

I miss his good mornings!

Anyway, today the 3rd dd told me she was pissed with WH because he doesn't want to buy them a car which I have proposed. Apparently she mentioned my car had ANOTHER problem he said that he would prefer to buy me a new one and also to send him the bill that he would pay to get it fixed.
Seems he's not that angry with me anymore.

On the other hand this upcoming trip has him nervous because dds will be alone for 5 days and with my car! Obviously my family will be watching over them... wonder what WH will do? But I don't really wonder too much.

I'm excited about the trip, haven't travelled for 14 months!
Things at work are suddenly getting better (more acceptance) and I still have the support of my boss and his boss etc. I'm feeling less pressure which is good. Maybe I can really get stuff done now.

Unfortunately I haven't been able to go to my jewelry class for 2 weeks now. I'll have to catch up later.

So here I am, back in a quiet plan B, feeling stronger. I won't think of the futur for a while.

By the way, you say I said MY dds. You mean I should say our? it may be a figure of speach because english is not my only language. On the other hand, it is WH who always makes that kind of distinction. He calls me "your mother" when talking to dds whereas I hate that and always call him daddy, never "your father".
He is having to establish a relationship with them by himself. Strangely enough he's not doing that bad.

not much else for tonight

CC:

I noticed you were around on Georgia's thread.

I apologize for the drama associated with your thread.

I'm working on "MY ISSUES". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Let me continue to hear from you, CC.

I guess you caught with my news on Georgia's thread.

Take Care.

Mimi, don't apologize! it's really not necessary.

I made a little update on Georgia's thread because I'm too lazy to write twice and I loved his analogy, it is very appropriate to my state of mind. I am really feeling that there is nothing I can do about WH and his sitch. I can't help him, straighten out his life, make him a better person, make him happy or anything... I can only make myself a better person and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again, whether in a relationship with WH turned into H (his decision) or someone else. So I'm calm.

I did stay after the reading of the "OW letter" had cake, chatted and a while later left.

My 83 yr old aunt studies literature, my 81 yr old mother started studying computers this year so she can use internet and asked me for a computer. I gave her an old laptop and she's trying to use e mail but still doesn't have the hang of it. It's really admirable what these ladies will do.

Yesterday I went to visit my brother and family at the beach about 1 1/2 hours away with my niece visiting from USA my mother and one dd. We had a good time in spite of the rainy weather, did some tourist stuff too.

This going out of the city is something I never used to do because I'm terrified of driving. That was always WH's job because he loves driving, so he must be wondering....

I'm reading Dobson's book but I'm not impressed by it. So Dr. Harley has nothing to worry about, I still believe in his interpretation of A dynamics.

Tomorrow I'll be leaving for a 5 day trip abroad, leaving dds alone for the first time. There has to be a first time someday, so we'll see how it works out.

I'm feeling confident and strong and on track. Still in a great plan B! Although a great plan B doesn't allow me to post any interesting things...

the ship is sailing...

CC:

This sounds great.



I'm glad for you !

hope it's for real, the way I feel I mean. but only time will tell. At least I'll be away from all this for nearly a week.

This is REALLY how you feel today! That's what is important TODAY!

I've found it to be really helpful to try to focus on the present. Who knows what the future holds?

you are right as usual, Mimi. But it is also important to remember how I felt today tomorrow. I can feel good, if I want to. The difference now is that I have that very clear picture that what WH is doing isn't about me, it has nothing to do with me and I can't do anything about it. So far, there is nothing personal against me either. So what am I worrying about? Of course my plans, my futur is sudenly uncertain and I feel insecure, but now I have before me a clean slate with which I can build a new futur, with or without him, my choice. I will give him 1 year to reconsider his choice of marriage or no marriage and then I will really start building my life without him.

I think I'm on the right track, if not let me know. I can't believe it's only been 6 months...

You're sounding good, cc.

I can truly relate to your mindset and emotions, I think we are experiencing the same things at this point.

Enjoy your trip. I will look forward to your update when you get back.

Georgia

Hi guys!

I kept up with all the stories during the trip, but I don't have much to report on my situation. Guatemala was very nice, I had a good time both with respect to work and with respect to the visit. Met some nice people, got to visit the city of Antigua which is really lovely. Got back yesterday and here I am back at work.

Quite a few triggers on this trip, but I've survived.
DDs managed fine in my absence. No news of WH. Seems he didn't come into the house this time. He still hjas stuff left in his closet.

Mimi, about the house, I wish it were so simple!!!!

First I have some tidying to do before I can show it. Then I will have to get a real estate agency involved.
The problem is that we have mixed feelings about it: it's not that we don't like the house but that with part of WH{s office downstairs we can't dispose of that whole area. Also, for me the main problem is that if I do sell the house, there would have to be lawyers involved and I would have to talk to WH. So what would be my proposal? We stay married but separate the proceeds from the house... and keep on as we are? The way things work here, I'm afraid that once I get lawyers involved divorce is the next step.

Anyway, we'll see. In the meantime I'm still in dark plan B and planning on buying the bug for dds.

Hi CC:

It's great to hear from you. I'm glad you enjoyed your trip!

About the house:

Wouldn't it be great to have a place of your own devoid of any traces of him? Is it possible for you to get a place of your own without selling that house? I don't know how that works legally there.

Hi cc -

Echoing what Mimi said, but to add a little more.

I started out thinking that I didn't really care if WW wanted to keep the house, if she could find a way to afford it. But my attorney cautioned me that my name on the mortgage supersedes any other civil (such as divorce) court orders. In other words, if WW kept the house, I had a court order that said she had to make payments, and then she stopped paying, I would still be held accountable by the mortgage company.

Again, laws vary I'm sure...but be careful.

I really, really dread having to go back to "our" house to clean out the rest of my stuff as well as "divide" the other stuff. I'd just as soon give her everything as to go back there and have all that come crashing down on me. But..I know it is inevitable.

My advice: if you do get lawyers involved, make sure you get the RIGHT one for you. Contrary to popular opinion, they are not all the same. Get one that will do what you want, not what he/she WANTS you to do.

Anyway, welcome back.

22 hours until I'm a homeowner!!!

Georgia

thanks for your answers.

My main problem is being in plan B where you are supposed to behave as though you were getting on with your life but remain married! it's weird. I'm not quite getting it right.

In my case if I were to move, which on one hand would be nice, my dds will be living with me, and that means that WH would control "50%" of their lives (at least I hope he'd be willing to) and would be able to have an opinion. I don't know what the laws say here but I do know they are not at all clear cut as they are in USA.

Maybe I will talk to a lawyer. From what I have found out so far I would lose almost everything. I would completely depend on WH's generosity. That´s why I don't want to rock the boat. Financially I'm completely dependant at this moment, mainly because of the girls. So far WH has been generous and is paying ALL the household bills plus most of the girls expenses.

I think I´ll wait a while longer. Only 5 months have gone by and WH is slow to react so we shouldn't expect him make any moves for a while yet.

But I really don´t understand how to carry out a plan B AND get on with your life as though your marriage doesn't exist anymore.

I'm just asking because it's difficult for me to understand legal matters. I've given up on understanding Georgia's situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You said:



Are you saying that this is GOOD or BAD that your WH would control 50% of their lives? Do you mean that his financial responsibility would decrease? I agree that would be BAD.

What about the salary that you receive from your present job? Is that not enough for YOU to live on? I can't imagine, though, that your WH would not continue to support your Ds.

You said:



CC:

Aren't you doing this by furthering your career and not contacting him? The next step would be moving into a new house. Could you move and not put your present house on the market?

I'm thinking in terms of you taking some sort of major step to evidence "moving on with your life". However, I agree that you do not want to make a move that would definitely promote a divorce.

CONFUSING, I know.....