CC:

I'm concerned about the money issue for you. Any chance you will be able to receive a salary soon?

As you well know, affairs are self-destructive. Financial disaster is typical for WSes....

Ashley, I think that you should set a timeline for your plan B. Because plan B means no dating and 3 years is a long time to be alone specially when you don't have anything to tie you to your WH.

It is also said in most places that I've read hat it takes about 2 years to get over a relationship and be able to get into a new one.

That's among the reasons why I chose 1 year for my plan B.
Doesn't mean I plan to date or have anything of that kind in mind (I still have hopes of recovery) but I need to know that I will have the choice to do so. That's the beauty of the plan.


Mimi, I am a little worried about money issues but I'm keeping an eye on a joint account we have abroad. If he touches that I'll run to a lawyer. In the meantime, I'm OK. I'll manage and hopefully this coming month I'll be getting my new salary which should make things easier.

The truth is that I have more than most people, so I really have to be grateful and not complain.

Today my spy friend called but she doesn't have much news. One sad thing she told me is that OW isn't helping her mother at all financially which seems to be making things difficult for her (not that I care) but that she has also abandoned her godchild. She used to pay a private school for this little girl and also dressed her etc. Now it seems OW does not do any of that anymore. I pity the child who is not to blame, but just goes to show what a "nice" person this OW is.

Anyway, today is a holiday so I had my mother and my SIL with the 2 babies over for tea and a friend dropped in so I had a nice family day.

Hey cc - legally, I have no choice but to wait out the 3 yrs. As in the eyes of the law, we are still H and W. As for dating, I'm playing that by ear. First and foremost, I want to resolve my crucial financial issues. Secondly, I want to concentrate on healing and forgiving... Thirdly, I intend to widen my social circle and meet new people thru my new work/ church/ etc. Then I can think/ talk about dating. I'm not discounting the option if I do happen to meet someone new and interesting. However, dating older men here in the Asian scene is blah. Some still hold a stigma against divorced women. Maybe I shld find a younger man. Maybe I shld go come visit you and check out the scene where you are?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> hee hee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Poor OW's mom. I wonder if these people see the effects they've caused. It's like a nuclear bomb.. it still reverberates in ever-widening concentric circles.

~A

Ashley, I do think you have to concentrate on YOU.

Now is the time to forget WSs. Nothing more we can do about or for them. The ball is in thir court.

I'm a bit far away to visit, but you are welcome anytime! It's like a 24 hour plane tripfrom Asia!

I am definitely concentrating on me.. I have things to resolve, things to do, whether he's here or not. I already know, the danger to this marriage is myself. I have a way of moving on and not clinging to things in the past. Life is short. Time doesn't wait for anyone.

Boy, do I know how long it takes to fly there! Once I flew to USA East Coast, and I was telling myself someone would have to pay me tons of $$$ in order to make that ridiculous long flight ever again! It took me 24 hrs to get there as well.

~A

I'm in way way way south america!

yes I saw you mention that in an old post. I think it's going to take more than 24 hrs for me to get there !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~A

finally something to report!
WH was supposed to go to dinner on friday evening with dds but they cancelled at the last moment because one of dds had a test on saturday so they went to lunch saturday.
When they came back they said that WH was going to the beach house for a week (it is the middle of winter and very cold)! This is very strange. That's where he was carrying out the A taking the OW every weekend before d day. After d day he has practically not gone back there. WTH

Anyway what was more worrying was that he said he would take the dog. Now he hasn't seen or asked to see the dog during the 7 months he has been out of the house, and him being an irresponsible WS, and the dog not being able to tell me what happens, I told dd I didn't agree on him taking the dog.

I also told her why: he has been irresponsible about the dog befoe, leaving him out all night, not feeding him etc but he's dd's dog and she let him go.

Now I'm worried about the dog!

I don't know what this means. Why would he take a week's holiday in the middle of winter?

I coul dtry to check and see whether OW is also "on holidays" but since I'm in plan B maybe I hsouldn't and try not to think about that. Detach?

Last night I went to my aunt's 80 th birthday party at an excellent hotel. The whole family was there and I must admit I did not feel at all uncomfortable. I also had a good time and a great meal.

Today I got together with my brothers and mother for lunch and then went to play cards with aunts and a friends of theirs. These old ladies are interesting because they always have some life stories to tell.

Anyway the day is nearly over and this week I won't have to worry about any sightings or smells!

Been quite a while since I updated but there is nothing real special to tell.
WH is back to being considerate with dds AND me, which is strange since apparently the A is still going strong. OW even wrote out the check for me this month!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Tomorrow is dd3's 17th birthday and WH has bought all the food and drink and will have it sent to the house. He also sent an electrician over because we were having some problems. And was going to pay for him. I wonder what he said to the guy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> See, they are sooo detached they act as if the whole thing were normal. It's very weird.

Today is actually WH's father's birthday, now that I think of it. His father had a great influence not only on him and his brothers but the whole family and lots of friends. I never met him, but he must have been a very special person.

Last weekend I visited one of WH's aunts and her son and W showed up. Everyone was so glad to see me. We did not mention WH or the A, but I actually had a good time. The not so good news is that WH's cousin is getting married in february and I am invited. I'm not going to think about that for the moment.

Anyway, that's how things stand. I can't interpret them. But nothing seems to have changed.

On the other hand I seem to be feeling stronger, but I know that part of that is due to the fact that I haven't seen him at all. Tomorrow MIL will probably come. I haven't seen her or talked to her for nearly 2 months. The last time I got the impression that she was as confused as I about the whole situation, but who knows...

Job is still exciting, I'm doing a course on GIS in the afternoons and keeping busy. But I have still to grieve or mourn my M. I'm not over it. Should I be? I have no idea...

CC:

Glad to hear from you.

It's great that you are continuing to enjoy your job.

Of course you will continue to grieve over your marriage. How could you expect to be over this so soon?

Happy Birthday to your daughter!

Today is my grandmother's birthday. She passed away last year. I will always celebrate this day though. She was an "angel on Earth".....

Take care....

Hi Mimi,

the main point is that I don't feel my M is over but it could be that I'm just avoiding it. That's why I'm not mourning it yet. The problem is then, when will I?

I guess I'm not ready. Sometimes I feel like getting it all over with so I'm glad my plan says I have to wait a year, so I plan what I will do after that which is file for divorce I guess. Maybe that will let me start the real grieving.

It's a tough situation.

CC:

Remember to have as much FUN as you can each day.

ENJOY THE PRESENT...TRY NOT TO THINK SO MUCH ABOUT THE FUTURE..

Trust in the LORD...

cc46, yr situation is almost similar as mine. WH is still MIA, not communicating unless I've asked him about $$$. He hasn't transfered the $ yet for bills. And I am tired of reminding him. So, even I don't really want to, I still have to email him.

He really is becoming more and more detached. It's been 3.5 mths frm D-day and a month of him moving out and nothing's changed either. In fact, it's just that.. {{{ silence }}

I also understand the feeling of just wanting to get it all over and done with.

I've been studying for a series of tests so my brain has been kept busy. Good thing. Now, someone has offered me a potential job, and the tests are for another kind of job.. I wonder if I shld just go for the interview for the potential one.. Hmmm... See.. I'm moving on slowly. LOL

Take care.

~A

Ashley,
it's been nearly 8 months of plan B.

I always knew that it would take WH more than normal people to react but I had hope he might react sometime. Seems to me that he's already settled in his new life....
Yesterday I saw my MIL again. She told us that BIL has a GF who is divorced with 3 children and STBEx SIL has a BF who is 20 years younger than her! Terribly messy situation for their 2 kids who are 9 and 6 years old. I never got on very well with SIL who was originnaly a WS but MIL said that she had phoned me several times, none of which I knew about. So I grabbed the phone and called her.

She was very sympathetic, pointing out several times how horrible this situation must be for me, much worse than hers! Serves as a confirmation for me that my M must really have been good for even somebody so disrespctful of the institution to sympathize with me.

I have nothing in common with her so I just called her to be polite.

Anyway, dds birthday is over. Next family event is Xmas and plan B anniversary (26th dec).

cc -

Do you still plan a one year Plan B, then Plan D?

Georgia

Yes that´s what I PLAN, but until that year is over I really won´t make the decision. I don´t think I have many options, living in this grey zone is not nice.

Will you be financially secure next year?

I really don´t know. To find out what the law is I would have to talk to a lawyer and I think that WH would take that as an aggressive move on my part specially as he is financially providing for us as he promised. From what I have been able to find out from a lawyer friend, the law would not require him to give me much, probably very little. It would depend on what we agree between ourselves mainly, so my lawyer friend does not recommend I take any legal action.

So I will wait for the end of the year of plan B and depending on the situation at that moment I will decide whether to file for divorce and then I will start worrying about finances.

Not much I can do about it now. Might as well keep these conditions while I can.

I understand. That sounds like a very precarious position to be in considering your WH's actions.

Georgia

cc46:

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I don't feel my M is over but it could be that I'm just avoiding it. That's why I'm not mourning it yet. The problem is then, when will I?

I guess I'm not ready. Sometimes I feel like getting it all over with so I'm glad my plan says I have to wait a year, so I plan what I will do after that which is file for divorce I guess. Maybe that will let me start the real grieving.

It's a tough situation.
------------------------------------------------------------

I have the same concerns as you. By not settling the 'financial' aspects of the M or by not proceeding with a D, PLAN B also feels like a 'limbo' period. It lessens the pain by not seeing WS, but by putting off the 'legal' aspect of the end of the M, I feel still very much 'tied' to him, but in the meantime he is making a "new life" for himself with the OW! Like you say: "living in this grey zone is not nice."

I guess, like I told one of my friends who was wondering what I was waiting for to start the D proceedings, thinking I was 'hoping' for a reconciliation or wanting to "avoid" the unavoidable, I found myself telling him that I didn't think a reconciliation was likely but that I was not going to 'rush' the D proceedings because I was focusing on 'healing' myself emotionally before this next 'final' step. But I think deep down I am still hoping for a reconciliation, and won't 'move on' or really grieve the M until the D happens. I think in Plan B the BS is buying time to process the idea of the separation, dealing with the many practical and emotional changes, etc., but the final blow will be the D, and right now I think it will be hard, but necessary. And in your case it sounds like a D may turn out not be to your financial advantage.

I have to admit, part of me would very much like the D to happen, the quicker the better, but that's just because I would hope it would stop the pain and help me move on quicker. But like some of the "wise" here have been telling us, a D does not do that - done too quickly it may be just cause for regrets later on!

Like you, I am OK so long as I don't see WH. But, I guess it would be good to work towards getting to a place where we would be OK even if we see WH. In my case, right now, WH lives in the same neighbourhood. It's practical for the boys, but I worry about running into him, and how would I feel and what would I say! It would feel strange after spending 20 years with someone to all of a sudden feel like strangers, and not have anything to say!

I guess, cc46, it being new territory, a BS needs to be patient with himself/herself to explore it, with some guidance from the 'wise ones' who have been there already.

I am glad that this Board allows us to support each other and feel less alone. I feel it really makes a difference.

I will be thinking of you.