Georgia,

I don't want to get aggressive even if it means I lose financially. It;s not my style. Everyone surrounding WH, including his family and WH himself and most obviously OW believe that money is all that matters, EXCEPT me. And he knows that. I'm not going to change now because I have not come to believe that money is what most matters in this life.

I had plenty as a child, I had very little when I married WH and we barely made it through the month, and we were starting to enjoy it when the emotional tsunami took place.

If I have to start all over again, I will. I don't lack anything now and I'm much better off than a lot of people. I will also eventually be free to work as much as I can and I will obviously take another job if I can. I will make it. It was rather frightening in the beginning but I'm getting over that. And WH has behaved quite decently with us in that sense.

Luna,

I believe plan B is necessary because the natural history of As do require quite a lot of time to go by before you can be sure that the WS will not regret what he has done. So in order to survive that period where you as a BS are still committed to your marriage and hoping that your BS will realize what he is doing, the best option is to detach from the whole thing and wait for the A to die a natural death. 1 year is the shortest period that is recommended from what I have read. Dr. Harley told me to wait 2 years, but didn't really give any explanations for that. From SAA one can deduce that Dr. Harley thinks that in 2 years the A is over and recovery is possible or it is not recoverable. Basically that is what he told me.

I will be in plan B, hoping for recovery for 1 year and the I will review the situation. If things are the same, I may file for divorce in february. But until then I am in plan B which means that I am waiting and hoping. This is the difficult part.

Have you read Cruz's thread? He is a WS who regretted it. He expresses his experience very well.

There are many stories here written by WS who tell you that they needed some time to get over the addiction and realize what they were doing. I want to make sure that I give WH a fair chance of regretting the whole thing. If I file for divorce sooner than 1 year, knowing that the natural history of As does make them go on for a while, and also knowing that WH is stubborn and slow to recognize his feelings, I would always wonder if I hadn't given him the opportunity he needed.

BTW, I feel like a stranger to him, rather he feels like a stranger to ME. It feels like it's happening to someone else.

My dds have adapted well to the situation. But it has taken them a while too. We have now settled into a new routine and are enjoying each other, but it has taken a while.

Patience IS THE NAME OF THE GAME. I hate that, but it's true.

cc46, I can understand that feeling v well. Wonder if that's a consequence of us detaching from the situation??

~A

I'm not sure it's detaching because I can't seem to NOT THINK of WH all the time, but it's a bit frightening to think that I'm trying to "recover" a relationship with a stranger!

I hope that it's like Orchid says: this stranger is the WH and I'm looking for my H. He's still lost.

CC:

He will not be himself until HE has NC with the OW. You are missing your H, the man who was not involved in an A. Your H CAN return after withdrawal from her.

It's my hunch that the A will eventually end.

The question is will YOU still be there.....

Well, she's still around and I don't think she plans to disappear anytime soon. As I explained before she has an "excellent" job, pays really well and includes bed and board and all the extras....

How would he get rid of her? I don't see it happening any time soon, so the question really is will I be around? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

So far I'm OK waiting until january next year. My 1 year plan B ends december 26th but lawyers here are on holidays in january so I have to wait till feb to start anything. At the same time january is my birthday and dds birthday so it is a "special" month.

I'll think about it in february. In the meantime I don't care for the stranger...

cc46 - yep they are still lost. I told WH that my H is lost.

We still have to communicate by email because we are trying to sell off an overseas property investment due to our tight financial state (WH's fault!). I wish I needn't have to do so.. there just isn't a suitable trustworthy intermediary and using a lawyer is way to expensive. Later on, I might just ask my Mom to deal with WH directly re: monthly fin'l support.


You're not alone on this, cc46. I ask myself this question almost every day.

~A

The solution is not for the OW to "disappear". Your WH has to come up with a PLAN to end his R with her. IT IS POSSIBLE! The question is WHEN will this HAPPEN? If he can put a HOLD on his R with you after all of these years, he certainly can END his R with HER.....

Remember that for him, I kicked him out. He never made "any decision". He would always answer, I don't know, or he just didn't answer and would stare at me. Conflict Avoider!

So it would take extraordinary events to make him do something about the R.

Next week there is a party at his school. he has invited dds. He is still pretending that nothing is going on with OW... and she seems to be OK to be "socially" excluded from his life. Sick

CC:

You don't remember a time when he showed that he loved and cared for you? You don't think that your history together matters? You don't think that he at least reminisces about you when he is with your DDs? You see him as that incompetent that he could not work out a PLAN to get rid of her? You think that she is actually more powerful and capable than he is when he puts his mind to something?

I have to think about that. He seems such a different person...

I can remember a time and not too long ago when he was so proud of his family, all of us, me, his dds and even the dog. Heck, last Xmas he was even behaving like the "head of the family" hosting the Xmas party for both our families and friends! It is so sad.

It's just been soooooo long now.

of coz the OW wants to be socially included. That's their goal. I wonder how that's going to work out with MIL though. I'm not quite sure if MIL will side her son in the end even tho' she just abt screamed bloody murder to WH when he revealed that he had moved out of the house.

I too don't know how my WH will be working out a plan to get rid of OW.. he already sure did a paln to get rid of me! {{ wry laugh }}

Guess we just keep moving on one day at a time huh?

~A

Ashely,

my point is that "my OW" doesn't seem to want to be socially included! She doesn't seem to mind not being asked to any events, or even that their whole relationship is still secret!

But yes, we do take it one day at a time... sigh

You mignt be surprised by this idea.

However, I was thinking. Since you did such a short PLAN A, going into PLAN B perhaps prematurely, had you thought of communicating with him some to see what his current thinking is..

This came to mind in thinking about his R with the OW. He is keeping her as a MISTRESS, not wanting to legitimize their R, not acting as if he is "in love" with her....

I agree Mimi. This is not a typical A, he is keeping her as a mistress and apparently that is all she is interested in. According to one of her co workers, she only wants the money and doesn't care about anything else.

Official plan A was short, but actual plan A was over a year.
The official plan A had NO EFFECT. He was coming home late at night and leaving early in the morning, spending all day with OW. On the weekends he would "have to work" and spend it with OW too!
Exposure had no effect because he just avoids everyone and lives in secret

Nothing has had any effect! this is frustrating...

Maybe I should ask Mortarman what he thinks...

I would talk to him at this satge if he wanted to. I won't make the first move because what would I say? I know he hasn't ended the A, and he doesn't seem interested in me, so I would have to tell him that since he is getting what he wants I want a divorce! What other choice is there?
I can't tell him to come home and keep his mistress???????

That's why I'm not going to initiate the conversation yet.
Maybe february...

I think it's a GREAT IDEA to ask MM's opinion...

Start a new thread, calling him out, MORTARMAN, PLEASE HELP ME... or however you feel comfortable in titling it

Maybe say, MORTARMAN AND OTHER VETS....

ok. I'll write first and then post it today

The OW will NOT want t/b treated as a 2nd class citizen in the A for long. That is just how she gets her feet in the door.

Be on the look out for her to want to spread her wings and take over your name, title, property and everything else her greedy stinky hands can get them on. Greed is key to an A. Integral part, just because she seems content, she won't be forever.

She will soon want your place in his life.

L.

Orchid,

I am surprised that she hasn't made any moves yet!

She is a real predator OW. The other secretary told me that once they were chatting, OW, WH and her and OW said she was looking for an old man with a lot of money! That's all she wants, apparently but I keep waiting for signs of her becoming more demanding.

Hasn't happened yet and it's been almost 8 months...

OW is being placated and for now she will settle for it until she can see when she can get her grubby hands on more. You have powerful info knowing she is after the $$. Go protect your family's assets.

L.

Only way I can do that is document whatever I can which I already have done and speak to a lawyer withut WH knowing. Now I planned to do that in december to prepare for the divorce filing.

Now, If I understand this interpretation of As as presented by Harley and several others, we have to believe that most As do not end up as long term relationships so we, BS have to have patience and wait for them to end, in order to give our Ms a chance of recovering. In the meantime we should present the WS with the best person we can be (plan A) so that it is what he/she remembers when the fog begins to lift or reality starts to penetrate the fog.

I know that so far I have been able to be the person that WH married. I have done nothing to earn his mistrust. This is very important in our relationship because WH doesn't trust ANYBODY. He used to be paranoid and suspicious of everyone except me. In that sense everyone could see what a special relationship we had. Even his family.... they were not trustworthy and they knew that he trusted me more than them.

So that is one bond between us that I don't want to break, even though he has. It's like the marriage vows, he broke them, but I haven't. I don't plan to either.