I also worry about my emotional health. I've been thinking of maybe asking for ADs but I don't have other signs of depression and I hate taking any medication.

I hate taking medications too, and I understand what you are saying. It wouldn't hurt to ask YOUR doctor what the think. It might be good to talk about it with a professional. I realize you are one yourself, but you know what I mean - another opinion just for peace of mind.

I've tried hobbies, but my heart is just not in it.

The movies make me forget for a couple of hours.

Movies drag you into another world, but that's not making your life better, just an escape. I know you know already, just thinking out loud. The problem is that real life is SUPPOSED to be about spouse, and family. This is not of your choosing.

At work I manage to do OK, but unless there is something very exciting going on I run off after 6 or 7 hours.

OK, lets just tell your boss you only want 5 hour days now !!! Hmmm, that might not work. Some bosses can be so difficult. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Travelling for 3 months I'm sure would help a lot, but obviously it's not possible. I started this new job a few months ago and I have a lot of responsibility, so I can't take off even if I have the vacation days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

That doesn't sound very fun at all. When do you get vacation days? OH, but I see, you are talking as though you could get 3 months worth? You do get a day or so every now and then, don't you?


On the other hand I have 3 dds and alhough they seem to be doing OK, I want to be here for them, I want this to still be a home for them.

I hope this isn't as hard on them as it is on you.

I just have to change my feelings. I know they can be changed.

What I do is pretend. I figure out what I want do be different (in me, not things outside I can't change.) Then I pretend they are different. Relapses come, and I start over. I pretend I can handle it, that I will be OK, that I am getting along fine. Over time, my pretense becomes reality.

It won't work all day every day, but it helps so much some days. Yes, you CAN change your thoughts and feelings.

Your worth the effort.

SS

I'll explain about the vacations. I changed positions but for the same employers. So I have about 40 days vacations I can take (last year it just wasn't worth taking them). But because of the responsibility of my present position I can't take them.
BTW the job is part time, 4 hours per day. I normally stay 6-7 hours and some days 11-12. But I can't risk losing it. It's my only permanent job and it has helped alot for my self esteem, and it would be my dream job if I could enjoy it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I try. and sometimes I manage to really enjoy it for a couple of days.

I also got another job a week ago teaching on the internet. It's supposed to be well paid but I haven't been told how much yet. It's very important because of the contacts I have made, so I make an effort to do it well.

I know that travelling is living in fantasy land, but it would give me a feeling of relief for a few days at least and maybe I could find some strength to go on. My next planned work realted trip is in december for 3 or 4 days. Then the next trip I plan to take will be in january. It's summer here and everyone is on holidays so I plan to go for a week by myself to Ushuaia, Argentina. It will be my birthday present to myself. You know, WH never gave me a
birthday present in the 19 years we have been married!

Anyway, I've just found out that dds are going to dinner with WH which is strange because he always takes them out to dinner on weekdays when I suspect OW has a class. Never on weekends.

But it's good that I'll be alone and can have my own pity party. They haven't noticed how bad I'm doing. I guess I'm a real good actress!
LOL I did win a prize for best actress in high school! Just haven't used those abilities since then.

I would have a hard time with my spouse if she didn't pay attention to my B-day in 19 years.

Glad you get a vacation in January. Vacations are good for us.

So you are one of those people who can be counted upon always, and you always do more than you are contracted to do. That's good for your employer, but can be hard on you and your family.

I do wish your daughters knew how you were doing and were helping you more. Acting is good in come ways, not in others. You really do need support.

Are you doing anything proactive to change your feelings, or to keep from having so much time to think negative things?
I am wondering how you cope, and where you are in changing things. I am thinking of a poem -

It's only the view from where you sit
that makes you fear defeat.
Life is full of many aisles,
so why don't you change your seat?

Is there any way for you to do that emotionally?

SS

THanks SS. It means a lot to me that you validate my feelings and situation.

Yes I am being proactive to change things. Nothing much has worked so far, but I'm not giving up. Eventually something will help me.

I don't want to burden my dds with this. They are 18 and 17 and living as teenagers do. That's what I want for them. They deserve it. I didn't have it, so I may have a bit of difficulty understanding the carefree attitude and "selfishness" of this age but that's not a reason to take it away from them. They protect me by saying the least possible about WH.

Want to know the worst: year before last he bought OW a 40 dollar perfume for her birthday and nothing for me for mine which is 1 month after hers. THat hurt. Still does. Last year, we were alreay separated for my birthday, he got me a book. First time in 19 years. It had no meaning for me.

Anyway, going to work in a few minutes, and I don't want to cry anymore. I'll do something different this week.

Thank you.

CC,

Looks like SS has been giving you good support. That's great.

IMHO, your dd's do need to be taken into your confidence. They may know more than you think but may be waiting for the invitation to show you their support.

Make a stance against this A as a family. Many parents try to sheild their children and as a result, the children are not as prepared to deal with this stuff as adults.

This is a lesson which is hard but together as a family, you will see how to survive it.

Glad your job is helping you. Once you are able to get stable, sync up your mind and heart, the pain will lessen. You will never stop being amazed at the stupidity of the Ws. However, you will be able to look at it with less pain once you get over that hump.

Remember the OW is never better than you. Never. She has to wear some sort of perfume....re: OWs STINK! LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Good Morning, cc -

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I can relate to some of your feelings. I remember the almost smothering anguish and pain that WW's relationship with OM caused me. And... I remember that last year for our anniversary (28th) she got me....nothing, not even a card. It wasn't so important that I didn't get anyTHING, it was the message that it sent that she couldn't even take the time, or care enough....so I understand.

I know this is hard to believe, but I do believe that time lessens the hurt. I am finding that my periods of intense hurt or missing WW are getting less and less frequent. It hurts me the most when I remember who she WAS, but she's not that person any more. I suspect that your WH is the same way, from the description you have of your marriage to him. A lot like me and W....we were inseparable and the "model" couple.

On the AD issue....I started AD's at the advice of Harley. I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm about ready to start seeing if I can taper off of them. You're the MD, not me, but I would encourage you to at least consider this. I think it is a big help in getting through the most hurtful stages.

Georgia

cc, I am sorry you're feeling down. I can't say I have much in advice, but I do know how you feel because it's how I feel sometimes. It takes a lot of effort. Start small. I try to take it day by day or else I am overwhelmed.

I wonder if the fact that in two months, given your own timeline, you will probably have to make 'hard decisions' is getting you down. Especially since 'nothing' has happened so far!

On LT's thread I read that SH has advised her to set a date to 'reassess' the situation. How about if you told yourself that? That in 2 months you will reassess how you feel about the situation, rather than have to at all cost 'act'? It might take some of the pressure off.

You are in my thoughts. Hang in there. We will get through this, won't we cc?

Orchid,

TY for the support.

DDs are informed. I told them OW lives with WH although the only time they got him to invite them over to his place she wasn't there and apparently all signs of her had disappeared ... except for a t-shirt hanging outside one of them noticed.
But they've never asked him point blank. As far as I know.

I don't want to burden them with my difficulties getting over this. I will with you guys. They know I have my "internet friends".
They encourage me to do whatever I want.

I know the OW isn't better than me. In this case it is so true even WH knows it, and denies her existance. But even that makes it more hurtful. It also feels a reflection on me.

I can't get to the point of hating or disrespecting him even though he's a WH and not H.

But I will. Someday. Hopefully soon.

It's not hard to believe! I was convinced it would be better by now, specially since my plan B has been so dark. But it doesn't seem to be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I must be doing something wrong... I'll have to start using my imagination.

You are an example of how it should be.

Hey Lunamare,

you are doing so much better!

My 1 year deadline is actually to reassess the situation, when I'm pissed it's to star the divorce, when I'm not it's to probably decide to wait for the whole 2 years. But then I think that one can always re-marry so why prolong the uncertainty ? Might as well get closure and start again, with him or someone else, whatever is better.

Who knows?

We'll make it anyway. We have the best friends around here to keep us on track.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi cc46--You need something new with which to occupy your thoughts. Dunno exactly what that "something" might be for you, but during those interminable pages of living the Saga, I've learned that when my thoughts escape the corral, and start dragging me down the dusty trail (over the rocks and bumps, through the cow pies and horse droppings! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) I very quickly have to lasso them back and start them in a new direction...or else. It is my personal tendency to get very depressed when things aren't "right", and there's so doggone much to be depressed about, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />, so I work very hard at not letting my thoughts get away with me. Wish I could give more specific detail about how you, cc46, could do this for yourself, but I can't. All I know is that even though you will sometimes accidentally fall into the Slough of Despond, there's no need, once you're there, to sit around and make a few mud pies as long as you're dirty anyway! You're in my prayers.

t&l

Oh I do that! I try to think of things I would enjoy, including the kind of people I would like to meet.
That's why I have been able to function so well outwardly I guess.

Also I have no problem sleeping and most of the time have great dreams, but as soon as I wake up the "bad" thoughts begin again. It's exhausting.

That's why I lurk but don't post. There doesn't seem to be much anyone can do to help, but I always learn new things.

But maybe reading here isn't the best thing to do. I'm glad I can't access MB at work. In a couple of weeks we are hosting an international conference and I will most probably be very busy, so I should use that to wean myself from MB.
Only read in the mornings, 15 min before leaving for work and maybe after dinner 1/2 hour. As long as I am in plan B that should be OK.

thank you.

CC:

Why do you think staying away from MB would be helpful?

Just want to share that was one of the biggest mistakes I made during all of this...

When my H was still wayward and I stopped coming here, I got into a whole lot of trouble..

It's much better to listen and talk to people here about what you are going through...

We understand....

Hi Mimi!

If it hadn't been for MB and all you guys I shudder to think where I would be!

But it's been a whole year of studying and reading and learning with no practice needed, because WH and H are both absent. I have no one to put these things to practice with.

I can't stand to read about recovery because it doesn't seem likely. I can't stand to read about the pain of the newbies because I seem to be there still.

I read many hours, hours that I could use to go out with the dog, or do my crafts.

I will miss MB, but I'm reading about infidelity ALL THE TIME!!!!

I have come to the conclusion that probably 50% of people are futur WS and 50% BS. That means that of every 10 people you meet 5 will betray, lie, be dishonest, untruthful etc. And of the 50% of the futur or past BS there must be quite a few who either don't care for their marriages, or are not committed, or cannot forgive, and give up. They are the ones we don't hear from, because they would never come here.

And what about the WS? of that 50% many are probably worse then the ones we may have read about here, and many may not be. But we don't get that many WSs here so we don't really know what they think. Even if they decide to come back to their marriages, very few are willing to "marriagebuild", at least that's my perception.

So it's a grim world out there with regard to marriage.

I agree with Dr. Harleys position on marriage and his techniques for a good marriage. I've learned all that since I got here.

But at this point I can't use any of it. Nor should I because I start thinking of relationships with other men ! and that's not what I want to do right now.

So maybe detaching a little bit from MB may be good for me. Not easy but I'll try and see what happens.

I haven't exactly been following the script, rather WH hasn't. So I have to try something different.

Why do you think it might be dangerous?

Good Morning, cc -

It is obvious that my WW hasn't followed the MB "script". Does that mean that I've not gotten anything from the folks here on MB? You wisely point out the cruelty of the world as you perceive it, I don't disagree with you. However, here is a cluster of people who share your views, your thoughts, your observations. Where else do you intend to replicate that community?

In the end, only you can decide what is best for you. As I (hope) that I demonstrate, personal recovery may have to occur if marital recovery doesn't.

Finding a group of folks who are interested in cc's recovery is important, too. Even if the marriage doesn't survive.

Georgia

CC:

I think you are depressed. That concerns me alot for you.

You have a negative view of relationships and of the world now. I regret that you have allowed your WH to do this to you...

I'm afraid that without this community you may become MORE AND MORE depressed.

Read about depression and how it is cured. A good book is FEELING GOOD by David Burns, M.D. Read about the importance of working towards changing your negative thought process. Read inspirational books...

I think an antidepressant will help you...

Why do I think you are depressed? You have given up HOPE and FAITH...

In my darkest hours, CC, I continued to believe in the GOODNESS of others. I tried to maintain a focus on the POSITIVE when the ENEMY was trying to make me believe otherwise.. I kept my FAITH in the LORD that HE had GOOD THINGS IN STORE FOR ME..if not MY MARRIAGE....

Plus:

Who's going to discuss TUMBLEBUGS with me?

I want to learn more about your country and culture..

Do you eat BLACK BEANS?

I went to a prep school in high school and one of my best friends there was from Guatamala. She still lives there..She always talked about how she missed eating black beans..just a stupid memory of mine.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

That's funny. When #1S was in H.S., he and the future Mrs. #1S went on a church mission trip to Guatamala. They discovered black beans while they were there and said they served black beans with EVERYTHING. But..they too got to really like them while they were there.

Something I discovered from that trip is that, IMO, Gualamalan coffee is the best coffee there is. It is very strong, but not bitter. To this day, I like Guatamalan coffee better than any other.

cc - we care about you. Listen to Mimi...she's got lot's of wisdom here. I endorse AD's as well.

Last week I cut my Lexapro does in 1/2, after being on them for most of a year.

Georgia

FGG: I'm sure I get everything I know about infidelity from MB! and other subjects too! I've learned so much in these months (a year soon) I have been here. The fact that I don't post doesn't mean I don't read and because I don't post you may think I'm not around much. I swear I spend at least 3-4 hours a day on weekedays, and more on weekends reading MB!

Maybe it's too much time to dedicate to this aspect of my life. That's what I'm thinking. Maybe that's why I'm stuck in my personal recovery .

I have learned that I CAN personally recover if I want to, but I can't recover my marriage unless WH is involved. I know this, and I'm only working on MY RECOVERY.


You have no idea how important this is to me, but I haven't thanked you all YET, because I'm not yet personally recovered nor is my marriage recovered. But I'm sure I will someday.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Somebody asked how I was and I just answered sincerely....

Not yet Mimi. I don't have the signs and believe me, even if I'm not a psychiatrist I know what to look out for.

I don't sleep too little or too much. I can eat. I work. My house is neat, I bathe everyday and I cut my toenails!
(I'm not sure why, but when people are not mentally well, they don't cut their toenails!)

I have not abandoned my family nor they me. So I am socially functioning Ok.

That's why I'm not clinically depressed.

Now do I have other problems? Sure. Lots. and I've had them for ages... ever since I can remember.

The main problem is being disappointed by people, by unfairness, dishonesty, lies, etc.

Part of this is because of my childhood. I grew up very innocently, had a fairytale childhood, with good values instilled in me, both by my parents and the cultural atmosphere around me. My childhood and elementary school years were spent in USA and London.

When I was 12, (my elder sister was 14 and my 5 brothers were younger, the youngest 18 months), my father died and my childhood ended.

I came to live in a third world country where the culture is different, everything was different and our lives had suddenly completely changed.

Was I the only one affected by this? Obviously not. Of the 5 eldest kids I am the only one who remained in this country, I am the only one who is a professional and works in the profession (my sister is a translator but has only worked now and then at that), I married and had children and am independant (which is not a small feat around here).

The crazy thing is that I have always had to remind myself that I must be OK to be achieve all those things. I don't take them for granted, I don't FEEL I'm entitled to them, I don't feel it's natural for me.

When I was single I was convinced I would never marry because I would never find someone here who valued the same things I did because they were "culturally acquired" during my childhood and therefore different.

But I did. I fell in love and I was totally committed to my marriage for 19 years. Even these last 3 years when WH was already acting strangely detached I had decided to give him space, not pressure him and hope that he would get back to being "normal" so we could start this new phase of our lives.

So I guess my self esteem problems which have always been present, although I am also permanently aware of them, took a turn for the worse. Luckily only briefly because I found MB immediately and also because the first thing my sister said to me was IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! (She married an american and has lived over there for more than 20 years now). Nobody HERE said that to me, although nobody blames me either.

But I expected my mother to blame me, and she didn't. On the contrary, she totally supported me and never again wanted to see WH. She's terribly disappointed.

I'm lost. Don't even know where this is leading.

Maybe what I want to understand myself is that maybe all these previous issues are complicating my personal recovery.

I never felt emotionally healthy before, but I am apparently emotionally healthier than many who NEED professional help to live a "socially" acceptable life.

I know I don't like asking for help. But I have.