Thanks Luna.

I am feeling a lot better since I finally accepted that I AM doing what is best with the knowledge I have acquired here and elsewhere. Like most say, the "treatment" of infidelity is counterintuitive, which is why it is dificult to accept at first.

But now I am convinced that I am doing what is best for my marriage and for me.

YOU ARE DOING GREAT! and I'm not the only one who has noticed....

Thanks cc46,

Glad to hear your doing better, and thanks for the encouragement.

PLAN B, at its 'minimalist' (if the word exists), has one thing going for it, it's a 'plan'!**

Have a good weekend.


** This comment can be attributed on the natural movement of speciman LUNA's attempts at changing attitude about life, going from one extreme to the other (high expectations to low expectations), and who should shortly be moving somewhere in the 'middle' of the scale to 'reasonable expectations', until then, don't expect much from her.

CC:

It does not matter...

Expose to any and everybody in order to bring the A out into the light..to get it out of the cover of secrecy and darkness...

Why does it matter if the person is a friend or not?

You are not doing anything WRONG by exposing the A..it is your WH that is doing WRONG by having the A...

I know I AM NOT doing anything wrong by exposing, but people here react by disappearing! Even people I have told thru e mails have never written again!

I am actually a bit surprised about these reactions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I have only one friend who calls me to get together every couple of weeks or so. Thank God for my family and you guys!

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but people don't seem to want to know!

I just had to comment on this. I was married for 18 years - thats a lot longer than 9 months!! and yet I am divorced today. I would not consider that my marriage lasted.....and I don't think that 9 months together means that their A has lasted either.

I was just sitting here trying to recall how long my Ex's relationship with OW#1 lasted - and I think it was right around 9 months. He moved back in with his mom so he could "save money" but they were supposedly still "together". Then he found an apartment that was closer to work for him,and said they were still "together" but they were going to live separetly until her D was final and they could get married. After awhile he just quit giving excuses for why she wasn't living with him anymore.
So I don't know when they officially quit seeing each other but it was somewhere between 9 - 12 months. No big explosion, just a slow fizzle out.
That realtionship is definately over now. He is now married to OW#2.

I don't know if you will end up back with your WH or not - I just wanted to share with you that 9 months together does not mean that their R has lasted.

Oh, and just so you know, my Ex did try to get back together with me when his relationship fizzled with OW#1. But by then we were all ready D, and I had matured far beyond him.

Thank God you commented! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There aren't many As on the forum that last this long fortunately.

Just before the forum changed I had started a poll to see how long plan B had lasted for others, but it was lost!

In spite of that, having re-read SAA a couple of days ago and then Penny's book, I think that maybe there is still a chance for my marriage because 9 months may not be that long after all.

It seems like ages! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I've been married 19 years too.

Thanks WOF.

You said:



I don't think it's cultural, CC. I think this is human nature. Lots of people want to live in denial of reality. They are afraid if you are willing to expose the ugliness in your life that you might put a lens into their lives or they may be compelled to be open with you.

It's in times like these that you will discover your true friends. Folks that failed to contact you are not your true friends. They wanted to have a superficial relationship with you.

My H and I scare a lot of people. Some folks want to run away when they see us. It seems that they don't know how to handle the realness of life.

Exposure and honesty is always best. It's BOLDNESS a sense of boldness that will not only help you but will compel others to grow. It will help you learn who are your true allies..

I'm no longer in contact with several people whom I thought were friends. We are developing new friendships which are more meaningful and true...

Nine months is really not that long for an affair. My WH's has been going on 3 years now. It is just starting to show signs of not lasting.

So hang in there.

I know what you mean about people not wanting to hear. Practically none of our friends or family supported me fighting for my marriage.

My family has supported me even though they really don't want to talk about it much except for my SIL. She and my mother were really the only ones who called and came to be with me the first few weeks and one friend. This friend is a former OW, a long time ago. She's now been married for 20 years.

I don't think my "friends" who don't actively "support" me are not "friends". I can understand how uncomfortable they feel. I don't blame them.

What I wouldn't forgive is for them to be nice to WH, but it's unlikely that they should meet him. He has never socialized much and now he doesn't even frequent the kind of places where he might meet them.

I am specially surprised that even people you have contact only thru internet, suddenly never write to you again.

That's why MB is so important. Even of I don't write much, I read obsessively. Maybe one of the good things about my job is that I can't access MB. Makes me concentrate on other things for a few hours. At this point it is probably better.

Hi cc -

This sordid mess we find ourselves in certainly isn't fodder for pleasant conversation with casual friends.

It seems like those true, deep friends may stick with you through this, support you, and be truly interested in your pain and how they can love you.

Other, more "casual" friends aren't going to find this something they wish to hear about or be a part of.

Georgia

you're right about the friends and I believe it is my fault I don't have many true real friends. I guess I spent too much time with and for my "family" and I don't regret it.

Glad you had a wonderful time over the weekend. You are very brave, and kind.

I think you don't have much choice but to go through with the divorce. You have done everything you could to get your M back but your WH isn't helping at all.

I don't see any other options, even though I also hate divorce. My case is different because WH does not have any contact with me but is financially supporting us. I know it is sort of dangerous 'cause he made decide to stop any moment but that is when I would get legal help and divorce would probably inevitable.

I know you will recover and continue to be the fine man that you are. You will find happiness again eventually.

So will I <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, cc..

You too are obviously a fine lady.

I regret that you too are forced into this exclusive BS club.

I don't know that there is a "fault" to be had on this friend issue. It's just that many of us maintain lots of "shallow" friendships, and that's not (IMO) a bad thing. It's just that we all have few deep, true friendships that will stick with us with it ain't fun no more.

You've done fine.

Georgia

Thanks FGG.

I've always felt a little awkward about friends, I just didn't quite fit. That is due to the fact that I spent most of my childhood abroad, so at 13 when I came back to the country I was just not one of the "girls" .

But I don't look for shallow friendships or pretend they are anything more than that, or expect more than that.

I was surprised that when faced with this difficult situation I had such a great response from my family and a few friends. That was more than enough for me, to help me not disappear down that hole we all seem to fall into when faced with infidelity.

and I'm sure that when all this is over there will be many positive things I will have learned. I know that once that first step that destroys the marriage commitment is taken, there is no going back. Ever. And to stay in that situation was really terrifying for me! So I will make the best of it, thanks to MB.

And I'm sure you will too



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I got to LEVEL 3 on the TUMBLEBUGS GAME. Where are you? What happens when you get to the last level?

Mimi, I'm still stuck on level *!!!!!

I've been here for weeks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I've no idea what happens, but the last level is 78!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

We should ask Pep, she's playing..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

78 LEVELS? You are kidding! I might go down into the hole by then.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I can't imagine 78 different scenarios...

To answer your question SS, yes the weekends are worse than the weekdays. Last weekend was a long one because of a holiday on monday and one of the worst I've had for quite a while.

I couldn't stop crying! It's horrible.

So I decided I am going to go out more on weekends. I'm going to start taking the dog for walks to different places.

Why can't I get over it?
I always have WH in my mind.

I was so angry with him last week that I took the lawyers number from my wallet with the intention of calling him the next day (BTW, this would be a big step for me as I believe that even talking to a lawyer would be the first step towards divorce). I then decided that I needed some reassurance to keep doing this plan B for a year (2 more months to go) so I wrote to my sister and asked her to tell me sincerely what she thought of my marriage. If she said she had never thought we were a good match I would have called the lawyer and found out about divorce.

This is what she answered:

"Yes. I will tell you honestly of my impression.
I always thought you were the perfect couple and family. Because you and
WH were so very comfortable with each other, and affectionate with each
other, all through the years and through all the different happenings.
And you were happy and content to stay home with each other and your
children. And you respected the time and effort each one of you
dedicated to your respective careers. You appeared to have the same
priorities and you seemed to be accepting of each other's way of
operating, and of each other's quirks. Of course I have no idea of how
well your sexual and intimate lives were going. So, all in all, yes, you
guys appeared to be in sync and to be on a long and happy path. Yes,
your lives seemed to be very much OK. "

So I decided that I have to go on and give him the chance to repent. At least one year.

Unfortunately in spite of no contact, I think resentment is starting to build up.

To answer your question SS, yes the weekends are worse than the weekdays. Last weekend was a long one because of a holiday on monday and one of the worst I've had for quite a while.

I couldn't stop crying! It's horrible.

I have not been through what you are going through. I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I would guess there are no words to describe it, or that could describe it. Though I can't wholly understand, I do feel for you, and wish things were otherwise. I do want you to know people care about you.

So I decided I am going to go out more on weekends. I'm going to start taking the dog for walks to different places.

That's a start. Just a start though. Do you have old hobbies that can be revived? New ones you would like to try?
Dreams you have been afraid to think about?

Why can't I get over it?
I always have WH in my mind.

Remember, this is how it is sppposed to be. If everyone had God in their hearts, this is the only way it would be. If it's ever over, you'll find a way to let go, but for now, I admire you for your loyalty, and love. That's a good thing.



So I decided that I have to go on and give him the chance to repent. At least one year.

Unfortunately in spite of no contact, I think resentment is starting to build up.

Again, I think good of you for giving him this time. I do worry about your feelings, and your stamina, and your emotional health. It's natural to feel resentment when a person is betrayed like this. Is there anything that helps?

SS

I also worry about my emotional health. I've been thinking of maybe asking for ADs but I don't have other signs of depression and I hate taking any medication.

I've tried hobbies, but my heart is just not in it.

The movies make me forget for a couple of hours.

At work I manage to do OK, but unless there is something very exciting going on I run off after 6 or 7 hours.

Travelling for 3 months I'm sure would help a lot, but obviously it's not possible. I started this new job a few months ago and I have a lot of responsibility, so I can't take off even if I have the vacation days.

On the other hand I have 3 dds and alhough they seem to be doing OK, I want to be here for them, I want this to still be a home for them.

I just have to change my feelings. I know they can be changed.