BTW,

you have to realize there is nothing you can do for your WH except show him with your example what it would be best to be.
It is TOUGH LOVE. It's a way of showing him that you love him.

Maybe he will have to go all the way to the bottom, but at least we will not be down there with him and on the contrary, we'll be showing them a way out when they have no more strength left. That's love.

You have to love yourself to be able to give love. That was my biggest flaw, I didn't care for myself. I learned that.

Hi cc -

It sounds like you're doing good, I'm glad you're feeling better.

IMO, completely removing ourselves from our WS world is EXTREMELY important. I've written about this with WOF on my thread, but in my sitch it was like my WW wanted to live in a soap opera (do they have those there?), and she wanted me to be a player in it too.

My have to, for our own sanity, step out of their little drama and let them play it out all by themselves. Maybe, if THEY are fortunate, we will still be around for the epilogue.

Georgia

I'm catching up with you. I reached LEVEL 6.....

Hi cc46,

Glad to hear things are looking up!

Hi guys!

Georgia,
yes we do have soap operas here. H and I have never been that kind of people. No public scenes, nor really any shouting, screaming etc. WH is carrying on in secret and I'm freer now to express myself so I do expose but without the drama.

I am doing better finally but you are doing GREAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I still have to really carve out a life for myself. I don't have financial security of any kind, not with my jobs nor with what we had saved with WH. I haven't yet set up any kind of real "life" for myself because situations keep changing. I can't have any long term goals either, so I have still a long way to go about deciding my futur.

But plan B is brilliant in that it does remove you from the drama and gives you a chance to recover. There is no better choice in these situations.

So I'll pray. I'm not sure what I want yet.
I pray for peace and strength. I know I have several hurdles in the immediate futur: my mother and her sisters are the backbone of the family structure and they are all in their eighties so some day that is going to change and it looks like I will have to assume a more important role. I don't mind that, I think I'll enjoy it.

My dds are also another source of change. Their lives change all the time, and with it so does mine.

Mimi, I'm still stuck on level 8! unbelievable...

Luna, you are doing great and it can only get better.

The good thing is that I'm not like a fish out of the water anymore, but I still have a lot of work on myself to do. I've realized that lazyness is one thing that I have to work on and that includes spending too much time on MB, so I'm off to pay the mechanic and the supermarket.

WH was supposed to take dds out to dinner but he cancelled.
So I have to get some food.

I'm busy with conferences and stuff this week so I may not answer as promptly as usual.

Thanks to all of you.

cc,
It looks like you are doing really well, considering all that you have to deal with.

I read back a few days, and I am so impressed with your additude.

I realize there are momemts when it still gets to you, but I am so glad you seem able to cope with those feelings.

Good job!

SS

Thanks SS.

When I wrote the last post I forgot to "continue" and went off to rum my errands only to find it on the screen when I got back! Not exactly neat is it?

Anyway, on my errands I was thinking that I AM FLAWED from a very early age, probably. Living a dual life, speaking 2 languages, etc. Ever since I have a memory I can remember not fitting in with the others.

The difference is that now I have confronted that, and although I don't think that flaw will disappear I can live with it, I can even eventually become friends with my flaws. I know I will always feel a little strange, but not THAT strange. And mostof that strangeness comes from naiveness that makes me "honest" and therefore feel very bad when confronted by dishonesty, truthful, which makes me feel bad when I'm forced to lie or pretend, and makes me feel bad about myself. Things like that. I feel awkward. But I'm now learning to confront those feelings and situations and stand up to them better. But I still have a lot of work.

yes, I am work in progress but at least I am now in progress and not stuck.

The whole A situation is now just one more thing in this whole complex situation about ME, and not the focus of my life. At least I hope so.

Lots to do. I have to work a while now.

The more I am able to see into others minds, the more I think that many, many people see themselves the same way you see yourself. Flawed.

And, it's true. We are all works in progress. All have some flaw, some highly visible, some hidden from casual inspection.

It is wonderful when someone realizes they are flawed, and works to improve their life.

May you work quickly, acomplish much.

SS

Whew! found my thread!

Last night I actually AVOIDED WH! I had just left my car in the garage (half a block from the house) and I realized that WH was dropping dds off at home . It was 11 pm so I stood on the corner whre he could see me and waited until he drove off. I realize I have no desire to even see him, but also that this is what Orchid means when she says you don't to have anything to do with WH, only with your H.

Unfortunately I haven't seen H for a loooooooong time...I'm starting to relate to him as though he had died!

I feel this rejection is only of the WH, so maybe if teh A ever ends it will go away. It certainly can make things very uncomfortable, because at some point we will have to meet at some family affair etc. So far it hasn't happened.

Another of Orchid's wisdoms I have finally understood is that your heart and your mind have to be in sync. I think I should get divorced because he is still wayward and my financial situation is very dependant on him, but my heart hasn't given up. So I continue to plan B...

cc46,

quote:--------------------------------------------------
Whew! found my thread!
--------------------------------------------------------

This made me laugh. That's how much PLAN B takes the drama out of our lives. I actually update sometimes just so my thread doesn't get moved to archives!

quote:---------------------------------------------------
Last night I actually AVOIDED WH!
---------------------------------------------------------

Good. Sounds like you're doing well, cc46. I am glad.

Take care.

I just want to include this here for posterity. I am very grateful for this kind of insight from someone who has suffered a bad case of infidelity and survived.

Just a few details to update. Still in dark plan B.

OW has been spotted by my other dd at HER school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Could she be harassing them? Too soon to tell but for those who don't know both older dds started different schools this year. OW also decided to go back to studying at one dds school, now she seems to be going to both dds schools! SICK!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I should let her know that dd3 is going to yet a different one but in 2 years! Just in case she wants to prepare herself for that too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

My sister is visiting for a couple of weeks and since she is very close to dds I asked her to talk to them about the sitch, make sure they understand that while married it's not right to date (or have a GF<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />). Yesterday she had the first chat with one dd. Turns out that they want ME to be happy and they are very angry with WH because he has not explained anything to them and refuses to acknowledge that he's living with OW. Apparently dd3 is the angriest. They are aware of teh possibility of divorce.

My S said that dd sounded very mature and confident.

Dd also told her she does not recognize that man, he's an alien. So I guess he's still "in a fog".

I am doing quite a bit better. Job is very good, I'm finally starting to ENJOY it. I'm taking 2 days off to visit a brother withmy sister at the seaside. Next week I have a work related trip and in another coupple of weeks I have another. I like travelling! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It's more of a relief than going to the movies!

And when you get paid to go it's even better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I need to be prepared for Xmas which is a huge trigger! Plan B started december the 26th!

I also bought tumblebugs so I am VERY busy now!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> although I'm still stuck on level 8<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi CC46,

Thanks for dropping by in my thread.

When you're up to it, would like to hear more about how you are doing.

HUGS.

Yes.

Please let us hear from you.

How's it coming with TUMBLEBUGS?

I'm continuing with a high level of utter frustration!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mimi and lunamare,

First I'M STILL STUCK ON LEVEL 8!!!!!!!!!! in tumblebugs but lately I've been reaching the last scene more often so maybe one of these days I'll get to see level 9. It must be 2 months now that I'm on the same level! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It's still a big comfort for me but maybe I shouldn't play this much and get other things done!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

On other subjects, this month I got two trips, one to Peru and the other, last week, to Rio. The first was boring because I didn't get to go out much, apparently it was too dangerous. So it was all work and no play, very frustrating for me because I like to just walk around and see how people live and visit the main attractions. Next time, maybe.

Rio is a wonderful city, actually probably one of the most beautiful in the world. Unfortunately it rained or was cloudy most of the week. I was looking forward to this trip but unforunately I was quite depressed, there were too many triggers which hadn't ever bothered me before, (although I had never been there) and the weather didn't help. Rio is dominated by a huge Christ statue at the top of a hill, but because of the clouds I saw him for the first time after 4 days! Unbelievable! Still, it was very emotional. On the fifth and last day I went up to the statue. The view is incredible.

Anyway, as I mentioned I've been a little depressed. I guess it's the season, the timing (plan B anniversary is the 26th december), the fact that the family and even the extended family is split up this Christmas and who knows what else.

My sister visited a month ago and I asked her to talk to dds about the situstion. She said that they seemed strong and mature and they were very angry with WH. They just want me to be happy.

Dds 1 and 2 confonted WH about living with OW and he just answered that it was "hard for him to tell them" and that "now they knew".

On the way back from the airport dd mentioned that WH was spending Xmas Eve with MIL and BIL. (These last few years they've all come to our house). Now, this is quite surprising since Xmas Eve is also OW's birthday. I wonder if he's taking OW to MIL's because she has changed her mind (she had told WH to never take "that woman" to her house) or he's not taking her but not spending it with her either! Dd said she would go over after dinner to say Merry Xmas. We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I have a few days off work starting wednesday. Normally that would sound good but I don't really want them because work keeps me occupied, and there are tons of things to do, but I don't have a choice.

So here I am, 1 year later and I don't seem to have progressed much. I still hurt too much, I still haven't reached the acceptance stage. I feel like I'm still mourning the loss of my marriage. I still feel I belong to him, although my brain tells me that I don't want the marriage as it was or WH as he is or even as he was. But I still feel I belong with him.

I guess I'm pretty messed up, but not clinically depressed yet.
In the next few days things will change. The girls will be leaving for the beach, and routines will change. I will probably be alone for 10 days, which I don't mind at all. Then they will come back and it's our birthdays (the twins and mine) at the end of january. They have to study for exams in february.

That's about it. Not much to update. Dark plan B.

Mimi, I just made it to level 9! A whole new world!

cc46--Long time no hear! It's good to know you're still keeping your nose above the turbulent waves. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

t&L

Hi t&l,

I always read your thread although on these 2 trips I didn't have much internet access, so I've missed some. I can't keep up with all your stories and Neak's and AW's !

I don't think Christmas will be merry this year, but hopefully it will be peaceful and full of hope for the futur!

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Try to have a good Christmas this year. You've been doing this for awhile, and no sense being miserable for another year.

Your trip to Rio and Peru sounds wonderful. I would love to go to these places. What is so dangerous about Peru. Here in the Estado Unidos, we don't hear much.

BTW,

I really envy you Christmas in winter!Just doesn't seem right when it's summer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I visited Israel a few years ago in january and it can get cold over there, it even snowed a little one night I was visiting Jerusalem! Beautiful. I love snow but we never get it here, never.

I also went to Bethlehem and was really shocked at how wrong our image is of Jesus's birthplace! It's really a stone cave. It was supposed to be an inn, and the actual place where he was born was where they had the animals. Apparently it is one of the few "real" places.
Olive trees don't live for 2000 years os the ones in the garden aren't the same ones that were there in Jesus's time.

It was really very impressive. I still remember that visit, specially in these days.