I need help.

I want to write a plan B to MIL. I don't want her to ever talk to me again. What should I say?

When I sent her Xmas present over with dd she sent me the message that she hadn't wrapped mine so she wasn't sending it.
Still han't got here.She probably didn't even buy me one now she has so many new DILs. but if she should ever send me something, I'd like to give it back with a letter.

There's no reason for me to keep being hyprocritical about the relationship. DDs have already realized their GM doesn't care for them, and WH is more interested in his mother's approval of OW.

How I wish I didn't want my marriage to be saved, it would be so much easier.

anyone?

Use some of the same ideas from a regular PBL.

MIL,

When WH & I first married, the relationship I had with you was very meaningful, and I have always seen you as a second mother. [Insert a fond reminiscence here, if you can.]

I understand that you are put in a difficult situation by WH's choices, and that he will always be your son. However, loving him and supporting him in the destruction of his family are two separate things, and you have chosen the latter.

There is nothing I can do to change you, but I can decide what kind of people I choose to have around me. Because you have shown disrespect to WH's and my marriage by your actions, I choose not to have any further association with you. Please do not contact me, and I will not contact you. My daughters will be allowed to make their own choices.

I'm sorry that your decisions, and those of WH have led to this break in our relationship. I wish you all the best.

CC

That is what I would say, now maybe someone else can improve on it.

CC:

Neak's letter is good..

But I don't think she is even worth the time of a letter..

I would say EXCOMMUNICATION as I learned in the book BOLD LOVE...

Handle folks like her by pretending that she no longer exists..Xing her out of your life...

Ignore all of her calls..send back her presents..

NOTHING...

Neak, thanks so much I loved the letter! No wonder you're a writer! Someday I'll buy onne of your books.

Mimi, I was doubting whether to excommunicate her like you say or write a letter. I'm leaning towards writing the letter, because excommunicating her would be "rude" and because she's still the grandmother of my kids and because I want to give her a chance.

She became very religious a few years back but it seems that only in appearances. Life hasn't been very kind to her and she helped by making all the wrong decisions. She bet on my SIL1 and BIL1, who are broke, in debt, no futur and ended up paying their bills and cooking for them every day and making dinner for them to take home. So she's basically their maid for the things the maid at home doesn;t do for them and as source of money for any whims they have. I haven't spoken to them in years and I had no problem excommunicating THEM nor did WH when he realized their only interest was money.

I think I will write the letter because I want things to be absolutely clear for her. It's further exposure.

I'll write itout and wait for a chance to give it to her, be it with the "Xmas present" that probably doesn't exist or for my birthday, next month.

Thanks for your answers.

I have an appointment with a psychitrist on thursday. I've finally decided I need something to help me get thru this, so I'm asking for ADs.

I guess I see your point, CC..

I'm glad that you are seeing the psychiatrist..

Hard for me to understand your being "nice" or considerate to someone who entertains the OW...

Further exposure doesn't seem necessary in regards to your MIL..Your WH FULLY EXPOSED to her...

Mimi,

this is a very small place. I read what a hassle it is for you to avoid your OW. Imagine it 10 times worse.

I can't leave town or go someplace else because of my job, and because there would be no place for the girls to study.

I have no choice but to stay here. MIL lives very near, so does WH. I won't avoid them forever.
In feb a niece's of WH's is getting married. I'm very close to the girls grandmother and her parents have been very nice too. I'm sure I will be invited but I won't be able to go. I can't face them all.

And I'm sure they will be as sorry as I am.

And the exposure part is because if she wants to tell anyone, she might show the letter. And then my intentions will be clear, not something she makes up.

I'm already writing it and will carry it around with me to give to her as soon as I can.

I understand, CC...

Good points...

This is really tough love!

Well today DD asked me what I was doing on New Year's eve. I answered that I was staying home with the dog, alone. And I asked her what they had decided. She said she thought they would go to dinner someplace with WH so I felt I had to tell her of my decision to plan B MIL and warn them that WH might expect OW to go with them.

So we talked with all 3 dds and it turns out that MIL had told dd that OW was spending Xmas there when she went on the 24th to take MIL's present. She also told her not to tell me on the 24th so as not to spoilmy Xmas and that she was not at all happy about it but she wanted to spend Xmas with her sons. She also said that she was worried about me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

She sure doesn't know how to show it!!!!!!

So I WILL plan B her. She has to suffer the consequences of her actions, although I'm sure that it will affect her more than she'll show to the outside world. I'm sort of sorry for her, but she insists on making bad decisions!

I made it very clear to dds that it was MY position and they could do whatever they felt. All three refuse to see OW.

So as expected the holiday season was going to be tough!

I think it is the best decision for YOU, cc and your DD's. They will respect you for this in the long run. Happy New Year and may 2006 be a better year for you.

Thanks FF, I hope 2006 is a better yar for you too.

I also think this is about respect, and in the long term that is what I care most about. I would hate dds to think that infidelity is OK, because everyone accepted it. So every chance I can I explain that it's not right, whichever way you look at it.

At this point, even I'm convinced that I'm doing the right thing!

I just wrote a long post and lost it.

Short version dd was told by MIL on Christmas Eve that OW was spending it at her house, although she did not like it. But she wanted to spend the evening with her sons.

MIL told dd not to tell me because she was worried about me and didn't want to spoil my Xmas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

so I'm going ahead with plan Bing her so that she knows that her actions will have consequences.

Just have to find the moment

I warned dds that WH might expect them to share New Year's eve with OW to which all three answered NO WAY!

so we'll see what happens.

I'm doing my posting drive-bys... How are you doing cc??

It's tough when dealing with MIL's. After all, WH's are their sons.
Fighting infidelity is getting more and more difficult. And pple having A's are getting a little more blatant than before. Most ppl surrounding me - when I say that my H left me because of an A, their reaction is "so? that's so common!" (and with a shrug of the shoulders too) A blase attitude to a very wrong and unethical doing. More and more so, it's also the use and throw away mentality. Take what you want.. throw what you don't. Sometimes I wonder what the world's coming to these days.

~A

Hi Ashley,

I have also found that lots of people just shrug and say, well so what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

BUT, you also have to realize that probably at least 50% of the people out there have been unfaithful, so they are only adjusting their morals to their actions. That's why MB in some way does not represent the real world. All of us here believe in marriage, both the BS and the WS. In the real world there are WS and BS who either don't know enough or don't care enough to defend their marriages.

I finally went to see a psychiatrist because I was on another of my crying periods, and he was very nice and gave me ADs. He said that if I had gone a few months before he would have told me to wait but more than a year was too long and I was too sensitive or cared too much.

I told him I had my MB friends but the visit was too short for me to explain Dr. Harley's whole theory etc. I don't think he had any particular theory to follow. After all, infidelity is so common, you never know when you're talking to someone who has been unfaithful and will probably defend their actions.

So now I'm waiting for the ADs to work.

I still haven't talked to MIL or given her the letter. I carry it in my purse. Maybe dd has warned her I was angry. We'll see.

I'm not looking forward to tonight. My mother and my aunt will be coming to dinner. I've ad several invitations to join other family members, but I refused because I am really not in the mood and I also have the dog to take care of. The dog goes crazy with the fireworks, but this year I bought him a sedative, so I hope it will be better.

On the other hand I now also have to stay until I'm sure that WH will not try to impose OW on dds. That means waiting until the last minute, because he the way he's been behaving he will just "surprise" them. I want them to be able to come home if that happens because we've talked about it and none of them want to spend one minute with OW.

So this will not be a very good day, but I'll survive and tomorrow will be a whole new day, and the start of the summer madness.

All 3 dds will be leaving, the twins have rented a house on the beach with friends for 2 weeks and dd3 is going to a summer camp with school for 10 days.

Normally I enjoy being alone. We'll see.

Happy New Year Ashley. Let's not lose hope that things will turn out for the better if we sick to what's right!

Happy New Year to you, CC

Hi cc46...just wanted to let you know that I am reading you...and wanted to give you a hug... even if we are going to be 'alone'... there's actually a few of us in the same boat, right?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year FF and Luna!

At least we know that SOMETHING will have to happen in 2006 and at least we KNOW that it's not finding out we are being cheated on! So, who knows... Trust God.

ha, cc46. How true.

I cld see a bit of the fireworks from my apartment at the stroke of midnight.

~A

I survived!