Hi everyone!
FF, You HAVE GOT TO BE TOO BUSY to come and say hi! Get back to your life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm so happy for you.

Luna, you are becoming the Queen of Plan B!

Mimi, I am now officially stuck on level 11! You're going to catch up!

Met WH's other secretary today. Unfortunately I listened. Everytime I do this I realize how clever Dr. Harley is with plan B and recommending you not hear anything.

Doesn't really matter what he has said, but she's looking for another job in order to leave. She says the way OW and friend are behaving everyone is in a bad mood. WH has completely changed.

From another friend I heard that there are people wondering what's going on with the business because they use to trust him and have had some strange experiences lately...

The secretary says neither seems very happy.

Anyway, I hope to be strong enough to not listen next time.

One of dds came home for a few days but she left again today. Better for me. I have some excitement at work! And plenty to do.

So far I'm doing fine. I'm listening very carefully to God's whispers.

Hi cc -

I'm glad you are doing so good. It sounds like you are beginning to enjoy some peace and contentment in your "new" life. It sure beats the turmoil of living with WS and all the "baggage" that comes along with it, doesn't it?

I'm curious how long you've been on AD's?

Georgia

21 days!
At 10 days I noticed that the pain was dull. No sharpa edges to that anymore. And the best thing is that I don't feel restless and anxious all the time. So I think they are having a good effect. I have another appointment on the 26th.

Hi there, other time zone!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Howzit? Keep your chin up. It gives the devil something to aim at! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Am I pissed!!!!!!

MIL just phoned pretending that everything was fine and she just wanted to wish me happy birthday because she's going to the beach for a few days (not that she doesn't make phone calls from over there! but I guess this one was special).

I LBed all over and told her to never call me again. She uses the argument that she doesn't approve of WH's A but the fact that she ivited OW over for Xmas doesn't mean that she can't have a good relationship with me!!!!!!!!!

It's over now. Just wasn't expecting it. I still have the letter in my purse. I guess I can throw it away.

No reason for you to get angry.
MIL has faults, you know she does. Because she does something wrong, doesn't mean you have to react to it.

I don't know if I would talk to her either, but this is about the way YOU react to what is happening, not what others do.

If you can avoid returning hurt for hurt, you will be well along in your personal recovery.

Did I say that right?

I don't mean to say you are doing it wrong, but what I am trying to say is similar to what many here have said before - something along the lines of "the best revenge is living well." All you have to do is be the best you can be, and ignore the ones that are making such great mistakes. That is by far the best lesson for them.

Now, having said all that, are you OK now?

SS

SS, thanks for replying. It was not my intention to LB but she caught me off guard. I should have taken the letter out of my ourse and read it to her.

Now I find out that she was going with WH (and probably OW).

Anyway, it's not my intention to hurt her. But to protect myself. And although she's not perfect, she has actually NEVER been a nice person either. So why bother with a person like ethat when she rejects me? I can't help her except by pointing things out clearly and not pretending that nothing is wrong as my mother would have me do.

I am learning to choose what I want for myself. Control my own life, which is what I can do. And not let others impose themselves on me.

Truth is that I think that it will be very very difficult for WH and I to get together again. But getting rid of WH 's family is a great relief. He never bothered much with them and it was always I keeping the relationship with his family. Although I really wasn't very convinced they were people I wantd to be associated with. Now I'm free to choose.

I'm OK. The anger is gone and I have decided I will send her the letter anyway. So she can't ignore the facts.

Really nothing much to update...

My birthday came and went and not a word from WH. The twins birthday came, he sent them flowers but was spending a week at the beach house so he didn't see them.


Work is fine, sometimes exciting, sometimes maddeing but it keeps me on my toes and I really have to be thankful to have the job I have. Actually I consider myself very very lucky and thank God everyday. Instead of putting the radio on in the car I sing my thanks all the way to work!

The Ads are helping because I not at all emotional anymore about WH. I've been able to come to a few conclusions.
1. I think I AM behaving as if he had died. I don't give up being his wife even though he's not around. But I also think that he will never have the guts to come back or admit his mistake. But that does not change MY position. The other day I really had a shock when my SIL suggested I should just accept the situation and behave as though we were divorced because "he's been living with OW for a year" so they are now a couple! I was really pissed and alarmed at the fact that she could accept that, even when I suggested she think what her attitude would be if it were someone in HER family.
Frightening. But a good reminder that only a minority share our beliefs in commitment and marriage.

2. So with this attitude I can only remain in plan B until I am ready to get a divorce. Who knows when that will be.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I know it's not now.

3. WH continues to financially support us.
Dds are still angry with him. They have only partially expressed it yet. They don't want me to talk about WH or the A. Maybe they want to protect me.

Otherwise they are doing OK, back to studying after the holidays.

That's it. Nothing much to report.

I never sent MIL the letter. This coming 25th I have been invited to WH's niece's wedding but I think I won't go. I'll call the parents and tell them I wouldn't feel comfortable and nor would WH or the rest of his family who all enable the A.

I'm actually very relieved to be distanced from WH's family. They are the kind of people it's best to avoid when possible.

Sounds like things are going okay. I'm going on over 3 years, and still not divorced, so don't worry about that. You will know when it is time, if it ever is.

Glad you are avoiding the relatives. I cut out anyone who supported the affair, and don't miss them at all.

Beliver, I think I'm following in your footsteps!

I have comments but not time.
Later.
SS

Hi cc46 -

Thanks for checking in on my posts.......How long is it that you ahve been in Plan B?

Some days I think I can go on with this for quite some time. Others I think that I am wasting my time and holding myself back from pursuing other things(family business, new relationship)

Do you ever feel that way?

Kim

I never felt it was holding me back - except for having another relationship. I've used these 3 years to do a lot of self-examination and changing. My life is so different than before D-day that some days I can't believe it.

The best part is that I have no regrets - probably could have done better on some things, but mostly did my best. Instead of dreading divorce, now I can hardly wait.

Kim,

I've been in plan B for 14 months now. No contact with WH. He has been very respectful of my wishes, however weird that may seem.

I don't feel I'm wasting time. The only thing that you cannot do is date. And I'm not only not ready for that, but I'm not interested. It's like being a widow. I wouldn't be interested in dating yet.

And on the other hand, what better choice is there than to be in plan B? Would I like to interact with a WS? or be frindly with all the enablers? or accept the OW?


No way. I'm much better off defending marriage and fidelity!

Update for any who may be interested.

14 months of plan B with NO CONTACT with WH except a couple of e mails about bills.

It’s unreal. I just don’t feel it’s real yet. It’s like I have this life and the past is a dream, it seems so long ago… I don’t know how I got here.

I’ve been taking Ads for 3 months and they have been good in the sense that I am able to enjoy my job (dream job I NEVER even dreamed I would get) and that I don’t cry anymore. The hurt is there, so is the pain but I don’t feel it. Sounds weird but that’s what I feel.

I’m not over WH in the sense that I think of him every second my mind isn’t occupied in something else, but I don’t miss WH, I sometimes miss my H (I’m not one for missing much) but I do miss my marriage.

I am sure I want nothing to do with WH. I feel absolute revulsion for him. I’m afraid that if I have to see him I’ll puke, it’s that bad.

Now if my husband came back that would be different.

So now I have a life with dds. We’re quite comfortable. I do what I want since they aren’t dependant on me anymore. We get on well. Life is good. They don’t like to talk about WH, they don’t agree with me plan Bing MIL. I’m starting to worry that they have too much anger and resentment for WH still, but then he is wayward and behaves wayward. So even if he doesn’t see them often I don’t mind, as long as he’s wayward. Anyway it’s his problem, not mine.
I just wish I could do something to lessen the pain for dds. But how can I explain those weird behaviours, the fact that he went on holidays several times and never took them or spent time with them (because he’s with OW), he didn’t even bother to come to their birthday etc.

It’s hard to have to just watch.
I try to be consistent, always there for them.

I stay home a lot because it’s what I like to do, I’ve always liked to stay home. So that’s nothing new.

So I’ve been thinking that I’ll wait 2 years in this limbo unless he wants a divorce before that. This is in honor of my vows, of my marriage, of the fact that I’ve loved him for 19 years and that Dr. Harley says that As end in 2 years. Maybe by that time I’ll be more detached.

I have an idea of the kind of marriage I want in the future, whether it is with WH or someone else. And I don’t want anything less than that. I sincerely doubt that WH would be willing to fulfill the requirements, nor would H. So what I’m trying to find out now is why I married him, and why I was willing to continue to be married to him for the rest of my life. There is no rational explanation, but I’m working on it.

It’s funny. I remember reading reasons why it’s best to try to recover your marriage instead of getting a divorce when there is infidelity during the first few weeks of studying this subject after dday. I didn’t keep or copy those reasons, but they convinced me at the time.

Months later, I e mailed Dr. Harley and asked him. Surprisingly he said he couldn’t give me any reasons why it was better. He just told me to hold on for 2 years, by that time I would be divorced or recovered.

I have to solve this too. Are there enough reasons?

I think I’ve learned a lot. I’m learning to stand up for myself and do what I want to do and what I think is right. I’m not avoiding conflict as much.

I have great dreams and I even remember them!

So that’s it. Nothing exciting.

One other thing I would like to comment on is the issue of “respect”. These last few years I’ve noticed that people “respected” me. So did H and so does WH. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been so mean or hurtful about finances and hasn’t tried to force OW on dds. But so far that is the only advantage of being respected that I have noticed in this situation. It hasn’t made the A shorter or less devastating for me.


BTW, are you guys receiving posts from your favorite threads by e mail? I haven't got any for a couple of days now.

CC,

Respect has been your protection. But the WS can't be a good WS (i.e. bad everything else) unless he creates disrespect. So if he is still a Ws, it is just a matter of when.

Btw, recovery comes in 2 types: Personal and marital.

Personal is an individual achievement
Marital requires both to participate.

I know you can achieve the personal one. You can also be a good cotnributor to the marital one but if that doesn't happnen you w/b a jewel in your next R.

Take care of yourself, you are precious. Not many jewels out there..... but a lot of OWs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid.

I am very wary of his probable disrespect. I'm just surprised it hasn't happened yet.

His very A is disrespectful. He just is keeping some of his obligations.

You have a right to reverse babble and make his A life miserable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I'm actually making the most of this peace (plan B) to try to make the best of and for myself. I plan to personally recover. And the rest of my life will be wonderful!

I can't reverse babble because I don't talk to him, nor have I for more than a year! He's making his own life miserable enough, doesn't need any help.

Hi cc46--Good to see that you've still got at least one nostril above the turbulent waves. For myself, I'm attempting to learn how to breathe water! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l