Hi Neak! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


I looooooooooooove the book. I'm nearly finished but am keeping the last few pages for tonight when I go to bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tomorrow I'll take it to my friend. When she gives it back I've already told my dds that they have to read it.

When is your next book coming out????

You are really a fabulous writer! God has blessed you with that gift. I feel sorry that I can't hear you sing! But who knows, maybe some day I will ...


SS,

I've always felt awkward and out of place but then most of my life I have been "different". As a child I was a foreigner... I went to school in USA and England and although my family life was very good it wasn't the same as my school buddies'

The when I came back to this country I was a teenager with a "different" background. Don't forget I've always thought in english, I read in english, etc,

so yes, I'm a lonely sort of person, but thenthat is my name! Loneliness, right Neak? It actually is.

I don't NEED to be sociable although I am when I am "in public" but as I said before, I don't feel the need to go out, or be with others. I need a lot of alone time.

WH just doesn't like people. he's always suspicious of them.
He doesn't HAVE any friends, nor does he need them.


My daughters are just naturally friendly. Thank God. They have all sorts of friends, different sizes shapes ages etc. They manage very well with all of them. What drives me crazy is that they go out most nights...

I don't NEED them, I want to spare them the worst of this. I hope they don't get the impression that it's "normal" or even OK to be unfaithful, in spite of WH's family pretending it's OK. I want them to know that good marriages are possible and they should work towards having one. In a couple of years I'll try to get them to read Dr. Harley's books. At this moment they are not interested, luckily. They are horrified that their cousin is getting married at 23!

Hopefully we will all be going to the wedding in Richmond, Virginia in late august.

About me sounding better, I guess I am. I still have down days, I still haven't solved my problems, but I look forward more than I do to the past. But I'm still projectless...

According to a friend who reads my cards I will solve everything this year. Who knows. I need a purpose I can focus on. As you know I've sudenly had to change positions at work, so I'm a little lost in that area again.

Anyway, I'm focusing on personal recovery, and I need my MB friends for that. I may not write much, but I read a lot.

I've been wondering about Caren lately, she has disappeared.


Went to the psychiatrist today and we decided together that I would start reducing the ads.

The priest hasn't given me an appointment yet. He's busy.
But I'll see him tomorrow and he'll be reminded I'm waiting for him to answer me.

WH is leaving next week on a trip and will be spending his 50th birthday probably in europe.

So, lots of things going on...for me. I'll let you know...

Oh, thank you, CC!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The next one is still under submission, and I should hear back ANY TIME NOW as to whether they're accepting it. If they do, it will either come out this next February or the one after, and if they don't accept it I will self-publish. So I'll let you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll vouch for your 'lonely' name. Is that what you go by, rather than your first name? I wasn't sure, so I played it safe.

many girl names in spanish are preceded by maria, so one usually goes by the second one.

what's the second book about?

Oh. I never knew that.

The second one tells the rest of the story from Malchus. The two stories are very much intertwined, but the second one deals with the disciple Peter (and what the angels were doing, too.)

I'm looking forward to it!

Smooches! Such eagerness is like music to any author's ears! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I guess I'm going to go and vacuum some more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

An update about plan B.

Yesterday I went for my monthly visit to the psychiatrist. Mostly we talked about my job problem but he asked about WH and I told him about the "meeting". He was very surprised that WH had approached me.

Then last night I got an e mail. I had written WH about some oney of my mother's that she has asked for a couple of days agoand he hadn't answered so I sent a one sentence e mail saying I would appreciate an answer.

He wrote that he was sorry he hadn't answered but that he had just seen both e mails since he was "too busy" whether I believed it or not and explained that he would obviously go get the money for my mother and also send the money to pay my brother because "I should know" that he always paid his debts.

I couldn't help myself. I wrote back saying that of course I didn't know because I had no idea who he was, that he was not the person I had known as a husband. How could I know him?

Anyway, maybe if he's not too busy he'll read it some time today.

SS,

since you might look at this thread I want to post the words of this Shania Twain song that I hope decribes me at this stage.

Still Under The Weather


My first lesson in losing a love was you
Learning to live with your memory was lesson number two
And I can't lie, baby
I still cry sometimes
But I've come a long way
Towards gettin' you out of my mind

Chorus:
I'm still under the weather
But I'm over the storm
I still miss the shelter
Of your loving arms
But what I thought would kill me
Has just made me strong
I'm still under the weather
But I'm over the storm

Sometimes your memory still gets the best of me
But that lonely ache in my heart
Ain't as bad as it used to be
And sometimes the way that I'm feelin'
Inside doesn't show
But I know
I'll get over you, I've just got a long way to go

(Repeat Chorus)

I'm still under the weather
But I'm over the storm


I love it.

Now I have an office to myself I've recorded a whole lot of my favorite songs and listen to music the 6 hours I'm at work. It is on the one hand a joy, but on the other if affects me a lot, so I'm not sure it's a good thing.

A couple of days ago we were having lunch with the girls and they asked about an antique writing desk that is on the floor and what was in it. I said I didn't know because I haven't opened it for ages but since we're looking for a place to hide money and this desk has a secret drawer we opened it.

Among the many papers, letters, notes and pictures which have been there forever we found 2 letters WH wrote to me in 1985. I didn't even remember they existed. What a shock!

Anyway, now I have a way to start crying when I need to!
He's going away for a couple of weeks tomorrow and will spend his 50th birthday somewhere in teh world probably with OW. I'll remember him that day.

It's interresting the songs people associate themselves with. (This is just a statement of interrest, not any kind of judgement.)

I can understand how you identify with this one, it does seem to tell it like it is.



Now I have an office to myself I've recorded a whole lot of my favorite songs and listen to music the 6 hours I'm at work. It is on the one hand a joy, but on the other if affects me a lot, so I'm not sure it's a good thing.

You can change what you listen to. There are things we like, that remind us of things that hurt. But I am sure there are also uplifting and beautiful songs that will inspire in ways that won't affect you so deeply.
What do you like to listen to?
Or what type of music?

That's not really a fair question, because I suspect like many of us, you listen to different things at different times depending on what you are doing, and where you are. Just laugh and do the best you can with it.

Speaking of the desk -
Among the many papers, letters, notes and pictures which have been there forever we found 2 letters WH wrote to me in 1985. I didn't even remember they existed. What a shock!

Anyway, now I have a way to start crying when I need to!

So you are still a long ways from being over him. This is where I can't provide much help. I have not been through this, and I find myself hopeing I never experiance it. (Even in death......... I hope we go close together.)

From reading on MB for about 4 years, it seems like it does take the two years to get over it. You still have some ways to go, too bad it can be done by flipping a switch. Though, if that were the case, it wouldn't mean as much as it does to all of us. No, I think it has to be this way. How about you?

So you will remember him on his B day. How do you feel on your own Birthday?

Feelings are so important. The world would be a dreary place without them. It's necessarry to endure the bad, so that when the good comes, we have a way to judge. My belief is that there will be much good yet in your future, but as your other thread teaches, you may as well find things to enjoy daily even now. Is it working for you?

Often I wish to go back and comment on other things you have said, but that I have had no time to comment on yet.

Of necessity other things sometimes prevent that - but you would not be ignored on purpose.

Thinking of our faults, and failings -
This other thread of yours is full of wisdom. I hope it is having an effect on the way you see yourself. It is true that we make mistakes, but we are never responseible for the actions of others, they make their own choices. As I have read the words, I have been hoping that you take the stated truths into your heart. Often it is, that people are better than they believe. I think this is true for you.

We all have a long way to go, I hope you have joy in the journey.

SS

Iliked that song since I first heard. It just seems very appropriate now.

I don't think I'll ever "get over him". Somehow we were connected in a strange way. The letters only confirmed that, which is what made me cry. You see, in all the years I've jnown him WH has said very little about his feelings. And I didn't insist. It might sound strange, but since he nver did, from the very very beginning, I had to take him like that or nothing!

When I met him he had just ended a 7 year relationship. He never told me why he ended it or what it was like or anything. I would ask, and he would just say "I don't know" or "I don't want to talk about it". A few months later he got together with that girlfriend and forgot to tell me!

Even after we had been together for 2 years and eventually married he never wanted to talk about her, his relationship with her or anything that had to do with feelings.

So converstaion isn't one of his strong points, and yet I feel connected to him even now. And I have done an excellent plan B not seeing him for practically 16 months! So I don't know if I will ever be indifferent to him. On the other hand I didn't feel much when I saw him a couple of weeks ago.

On the other hand I can truthfully tell you that if he turned up at the door and asked me if he could come back I would say no, thank you. I would be willing to start again, dating and getting to know each other, but I would not let him into my life just like that.

About the other thread, I also find it very interesting. I started posting it because I write it for my sister and send it to her by e mail everyday. I hope to brighten her up. I'm an optimistic person, she's usually the opposite, so I hope to give her positive things to think about. And I'm enjoying them too. I only read the one that is for that day.

I also enjoy going to Church everyday, or nearly everyday and I find something interesting to think about there too. I usually feel calmer after Mass.

I'm still in a lot of turmoil, but at least I think I am starting to enjoy lots of new things and people. I still miss having a life plan. I haven't anything to focus on for the future. I've just lost my dream job and am in an uncomfortable position. I can't defend myself against the accusations because they were informal and I can't complain because I have been "promoted", have a les stressful job, same salary...

Actually patience is what I'm working on at this moment. I have to have patience with my job, patience wating for the priest to have time to talk to me, patience for the 2 years to be over as Dr. Harley told me, or for WH to divorce me...

I have to be patient. I never have been, so this is a new experience. So far, I am in awe of how patient I am being!

About music... most of it is about love. Julio Iglesias has one song about food, and I hate it.
I wonder how many songs are written about dogs or sports or cars?

cc - Don't feel too bad about the job. I know it bothers you, but that is the way things go.

At my work, we got a new supervisor who is a very hard worker. The lazy people started complaining about him, and organized a meeting behind his back. At the meeting, I was the only one that stuck up for him.

He works hard all day long, and has done wonderful things for the hospital, and only expects the others to do the same.

I did speak to the director before the meeting and let him know the real story. My boss is still there. Some of the lazy people have left, so it is getting better. But it is very draining because this has been going on for almost a year.

Thanks Believer. That's what happened to me. I worked twice as hard as everyone else. But I really enjoyed it! There was so much to do!

Now I'm a spectator. Again.

I have to be patient and hope that some interesting job will come along. At the moment I'm doing some planning which may result in other interesting things.

I can't see myself working with these people ever again. So I don't think I could ever go back to that job unless they were mostly all replaced. And that is not very probable.

I'm not that affected by this job loss, at least not yet. I feel that lots more things have to happen...

But all these things add up... and rejection in every aspect of my life sometimes gets to me...

Yep, one more rejection. But that is to be expected, especially if you are a high achiever.

I wasn't used to so much rejection!!!!

Shouldn't get used to it either.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep. Dreams are great!

Hi CC,
Hope you are well.

I'm still in a lot of turmoil, but at least I think I am starting to enjoy lots of new things and people.

I see this as good.
When you are alone in the evenings, and you think, what do you think about?

I still miss having a life plan. I haven't anything to focus on for the future.

Are you too afraid to think about it yet?

Once your life plan was to grow old with H, and now it's all changed so you haven't made a new one?

I've just lost my dream job and am in an uncomfortable position. I can't defend myself against the accusations because they were informal and I can't complain because I have been "promoted", have a les stressful job, same salary...

You don't enjoy this job as much as the other one?

Actually patience is what I'm working on at this moment. I have to have patience with my job, patience wating for the priest to have time to talk to me, patience for the 2 years to be over as Dr. Harley told me, or for WH to divorce me...

I have to be patient. I never have been, so this is a new experience. So far, I am in awe of how patient I am being!

When I read you never had been patient, I was shocked.

It doesn't go with you not pressing H to talk, or the fact that he never has been vocal about his feelings. I see that (you letting him alone) as being very patient. I suspect you longed to talk sometimes.

About music... most of it is about love. Julio Iglesias has one song about food, and I hate it.
I wonder how many songs are written about dogs or sports or cars?

Love is something most of us find important. I suspect song writers know that - and they have feelings too.

Hmmm, dogs, sports, and cars.

It would be easier on your heart, but you proablby wouldn't listen to them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Life plans ....... start with life dreams.

Discussion?

SS

SS,

I don't think you'll like the answers to your questions.

1. I don't have a job. I only have a position. I don't have anything to do and whatever I do do, nobody cares about. My name and person has meen smeared and I have no way to defend them because I haven't been accused of anything. I'm supposed to trust a guy I've barely spoken to twice because a middleman (my boss) says he appreciates me.

2. I don't have a lifelan. I don't think ahead. I ahve nothing to base my plan on: no money, no job and basically no dependants. My mother is 82 and not in great health so she may go any moment. My daughters are basically independant, they don't NEED me now.

3. I don't have any purpose in life, and I can't find any. I'm just surviving. I'm patient, hoping that some day I'll find a new one.

3. I think about many things, I always do. But none seems very important. I don't seem to care.

4. I guess outwardly it's not very obvious, so no one pays much attention to me.

5. I'm not afraid. I do get frightened by things, but that only lasts a few hours at the most.

6. I don't want to cause anyone harm, or sorrow. If it weren't for dds, and my mother I would just quit my job and leave. And start a new life doing whatever. Anything.

SS,

I don't think you'll like the answers to your questions.

It's not a like/not like situation.

It's finding a baseline. A starting point.
God doesn't intend for you to just sit, and wait out your life.
I don't think you want to do that either.

So - a starting point.

1. I don't have a job. I only have a position. I don't have anything to do and whatever I do do, nobody cares about. My name and person has meen smeared and I have no way to defend them because I haven't been accused of anything. I'm supposed to trust a guy I've barely spoken to twice because a middleman (my boss) says he appreciates me.

What do you see as your options now?
I realize you mentioned leaving, and doing something else.
Anything besides that?
Of those options, are there any that appeal to you?

- To be continued -
I have to leave work now.
Same time, same station.

CC, if it seems hopeless, remember it never is.
Tomorrow is another day - lets HELP you find joy in the journey.

SS

cc - It will get better. I promise you that. Before D-day, I was a mom to 8 and a wife. That was my whole life.

I'm now a completely different person now. Even my family and friends comment on it.

It took 3 years, but I'm happier than ever now.

Don't worry.


I don't care.

I can't leave. I don't have any money. if it were only me it wouldn't matter. There are no possibiliti of any job in ther places. I don;t think I have any options better than this.

Thanks Believer. I know it can take 3 years, 5, 10 or forever. It may get better or it may get worse.

I'm glad you are happy. I think your recovery is great. Enjoy your beans!