SS, you asked for an upate so here goes.

Yes, thanks. I wondered how you were.

It's a good quiet but some "things" are going on. Nothing spectacular like Georgia's life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> but small signs of who knows what result!

Spectacular is in the eye of the beholder. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
From reading, it looks like you are making good personal progress. I wish he was. Perhaps he is, but it's hard to tell when they are living with someone else. That clouds things - and this is an understatement.

A few background notes: during may WH traveled with OW to Europe, for a three day work conference but a 21 trip all over Europe. We don't have many details because it was "secret" of course! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Of course. He can take his trip, but you can't take yours. I'm sure he sees that as being perfectly fair. It's probably good you didn't say anything about that.
About the money for tickets to the wedding:
I took my time and wrote him back sayng that I would never touch any of the money (not saying "our" "your" etc) without his agreement since he was still the head of the family (thank you Orchid), that we were trying to live the way HE determined we should with what he culd give us but of there was any problem to please let me know.
I told him I disagreed about the trip being for fun and unnecessary since family was very important for us and my sister and neice have no family in USA so it was very important for all of us to be there.

I think you did a good job with this very difficult situation. I don't know if I could have nearly so respectful. Hmmm - but then, you are doing so well in so many ways. At least it looks like it to me. Remember that when I say this, I know your feelngs are sometimes not the best, but you do the correct thing, and that's what is important. It's how you act and how you treat people that in the end makes such a big difference.

Since he had signed off very coldly, I asked him what I deserved to be treated like a stranger, when after all I was still his wife and we were still his family. I reminded him that legally he could change that, if that was what he wanted.

This last is soooo good. Be polite, but remind him how things are. You did such a good job with that.

The following morning he brought over a check for 1/3 of the cost of the tickets (I paid them anyway and hope he will send me the rest in a month).

Does it affect you to see him? Or did he just drop it off, and there was no personal contact?
Your feelings when you see him in person would be kind of an indicator of how attached you are to him now. I know this is personal - I hope I don't stir up feelings you wish to leave alone.



The following day he was seeing the girls so I sent him 30 dollars to cover some books I had bought with his credit card, a fact I had mentioned in my answer.

I didn't think much about this, but you are still joined in many ways. You must still trust him.

The result was that he sent the 30 dollars back with the message that I should use them for our trip, he was also greatly concerned about my car which was in the mechanics and sent the message that he would pay for it.

I thanked him thru e mail and he immediatly answered with a request for me to speak to DD3 about some plans he has which he doesn't agree with and asking if my car had been repaired and how much it cost!

He still shows some concern. I wonder if you see it as hopeful? I wish it would translate into him repenting, and returning to the marriage. I don't read anything into it really. His other actions don't show progress.

This is the first time he has tried to discuss a problem with DDs in all this time!

You are seeing things I can't, because you have a history with him. It's good for DD's for him to take a greater interest, it would be so much better if he was with you co-parenting. Do DD's ever comment on their feelings for him?


This was all these last few days. Today dd3 who is still extremely angry with him, was going to the seaside for a few days and WH came to pick her up at 7 am to have breakfast alone with her before she leaves and give her money etc.
How did that breakfast go?

I hope DD's are happy, and doing well. I hope their mother is also.

So something is happening... let's hope it's a good thing.

I can't see all that you see. (As I said above.) Do you have a theory as to the cause of his changes?

Can you see a trend, or was it just for a few days?

Lately I'm VERY CALM about everything. I have no anxiety at all, no nervousness. I don't expect anything.

I see a difference in you. You don't seem so worried. You do sound more calm, and you seem to have faith that your future can be happy no matter what. God can do that for us. I think he had good material to work with though - so it might have been easier for him in this case.

At work things may be changing too, although nobody says anything to me. I'm still in the same position... but something will happen soon. I have a work trip coming up and when my ex employees realize that I am going (if I go) it will produce great anger. If I don't go I will know what the authorities are up to. Either way I'm in the position of "God's will be done", I'm not interfering.

The curiousity in me wants to know why they will be angry. The respectful polite part of me says not to inquire.

Is this something you want to do?

I'm busy and happy and all those other things happening around me I don't try to find out about and let them work themselves out. I'm in plan B after all....protecting myself.

If you take care of the spiritial parts of your life, God tends to take care of the rest in many cases. Without my faith, I would be so lost. I have had so much help, so many times. I hope you are feeling the help and know you are loved and watched over.

You are a blessing to your older friends. I hope they properly appriciate you. I am glad you visit and help them. At that age, visits from others are cherished.

We had a good camping trip. I haven't posted much about it, and I didn't take many photos. Spent lots of time playing with the grand kids and talking to my sons and daughters. It is rewarding to spend time with family when you can really spend personal one on one time.

I hope the wedding trip does that for you and your DDs.

You answered my questions aout how you are doing emotitionally. I see a much more confident and happy person now. Still........ don't be afraid to dream.

SS

Hi, cc46 (or should it be cc48, now?)--

Nothing of importance. Just wanted to say hi, and to tell you I've got a t-shirt for you, if you'll just tell me your size (approximately). Dinky. Middling. Um, not dinky. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

T&l thanks for dropping in. I guess I'm a medium... I'm thinking of visiting you for a day but I have to check on flights and prices.... I'lllet you know. There's time. I won't bein USA till august. I have another trip to a southamerican country before that, which I'm concentrating on right now. My mind can't manage too many trips.


SS,

let me try to answer some of your questions.



I didn't see him, I was at work.

I still feel very attached to him but I'm happy not to be in the middle of the situation he is in. I'm happy to be me.
I've only seen him face to face once in these 18 months or so and I was on the phone, so I didn't talk to him.

That's fine with me, I don't feel like seeing him at all. I still feel disgusted. As long as he is living with or in contact with OW that's what I feel.

But I'm still and in some ways will always be his wife. I'm afraid I can't let go of my vows, even if it sounds silly. But they are MY VOWS and not his. He can do what he wants with his.





I'm only relieved that he isn't getting more indifferent, rather he seems to be trying to get more involved. At least we can say that he's not detaching more.

He still gets most of his mail here.

When I suggested to DDs that they ask him if he would be willing to have the house keys while we are all gone, so he cancome get the bills and answer if the alarm should go off, one of them answered she would TELL him and that then he could take the rest of his stuff out. This is the one DD who hadn't really actively expressed her anger at him yet, so it seems that all 3 have decided that he's never coming back.

I think that we still have to wait for the full 2 years Dr. Harley recommends before we decide that this A is an exception to the rule. I'm willing to wait. Plan B suits me just fine. It does have incoveniences but I'm not feeling so trapped anymore.

Unfortunately most of what I have learned in MB is not applicable here. People prefer to ignore As and pretend they are not happening. Lots of other things that you guys take for granted in USA don't exist in this society. Although I believe that those "basic human rights" should exist I don;t find much echo here. Everyone just shrugs and behaves as though it were just a dream.

I'll be glad to get a breath of first world country... I think I need it to regain my strength. I am now looking forward to these trips which allow me to shed all my burdens at the airport and be a free spirit...

I'm tired tonight but I'll re read your post tomorrow and see if I missed anything.

Good Morning cc -

It sounds like you're doing really well. I'm glad you've reached a place of peace and contentment in your life. Who knows about WH, maybe his shell is beginning to crack?

I noticed the comment about me. I'm going to have to sit down real soon and right out a lengthy explanation to everyone. I just really felt like I needed to kind of determine if this is or isn't going to be a relationship, and I was kind of gun shy about getting input from too many folks all at one time. I've found that my pastor is able to offer excellent advice and I'm leaning heavily on him right now.

I'm going to be in Virginia on business for the next 3 days. This trip is going to kind of be a combination vacation / business all in one. I'm going to come back home via the Blue Ridge Parkway (scenic drive down the Appalacian Mountains). Hopefully it'll be cool enough I can put the top down and enjoy the drive.

I'll check back in on you later.

Georgia

Hi FGG,

My comment about you is because I really envy you your freedom, both financial and personal since you are divorced and not catholic. I also envy the fact that your pastor really cares about you!

I don't have those blessings but I have done as much as I could to recover and I'm very thankful to MB because otherwise it would really have been terrible. I don't feel "recovered" yet, part of the reason being that I am not divorced and therefore WH seems to have some reason for staying in the marriage. He just hasn't ever told me it and it's a mystery to me, considering that he has been living with OW for a year and a half and apparently she has even taken to wearing a wedding ring! so they must pretend to be married in some places.

Anyway, the 2 years are not yet up. I have to be patient to find out the end of the saga...

Have a good trip.

And you don't have to explain anything if you don't want to.You seem to manage fine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> without us. But we do like to know how you are doing every now and then... don't forget us.

It would be very exciting to have you visit. But I've got to ask you a couple of questions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> How tidy are you? Does a little ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) mess bother you? Could you pretend you were camping? Indoors. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

t&l

T&L, you crack me up.

Still following along CC. Many of the things you mentioned (that you are still unsetteled about) are the same things I have concern about (for you.) We'll travel along with you, and see how things go.

SS

Patience, SS, patience .... I trust Dr. Harley.

I wonder if we can get a travel report if we ask really, really, really nice?

Please?

Thinking of other ways to get you to talk.......

SS

Hi SS,

I've been following everyone's adventures but I'm quite busy since I got back and a little lazy still. I will make an effort and post an update soon. Maybe I can find a little time at work and start writing....

No rush - but wanted you to know we are interested.

WOULD NOT want you to think we didn't care.

I've been waiting impatiently (typed with a BIG smile.)

Hope you are happy, and well.

SS

I guess I should do this…. (grinning ´cause I´m so lazy about writing)

The main purpose of the trip was being at my niece´s wedding. She´s the first in our close family to get married and also my goddaughter plus I was overdue to take some days off (I hadn´t had holidays for 3 years!). Plus my mother usually goes to USA to visit her 2 sons and daughters every 2 years.

My mother, 1DD and I travelled the day after the “bomb plot” was discovered in GB so airports were a little more complicated than usual. We barely made the last flight, but we got to Virginia as planned. The first two weeks were dedicated to preparing the wedding, picking up the other 2DDs who arrived a week later, shopping (our favourite pastime when in USA) and knitting! Yes, all 7 of us undertook knitting projects! We also chatted and laughed a lot which was good for everyone. It must have been a good holiday because for me one day blended into another and there never seems to have been a boring moment.
We visited the oldest plantation in USA I think it is: Shirley Plantation. Wasn´t worth it, in my opinion. That´s about all the tourism we did, because my mother is not particularly interested and tires easily.

The wedding was over in a flash. The bride looked gorgeous and everyone had fun. We were in charge of filming and taking pictures. I believe we managed to do it right because we ended up with around 700 pictures! Then it was pick up time, time to start packing bags, seeing 2 DDs off (they came home) and finally my mother, 1 DD and I went for a week to Miami.
There we visited with my 2 brothers. A friend of one of them lent us a condo on Miami Beach. It was wonderful! Unfortunately it rained all week and we barely made it to the beach once in the evening. My brother who was 46 the day after our arrival and single let me fix the stuff in his cupboards! That is a major event since he hates anyone interfering with his house and setup. He´s a great host and made us wonderful meals, took us shopping of course (I think he´s a compulsive buyer) and made us laugh a lot.
One afternoon my other brother picked us up and we spent the afternoon at his house. The traffic is really terrible in Miami!
His children are doing fine although it´s so sad to see the 2 who are severely disabled. But they have a lot of help and are much better off in that sense than they would be if they were here.
The kids had just recently started school.
So all in all it was a great holiday. Quite peaceful. The day we got back, my youngest DD was playing hockey and had an allergic crisis for the first time. Luckily there was an ambulance present and they took care of her because she needed intravenous medication to stop it. She called WH to go get her, so when I woke up from my “arrival “ nap he called DD to tell her about it and that would bring her home. A while later they arrived and he came up to tell us what had happened and the medication she had to take etc.
I was a bit surprised that he would come in, but I guess it was justified. Since then I haven´t heard from him, but he is calling and seeing DDs much more frequently. They are a bit “bothered” by so much attention.
One week into my holiday I got an e mail from work saying that because a person had behaved badly they were going to demote her and appoint me! Then 2 days later I got another e mail saying I had been appointed but they were going to wait until I got back to make the changes. I had no intention of cutting short my holidays. Since I got back my boss is too busy to do much so I still haven´t got that position, not that I´m looking forward to it because it will be messy and I will be blamed even though I had nothing to do with the whole thing. It´s not an area I particularly like nor have I ever worked, but it is interesting (anything can be interesting if you want it to be) and I may be able to travel a bit, so we´ll see what the future holds for me.
These holidays I didn’t have much time to read, which is surprising for me. Guess we had too many other things to do. But I did read the 2 books that follow Scott Peck´s The road less travelled. I find him fascinating. They have given me a lot to think about.

I hope my asking doesn't upset you.

You should know that we DO care.

It's interesting to me that many of your family live so far away. Do you ever consider moving? I can guess you would like to say close to your mother.

I'm not much for some kinds of sight seeing either. On the other hand, I do like to get out in the country and see nice views. Fun to spend time with people too, when they are enjoyable to be with. (Like T&L, and I would guess you would be also.)

Knitting?
My W likes to have something for her hands to do, and our daughters are learning too. I thought they were the only ones. That's funny in a cool sort of way.

Thanks, it's so interesting to hear how things went for you. It's good to travel, but it's usually good to be home again too. Did you feel that way?

Did you get ENOUGH time to think?

Too much?

Hope work goes well for you. Can you turn this new thing down, or you would you have to take it?

I should get back to work - Thanks again.

SS