I don't know how else to put it. I trust what he's saying and doing now, but not the stuff he's told me about the past. I am pretty sure he is no longer engaging in an affair. He has done everything possible to make it up to me and I think we're doing very well. The problem is, I'm fairly sure he's still concealing things about his emotional affair. We've been over it a million times and his story has a few holes, but I don't feel he'll ever admit lying about those things so I gave up lovebusting. However, I'm still left with the feeling that he knows something I don't. So how do you deal with trusting them NOW but not about what happened in the past? There's no way I'll ever know unless he tells me, and I feel I can't move on until he does own up to these things (which may or may not be true -- I've lost my ability to be objective).<P>How can I put these thoughts out of my mind? I hate the idea that he's hiding things to protect me and himself, when the truth would be a lot easier to take than this eternal wondering.

Christalle, thats a VERY good question. I wish I knew the answer but I don't think there is one. I have asked myself that over and over again and have come to the conclusion that it gets me no wheres to wonder about it. I had to decide that I was committed to working on our current relationship and that there are some things I had to let go of and that was one of them! Either way, it's difficult and I pray for all of us that ask that quesion.....eventually the thought process makes you decide that there is no good answer to it and what difference would it make in your current situation? God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Hi Cristalle, good morning.<BR>Don't despair. Sometimes it takes time untill they can talk about it and completely uncover what happened. It's just part of a self-defense mechanism. And if you start pushing chances are not only you want get the answers you need, but things won't feel as good for both of you.<BR>What I did was to write down all the questions I felt Ineeded answers to. Everytime I remember some more I would just add it to the rest.And kept them untill I found that he was opening up and more ready to answer them. I felt more in control this way, knowing that those questions were going to be answered at a later time, and writing them down made me look at them differently. <BR>Sometimes I would try asking one and see how he was reacting ( my H was extremelly defensive about that for a long time ) , if it didn't feel right, I would just back of for a little while longer. When finally he was ready to answer a funny thing happenned, many of the questions that seemed so important to me at the time I wrote them, were not important anymore. I couldn't care less about the answer, it didn't matter to me anymore since by then I had already put the affair in the past. But some were still important. I gave him the notebook, and asked him to read and answer, after I marked down which ones I really needed an answer and the ones that weren't that important anymore. He wrote down his answers ( more confortable by writing, less fear ) and after I read them we talked about it some. It was good that I waited because by them most of the anger and need for confrontation ( on my part) and defensiveness ( on his ) was either gone, or on its way to be gone.<BR>If you can, try this. It will make you feel less powerless.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi Kat <P>I've done that, and he has come clean with many many things...but not admitting that he had feelings for her. He insists he only felt sorry for her and obligated to her, because she was listening to his problems and he was listening to hers. He won't admit wanting to leave me for HER, only that he wanted to leave to be alone. Sorry, I don't buy that. There's no way he would have participated in 6 months of secret chatting, phone calls, pícture exchanges, running into work to talk to her privately and deception -- just out of pity. No way at all. All I want him to admit that he had feelings and that he was interested in getting together with her. And he won't. <P>I don't get it, when he can admit the calls, the pics, the chatting! Why not admit what was behind it? I know he just doesn't want to hurt me, or he's actually blocked it, who knows? But why can't he just admit it? I told him the truth couldn't be more painful than all this wondering. And when he rambles on about how he's trustworthy NOW and it's all in the PAST and why do I want to ruin NOW, well that only makes me even more suspicious.<P>I mailed him what Dr. Harley had to say on the subject of honesty today...hopefully that will make him see...or maybe only start another fight about why I won't let it go!<P>Kat, I've tried everything! Writing the questions down, asking them respectfully, begging, pleading, asking coolly (all at different times of course). I feel like he's only keeping this last bit of information from me because he thinks I might leave if I find out he had feelings for another woman. But it's what I imagine anyway!!! Isn't it nicer to just put the person out of their misery?? I know I'm going to wonder about this until I'm in the grave, because his story just doesn't add up. I mean, is it possible for him to have chatted with her for those reasons? You should hear his excuses for the things he's done:<P>1. Yeah, I called her, but I thought she was going to kill herself. (She didn't even discuss the problems once they got on the phone, acted quite normally he said, so why call back FOUR MORE TIMES?)<P>2. I sent her an out-of-focus picture that she bugged me for, and she didn't like that one so I had to send her a closeup -- yeah, that one i cut you out of. Why did I cut you out? Well, I didn't think you'd want people you didn't know to see you.<P>3. I didn't tell her I was married because I don't tell anyone on the net I was married. But when she told me she was in love with me, I told her I was married (OW denies this, btw).<P>4. I felt really sorry for her and she was so upset that I felt obligated to go talk to her when I was at work. The times I didn't have to be at work? Well, i caught up on work while talking to her. It's not like I went in expressly to talk to her.<P>5. I didn't tell you all these details at first because I knew you'd blow it up into a big thing, and it wasn't. (No, I suppose sneaking around for 6 months and lying your face off isn't a big thing).<P>6. She's lying when she says I wanted to run off to Paris with her. She's only making that up to hurt you. I never wanted to even meet her, let alone run off with her. (Why have I seen logs to the contrary??)<P>7. I never said I loved her, and I wasn't in love with her. Ok, I said it but I didn't mean it and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Actually I meant it as a friend.<P>See what I mean? And this has taken 9 months to pull out of him. When it comes to an admission of actually having feelings, I think that I'm beating my head against a brick wall.<P>He'll never tell the truth, that's obvious. But how can I live with that?<P>Sorry for ranting, I just got all riled up there.

Cristalle, I think he's trying to convince himself more than you. <BR>He might be at the stage were he wishes it would have ever happened.He doesn't feel goos with what he did, and yes he's scared that the more he tells you more the chance that you can give up and leave. For a long time my H only wanted it to go away, not have to think about it, not have to deal with it just blank it out. I know a lot of betrayeres that did the same, so I'm guessing it's normal.<BR>I'm also familiar with the need to know, althout I had only a mild case of it . It depends on you, however. Do you feel that knowing al those tings will have any positive impact in the situation as it is now?Will it help you to focus onyour present and future together or will it only be more baggage to deal with that might interfere with the process. Regardless of what he says you probably can assume that yes he did feel that he loved her - even if he doesn't admit it even to himself -, that yes he might have felt like he wanted to go somewhere with her - Paris sounds good -, that yes he probably wanted to give her his picture, and of course he wouldn't send her a picture with you on it, and yes he called her because he wanted to talk with her, not for any other reasons.. Will know that for sure make a difference? <BR>His views of right and wrong, that were blessfully absent while the affair was on, are probably back in place now, and he has trouble accepting the things the way they were, it's easier for him to believe the things the way he's telling them to you so they don't collide with his sense of what's right. <BR>I'm not sure of waht to tell you. For me it was clear that the rebuilding was the part that I wanted to focus more than anything ( this doesn't mean I didn't have questions, mind you ) so I didn't have that much problem dealing with this stage. And as I said after things were on the right track somethings didn't make much of a difference anymore.I don't rememeber if I ever asked him if he loved her. Why? it was obvious that he felt he did. However, since everyone of us is different, certain things might be more important to you than they were to me. <BR>If you feel you can't be without answers you have to convey to him how these "blanks" are preventing you from getting on with the rebuilding business- but that might backfire because he might just create some truth that he thinks you want to hear, and believe ithimself tomake it worse -. You can try asking him to write you a letter, explaining all the things you need explaining. The reason I suggest that is because in this case he won't be looking at you, watching your face closely for signs of how what he's saying is affecting you - and changing course if it looks bad - or fearing you will interrupt with a comment. This might give him the concentration to think about what happened.<BR>Other than that I don't know. When people fear something, they self-defense mechanisms are know to alter the truth even to themselves, and this seems more the case of your h, since after all he already told you most of it. So those blanks seem to be there for him too, he doesn't want to believe he could do such a thing.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.