CN, I've been thinking about you, wondering how you are. Very recently I've been thinking about people on MB who have especially helped me along the way. You know I count you as one of them, whether you realize it or not. You have been one of the few FWHs here who was willing to read what I'm sure were difficult posts from me. I know you have a huge conscience so it must not have been easy for you hearing my pain. But some of your words to me I can still remember and really made a difference in my life. So your post was very good timing.
Don't have any great words of wisdom here. These As knock the wind out of both the BS and FWS. I guess I just have an observation about another way you helped me. I think my H is very similar to you in his huge disappointment and disgust with himself over what he did to me. Forgive me if that isn't how you feel, but I think I've gotten that from your posts. You helped me understand in my limited way why H might be slow returning to our M because of his own turmoil about what he had done. Just recently he acknowledged that maybe he has been slow giving me certain things I've needed, not because he doesn't love me, but because he doesn't love himself because of what he did. "How can I love you if I don't love myself?"
You have also helped me get a glimpse of what an A does to the FWS. That's a hard one for me to grasp, so my empathy level isn't that great for H concerning his pain. But somehow when you have voiced it it's easier for me to see it. He has told me very similar things to what you have written.
Basically I want to tell you this, which doesn't have much to do with your post. Sorry! I struggle with how my H, who was I believe a very good man, could have done something so wrong, and treated me so badly. I still haven't put those pieces together yet. However, I look at you, who did the same thing as H(minus the dad dying situation, which was extra bad), and I truly think of you as a good man. I don't have a doubt that you are remorseful. I'm pretty sure you wish you hadn't walked down the A path. You have taken the knowledge that you gained from your bad choice to help BSs and WSs alike. So I'll say it again. I look at you as a good man who did a bad thing. And because I can look at you in that way, it gives me hope that one day I will be able to see my H in the same way.
I hope you find peace and happiness again. Heck, I hope I do to. I think both H and I realize that it took some spiritual help(whatever you want to call it) to keep us together, and we'll need that help to ultimately heal us if that's meant to be. Take care friend! CV
