Hello to you all,<P> Of course first and foremost, I have to thank everyone here at this web site for helping through the most difficult time in my life. Without this web site and the people and books, I would not have made it to where I am today. Where is that you ask ?? <P>Well today I started Plan B, She of course knew it was coming thanks to this website and the book that I gave her ( SAA ). Almost makes me think that she pushed me into it by doing stuff that she knew would make me go to Plan B. It doesn't matter, I am doing it for me. I gave her the following letter today and also confronted her boyfriend and gave him a copy. No fists, no yelling, no nothing. Just walked up to him and handed it to him. It goes like this...<P>"Dearest *Wife*,<P> It is with a heavy heart that I sit here writing this letter to you. It is truly sad what has happened to us and our marriage. The direction that I must go now is not one of choice but of necessity. Let me explain.<P> I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those. What I have<BR>been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and I have learned from them so<BR>that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that has made your affair possible. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you. The hand holding, the hugs, and the snuggling in the mornings to name a few. I now see the things that I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important that was to us.<P>I now know. <P> The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and<BR>emptiness that I experience on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving<BR>grace is the thought of us being together and happy again some day. Unfortunately, I find now that is slowly being shattered as well. Before I lose that thought completely I must take some drastic steps.<P> *Wife*, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and<BR>closer than we ever thought possible. I simply cannot do this until you end your<BR>relationship with *boyfriend*. You must know and realize about the pain and suffering that I have endured because of your relationship with him. <P> I simply cannot endure this pain anymore and for that reason I cannot see you or speak to you as long as you are seeing him. <P> You know that I love more than life itself and that I want to be your best friend<BR>and a husband that any woman would be proud to have. However, this simply is not<BR>possible while you are seeing him or anyone else. Should there need to be any communication between us it will have to be through a mutual friend of your choice or<BR>via the USPS. <P> *Wife*, I do not know what the future hold for us, That is in Gods hands. I know that I want to grow old with you. When I said “I DO,” I made a promise in front of God, you, our family and friends for life. <P>Through better or worse. <P> I want us to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each<BR>others needs and avoid hurting each other. I want everything that we do to make us both<BR>happy so that there will be no need for us to separate again. I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover. I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. <P> As soon as you are willing to separate completely from your “friendship” with *boyfriend* , I will be willing to discuss our future together. <P>Your husband and “The man in love with you”<P>*Rutger*<P><BR>So friends, There you have it. Plan B has started. I also find that it may be time for me to leave this website for awhile for 2 reasons. One because I feel like that I am not "Marriage Building" The sole purpose of this place. And two, Because I know that my Wife is lurking and not posting. If this is to be a true Plan B, Then she must not know what I am doing and how I am doing. I think that is the point of Plan B, For me to not exsist in her life. And for me to move ahead somewhat. <P>She leaves me little choice. Some time apart will do us both good. I will continue to seek the support of my friends and family during this. I know that plan b will be really hard but in order to save my marriage and my sanity, It's worth it.<P>I am rambling and I know this is super long, For those who read the whole thing... Thanks. I will be checking back from time to time. Those of you interest in E-mailing me, I will respond to each one and help in any way I can. the_rutger@hotmail.com<P>Be safe and take care <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Rutger,<P>We will pray for you. We are in recovery and I AM SURE that you will be someday soon.<P>Just to give you a little hope...<P>My neighbor's wife was having an affair at the same time the my wife was. He did all of the Plan A stuff with me. Luckily, my wife came back immediately. His did not.<P>So...He Plan B'd right through divorce. His wife insisted on it so she could go to her "man" and she did. 3 months later,after she had been seeing this "man" for that lenghth without my friend in the picture, guess who showed up at his door wanting to get back together. She finally realized that a fantasy is a fantasy, and this guy had a whole new set of problems that she couldn't see when my neighbor was meeting her needs.<P>So...go be you...find you...enjoy you....you deserve you and all of your worths. Do things that you have been wanting to do. Even if you have to force yourself, one day you will just realize "hey, I'm actually having fun". That will be the turning point.<P>She will see the mistake that she is making. ALL OF THEM DO. One just has to look at the statistics. She will be one of them.<P>But until that time, try not to focus on what she is doing and focus on your happiness. That is most important. Move on.<P>When she figures it out, she will catch up with you in a mad dash, and trust me, she will figure it out...I promise.<P>Hang in there.<BR>

Rutger....<P>With mixed emotions I recognize your movement forward. It <B>is</B> one of the hardest steps to take.<P>Reach out to us when it gets tough... we helped Paul through it... we can do it for you too! <P>Don't ever be embarassed about your emotions during this stage... In some way... it's more raw than Plan A.<P>Care and support are always here! <P>Jim

Broken,<BR>I am happy that you are in recovery. I hope that it will be me one day. Thank you so much for your story of hope. I know the stats but it still doesn't make it any easier and even then, There is a chance that she may never come back. I hope not to be in that minority. Thank you so much for your kind words and I will do my best to stay strong.<P>JIM,<BR>I knew that you would have mixed emotions about this. I hope it will be a move foreward for us both. I think you are correct, It will be more difficult than Plan A. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. It was however, Time for me to do this. I couldn't handle the pain any longer. Thank you for your thoughts and I will return when I need some support or if she decides to return to our marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger,<P>I hope that things turn out the way you truely want them too. You have taken a big step here Pal.<P>I tried Plan B for a few hours. I just couldn't do. I would see her name on the caller ID and fell apart. Yep that's right bits and pieces of Medic scattered all over the floor. It took me a week to find my pancreas. Damn cats!<P>It's a tough time for all of us right now with the Holidays just around the corner. Memories of family gatherings and the like. Val's twin sister and I would always get into a pissing contest. I hated going to her parents house. Now, I'd give my right nut to be there.<P>Tim<BR>

Tim,<BR>Thanks for your thoughts, Awwwwww no big deal... You didn't need that pancreas anyways. The cats were probably getting a little thin. <P>I hear ya pal, I won't have to worry though. She won't be calling anytime soon. She has no desire to be with me or around me so I guess it's up to me to stay away from her. Still hard to believe that only a few weeks ago she was here thanking me for giving her a second chance and telling me how much she missed me and loved me. Ouch!!! Thanks again and hang on to your nuts, You may need them in the future.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger,<P>Feeling for you tonight <P>You are doing what is best and I admire your strength and fortitude in tryin gto move forward as best you can.<P>All I can say is here is yet ANOTHER foolish woman throwing away a REALLY GOOD MAN!!<P>Believe me....HER LOSS!!!!!!<P>Wishing you all the happiness and love that you DESERVE! Let us hear from you once in awhile so we will know that you are Ok. <P>Enjoy some things you always said....One day I am going to do that...!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA,<BR>Thank you, That means alot to me. I like to think of myself as someone who has changed because of this experience. This indeed has made me a better person, In the sense of that I will be much more in tune to my future spouse and show them how much they mean to me so that they will not feel alone again. Be it my Wife or with someone else.

Hey Rut,<P>I just checked out your profile. I didn't know that you are a FF/quack. Well, maybe I did but have had a few too many silver bullets today. <P>That's too cool! You would be suprised how backward we are here in the Eastern Pa EMS.<P>They finally took the MAST off of the required equipment list for licensure. <P>I will say that they are fun to play with and watch the velcro pop. Could be used as a PFD.<P>I'll have to send you the web site for our protocols and see how different they are from yours.<P>Stay tough, Buddy<P>Tim

Hey Medic,<BR>Ya, I am. Cool job but you knew that. Some places aren't as progressive. We are more so in CA. Figures...... We are the guinea pigs for everything, Oh well. Thanks for all your replies and feel free to e-mail me any time. the_rutger@hotmail.com<P>Staying tough......<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger - <P>Just dropping you a quick line to let you know that you are not alone. I have been in plan B for almost 6 months with no end in sight. Although I have "my days", it does get better. I too have been minimizing my posts here for several reasons. I'm concerned that my negative energy will infect this place of "hope". I don't want to do that. I lurk like crazy though.<P>I read with interest Broken's story about his W and his neighbor's W. Certainly, my W is like his neighbor's. My W is still deep into her fantasy...the divorce train is moving ahead. I'm not looking forward to the holidays either...to top it off, our 6th anniversary is Dec 21. These next two weeks are going to SUCK.<P>Rutger, take heart in that the sun will rise again tomorrow. Trust in God - in fact give it ALL to Him. As Broken said - hope is not necessarily lost even after a divorce.<P>Thank you Broken for your encouraging story. I too read the statistics in all the books on infidelity - affairs rarely work. Rarely. Qualitatively, I'd say that that is true judging by how many betrayers on this forum alone eventually realize their error. We just have to believe that eventually our W's will also see the light.<P>Please keep lurking and posting occassionally my friend. I'll be looking for you. Have a joyous holiday season and remember what Christmas is all about...celebrating the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. That alone should make ALL of us happy.

Rutger,<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you pal. I'm kinda in the same boat. My W's affair is over, but she's moving out to find her freedom. She actually wanted a divorce, but i talked her into a separation. Our plan is to make it feel, smell, and taste like a divorce so she can decide if that's what she really wants. I guess it's our version of Plan B. Until she can once again say that she loves me, my plan is to get on with my life. It's taken me 11 months to get here and it's not without saddness, but i've come to realize that although i was certainly deficient in meeting many of her needs, that has now changed. Now the issues belong to her and it is she who must deal with them. She knows i love her and hopefully one day when she has worked through her problems, we'll get together again. BUT....I'm not going to do damage to myself by waiting indefinitely.<P>Like Shattered i don't post much anymore because i really don't have much in the way of hopeful news. But, i have followed your story and i still lurk alot. You have really grown through your ordeal. As you said, whether it's your wife or some other lucky lady, someday you're going to make someone a great husband and partner. <P>When my situation first developed i remember people telling me to focus on myself and not worry about my W. That was not what i wanted to hear and not what i did. I'm not comfortable if i'm not in control of my destiny or situation and it took me the longest time to finally realize that to a large extent part of my life was out of my control. So i started paying attention to the parts i still had control over. Guess what, it was ME.<P>I wish you peace this holiday season. <P>

Shattered,<BR>Thanks for the line. I guess misery does love company. I know that I am not alone, I feel for all the other Plan B'ers and think of you guys often. I hope it works out some way for the better for us. Negative energy or not I want you to know that you have really helped me through this like so many others, For that I thank you. Do something fun for your anniversary with a group of people, Don't moap. I know it's easy to say but I am hoping to follow my own advice. Take care my friend and I will be hoping the best for you. I'll be back someday, Just to say Hi if anything. Merry Christmas....<P>Nlitend,<BR>Long time no hear.... Whatever version of Plan B your in, Its still difficult to do. I wish you strength in your attempt. I, Like you, Have also realized what I need to do to make a marriage thrive. Too bad it was a realization that came about like this. I don't believe in too little too late. I'm glad that you have grown as well, I think anyone in our position is kinda forced to. Thank you for recognizing that I have grown some since I arrived here, I have all of you and alot of books with some long lonely nights in between to thank for that. I am now concentrating on me and my surrroundings, Trying to be a happy person without my Wife. If she comes back and wants to try to be in the marriage then it'll be that much better. Happy holidays and thanks for your thoughts..... <P>