Hummingbird,<BR> I've known for over 13 years that my H cheated on me. For most of those years, I suppressed my anger and frustration at his continuing lies, although periodically, I would bring it up when we were fighting.<P> All this rage and frustration has caught up with me. I feel like the last 13 years of our marriage has been pure hell---WASTED years, because there was no way we could have a good marriage with the lies between us. My H has been hateful, cold, and verbally abusive toward me. There were times when I hit him out of sheer frustration, and he hit me back, but those are the only times he ever hit me. I was wrong to strike out, but my frustration and anger made me explode.<P> Believe me, your H KNOWS that you've cheated, and his frustration is probably due to the lies.<P> If you're afraid for your life, get a safe place to go. However, I agree with the advice that you should tell him the truth--in the presence of someone who can protect you, preferably a counselor who can help him deal with the situation.<P> Your marriage may not survive your telling him the truth, but it sure won't survive with this lie between you. If it does, it will be a miserable existence, both for him and for you.<P> Good luck.

Hummingbird-<BR>Otherwise "rational" people can become "irrational" when an affair is discovered. (ask anyone of us betrayed) Whereas this is may be abnormal to our otherwise "normal" behavior, a jealous spouse who repeatedly makes threats w/o cause could possibly cross that line when the "truth" is told and cause real harm. He should be told the truth, but certainly in a safe environment w/a mediator/counselor as suggested. And possibly w/an alternate "escape" plan if you still feel physically threatened afterwards.<P>Good Luck and God Bless!<P>

Maybe I wasn't fun enough, or didn't meet my husband's emotional needs, or whatever, but I wasn't a raving lunatic, UNTIL I KNEW in my heart that he cheated.<P>Then the constant denials and lies and slaps in the face with more lies and more lies, made me one lovebusting idiot, which made it worse and worse, and I would go from trying to be sweet and nice to being told another lie and knowing it in my heart, and then be one angry angry angry bull.<P>You are torturing your husband, and he is not behaving probably any different than any other betrayed spouse who loves their spouse.<P>Now, You have been given advice, I just hope you do it. You must come clean and you must do it safely.<P>Otherwise, you need to leave this man NOW and start respecting his right to a decent life.<P>TNT

I do feel I would in a great deal of harm. He has never struck me, but punched walls, thrown things and screamed and yelled.<P>I do not tell everything because I have always protected him in the eyes of my family and friends for his behavior. I feel bad for him and I don't want people to think I'm married to a crazy man.<P>He has for years before the affair treated me in this way, when their was no cause, no justification. He has called me names, accused, and I swear you may not believe me, but I never had the thought of having an affair or ever thought I ever would until I met the OM 2 yrs. ago. <P>He has told me in the past, before the affair, if he ever knew I had cheated on him, he wouldn't think twice and he would kill me and the OM. Then he has talked about killing himself, making sure I didn't die a quick death, he'd make me suffer, no other man would ever have me again because I'd be dead. <P>Maybe it's all bark, but it's very scary to me. My parents have seen his voilent outbursts, for little reason, and so have my friends. <P>I realize this forum is for marriage building but it has also helped me tremendously to just let out my feelings because I have no one to talk to. <P>Maybe I should stop posting until I decide what to do.

No, you don't need to stop posting until you decide what you should do!!!! Do it!<P>GET SAFE FIRST Odviously this isn't safe<P>GET IT ALL OUT, THE TRUTH Then you will be able to start HEALING!!!!<P>Perhaps IF your husband is a nut case abusive idiot and THEN you decided to have an affair as a coping/escape/exit mechanism, and that didn't work and NOW he is even more unsafe to be around DECIDE what you will do to change this!!!! <P>BIG HUGS but don't stop posting

Hummingbird,<P>You know, you WANT to do what is right, and you should be very proud of yourself. I think you have some major fear and self esteem issues to deal with, and you do need counseling, just maybe a different kinda counselor. <P>You should feel good about yourself for wanting to do what is right. It takes a big person to not make decisions based on their feelings, but rather their convictions.<P>Is it right to protect yourself? Yes.<BR>Is it right to tell the truth? Yes.<BR>Is it good to be the shrinking violet with what we know what is right - because we are afraid? No.<P>Please please please, let's get a plan of safety going here, and let's then figure out how to help you come clean. <P>What else can we do? We care about you, we want you to be happy, and the only thing I can see that is preventing this is fear and guilt. <P>Well, sure having an OM was a mistake, but lots of us are doing all kinds of mistakes day in and day out, because no one is perfect. But what we do with our mistakes is what counts, and this is why I have so much respect for you.<P>I think your fear is bigger than the solution, and that is what really concerns me. Your solution is to get to a place that is S A F E first! then, you will have less fear, and less guilt, and then you can start taking some control over this mess. <P>I think you feel like you don't have the power or control, but you have way more than you realize!<P>

Me again. Realizing and admitting you're in an abusive relationship is a hard thing - had to do it myself. My boyfriend has been emotionally and verbally abusive since about the day after he moved in. He's never hit me or thrown anything, but otherwise sounds very similar to your husband. Not too long ago, when we were at the brink and he was going to leave, he said, "I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again: If I catch you with another guy here before I leave, you'll be visiting him in the hospital." Translation: He'll be visiting ME in the hospital.<P>He's also said several times that other, "better" men would beat the **** out of me, and he once said he'd like to bust my ****ing head.<P>NOTHING any woman could ever say or do and NOTHING about the man or his past justifies this kind of talk. You are afraid, and rightfully so. I suggest you visit some domestic abuse sites and read the signs of an abuser. Sorry, I can't think of any off the top of my head, but you can easily find them through a search engine. There is also an excellent message board on Domestic Abuse on iVillage. The url is http://boards2.ivillage.com/messages/get/rldomesting10.html?outline=-1. The women there are very supportive and knowledgeable on resources. <P>Please get some help before your fears materialize.<P>------------------<BR>--Girlfriend in a coma (I know, I know it's serious)

Hum, PLEASE call the Women's Rights Information Center in Englewood. I posted their number above. SOS may NOT be for you if there's any possibility that your H is just ranting and raving, because they work on the assumption that you are a battered woman and their job is to keep you AWAY from your H.<P>Call the Center and tell them EVERYTHING. Nothing deleted....everything. It's time to stop "protecting" this man. They can refer you to a counselor, to an attorney if necessary, to a shelter if necessary.<P>I am not going to get into a game of "Why don't you" "Yes, but" with you. DO IT. NOW.<P>I'm not 100% convinced that your H is an abuser, although he clearly has problems with anger management that MUST be addressed, and if and when you two go into counseling if the decision is made to try and save the marriage, that should be a condition on HIM. That he vents on inanimate objects doesn't necessarily mean anything, though it might.<P>My H has problems with anger too. He goes into "repressed rages", in which his face goes red, he tenses up, and yes, he punches walls. At times, when he's gotten angry at the cat, he's gotten more aggressive than he should, and I always yell at him about it.<P>But I never fear that he will harm me physically. My fears are all about abandonment; they're all emotional.<P>All these people here are right. Your H knows. He's not 100% sure of what, but everything is telling him that SOMETHING IS WRONG and he doesn't know what it is. I understand his frustration, because I've been there. That doesn't excuse the threats of violence, but it's obvious that this is how he customarily deals with frustration.<P>But clearly, you can't afford to second-guess what might happen.<P>Keep posting here, you have support here. But recognize the limits of what we can do from afar. You are lucky enough to live in a county full of resources. Use them.

I cant believe what im hearing. Maybe I havent read things or understood things clearly, but Im shocked. <P>Your telling us that you've had an affair with someone at your work... but you have difficulties understanding why your husbands so mad and jealous.<P>I've made my fair share of mistakes in life, but the advantage I have is that I can understand "Cause & effect".<P>If you choose to marry this man, knowing that he is a jealous person... you need to keep that in mind. This apparantly is not news to you, you were aware of this before you married, so why are you amazed now... especially considering you've actually been "up to something".<P>I hope he is smart enough to not hit you. A lot of times, when a man is hurt badly he feels helpless. It might even be instinct to verbally threaten you. Maybe he feels hurt, and he doesnt know how to act. I dont know the guy, so I dont want to make excuses for him. But I did read that you've had an affair. Now you still are near this guy all the time at work. If you were my wife, it would drive me crazy too. If you had this affair with a man at work, maybe you should find a new job with an atmosphere that will be "less likely" for you to commit adultry.<BR>You sound younger(backstreetboys concert?), so I'd guess switching jobs would not kill you.<P>

I have been looking for another job. Believe me working with OM is living hell. I hate it here because of him. I broke down crying before at my desk, he wasn't around thank god.<P>I have known my husband since I was 17, yes, he was and still is (but has improved) very jealous, possessive. I actually broke off our engagement because I was scared and was second guessing marrying him. However, the date had been set, dress purchased, etc., my parents and his family talked to me and I did love him so with his promise to stop, we got back together. We married shortly after and he was very good in the interim.<P>When he started up after we married, I just tryed to accept it, "for better or worse", and I know having the affair has only made my problems and life extremely worse.

Dear Hummingbird,<P>This problem is not going to just go away. You are in the midst of a crisis. Everyone here seems to feel that you are also in danger. <P>Your marriage can not survive if you do not tell your husband the truth. You do not have to tell all the details but you need to tell him that because of the problems in your marriage, your affections have been elsewhere. Your life and marriage are never going to be the same as before your affair, even if you keep on lying, things will never go back to the way they were. Your husband knows something is wrong. It is not fair to keep him in the dark. How can he fix the problem if he does not know what it is?<P>Also, how can you go on in a marriage where you are so afraid and unhappy? You can not spend the rest of your life miserable. You are doing the right think by staying away from the OM. You can see that he is not going to solve your problems. I hope you can see how difficult he has made your life. But you have got to pull yourself together and start to move ahead. I wish your councelor was more help during this crisis.