Hey folks, yep I'm still here. It's been a while since I posted, I've been having a real tough time dealing with these issues of mine. W is now really starting to show (she's 5 months along) and every day I visualize her and OM doing it in my bed, conceiving that child! Ugh! Tonight I'm going to talk to a counsellor. I just want to have a non-biased opinion as to what I'm going to decide. I want to be able to make a decision and feel it was the right one to make. Is that even possible? Here I am, forced to decide the fate of my son, my wife, the unborn child of her affair and me. Do I decide to keep the family together for the sake of the kids and have to raise this child as mine? Knowing full well the "feelings" just aren't there anymore for the 2 of us? I tend to think that will only cause more problems later for all involved. Or do I have her leave and cause her to raise the child on her own and I raise our son? We talked about all this last night, she is very scared of being alone during the pregnancy. I gave her my word she doesn't have to worry about that, for I will do whatever she needs from me during that time. I told her, unlike the moron who you were involved with and who is the father of this child, I will be there for you. I have put her on my health insurance and everything dealing with this pregnancy is being paid for. I want her to know and recall 20 years from now that wherever I may be, I was the one who was there for her during her most critical crisis, not him. I want her to recall that even when I was dealt the awful hand she dealt me, I still did what was right and in her best interest to help her, not him. When my son is old enough, I wnat him to realize what his dad did while being faced with situation and be able to be proud to say "that is my dad and I want to be just like him". I know, I'm still being too nice to her. But I just can't turn my back on her at her time of need.<BR>Does that make any sense? She's been really withdrawn of late. We've had a tremendous amount of stress these past 2 weeks with Hurricane Floyd flooding out our place. I just feel I need to make a decision and start working in the direction of that decision. She wants to be able to stay at least until the baby is a few months old and she can be sure of being a single mom. Should I even give her that option after everything she's put me thru? Can you all tell I've had enough of giving and giving and getting nothing in return? Can you all tell I'm just as confused as I was a month ago?<BR>Can you all tell I'm just rambling on.... <BR>Just tell me to shut up.... <P>[This message has been edited by Blues (edited September 23, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Blues (edited September 23, 1999).]

Ramble away. It's all free space here!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know, I'm still being too nice to her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Please explain how you can be too nice to your Wife.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Hi blues.<BR>Intersting, I was looking on some old posts last night and I saw yours. I was wondering about you.<BR>The decision, of course, has to be up to you. But I'm wondering that when you say the feelings are not there anymore, if you have made any effort to get them back? Or want to?<BR>It is possible, you know? And it could be another otpion other than the ones you're thinking about.<BR>However it can only happen if you feel you'll be able to surpass the thoughts about the om, and if she is willing to do the same.<BR>I don't know, by still being here, I wonder if deep down you would like it to work. But reading your words, I can still there's still to much ressentment there,so I'm not sure.<BR>Keep us posted<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hello Blues,<BR>I know the feeling of indecisiveness,a s that's where I am. Your situation must be so heart wrenching as you see a constant reminder, my prayers are with you. For me I only had to get rid of a few cars to remove the physical reminder. This is really tough.<P>I admire your strength and character for being there for her, but the hardest thing to come to is what's best for YOU. Is this best for your emotional and physical health? And unfortunatly only you can answer that.<P>Please know that I will pray for you and I wish you the best.<P>Crushed

I'm with Chris on this one. You can't be "too nice" to your wife.<P>This pregnancy is not only a burden to you---it's an opportunity. It sounds like you're making the most of it, and it's your wife that is fence-sitting. Even though my wife had "made" the decision to keep our family together a week before she discovered she was pregnant, I didn't really "feel" like that was true until she was about 7 months along. You've still got withdrawal and everything else to go through.<P>Stick with it. Stick with the counseling to help you through. Perhaps you'll both discover you'll want to make a go of the marriage. Maybe that'll happen in a couple months, maybe it'll happen after the baby is born. Maybe you'll end up deciding to divorce. Regardless of that upcoming decision, your best path is to stick with her as her loving, giving husband. You know that this situation won't be "forever"---and as you said, you'll be able to hold your head up and set a good example for your son.

Hi Blues,<P>Look at your love...who is it for..??? do you love her..??? if you do love her then go with that... not your judgement or condemnation of him or her to score points...you are what you think...dont let your terrible hurt and confusion rule over your heart and turn you into a bitter person wanting revenge...it will turn to eat you instead if those you intend .....<P>Love the good person you are and when you can love yourself enough you will love that little baby as your own...and he/she will love you back as his/her Dad no matter who the biological father was....even when adopted children find their biological parent they never exchange or lose their love for the parents that adopted them and always regard and feel they are their real parents anyway never the biological one.....<P>Allow your love to heal your wounds....<P>Our blessings love and energy are with you...you are a person worth loving...allow her to do that and allow you to do that ...and allow the baby to do that...we all stumble and do the wrong thing at times for we are human...<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

I guess I should clarify a few things. I was told by a cousellor that I need to stop being so nice to my wife, that she's been taking advantage of it. The only reason I feel like she's trying to stay so close is so she won't lose all her comforts that I offer. She's never been on her own. She still shows no remorse, expects me to "just get over it", etc.<BR>Too much damage was done for that....I'm still finding things out. It wouldn't surprize me to find out they are still incontact although she insists they are not (she's lied about that before). Mainly, I can't figure out how they could have a such a heavy relationship as they did for the 2-3 yrs time and then in a heartbeat cut it off and not have any contact whatsoever. She wasn't able to "start her day without hearing his voice"....this was the case up until I moved her 600 miles away from him and now she's gonna tell me that's what she needed and she has forgotten all about him? I don't think so! Bottom line is I still don't trust her, I don't respect her or her judgement and my feelings for her have been beat down to almost non-existant. I already knows how she feels about me just by her actions over the last 3 yrs. I really feel it might be best to walk away. Maybe if she grows up a little, becomes less materialistic and is willing to work for a relationship...I might entertain the thought of giving her the time of day.<BR>

Hi Blue,<BR>Thanks for the clarification, you certainly must be a very tolerant loving caring considerate individual to have gone thru what you have yet still done what you have....<P>When lessons that we choose to learn from have been learned then it is time ot move on, we usually know this in our hearts...when it is finished it is finished ..<P>If this is the case if there are no feelings left then perhaps there is no other choice to make...you would have to give all of you a chance to move on and grow within...your children included...<P>It takes a long time to regain trust and assurances of loyalty by the betrayer has to be followed up by actions that support that assurance over a considerable period of time....and if you cannot live with the risk of repetition of betrayal then your decision perhaps is easier to make....<P>The goal for all of us whether we are concious of it or not is to be peaceful within and self contained in love and being...meaning that the world can go on around us and we will not be hooked into whatever drama is going on in it....so if we are in a relationship we are loving and caring but not hooked into the others life...the choice to live together remains just that a choice..and we are not drastically affected internally by the others actions or behaviour....but I guess that ideal is some ways off for most of us but can be something to aspire to...<P>Be proud of who you are Blue you are a caring good soul....you get back what you put into life...keep putting in the good stuff and you do get it back tenfold and from where you may least expect...<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Cossie and others,<P>Thanks for you all to kind words, they really lifted my spirits even moreso this morning. I talked with a doctor last night at length. (note: get the last appointment of the day, you'll get more time for your money... ) He was such a great help and in just the first meeting. He hit the nail on the head so many times it was something. He helped me admit all the things I needed to admit. Though I'm leading towards the decision of divorce, an issue that is opposite of the forumn....I feel it's the right direction to go in this case. He pointed out to me that I need to live for me, that I need to stop letting her control me in all my decisions. Which she has, mainly all for her gain. Although I knew some of this already, he helped me see even more of it. I actually got a bit upset at myself for being taken so easily. I'm better than that. My main problem isn't making a decision, but making one and sticking to it. I've made decisions all along in this deal, just the wrong ones or ones that just changed the previous ones...all due to her.....in hind sight, so she could continue the affair. This is a game she's still playing too. She keeps asking for a little more time. Something she's been asking me for the past 3 yrs. Each time, like a moron, I've given in to her. Well he asked me "where does it stop?" He's right! He pointed out she's using me and my emotions for her personal gain and will keep doing it as long as I keep letting her. I felt 100 times better about my thoughts when I walked out of his office! From this day on, I'm gonna do my best to live for ME! I'm gonna do everything I can to be the best father I possibly can for my son and give him the best I can to let him know he is loved so much by his dad (and his mom too). He is afterall the most important thing in my life right now and will be till the day I kick the bucket. Yes, I need to live for me, but to do that I need to live for my son. <P>Watch out world, Blues and Blues Jr. are gonna take you by storm!.... <P>Blues rebirth party, my place this Sunday!<BR>

Blues,<P>Glad the doctor could help sort things out. I don't think that divorce is necessarily a bad option for you---even Harley would say that you've got a perfect right to it. It's really what's best for you and your family that's important. If your wife was truly ready to make a go at the marriage, and you could raise the OM's son, then I'd advise you to work on the marriage. If your wife is still playing games and you expect that she's still having the affair, then I'd either Plan B her now, or let her know that you will be divorcing her after the baby is born (if you're going to stick out the pregnancy and post natal stuff with her). <P>I'd still try to discuss this with her, using the old POJA. But if she's unwilling to be honest, the POJA is hard to apply.<P>Hey---my wife is out of town on Sunday. I'll pick up Marisa and drop on by!!!!!

K,<P>I'm in the process of writing my W "the letter". The one she doesn't want to get I'm sure. But she is still unwilling to try and work on our situation. I tried once again last night and it fell on deaf ears. So now I'm trying to think of just how to start the letter...it's the hardest part. Once I get started, it just rolls. I just thought I'd stop by here before hand to kinda get my mindset and some ideas.<P>Both my W and son are gone today (Sunday) and I just got outta the shower....I'm all cleaned shaven and ready for a full day with Marisa. Just Marisa! Sorry K....just drop her off and have her ring the bell, I'll bring her home later....

Well, I dropped her by... hope you had a great day! <P>On the letter---the plan B letter was the hardest thing I ever wrote. I took a couple of days, and Steve read it over for me. That's another thing I'm grateful that I'll only do once in a lifetime (God willing). Stay strong. As a practical matter, read for any lovebusters---especially disrespectful judgements and selfish demands.<P>Take care, Blues!

K, <P>Had a real good time with Marisa, thanks... <BR>She said she looked forward to our next date....said it'll be on her this time...can't wait!... <P>On to reality, the "letter" I wrote wasn't the "plan b" letter but actually the "dear Jane" letter. I'm asking her to move out and will be filing for divorce. It's all written, just need to proof read and edit as needed. Then the next hardest part, trying to find the "best" time to hand it to her. <BR>I hate to hurt her like this but then I think of how thoughtless she was in what she did to our family. But it still bothers me.<BR>But as my Dr. says, I need to stick with my decision and stop letting her control me. Maybe I'll wait until we have an arguement and then hand it to her...