Today I noticed that my W had a $3200 deposit into her checking account. Two evenings ago, my W went back to SIL's (where she lived for several weeks before moving in with OM) and picked up her wedding ring. I get this sinking feeling that W sold the wedding ring - this is just too much to bear.<P>If she did, she only got about 50 cents on the dollar from its appraised value. I'm going to get sick. She will be spending the money (as she has all along) on OM, buying furniture for his house. I have never felt lower in my life. This is just the latest kick in the balls.<P>I've read 14 books on infidelity. Almost without exception, they all say that affairs (especially affairs like my W is in) are doomed and will eventually end. Harley and others even go so far as to say that affairs of this type (where the infidels live together) rarely last more than 6 months. It has been 3.5 months so far and I'm just hanging on by a thread.<P>In addition, I get so encouraged by all the success stories here on the forum. My hopes get raised every day as I read yet again about how a couple who, only months before were on the brink of divorce, now proclaim their undying love and committment to each other. It's rare to hear about the ones that don't make it.<P>So, here I am gaining encouragement fom all the books by the experts and real life success stories. Except, for me, everything is going to sh*t. I've followed the Harley principles to the letter. I've avoided contact as I'm in Plan B. Apparently, OM IS able to meet all of W's most important emotional needs and I feel just horrible. I'm writing from work and I'm about ready to burst into tears.<P>I just can't take it any more. I'm SO happy for those individuals who have made it. At the same time, I'm so envious. I constantly pray to God for some relief, any relief from this pain that I carry. Each time I begin to feel a bit better, it seems that something new happens to slap me back down. I'm crying out for help...it just doesn't seem like God is ready to help just yet. I know He is there, I just wish He would reveal a little of His plan to me.<P>Please help me...anyone?

Hi Shattered,<BR> I'm so sorry you feel so bad...guess you didn't have much of a birthday ,huh? Anyway, one thing that Harley told me when I counseled with him is that they will try like crazy to make the affair work and so it will seem WORSE before it gets better....you have to believe that she will crash once reality sets in and enough TIME goes by, ....the trick is to hang in there with your sanity intact....Is there anything that will get your mind off the drama? ...I know I exercised and set small goals everyday... that kind of helped to keep me going....you are in a bad place and alot of people would've thrown in the towel by now.,hang in there , Time and statistics are on your side....Lu

Hi Shattered<P>Never compare your situation to others and whatever you do, DO NOT hold a marriage higher than life itself. <P>Anlayze a realistic picture here.. Worse case scenario, you W is gone and has a very happy life without you. What do you do? You have many options and all with in your control. <P>You are fighting a battle here, it's not a Life or Death battle. Life goes on if you lose this battle, life goes on if you win, either way you LIVE. Now take care of # 1 so you can keep on fighting. You will know when it's not worth fighting anymore and at that time you need to know you tried and carry on.<P>Stay fit, strong and get your self respect back. Have a self confidence glow that will attract others. You have no control over what your W is doing to herself, all you can do is work on yourself and your life.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

hi shattered,I'm sorry things are not better.<BR>Please rememebre you have every right to feel down. We don't always have to suppress the bad things, it wouldn't be healthy.<BR>At the same time there's always place to keep hope. <BR>From my experience and what I've read here. Dr. Harley seems to be right. But the path that takes us to a better place is usually difficult. She will see things, eventually, and yes most probably the affair won't survive. <BR>Meanwhile, you have to take care of yourself. Find things you enjoy doing, exercize - I found that swimming and ride my bike were very helpfull - concentrate your energy on positive things. Find a project to do. SHow your wife that you do care abouther, but you can and will take care of yourself. Connect with your family if you feel confortable doing so. <BR>Keep you hope, but don't leave for it, leave with it.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi Toronto,<BR> I always like reading your replies,read your profile ... what is your current situation? Is your wife with you? You seem to espouse more of the "self respect" slant vs. "the plan A" approach it seems to me. Did you read "Tough Love" by James Dobson.? I guess the reason I'm asking is that alot of times when I'm trying my hardest to meet my H's needs I feel like I'm almost begging for his love(he's back with us and I feel he's here for the kids).When I was in Plan A it was the pits and made me feel like crap and a doormat. When I worry more about myself and think I deserve more I start to feel better.....it's a constant battle....There seems to be fine lines between doormat, self respect and meeting the other's needs....Lu

Shattered1,<P>I hate that you are in pain. I think we all do.<P>You know when you said you thought it seemed as though God wasn't ready to do anything yet I began to think about that. Surely He has heard your cry for help, and what is true is that help is already on the way. We don't often see the results of this help until much later. You can only trust that the battle is being fought as we speak.<P>The plan is in action. Things that must be allowed to happen in order for the perfect plan to be worked out. What we all ultimately want is that this thing will end. But we also want it to end for good, forever. So perhaps God is just working this out. Like a parent who sees the end result of a childs situation even though the child doesn't.<P>It's like the boy who is sad because he wants to buy a toy, and the parent says no because what the child DOESN'T know is that in three days he will receive (for his birthday, say) this same toy AND 17 others to go with it!!!<P>God said he'd never leave us. I have been so messed up this past year that I have often felt so far away from God. I even haven't FELT like trying to get close again.('Religousness' is a turn-off to me - yet I believe- kind of shows you the mess I am) BUT still faith lives in me somehow - I don't even know how...<P>Yesterday at lunch, I scanned across the Christian radio station in the car. What I heard was the message that God said He would always be with us, even until the 'end'...they translated the actual Greek (or Hebrew) of the meaning of this statement. It translated into something like this: I, the great 'I AM' (creator of the universe and of ALL THINGS), will be with 'YOU' (you, Shattered, specifically) ALWAYS, even until the end. <P>That, my friend, is a very cool, very intense promise. I don't know a lot, but I KNOW He knows the number of every hair on your head, and everything that you are going through. Everything you feel too, all of it. He'll help you through it all. Just keep on talking to Him about it. And hang in there ok?<P>We're all here for you too (even if it is cyberspace) !<P>-janet<p>[This message has been edited by rjr #2 (edited September 23, 1999).]

Shattered, <P>Hang on...please...hang on. In reading your post, tears filled my eyes because I remember so vividly the feelings you are experiencing right now. I know the pain and the hopelessness feeling. I was certain that God had abandonned me. God says He will never give us more than we can handle, well, I was certain that He did, because I couldn't handle it. I felt everything crashing in on me. But, Shattered, I held on. You hold on too - OK? I came to realize that God had to tear me down to my very core in order to build me back up. <P>If getting through the day seems too hard, then work on it hour by hour. Never give up. Keep fighting the good fight. God will honor your efforts. Please understand that. <P>Also, don't put a timelone on this. You will set your self up for hurt if you do. While 6 months is maybe the average, it sometimes goes on longer. It was almost a year before my W "decdided" to give our marriage another chance. I know FC was involved with her OM for almost 2.5 years before she ended it and is working on her marriage again. I know those aren't comforting words, but I don't want you to set yourself up for a major klet down if she dosen't come running back after 6 months. Shattered you don't know that she sold her ring. Please don't get caught up in thinking those kind of things. Our mind tends to think the worst of things which causes more pain in us than is real. <P>You have to find some activity to get your mind off of dwelling on this. Something new. Something exciting. God will handle His part of caring for you and your wife. Perhaps He has to drive her down to her lowest point too. God is in control Shattered. let Him work these changes in you AND your wife. <P>I know you want to be where some of us are right now - God do I know how you feel. I thought I would never, ever, see the light at the end of the tunnel. We all have different time lines and different things to endure. <P>Hang on Shattered, we are here for you. Take one hour at a time.<P>Your MB friend, <P>SHA

Shattered:<P>I've been at this a very long time and can tell you that what you're feeling is normal but transitory. At times, you feel strong and confident, depressed, angry, hopeless, and then strong again. It's part of the cycle.<P>One of the really important aspects about Plan B is that the complete separation and consequent lowering of expectations from the spouse (and waiting on their actions) gives you the freedom to plan and live your own life, independent of them. This is VERY IMPORTANT. The best way to make the time pass is for you to be fully engaged in developing yourself and doing the things you love, getting in touch with yourself (if you will). This helped me alot during my time there and I got much stronger. There is a freedom/benefit that comes from the separation and it is worth your while to explore and gain from that piece of this bad situation. The less you think and speculate about your wife's actions, the better off you'll be.<P>You will be strong again. You have a plan and are solidly following it. No one can guarantee that your wife will come around, but given enough time, it is more likely than not. Either way, it is beyond your control. So take my advice and try to spend the time developing and enjoying yourself.<P>I also want to thank you for the guidance you've given me lately. Your advice and encouragement is wonderful.<P>

Hi Shattered!<BR>My situation is very similar. My husband told me about his affair with co-worker 2 1/2 months ago. Affair had started week prior. He left to live with OW next day. Could not confront me with guilt and shame!<BR>That lasted 7 weeks and H asked to come back. Could not deal with OW's children and problems. Then I found out they where still in contact from OW and he was lying to her about us. She broke off with him, he panicked and left our home again. This happen 3 weeks ago. I did Plan A for the first 7 weeks. Now I'm trying Plan B. The only contact is limited to a phone call once aweek because of our 2 year old. My H too, has transformed himself. He has done and said thing that I never thaught I would hear from my H. I'm hoping that his financial situation, the lack of time spent with his son and everything else will get him to realize life wasn't that bad. Not at all.<BR>I'm spending time with family, friends and spending alot of time with our son. I go to bed everynight crying and praying that he'll come out of Fantasy land. <BR>Hang in there <BR>

shattered,<P>I'm at work, so can't write a lot, but when I saw this with your name my heart dropped. <P>Just want you to know that I'm here for you, that I'm so sorry you're going through this, and that I will continue to pray that your W pulls her head out of wherever it is and GET REAL. <P>Remember, if she sold the wedding ring it isn't the end of the world because WHEN you two get back together you can buy new ones to START OVER again... <P>She's totally outta her mind right now. This isn't your fault and you're doing everything you can to make things right. <P>BTW, you still have access to that account? I think I'd be tempted to take a thousand or so for my own uses. Lovebuster? You bet!<BR>That wasn't nice .<P>Take care, my friend!!! I'll check in tonight to see how you're faring...<P>~Sheryl

Hi Lu<P>In regards to your post I felt the same way as most people here after discovery. At first I felt so worthless and lost alot of respect for myself. I learned that how can I understand my W without understanding myself first. I remember a time when I felt I was on top of the world, great attitude and outlook on life. Thats what attracted my W to me. After dicovery I turned into some depressed puppy dog constantly following my W looking for acceptence. This became a turn off for me and my W. Who wants a depressed dependant leaching on you, it seemed the more attention I went for the more I was pushing my W away. I learned what my W needs were and what my needs were. I needed to feel good about myself and that starts with me treating myself with respect while meeting my W needs. I built this aura of self confidence and strength that beemed outward so others can see. It starts with a positive attitude and understanding life goes on with or without being married. When I look at myself I see a great guy and when I looked at my W I felt sorry for her as she was misguided. I wanted so bad to have her back but she had to see me as a strong person before wanting to come back. I totally forgave her for her misguidence and never judged her which made it easy to communicate with her plus I understand my part in this whole mess (thank you MB). I did Plan A and never had to do Plan B. While doing Plan A and always made sure I was doing things I could live with and could continue thoughout are marriage. I set real expectations and let time handle the rest. Once your in love with your self (I know sounds like I am bragging but what the heck) then other can love you as well. <P>Check out the motto too...<P>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"<P>I love it... <P>PS.. My W affair was also caught at a very early stage, the second I felt something was wrong and concentraited on our marriage. I felt devestated but I don't think it was nearly the magnitude of most others here.<P>Take Care...<BR>Right now my W and I are having a good time. We both communicated very openly and I can accept everything that has happened. I am so thankfull for this Web Site as it has given my the knowledge to handle this issue. I have always seen a lot of pain from other in the self respect area and having a bad attitude. Alot of people seem to lose themselves while trying so hard to "win" their spouse back. What happens if they never come back and you lost yourself in the process? You end up with nothing.

Hi Toronto,<BR> Thanks so much for replying....this whole thing has changed me from a fun loving gregarious person into a weepy, questioning everything person...I feel the best when I'm good to myself and not so focused on H and what he thinks. I love the saying you quoted....is it from the Shania Twain song? Anyway, I think you have great advice ...it's so easy to lose oneself and when I read your posts I start to act and think postitive! Lu<BR>

Shattered, Unfortunately, I know all too well your pain. My H and OW have been living together now for 3 1/2 months also. There werea couple of weeks in there when he was all ready to leave OW and try US again. But he told OW he was leaving and she somehow conviced him to not go. So, then he did a complete about face, saying that he was just having a hard time with OW and was using me to run away. (which ironically is what he did with OW in the first place.) Anyway, our divorce date is set for the middle of October. I have resigned myself to the fact that he is not coming back and now that I see things a little clearer, I realize just what kind of man he is and am getting further and further away from wanting him back at all. He is not able to break out of the selfish, "do what feels good" mode and be a man so that is how it is. Yes, I have done the plans and read the books, but I am only one person and sometimes moving on is the best way to heal. Believe me, I never thought I would stop missing him desparately, but the longer we are apart and the longer he insists he is not interested in me, the easier it gets. It has just been the last 2 weeks that I have not cried myself to sleep at night, so I consider that a lot of progress. I wish you the best of luck and I will say prayers that you will heal also. Anytime you want to chat, let me know. <P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

To all - <P>Thank you so very much for rushing to my side. For some reason, today has been just horrible. I can't get it out of my head that W sold her wedding ring so she can continue her reckless spending on OM. And I thought her using my insurance to buy birth control pills was the most despicable thing she has done so far...<P>You have all been great. I hope that someday I can give back to this forum as much as I have received.<P>Time. For us waiting for the affair to end (if ever) it moves excruciatingly slow. I can see how the last 4 months have physically aged me. I really wish that God would let me "peek" at His plan sometimes!!<P>Toronto - thanks for the advice about propping up my self image. I don't have to tell you just how flat one's self esteem gets under these circumstances. I do exercize, eat right, am now sleeping fairly well, take anti-deps, pray to God, talk to family/friends...I'm not sure what else I can do. I've never been the most patient person in the world and, as an engineer, am always looking for the "solution". Infidelity is hell for everyone, but believe me when I tell you that it is a special type of hell for those of us who must apply logic to every problem.<P>You are also right Toronto in that life will go on whether my W reconcile or not.<P>Janet - your words of wisdom concerning God's MAJOR part in all of this really was comforting. Although I truly believe everything you said, my frail, weak human insecurities search for a sliver of hope...anything...that might signal even the slightest shift. So far - nothing. In fact, the scales continue to tip the other way. However, I just KNOW that God is working on me and my W - thanks for reminding me of that.<P>Lu - so Dr. Harley said it gets worse befor it gets better? If that's true, this should be coming to an end soon!!! I certainly wouldn't contradict Dr. H's facts.<P>SHA - thanks for the pep talk. It feels good to know that others have walked where I walk and felt how I feel - and have been able to work their marriages through. I really appreciate your perspectives because of your experience.<P>Distressed - thanks for the insight on the cyclical nature of the emotions. Boy is that rough!! One day you feel like you're rounding the corner and then - WHAM!!! - something else happens and slams you to the ground once again. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually afraid to feel any better...because I know that pain is just around the corner.<P>n_b - you too are a true friend. Although i didn't think of taking any $$, you bring up an interesting suggestion! But, it would definitely be construed as a MAJOR lovebuster. (However, spending wedding ring proceeds so she can buy OM furniture is OK.) I really want to tear his throat out!!!<P>Rachel - I really feel for you. Your situation is very similar to mine in that divorce seems imminent. I will keep you in my prayers as well. You know, it really sucks that the betrayer can initiate the divorce. I wish my wife was as remorseful as most of the betrayers on this forum. Why is it that betrayers who want to leave are always married to betrayed who want to work it out, and betrayers who want to work it out are married to betrayed who want to leave?