After reading all the responses to my question on whether to tell or not, I decided to contact one of the girls at work. I really didn't want to be the one to tell, so I told her, and told her to tell the other girl at work to tell their partners or at the end of the week I would. My intention was not revenge as most people would think , but truley I needed a freedom that this revelation would bring. <P>My husband came to see me at work, as this girl called him hysterical and he said he would talk to me. After we talked I concluded that the potential violence that my children may witness, it was not worth it. So I tried to call her back and her # had changed, so did the other girl's. Now what? I figured whatever happens, happens.<P>I talked with my therapist yesterday (deadline being Friday) and she felt that I could not benifit from this so I called this girl at work and told her I reconsidered. Well it was too late as she told her H Monday night, she said she was tired of living with the threat, even if I changed my mind she realized I could change it again so she told him. They are trying to work out thier marriage and I wished her well. She said the other girl (with the biker boyfriend) told a few weeks ago and he has taken some responsibility as he had a drinking problem. <BR>They too are working it out. <P>I felt a great releif, and that further confirmed I did the right thing (for me). I feel 100 times better about this issue, now at least one large thing is behind me. I can now start to concentrate on me.<P>This is hard on my H as he said he knows he is to blame for so many hurt people. He also feels relief.<P>We have separated for now and I still need alot of work, but I do look at this in a different light. I know for me the truth set me free. The counsler was wrong, there was much benefit to me, sometimes you just have to be true to yourself.

Crushed, counselors are human, they can make mistakes too as you realized by your situation.Not even counting the fact that one situation can bring different results anytime.<BR>I personally still feel that coming clean is usually the best solution, although ideally your h would be the one doing this, not you, but life is not made of ideal situations and what coutns are results .<BR>I'm glad that things feel better now. <BR>have you decided on what you want to do with your marriage? Are you willing to give it a chance?<BR>There seems to be a chance here. You guys just have to take it slowly and see how you reconnect.<BR>Good luck and keep us posted<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited September 23, 1999).]

Dear Crushed, I'm glad that things worked out well for you. As you know from reading the posts, this is a hot topic for me as well. It's interesting that you changed your mind (albeit too late) because you were worried about what might happen to your H and that it might occur in front of your kids. That's probably the ONLY thing keeping me quiet at this point. <P>I'm curious as to how YOU feel now as compared to before, and if you think you would/could be at the same point if the word hadn't gotten out. <P>My H says leave it alone, our counselor says leave it alone, a lot of smart people on this forum say leave it alone, but a big piece of me says,"hell no, she should tell her husband and soon (assuming she hasn't)and if he goes crazy at least we will know when to be on the look out versus it coming out sometime down the road." <P>Thanks for your input and others ?

Hi Athena,<P>I'm glad your responded as I feel we do have this common thing. I changed my mind during therapy only because she kept saying, what's in it for YOU? And at the time I really couln't answer that, but now, I see the benefits and I don't think you do until it all shakes out.<P>I said the reasons were If the first H had told me I could have possibly been spaired the last 3 years. I think we could have worked it out and we could have been in recovery for 3 years now. I know things would have not gotten to the point they did had the power of the secret been broken. That's another issue as well, there is POWER in knowledge, potential for good and evil. Once it was out in the clear, the power was truly broken. I felt I didn't want to be a part of the "secret". If I chose to just go away and leave it alone, I would be saying there is merit in deceit. I would be just as wrong.<P>I also realized my position never changed, they deserved to know, the only thing that changed was I didn't think I should have been the catalyst. (Or I would have just contacted the men as I knew their work #) So the principal remained the same for me.<P>My H told me there were times he didn't out and out lie to me, but he mainly just didn't tell me the truth. That speaks to me, you see its the same result.<P>You asked what changed for me, well first I don't have to worry about being in the mall and having a mad man come at him, or whatever. This could have happened at time I was in true healing and the outcome could have devestating results for ME. Timing is everything. I just feel free and also when I think of what I'll do in the future with my marriage, this is no longer a concern. It's like I could just deal with the issue at hand.<P>I haven't decided what I'll do yet, but I think having the air cleared is like playing soccer on a field that is full of weeds and thorns, and you just cant see the net. Now I see the field differently.<P>I hope this makes sense to you.

Hi Athena,<P>I'm glad your responded as I feel we do have this common thing. I changed my mind during therapy only because she kept saying, what's in it for YOU? And at the time I really couln't answer that, but now, I see the benefits and I don't think you do until it all shakes out.<P>I said the reasons were If the first H had told me I could have possibly been spaired the last 3 years. I think we could have worked it out and we could have been in recovery for 3 years now. I know things would have not gotten to the point they did had the power of the secret been broken. That's another issue as well, there is POWER in knowledge, potential for good and evil. Once it was out in the clear, the power was truly broken. I felt I didn't want to be a part of the "secret". If I chose to just go away and leave it alone, I would be saying there is merit in deceit. I would be just as wrong.<P>I also realized my position never changed, they deserved to know, the only thing that changed was I didn't think I should have been the catalyst. (Or I would have just contacted the men as I knew their work #) So the principal remained the same for me.<P>My H told me there were times he didn't out and out lie to me, but he mainly just didn't tell me the truth. That speaks to me, you see its the same result.<P>You asked what changed for me, well first I don't have to worry about being in the mall and having a mad man come at him, or whatever. This could have happened at time I was in true healing and the outcome could have devestating results for ME. Timing is everything. I just feel free and also when I think of what I'll do in the future with my marriage, this is no longer a concern. It's like I could just deal with the issue at hand.<P>I haven't decided what I'll do yet, but I think having the air cleared is like playing soccer on a field that is full of weeds and thorns, and you just cant see the net. Now I see the field differently.<P>I hope this makes sense to you.

Crushed - I understood your comments perfectly, particularly the ones about if WE had known the first go around, maybe we wouldn't be dealing with the second and also the potential mall attack scene. <P>I keep going around in circles on this I'm afraid. Their affair is over, he will be taking a new job soon (offer is being drawn up now), and we are doing as well as can be expected ....so why would I want to risk it? She has a small child and I do worry that her H might not be too forgiving (unlike some of the guys on this board). BUT, that other voice in me says he has a right to know, she had unprotected sex at least once (w/my H), endangering herself, him and her child (not to mention me and mine) and if I were him I would want to know it.<P>Thanks for your input, and let me know how things go. I particularly liked your soccer analogy. We are a soccer family (we all play) and you can imagine how good it feels to wail on that ball some Saturdays (now whose face is there this time ? .