I used to be vibrant, out going, a big-mouth, a laugher, a social guru who loved having fun. Now I don't speak to anyone, my job search has turned into a self assesment trip (fostered my OH) in which he brightly shone the light in my face that I am not qualified for much and although I have a job now these new techie college grad will steal my job for half the pay if I don't get my butt in motion.<P>We have been having this type of converstion too often lately, bringing me to tears. Last night was too much, a touch of his relationship with his ex, why we are where we are (aka what I did) and how basically I have poor work eithic and no drive.<P>I know this was not an attack on me personally and we agreed not to talk about it anymore, because he get extremely frustrated with me (and I 'm tired of feeling worthless).<P>I know I don't have an drive anymore. I don't have any stability. I practically live with him (I sleep there), but all my clothes and bills are at my folks house. So where do I live? Got me.<P>I've been down before, but I just want to sit here now. I wrote a paper in college about wanting to be the head of the family (ie, let my husband stay home with the kids etc.) I had real balls!<P>I don't know who that girl is.

hi ta, are you on antidepressants? See a counselor? I am not sure why people think they need to beat up on you, but it really sounds like that is what is going on? He seems to be going out of his way to hurt you? Have not heard from you for awhile, so I may be missing somethings here....catch us up if you think it will help. (((hugs))) cl

Hi TA<P>Sorry for your troubles.... Easy to say then do but it all starts with attitude and an appretiation for life itself. Work on a positive attitude and everything else will fall in place. I find when I am down and feeling like crap I grab a coffee and just watch the clouds in the sky go by. I look for the little things in life that have no bearings on me like bees buzzing or squirls running around. Maybe I'm in LA LA Land but I start to chuckle and carry on. It feels great to be alive and all other issue come second. <P>Start exercising to get rid of any anxiety and have inner peace of mind that life is great. A frontal labotomy may help too.. HAHAHA<P>Take Care

I know that I disappear and then show back up periodically, but it's susally good. Things have been healthy. I continue to have this problem with self value. My problems with his ex still creep up periodically, but I won't go into that now. All I can say is that he's not trying to beat me down he's just being truthful. He was never one foer fluff which is fine. Tell it like it is. But I feel like I never do anything right. He says its not just with him. With my Dad , sis and Mom too. Hence the reason why I cry so much. Take everything personally. But this is just too much for me. I can't hold up anymore.<P>I'm obviously not playing the game right so I might as well step aside before I get hurt. I always thought I would do well...now I'm not so sure.

Hey TA,<BR>Depression is the absolute worse and it sounds as though you are right in the middle of it. The funny thing is that no matter how forthright the truthful the information is, it's not the time to be hearing it. I wish I could do something for you right now but I can't. Just know that the real you, the vibrant fun loving person is there and is waiting to get out. I would suggest you have a talk with your BF and tell him you are in a dark place and need some compassion not an analization of current (and temporary) attitudes. Get some proffessional help for you, don't try to handle it on your own. If you can let go of the bad feelings and thoughts. Make a concious decision to give the baggage away. Give it to God if you are religious (worked for me) or give it to the universe or something but let it go.......<BR>

tornapart<BR>You are a very worthy person. God gave you that worth and no one can take it away!!!!<BR>you are tired. Give yourelf a break.<BR>I know how you are feeling. My H has a tendancy to only mention the negatives.<BR>Kind of like the old saying " No one notices the housework unless it's not done."<P>So the only thing you can do is remember that the only one you really can please is yourself.<BR>It was very hard for me to learn not to take my H's criticisms personally. I had to learn that is just the way he is. He likes to supervise.<BR>During the day he phones about 5 times from work. Usually he has something he needs me to do. I realize now that is only an excuse to check on me or let me know he's thinking of me. I don't let it get to me any more.<BR>Try to find some humorous reply. That always works for me. You can make it into something light on your own. <BR>I'm rambling again aren't I?<BR>Just wanted you to know I believe in you!!!!!

As always, you guys have come through for me. Always offering words of encouragement. I don't know if it's actually depression because I have been depressed before and it was a LOT worse than this. CL and Was can vouch for that. I actually thought about writing a book about what I learned about depression. But that was going to fit into my schedule betweem trying to pass certification exams and working on my masters.<P>I think that I have lack of direction and I know in the past I have been lazy. I think it pisses OH off that I make close to the amount that his best techs make. Hey its not my fault they only get paid that much!<P>Anyway, I am really greateful to everyone that offers his/her opinion. I find that the more I hear (read) how others interpret my actions the better off I am for it.<P>Was-sorry I haven't been there for ya. This place is like an addiction. I try to not use it as a crutch but then things get bad and I run back. Oh by the way, I stopped smoking and am gaining all that weight I lost back. Can we say another issue we can save for another day. {Sigh}

tornapart<BR>Don't worry about me!!!! I am too tough and ornry to let this crap get me down for long!!!!<BR>You quit smoking!!! Way to go!!!<BR>I quit for three months in the spring of '98.<BR>Needless to say I am smoking now. not thinking about quitting for a while.<BR>You do know that depression can be part of quitting! Drink lots of water and juice. Plenty of fresh fruit. Exercise if you can. That will get the garbage out of your system faster!!!!

It's amazing to me how I act sometimes. Right now I sit at my desk with the sensation that I am not worth what I am paid for and now I won't take my test until Tuesday which should make me happier (more time to study), but I forsee a problem with me staying in the city late. Anyway, how many times can you take chances when you've seen the results before?<P>It's like I can't win. I can get this burden off my back, by just earning a buck and not trying to climb the ladder anymore. But I know that that will not satisfy him. He doesn't want someone sitting at home cleaning and making him dinner. He want someone who works as hard as he does.<P>Ah ha.<P>I don't work as hard as he does, therefore....<P>oh well, no point taking this out on him. If I had any spine I wouldn't be in this situation anyway.<P>Does anyone know where I can buy a spine?

As I sit at home I can't help but think that I that this too shall pass. I'm always trying to push it off to the side. I won't always feel this way. I guess I always felt that even if I had nothing else at least I knew I could work and make lots of money. I feel now that maybe that's a cluod I am disappointingly showing myself.<P>I guess we'll have to see what happens.<P>Anybody else feel this way?

Hate to break it to ya, Tornapart, but you may be living with a verbal abuser. Check out this url: http://www.intergov.org/web_university/classes/web_303.html<P>--from someone who knows what it's like living with the Great and Terrible Teller of "Truth"

I have written 2 threads (The Lord is my Pacesetter and Something Positive) for those of us that battle with looking at things in a negative fashion and loose our focus....<P>Torn, I feel for you, you need to read that you are wonderfully made by God...Psalm 139 and especially this verse:<BR> How precious also are thy thoughts to me, O God!<BR> How vast is the sum of them!<BR>If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand...<P>It always makes a difference to me that He made me, He knows me and still loves me..<P>Be at peace Your precious in Your creators sight... is that not awesome...

girlfriend: I read your link (at least some of it) and although I can see the connection you might make (based only upon the information I have given you) I would have to say he's more like Was's H. These are men that just say it like it is. As John Gray put it's Men feel that if you as them for help you want them to fix it. And that is exacly what my OH is doing. Giving me a way to fix it. <P>Used2: I might have to go back to active participation in service again. May be I need to be reminded that no matter what, God still loves me.<P>Although I did not see him last night and he does feel bad about it. He said he does not want me to dwell on it and hates arguing with me (did I metion I am very argumentative).<P>Anyway, I really don't think it's him. I think its me. I think that I need to stop trying to please everyone and at the same time not think that my own poop doesn't stink. Can you believe that someone can be both if those? Pretty messed up, huh?<P>Oh well, I guess I am back on the road to finding myself again.

Morning TA, you have e-mail!<BR>Why did you just say that you really do not think it is him-but rather you? It is great that you are accepting your own responsibility for what is happening, but do I hear that you are accepting his too? <BR>Will you do me a favor? Look at what would make you happy instead of what would make him happy? Just for a few minutes...then flip it around and look at what makes him ahppy. Can you find some middle of the road place that would make both of you happy without compromising yourself?

CL-I had to stop reading that cause is was starting to make me cry. I hate blaming stuff on this but I have my period and I ALWAYS get overly emotional (is that possible?) <P>When I said that I have the problem I'm not saying he's perfect and neither does he, but I need to accept who I am and not take everything personally. If I can do that I think that everything will fall into place.<P>Any good books on accepting who you are or not taking everything as a personal insult?<P>Thanks.