well.....

ARe you still paying her phone bills at the house? If so - you could always do what I did when our 4 teenagers kept running up the Long Distance portion of the bill - I called the phone company and had them restrict the account so that non 1-800 and 1-888 numbers could not be dialed. Just a thought.

Of course - if she has a cell phone to use - that doesn't help, but at least you're not having to foot the bill.

No, I am not required under the court order to pay her phone / cell bills (which are together as part of an BellSouth package). And...last month she had the phone account switched to her name with me removed so I can't access the web-site any more.

Good Morning all -

It seems hard to believe, but 6 months ago today is when I gave WW the Plan B letter. This has been the most volative and change filled 6 months of my life.

I've had a bit of a hard time recently struggling with this whole thing. I do firmly believe that I did / have done the right thing. But...I sure expected it to turn out differently.

I choose not to post the end of last week because there are some of my other friends here who are in the heat of battle who need the attention of MB'ers more than I.

I think that settling into my new home and getting involved in a new routine has kind of even more so caused me to have to face the harsh reality of the whole thing. I have been so completely immersed in "family" for so long, the stereotypical father of 2 and long-term husband, etc., that to now find myself alone has indeed been a shocker. I think that if none of this had happened, just the fact the boys got married would have been a significant enough life-event to cause some anxiety.

I do find that the life I have is far, far superior to living with WW and her relationship with another man (men). That is a given. But...it is not without a price to pay.

The combination of WW's visit (that we've already hashed out) and the marathon copying of records to comply with the wishes of Attack Dog have really had me on a record low recently. But..training for my volunteer work starts this Thurday night and will be 2 nights a week. I think that will be good for me.

And, the possibility of #2S taking a position at a church not in our town is a bit depressing. That would mean that he would have no reason to come back here EXCEPT to visit. They are not at all close to DIL's parents, of course they hardly see WW, so I can't expect a whole lot of trips just to come see me.

However, on some better news. My friend and his wife were again at church Sunday and in my S.S. class. It is so nice to see him and have that acquintance renewed. His wife was telling me Sunday that she loves old houses so I think I will invite them both over for dinner one night.

Also, #1S/DIL and DIL's mother are coming over for dinner tonight. I'm cooking my world famous Georgia Chicken Cordon Bleu.

Okay, I've rambled on enough for right now.

GOOD MORNING, MIMI....

Georgia

Georgia:

I don't exactly know how to put this in words. Here goes. Your post today sounds more real, more honest about your feelings? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mimi....

I guess I've been kinda fighting depression (even with Lexapro), and I've never been a person prone to this kinda thing, so it's been a little tough.

I'm enjoying some of my reading right now and I think that the changes I'm going through are quite significant. I realize more than ever the importance of friendship and relationships. I visited Reggie once last week and chatted with him. His basketball has a hole in it, so I've got to go buy him another one.

I spend A LOT of time talking to Mrs. Reese. A couple of times I've taken her food over to her house when I've cooked something. I don't know how the poor lady keeps from starving to death. She's 92 and doesn't cook at all. I don't know what she eats, but it can't be much.

Anyway, the house is nice, but the initial excitement wanes to reality. And reality is....my kids are now grown and gone and my wife is in love with another man. But....I've got many, many things to be thankful for and that is what I will need to focus on, as well as new found friendships and ministry to others.

Of less importance. I was laying in bed reading the book that covers the history of my city (back to 1730's)last night by the former homeowner. I was struck by the paradox that 45 years after he wrote the book, and 33 years after his death, I was laying in his former home and reading the book that he wrote. I thought it was kinda neat. I don't know too much about the guy, but I'm glad he left that legacy for me to read.

Georgia

And this is where Plan B turns to a time of getting used to the situation, and beginning to grieve...not for the M that was, but for the M that COULD have been.

I am so sorry.

Who knows why things work out the way they do? The minister said yesterday that whenever he asks "Why?" questions, they is never an answer... (he has lost a son, wife battled(and beat) cancer, mother died when he was 19). We will find an answer some day!

You are a great MAN! You have helped raise two WONDERFUL men (it takes a great man to raise sons!)

We talk on here about what part we played in our M...but what else could you take the blame for? Spoiling her? What woman wouldn't relish getting spoiled (Mimi)? Sure, I guess there are things you can work on within yourself...no one's perfect. But please don't blame yourself for her bad wiring...

Like with the death of a family member, let yourself grieve, throw a funeral for the M, create a memorial, do what YOU need to do help yourself grieve this loss...

Thanks, SHMI...

My IC has as brought up the need to mourn the death of a relationship. I think if we'd been limping along for 28 years in a marriage where we tolerated each other, maybe it wouldn't be quite so bad. But...we've had such a wonderful life together and things have gone so well for us. We've had, IMO, such a close relationship and been so close to each other. Of course, now I hear all about how miserable she's always been, how she had decided to divorce me until she found out she was pregnant with #1s, ad nauseum.

I still find myself stuggling with those "why?" questions, and the truth is, like you say, I don't know and can't know in this lifetime. I find that my life plans (having grandkids, traveling with WW) etc. show me that I am NOT in charge of everything that happens in my life and for some reason there seems to be other plans for me. It is now kind of frightening to realize that I can't see around the curve to what is next.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words and for being there.

Georgia

YES!!

I will share a strategy that has helped me, Georgia. I don't know if it's a MAN THING to do or not. BUT... My journaling has helped me a lot, especially for remembering GREAT THOUGHTS as the one above. The quote above is worth writing down for you to remember in my opinion.

I looked back over my own journal yesterday as I am on the last page of the one I started over a year ago. Previous journals have included my notes from Steve Harley sessions. I write down thoughts from personal Bible studies. I also include what I want to remember at that time from books that I am reading. It has been a great coping strategy and a great resource for me.

Although you are sad, you are struggling with normal and expected grief as STILL has stated.

I SO AGREE with what the minister says about WHY questions. I say that to folks everyday in the work that I do. Do you know that hymn, "FARTHER ALONG"?

"Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine. We'll understand it all by and by. Farther along we'll know all about it..."

Mimi...

I'm not familiar with that hymn.

I haven't previously kept a journal, but I think in many ways that is what I have turned my thread here into. When I go back and read some of my posts from October & November I relive the pain I felt at that time. I may try the journal idea and see how that goes, this is definitely a time in my life that I will someday want to go back and revisit and reflect upon.

There is no doubt that this experience is tranforming my life in many ways. I've come to realize that I was getting too comfortable with significant material things. #1S/DIL was telling me at lunch yesterday about going to a dinner Friday night at the home of one of their fellow church members. They were all starry-eyed at the magnificance of their "mansion". I was able to tell them that I was glad I had the opportunity to live in one really nice house in my life, but I don't miss that and don't see me ever again living in such a luxurious manner. That isn't me....it is much more ME living in the home I am in now.

They told me that even though that house (my former) was really beautiful, it never felt warm and "homey" to them.

Least I sound like I've totally arrived, I never see a Thunderbird that I get a twinge of regret that I'm not still driving one of those. I guess that is a MAN thing...

When I have some more time, I'll post about the volunteer work I'm going to be doing. Something I've wanted to do for a long time and I've just not done it. I think it will be very rewarding and an opportunity for me to use "family" skills from my "past" life.

Georgia

Georgia, you and I are in similar situations: 6 months of plan B and no end in sight, yet.
I have been keeping a journal since before d day. I used to keep one when I was a teenager but when I married and left home I burned them all in the fireplace.

It's very different from what you post here. much more personal and more for thoughts than facts.

I guess when plan B drags on for so long you don't really know whether to just get on with your life and forget you WS or keep plan Bing which is really trying to get on with your life while waiing for the A to end and hoping that your WS will want to come back to the marriage. It isn't easy. This 6th month anniversary seems to be a crucial point (my 6th month anniversary is on the 26th). I too am feeling depressed lately, and like I can't even remember what being married was like! Very weird.

Anyway, I still trust God and believe that he has a purpose for making me go thru this, whatever the final result is. Just like I was committed to my marriage I will now be committed to one year of plan B. If it wasn't called plan B and I was just separated I'd go crazy.

Do tell us of your new activities, they sound very interesting.

I have not been able to go to any more jewelry classes. Too much work, but I still make some stuff at home.

Mimi will keep us on track even if this is taking longer than expected

cc46, FGG:

I had a strange dream of sorts yes2rday afternoon.

I'd just finished working on stripping the window casements for the upstairs bathroom, and we were sitting watching something on the 2be, and I started dozing off. Not quite asleep, but in that sort of twilight zone where things going on around you come through in odd ways.

I was half-watching the 2be, half closing my eyes, when my W said something 2 me. I remember thinking "who is that?" and then, "oh, I'm married. I forgot!"

-ol' 2long

Yes, I have to remind myself sometimes.... 6 months is a long time... and I haven't seen WH in all that time

GG, just one question, in the two hours did you talk with your wife about what God wants, or just "your" requirements?

It's obvious that you cannot "move on" with your life.

It's equally obvious that until a "crisis" is precipitated in your wife's mind, she will NOT have to CHOOSE.

As for your feeling more peace and calm, God IS also a God of Peace. But you ARE still married. You, also, need to make a choice, to BE married or to be divorced. Separation for a time, according to Biblical principles, can be good, but you have gone much further in establishing a new "household." You certainly CAN have two, or more, houses, but the point I am trying to make is you are attemping to live the "single life" while still married. Choose, and be done with it. All the "individual counseling" you've been getting is good for you, but it's not much at "marital counseling." I don't need to tell you that, because you already know that.

Repeatedly in the past I would ask you "who is talking to your wife about God?" You NEVER answered. I expect no more this time around, but this is some example of a "prison ministry" where your wife is the prisoner of adultery from God and from you.

I DO hope you are doing well, but it's time for this "saga" to end one way or the other, don't you think, instead of maintaining the MB version of a TV soap opera?

God bless.

Good Morning to all –

FH, if you think it has been the MB version of a TV soap opera, you may wish to change channels instead of reading today’s post. However, I will answer your question to the best of my ability (before you change channels). Who is talking to WW about God? I don’t know, but I do know that she is still involved in our church, her usual areas of ministry (hand bells), and our Sunday School class. I have heard nothing else from our pastor, so he perhaps is honoring my request not to remove her from the church. I don’t know if he has talked with her, and I expect that to be confidential if he does, unless he or WW chooses to tell me. I also know that our friend “J” is still talking with her. Much to your consternation, I cannot fill that role in her life right now as she has chosen not to follow my (attempt) at leading. I don’t wish to belabor this point. Since the veil was torn in half, we each have access to God without a mediator.

Now, back to OLTL.

Last night was a very, very busy night. Assembled the new lawn mower and mowed the yard. Had a visit from the previous homeowner (which was extremely interesting, more about that later), hung a faux bamboo roll-up shade over my new garage door, etc.

As you will recall, #1S/DIL and her mother were to come to dinner last night. They called about 7:15 and said they were on their way, so I put the chicken on the grill and the veggies on the stove to cook. I was outside tending the chicken and I heard Jeb getting really upset at the fence, and I turned and looked to see WW standing there. I went over and pleasantly greeted her, and then asked what she needed. She said she had just come from her counselor and she wanted to talk about her insight into our R. I told her that as long as her R with OM is still ongoing, there was nothing to talk about. She said that she didn’t want an M that was like a father/daughter relationship where I told her what she could and couldn’t do.

I told her that I had company coming and asked her to leave. She asked who was coming and I told her. She said he is her son too and she was going to stay and see him. I told her that this was my home and I had invited them over, if she wanted to see him she could call him and invite him to her house. She said that this house (mine) is marital property and she had as much right there as I do. I again asked her to leave or I would call the police.

Of course, #1S drove by and saw her car and kept going. He called me and told me to let him know when Mom was gone, that they would be parked and waiting nearby.

So, I again asked her to leave. She said no. I told her I was going to call the police, and she said “go ahead, I want #1S to see his Dad have his Mom arrested”. So, I called 911 and told them that my wife and me were separated, that she was at my house and wouldn’t leave my repeated requests to do so. In about 5 minutes, 2 cop cars pulled up and 2 police officers came up. One took her aside and one asked me what was going on. Then they both spent about 10 minutes in the driveway with her while I was inside finishing the veggies and other stuff.

The officer who had talked to me came back to the door and told me she had agreed to leave. He had advised her that if she came back he would arrest her for criminal trespass. So, I called #1S and told him to come on, and they were finally able to get there about 8:30. He told me WW called him on his cell after she left my house, but he didn’t answer.

So, I was a bit shaken up, as these episodes tend to really unnerve me. But, I was able to get my composure back and have a nice dinner with my family.

GOOD MORNING, MIMI.....

Well....did I do okay this time?

Georgia

Oh....2 things I’ll post about later. 1) training actually starts tonight, not Thursday night. I’ll post later today about the volunteer work I’ll be doing, and 2) some of the things the former homeowner said yesterday afternoon.

Excellent work at the "NO". You learn fast, young padowan learner!

WONDERFUL! WONDERFUL! GREAT JOB!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That was excellent.

You said: I told her that as long as her R with OM is still ongoing, there was nothing to talk about.

PERFECT!!!

And how S/DIL etal stayed out of it and away, and how you were able to allow the police to convince her to go and not get hostile...excellent.

It goes to show how far she is willing to go to have her cake and eat it too. Yes, you spoiled her for too long...she has it in her mind that a M can afford her R with another man.

My H is friends with a man that for years I had never met, I would hear him talk about him..."...... said....." and on and on. During one of our arguments pre-A I was angry that H had a life outside of the M and I had seemed to forego my closest friends, I went to meet this man. We became good friends too.

Now, one night a week I go visit this man and his family. And one night a week my H goes to visit him and his family (he is a single man, but has other family members who live with him). After the A he was a comfort to both H and I.

When recovery began I realized it may be inappropriate for me to remain friends with him. I talked at length with H about this. I in no way am attracted to this man "in that way" and I keep my distance. H and I have agreed to not talk about our R with him (because he tends to tell the other person with his own twist). But we play games and chat about life. We all have common interests. H is VERY OK with me going there. Has encouraged me to keep up the friendship.

But if I thought for an INSTANT that H had some misgivings at all, I would give up this friendship. My M is worth far more to me than any other R with anyone other than family...

I didn't relay this story to ask you to be more forgiving...on the contrary, to show how unmovable she is...and to keep up the good work.

FH, what "favor" would GG be showing his WW if he allowed her back in his life with the OM. What would he be teaching her about M, and about God's plan for M. I commend GG for upholding God's plan. And didn't you say you wouldn't post on this thread anymore?

Since I'm no longer a CA, I'm sorry. I can't help but ask this question. If you are listening, FH, do you consider this a "christlike statement"? Your signature line states, "In Christlike love at all times". This sounds hostile TO ME. Maybe it's just me....

Sorry, Georgia about threadjacking....

Georgia, I'm jumping up and down, saying HIP, HIP, HOORAH, about your encounter with your WW last night!!!!

Okay, I'm going to take a shot at explaining this volunteer thing. I'm sure I'll get some details wrong as I've not been through the training yet, but here goes.

It is called a "Court Appointed Special Advocate" (CASA) program. Kids that are taken from their home by DFACS for whatever reason (abuse, neglect, etc) can be placed in foster care, a temporary shelter, or with another family member. Within 10 days (I think) they appear in court with DFACS who decide what is to happen to the child from that point. The CASA volunteer is there and establishes a relationship with the child, the DFACS employee, and the judge. After the court hearing the CASA volunteer maintains contact with the child and the court. The volunteer is to be "the voice of the child" (their words) and advise the judge of how the child is doing, what the child wishes to do (go back home or whatever) and what the volunteer suggests is in the best interests of the child. The volunteer maintains contact with the family, the child, DFACS, and the court. Periodic reports are written to the judge to update on the well-being of the child.

It is my understanding that this system is used due to the overabundance of cases with minimum DFACS staff. I was told there are currently about 70 CASA volunteers.

So, that is it in a nutshell. I read about this program years ago and it immediately interested me. However, until now I didn't feel I had the time necessary to commit to it. Joining in takes a minimum 1 year commitement, and as I've said 5 weeks of training (Tuesday and Thursday nights for 5 weeks).

I'll know more after tonight.

Georgia

GG,

I think you did fine as long as the goal is divorce. It seems to me that your wife is trying to reach out to you and while it's important to communicate that you don't speak to her until her affair is over, you're not communicating that the door is open if she does. Plan B is not supposed to be an exit strategy....but it seems as though you may be using it that way. I understand why you called the police, but it was a little heavy handed for my tastes and I would have preferred that you just called your son, and agreed to meet for a short time at another location until she left on her own since she was merely being stubborn and rude rather than destructive or violent. A good Plan B statement is tempered with love or hope: "I'd like to talk to you, but the ongoing affair is too painful. Please come back when it's over." Somehow "Get off my property or I'm calling the police" probably won't yield the same results.