Most of you know my story, my W is in love with a married co-worker and has been having an affair for 3 years that I know of. She has asked for a divorce but she is not going to file until we sell our house (which we have done.... almost) and she buys herself a house. We have never separated throughout this whole affair (pun intended) and as of about 1.5 months we are sleeping in separate bedrooms.<BR>My challenge is that my love for her is not going away. I am trying to stay away from her both physically and emotionally but my feelings are not diminishing. I think of her often and want to talk to her all the time but don't (mostly cause she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. We are living completely separate lives and no oppertunity for plan A. The only time it seems we talk is when I am trying to explain why I screwed something up which I do alot it seems. My fear is that I will never get these feelings for her to be gone. That I will always see something to compare other woman to her and they come out lacking. I have given this whole thing over to God because I know there is nothing more that I can do to bring her back to our marriage but I wish that I did not care for and about her so much. The things that she has said to me have more than proven that she has no feelings there anymore so how come my heart still hurts every time I see her. I DO NOT WANT THIS THE REST OF MY LIFE.....<BR>sorry for the ramble......<BR><p>[This message has been edited by mkn (edited September 23, 1999).]

Hey Mike-<P>You are not rambling. You are a loving, caring man, who wants his family back. Because your feeling for her are not diminshing only means that your love for her is real. One day, she will see that, and I can only hope for you that love will conquere all.<BR>You are a brave person to put up with this for so long. <BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers,<P>Cheryl

Hi MKN -<P>I'm sorry for all your pain....don't have anything but a BIG HUG for you!!<P>You know that I am in the same boat (except he's out and filed, etc.) I am also having a hard time with the still loving him as much as I have since I met him. <P>I worry that I will never get past it either. All we can do is - like you say - let God lead us to where we are supposed to go.<P>I hope that God doesn't lead me to the loony-bin though!!!! LOL!<P>Hang in there and keep trying to see any opportunity to make a deposit into that lovebank of hers. <P>HUGS and you're in my prayers,<P>Sheba

Thanks Cheryl and Sheba, it's weird that everything I read says that after a time or you get to a point where you lose the love for the spouse. I hope it comes sooner than later. It could be that it will get easier once we are absolutely living in two different places. I think the best feeling would be apathy, not hatred or bitterness. I just don't want this to be a "monkey on my back" for the rest of my life. Everytime I see her especially with someone else to be hurt.<BR>I know that I knew her heart and it was a good one. She is a hard person to get to know but as much as she tries to tell me I don't know the real her I do.... or did. It has to get easier.....

mkn - I wish I had something to offer you too. You see, I'm in a very similar situation although my W is living with OM. My W has filed for divorce (& here in liberal MN, divorces are handed out like Halloween candy). Unless my W wakes up from this fantasy she's in soon, I too will be single once more.<P>You know, it really sucks that I read about so many betrayers that want to work it out (& their spouses don't) and then there is us betrayed who want to work it out married to betrayers who don't. I really don't get it. I think we have it the worst because of the double whammy...the betrayal and the imminent divorce - neither of which were our decisions.

Shattered 1,<BR>It will be interesting at least to see if our W's affairs end "by the books" and what they do afterwards. The statistics are not in thier favor but by the same token I don't think my W would allow herself to reconcile with me. She is one of those people that very rarely say they are sorry or the type to look back. It seems anyway that this is what she has turned into.<BR>In your case since they are living with each other now the process will accelerate and die a natural death. I hope for your sake it happens soon and she sees what she is giving up. Wouldn't it be great if they came running back wanting to re-build......

Mike - that would be GREAT!! My W is also just as you describe your W...her pride I'm afraid will probably prevent her from returning WHEN she crashes and burns (I'm VERY confident that her affair WILL end...its just a matter of when). She has never been too remorseful throughout our marriage and I don't expect her to start. I think her ego would rather go through a divorce (before or after the crash) than attempt a reconciliation.<P>However, I, like you, gain hope from the many experts (I've read 14 books on infidelity so far) and the many, many individuals on this forum. I put all of my trust in Christ knowing that His plan will be best for me. You must believe that too Mike.<P>Although i too have read that living with the Op tends to accelerate the demise of an affair, there seems to be little to indicate that that's true in my W's affair. The OM is very rich apparently, and is showering my W with gifts, and trips to Europe and San Francisco. He apparently has given her carte blanche to furnish his home...since she is a designer this is heaven to her. My only hope is that my W sees this deciever for who he really is... and soon.<P>I am following your story too Mike. Hang in there buddy.