I'm glad I could help you somewhat...

I guess the most difficult part of all this is putting aside the "plans" we had, and start to make new ones. The good thing is that for those NEW PLANS we don't need to discuss them with anyone and we can do as we see best for ourselves. Sounds selfish, but by this time we have the wisdom acquired with age and we will probably choose something that we really feel comfortable with and therefore be more successful about it.

I think your pond business sounds great!

It's a great plan for the futur!

Good Morning -

Okay, WW and I talked last night. I don't know what to think, I'm soliciting input from folks with some experience in this area.

We had some small talk about the house, dogs, her mom's health issues, etc. Then she started telling me that she is feeling better. She said her psychiatrist has diagnosed her as being Type-II Bi-polar. She said she thought I would want to know to help me understand why she said some of the things she'd said.

However, I didn't sense any sudden "oh my...what am I doing?" sort of epiphany. I asked her how OM is doing and she said he is just fine. He still has his job and OMW is still working in the coffee shop. She said that OMW recently started taking AD's and her depression is better now.

Okay....what does this all mean to me?

Georgia

Bipolar Disorder is a major, chronic, life-long psychiatric condition..responsive to medication treatment...resulting in "major impairment in interpersonal relationships"...

This can well-explain her involvement in the EAs...

Folks with untreated Bipolar Disorder lack emotional and behavioral control...

So your wife, in other words, as others have said, has major emotional disturbance...

Georgia, there is an medical explanation for what she has been doing..

What are YOUR REACTIONS to this?

Mimi...

My reaction?

Remember our term "bittersweet"?

I don't know what to think, and I'm confused.

I wish I knew what else to say, but I don't. And, I don't know what to do.

Georgia

I know money is tight but what about a call to SH? Bipolar disorder is difficult to understand.

I've scheduled an appointment for 2:30 tomorrow.

Georgia:

What a dilemma for you! I'm glad that you have scheduled with Steve. I trust his judgement on this..

It's the same as if you've learned that she has MS or even cancer...

Bipolar Disorder II is considered a lifelong condition...

It was wise of her to inform you. That is meaningful..

Let us know how this goes...

You are in my prayers as usual...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bi-Polar or no, it is easy for her to blame her new diagnosis for the choices she has made. This can be an adequate explanation for WHY she has made some choices, but now that she is armed with this new information, why is she CONTINUING this behavior?

Did you let her know you weren't happy about the ongoing R with OM, and that is the reason for the D?

It sounds like it will be too easy for her to hide behind this diagnosis, "...poor me, I am not to blame for my choices, for you see, I have BPD..."


Edited to add:

Wow am I sounding "sour" today...

Seems rather convenient that your WW tells you about this now. I'd strongly suggest you get an actual diganosis from her doctor, and not take your WW's word for it.

I have a friend who is bipolar, several marriages under her belt, but has never used her condition as the reason the marriage didnt work out.

Mimi & SHMI...

If I found out now that she has MS or cancer, I wouldn't consider those diseases that in any way accounted for her behavior. It may seem cold, but she and I discussed her life long care IF she had MS before we separated. She was very open in saying that she wasn't sure if OM would care for her the way she knew I would, but she knew her happiness was with him anyway. So...finding out now she had MS would not change my course of action.

On the other hand...if there is a medical EXPLANATION...not an EXCUSE...but an EXPLANATION, now that is a whole different story. However, let me say right up front that I am very, very skeptical that all blame can be exonerated by this diagnoses. But...I have no real knowledge of this issue.

I called my IC and spoke to him this morning. I told him what I've found out and asked if, in his opinion, WW's actions could be reasonably explained by her BPD. Keeping in mind that he has had one in-person session with her, and one phone session, his opinion was "no". He said that her behavior was consistent and long-term, and that he believed she was quite capable of making decisions and knowing right from wrong. He said that if her behavior was erratic and / or short term, he would be more likely to accept BPD as a cause of her actions.

Also...I've e-mailed my airplane doctor friend. She is going to call me sometime today between patients and discuss her thoughts on this.

Georgia

Edited to add - I didn't address her R with OM other than to ask about him. She knows very, very well how I feel about it. And she knows that by my asking, I was gauging if it is still on-going.

Did she JUST receive this diagnosis or has she already started medication so that it has had time to take affect? Her therapy should also be adjusted to include cognitive behavioral therapy. If this is all new then you have no way of knowing what effect all of those things will have on her behavior and acceptance of her responsibility for her wrong choices.

Thursday is just a couple of days from now. I don't know if you should change your course at this point. The door may be left open to reconcile at some future time.

I don't think she JUST got the diagnosis, but I get the impression that it has been within the past couple of months. She is on Paxil ER & Wellbutrin.

In other actions...

There is a major medical school here. I have called the office of the dept chair of the behavioral / psychiatric dept and gave a brief synopsis of the situation. The asst I spoke with said she would see if she could have one of the doctors call me and discuss this issue.

I think I need all the input I can get in this very, very short window that I have to make a life-altering decision.

Georgia

Hi GG

just doing a drive by and saying a big hello to you!.

Aussie rang from Afghanistan the other week - just after it was incorrectly reported he & his team were injured - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> so THAT was a relief.
He asked me to drop by to say 'G'day mate'. So I am <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

My SIL - well soon to X SIL - also suffers from bi polar and its been terrible until very recently for my brother because of her very long term affairs.. she has FINALLY got treatment and nows wants to talk reconcilation but I afraid my brother is not exactly forgiving right now... hard to blame him really. Sadly they have 3 little girls.

Her behaviour very much like your WW over a number of years & right in his face.

My IC is also a Med doctor as well as a Psychiatrist - teaches medicine & psych at uni - explained to me - actually she had to write it down in the end so I gave my brother the right info ....

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. These shifts in behaviour may be long term unless treated. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide.
Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviours, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.
The good news is that it can be treated effectively with a number of drugs.

However she did say its very dangerous to make assumptions of what caused certain behaviour by painting any particular behaviour with the a big brush of 'yes thats bipolar' or 'no thats not bipolar'. You really need experienced medical practioners who specialise in treating bipolar to disgnose this.

Dont know if it helps aside from more info for you.

HOPE things go better for you


AW

I await Steve's opinion..

I personally believe "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH"...

I personally believe that if she actually does have a diagnosis of BI-POLAR DISORDER it can account for her actions...

It is a biologically-caused disorder...totally out of her control...

This fits with you feeling like you had no contribution..

As to whether you want to remain married to someone with such a problemmatic condition, that's your choice. I can understand your reservations about this...

Georgia:

What are the credentials of your counselor? I'm glad that you are consulting with the local university.. That is how BIPOLAR II DISORDER is differentiated from BIPOLAR I.

BPD II is chronic, long-standing and not erratic and short-term..

I think my wh is bipolar. If I found this out for sure I would be relieved that he will finally get help. I don't think that would change my decisions (thats if I can make one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) I too believe in sickness and in health but adultery is also a commandment and I don't think she will stop this addiction until she is on the right meds and gone through a transformation.

My mom has a friend who divorced her bipolar husband -- he had a series of affairs through out their marriage. She is in such a better place now that she is away from it -- she said she could tell when he was manic by the way he signed the child support checks.

Are you thinking of postponing the divorce proceeds? Does she want to stop the divorce proceeds?

I am thinking of you during this tough time.

tdr

FGG:

I certainly don't post much, but I've been following your situation since you came to these boards. Perhaps the answer can be simplified...

Do you love her as she is today (and has been for the past several years)? Or, do you love the 'possibility' of her getting better and the 'possiblity' of regaining something you had with her 10 to 20 years ago?

IMHO, I do not think you can assume that she will change. I thought change was required for the M to survive. And if she does change you can reinvest your emotions back into a relationship with her after the D.

She has not hit bottom yet.

Gib

Wow...so much input. I'll try to hit the high spots and answer as many questions as possible.

As far as postponing the divorce, I really don't know yet. I too believe in the sickness and health clause. Can I love someone her with BPD? Yes, I think so. Can I LIVE with someone who continues R's with other men (whatever the reason)? No.

As far as the IC credentials, I don't know all to tell you. I do know he is a "Dr.", is in his 70's and a career counselor. He was formerly the head of the psychology dept at the local university (not the med school).

No one has called me back from the med school, I don't know if they will.

I called my CASA coordinator (M.S.) and asked if there was anyone on staff with knowledge of BPD. She called me back after talking to the center director who is finishing her Ph.D. and supposedly is knowledgeable. I'm suppose to call her ("Amy") in 15 minutes to discuss this with her.

My oh my what a difference a day brings!!!

Georgia

Nothing is different -- except her behavior has a "title."

You Guys:

The lack of sensitivity to MENTAL ILLNESS is making me sad.

Her behavior is more conceivable and understandable than if she had CANCER even....

IMHO, Georgia should very carefully consider his next steps..

If his WW is BIPOLAR and does agree to take medication...her behavior can change considerably...

She can return back to her old self....

This is not just about "hitting bottom" if there is a diagnosed mental illness...

I stand by viewpoint:
For Georgia: "In sickness and in health..

For Her: "Forsaking all others....

I'm glad that she told him about her diagnosis if she is telling him the truth..

This could have prevented a tragic mistake...that could not easily be undone...

I don't understand the BIG HURRY TO DIVORCE in this case...