Good Morning, Mimi…

I know you care, and right now that is what I need from folks more than anything else. I don’t think anyone can ever understand this phase unless they’ve been there, and I don’t know if I can ever explain it to where it would make sense.

My recollection of those early days of our marriage is, or was, wonderful. We were both working, but 2 evenings a week we would pack a dinner (we couldn’t afford to eat out) and head to Ft. Lauderdale for evening classes. Some classes we took together and we would do our assignments together and discuss things we learned. One class we took was a marriage class. I loved those early days when we were poor but having (I thought) so much fun.

But recently I’ve begin to hear her say how I “followed” her to classes because I couldn’t let her out of my sight. And…in court to talk about how she actually had to wait on me in the car to get out of class! It just seems like the 2 of us were living totally separate lives, having totally different perceptions of the same events.

And the (seemingly) orchestrated attack by her and her attorney about how I’ve been a “controlling” husband, never allowing her to have her own way in anything. The obvious inference that who could blame her for seeking other men with a husband like me? She even made reference to (guess what?) the T-bird and said that’s the way I’ve always been, never discussing anything with her, just doing whatever I wanted to do without any regard for her. My perception of life is that I have been WAY too mellow (henpecked, some might say) in allowing her to control ME….

And then, her telling the judge how good Mr. OM (that’s right, he was Mr. OM in court) has been for her, and how he understands her.

Anyway, you get the point. That’s what keeps haunting me. It’s like a whole life time of memories got tossed into one of my little coal burning fireplaces and went up in a plume of black smoke. Do I buy that she was always like this? No, I don’t. It seems to me that once she hooked up with #1OM she was never the same and it has just been a gradual slide further into the marital abyss ever since. That is when she disappeared and only popped her head back out (partially) briefly between #1OM and #2OM.

I’m not going to try to explain the xFIL thing. I just know that I can expect her to continue wherever and whenever she can to paint me with the villain brush. I suspect that’s she’s playing the “poor me” card with her parents and they may be feeling sorry for her. And yes…they’ve been married about 55 years.

I know you keep asking me about my contribution. SH told me when we talked 2 weeks ago that my CONSTANT talking with her (morning, afternoon, evening) ruled out her plea that her husband was “ignoring” her. He further stated (in the past) that the “patient was not responding to the medication” as he would expect when discussing my actions with her that he was directing.

I know that we are often blind to our own contributions to marital faults and our own shortcomings, but I’m just having a hard time adding a lot more to the list. Remember that for a long, long time I have been reading all the marriage books and even going to counseling during the #1OM episode trying to do anything I could to be the husband she needed me to be.

Her one consistent statement is that I just don’t understand her, and OM does. I’m about ready to give her that one and concur, I just don’t understand her.

I feel for her too, Mimi. If she’s crying out and trying to tell us something, I don’t know how to decode the cry. And neither, apparently, does SH or my local IC.

I don’t want us all to cast the proverbial stones…but what more can I do? I DO NOT understand her.

Georgia

From everything you've described I can't begin to understand her either.

A technique you might try on the persistent tapes in your mind is when a thought surfaces instead of fighting it...try freeze framing the thought and focusing on it...a kind of stare down contest. I found that if I did that the thought would soon lose its power and discipate.

Doing that has worked for me. You can try to establish a positive habit with practice. There is nothing written that we must entertain any negative thought that enters our minds. Those thoughts seem to become compulsively obsessive. I'd rather not give them that power by getting into a negative thought habit.

Those negative memory tapes never seem to go anywhere when we entertain them. We don't solve any problems by allowing those tapes to keep replaying.

Hi, Georgia.

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If she’s crying out and trying to tell us something, I don’t know how to decode the cry. And neither, apparently, does SH or my local IC.
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Well, I won't make any claims but I will tell you what I think I have observed of you (and your wife via you) from a distance.

The problem with your wife is that when she cries, someone, mostly you, always runs to comfort. Few of us are afforded that luxury in this life. You can't learn to stand on your own if someone is always available to pick you up whenever you fall. Doesn't work on a bicycle. Doesn't work in life.

I realize that I am a hard [censored], Georgia, but she appears spoiled from my vantage. The only way to fix that is to let her scrape her knees.

I don't know about you, but I have had to spend lots of time waiting on other people. Your wife was offended that she perceived herself waiting on you in the car. That is simply the little princess showing through. Plain and simple, old as sin itself, selfishness.

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble:

Are you saying that Mrs. Georgia was SELFISH for all of their years of marriage and Georgia didn't notice?

I've been under the impression that she has changed over the past five years or so and now is rewriting their marital history...

Mimi..who continues to be "spoiled" by her H...of course, I also "spoil" him...GIVE AND TAKE....

I guess I am hoping that Georgia won't be hesitant about treating any future "love interests" like a PRINCESS...out of some fear of recreating Mrs. Georgia...

Good Morning Mimi (and others)..

I know your comments are directed at Gimble, but I’ll comment.

Another thing she said in court that I haven’t mentioned here. Before she started working for the school (about 10 years ago), she had another part time job. She worked for a company doing “mystery shopping” as well as stocking video tapes at Wal-Mart. They would ship cases of tapes to the store, she would go there to the receiving department and get the tapes and then stock them on the displays in the store. She always seemed to kind of enjoy this, and it was only maybe 4-8 hours a week at the most. The company eventually lost their contract and the job ended.

Anyway, in court when she was discussing jobs she had done and her qualifications for future work, she brought up that job. She said she found it “humiliating” to stock video tapes at Wal-Mart. That was the first time I’d ever heard her say anything like that, or indicated that she had been so displeased with doing that job.

Point is…it seems like not only her marital history is being rewritten, it’s almost like her life story is being rewritten. More like the “alien” theory, it’s like whatever became of my wife? This lady doesn’t even THINK like her anymore. And her relationship with me is just one piece of this mosaic that she is rewriting in her mind.

Georgia

Georgia:

My post was not just directed at GIMBLE..

I want to make sure you catch this:



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Yes, Mimi, I caught that.

I think now that I realize that different folks respond differently to the same situations.

I actually got a lot of joy from the things I did for her, and I would probably not hesitate to do it again FOR SOMEONE WHO WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

I suspect there are women would like wake to fresh cut roses, a chocolate kiss, and love notes in the morning. Or a cooked breakfast served to them in bed on Saturday...or a floral arrangement at least once a month, etc.

Who knows...there may even be a woman out there who would like to drive a ....nah....that would be just too cruel.

Georgia

And….in other news.

I am in all likelihood about to change positions in my company. My (new) boss, whom I’ve actually worked for once before, has been tasked by our new president with realigning our department to fit our new business plan.

I would be taken out of the role of managing the 2 groups (departments) that I currently manage (GA & TX). Instead, I would be program manager for all major programs within our company anywhere. We discussed that yesterday at length and I agreed that I thought it was a good idea. Our West Coast manager would assume my duties in GA & TX.

It will definitely be a new challenge. We’ve never had anyone in that position before and I think it might be kind of fun. I’d probably be doing more traveling to the mid-west instead of TX, but that’s okay.

Don’t tell anyone….but I’m actually much more excited about studying landscape architecture than I am doing anything related to flying machines these days!!

In other REALLY BIG NEWS….I was measured again last night and I’ve lost 1.5” around my waist since I started working out!!

Georgia

Ok. Confession time...I'm getting the FRESH CUT FLOWERS...LOVE NOTES..AND BREAKFAST..HINTING ABOUT A NEW CAR..No chocolate though..H is a health nut so I have to buy my own chocolate...OH WELL...THE LIFE OF A GODDESS....

The difference now is I am definitely showing and expressing APPRECIATION...I can hardly believe how much it means to him and I didn't notice...He almost PURRS when I just say THANK YOU....

Yes, Georgia..Do this for the RIGHT PERSON...who CAN and WILL APPRECIATE YOU...

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Also, BTW, Congratulations on that waist-line!!

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“I suspect there are women would like wake to fresh cut roses, a chocolate kiss, and love notes in the morning. Or a cooked breakfast served to them in bed on Saturday...or a floral arrangement at least once a month, etc…”

Sorry to intrude, but that’s funny. Are there any women on earth or the mother ship that wouldn’t enjoy that?

I did that very thing generally twice a month for most of our M. After DDay 1 in 1998 I made sure I never missed an opportunity for the above and lots more, too. I brought flowers all the time, I bought flowers for DS to give her, I made breakfast in bed almost every weekend, I bought jewelry, presents, cards for no reason, wrote poetry (some of it even fairly good), I … well, I could go on for pages.

I did this from the beginning of our M and intensified after the first A and then re-intensified after the first LTA DDay.

She definitely appreciated it. But even so, it made no difference whatsoever. She lapped it up and went off to make love to OM at every opportunity anyway.

YUK! I wish this MESS would ALWAYS MAKE LOGICAL SENSE...but it doesn't....YUK!!!

I'm REALLY SORRY that this HAPPENED to you APHELION...

Amphelion...you've got me beat!! I read poetry, but I haven't tried writing it!! (Seriously, it does kinda make you feel like a door mat, doesn't it?). BTW - xW didn't like the way I read.

Mimi....can't you get him to spring for at least a little chocolate kiss? How bad can that be (just don't find his stash and eat the whole bag!).

And...are you going to be able to tell us what kind of car your hinting for? At least let us know if the top comes down.

Suggestion: I would push for the Lexus SC430 convertible hard top ($63K) - best of both worlds, definitely a GODDESS MOBILE.

Georgia

Oh...and thanks for the waist-line comment.

Soon I can start buying my pants at Eddie Bauer again instead of Bozo's Britches.

FGG,

I've just caught up on your thread. Sorry about the court exerience. It's just horrible hearing all that personal stuff aired out in a courtroom.

I for 1 will never go through that experience again. I hope you are well and peaceful soon.

You did EVERYTHING right. Glad to see you talked to SH recently, and that you have the continued support of the wonderful people here.

Thank you, CSue.

I am thankful for the support of the wonderful people here, too.

I've had my fill of court rooms for quite some time, that is for sure. I think that was just about the worst thing of this whole sordid mess, having my wife try so hard to convince the judge that she "deserved" another man.

Sigh.....

Georgia

Hi, Mimi.

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Are you saying that Mrs. Georgia was SELFISH for all of their years of marriage and Georgia didn't notice?
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I think that is highly likely, although less so in their early years, more so in their late years. She definitely had built quite the tower of entitlement, and while I am certain that Georgia didn't intentionally feed her ever growing hunger, he did feed it none the less.

You can be a princess all you want Mimi, but anyone engaging in unreciprocated love for an extended period of time will find themselves in a position to be damaged.

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I guess I am hoping that Georgia won't be hesitant about treating any future "love interests" like a PRINCESS...out of some fear of recreating Mrs. Georgia...
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It is my opinion that Georgia should be EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS in treating any potential mate like a veritable porcelain doll - ever.

All the best,
Gimble

Could you detect any reaction from the judge as your XW was stating all of her justifications? Could you read anything in her face? Was she able to remain neutral?

I can't imagine the judge buying into her story. They must hear all kinds of stories and have learned to tune out the absurd.

Actually, I was quite impressed with the very, very impartial nature of the judge. I really couldn't tell what she was thinking. She was very attentive and listened to the whole thing.

She asked me if I was sure I was ready to go forward with the divorce or if I would like to postpone it (this after her attorney made the BP comments). I told her that I had done all the research that I had needed to do regarding BP and I was convinced that a continuation of the marriage would mean the continuation of the R with another man, which I wasn't willing to do.

She gave my attorney a knowing look and he started asking me obviously canned questions (i.e. - do you agree that your name is...?, do you agree you were married on ....?) etc.

When he finished, the judge said she was ready to rule, then she slowly and thoughtfully read off her list of alimony, division of assests, etc.

We all stood, my attorney said "thank you your honor", and we walked out.

WW and her attorney were still in the courtroom with her boo-hooing uncontrollably (WW, not the attorney).

Georgia

Ok, Gimble...

Thanks for your permission....

Yes, I am my H's Princess...AND..He is my Prince....!!!!

Oh My..and you didn't even say GOD BLESS to me...just ALL THE BEST...

Well, Excuse Me For Living!!!

Signing off in a Regal Huff (adjusting toga)...as Princess..Goddess..Whatever...

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