Like the rest of the email generation, my H and I frequently exchange funny emails with friends and family. The OW used to be on the list. After he broke things off with her, she was no longer on the list. Today I got a 'joke' email from him and she was also on the list to receive it. What do I make of this? Keep in mind, he filed for divorce last week. Does he figure that since he filed for divorce he's no longer obligated to keep away from her? Are we all supposed to be friends now?<P>He has said that he won't resume a relationship right away, but I'm skeptical. I wonder if the guilt of the affair was just too much, and now he figures he's FREE to pursue this other relationship.<P>I'm probably reading way too much into this. But it really pisses me off to be included in a list with her. I'm tempted to write back and tell him if he must correspond with her he should take me off the list, since I don't appreciate being included in the same group with his affair partner. I'm also tempted to hit 'reply all' so it will go to the others on the list (including people at work, where he thinks they still don't know about his affair). <P>To avoid lovebusters, I should just keep my mouth shut about it. But right now I'm fuming. The last thing I need at work is to be confronted with HER name in my inbox! What do you all think?

It is grossly insensitive. It may or may not mean a thing, but it is in such poor taste. Shame on him.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I agree, grossly insensitive. Who cares what he's thinking. Do ask him to take you off his list. Like you're in a joking mood. And even if you were, it's totally inappropriate.<P>------------------<BR>--Girlfriend in a coma (I know, I know it's serious)

A few thoughts.<P>First, I think it's extremely likely he's seeing her in some capacity. I've done too much reading and hung around the board too long to think that he's sacrificing his family, without even trying to work things out, unless he's got an OW. The fact that he sees her at work everyday suggests to me he's probably in the "stabilizing period" described in Torn Asunder, of perpetual off and on tensions with no one really ending anything. It could go on for years like this.<P>Secondly, I assume you're still trying to save your marriage, otherwise you wouldn't keep hanging around with us (I know we're such great company but still). At this stage, I think the only way you guys have a shot at it is for the affair to end and for him to get through withdrawal. Then you get the chance to work the marriage with him actually trying. Basically, you're dependent on them breaking up, once and for all, and getting away from each other. <P>So, drawing this to the next level, what do you do? Whatever it is, you don't want your husband associating interference in this situation from you. Conversely, I think one of the best things that could happen at this point is for the situation to get completely exposed at work and have them both deal with the humiliation (aka reality). It would be even better if one of them had to leave or there was a sexual harrassment lawsuit to deal with (I realize I'm probably sounding a bit vindictive here, but that's not my motive. Until they actually deal with repercussions from the affair, there's great romance in the secret, unreal life.).<P>Presumably, this will all come to light at some point, but it may not do so according to the timeline now dictated by his divorce filing. Without that time limit I would tell you to stay completely away from this subject, swallow hard, and forget the e-mail. But with the time limit, I would be tempted to do something to accelerate the exposure, or at least avoid covering it up. Doing a "Reply All" on the e-mail may or may not be a believable mistake, but I think it's too close to you directly.<P>I am treading close to violating the MB rule of honesty in my guidance to you, so you might want to throw out what I'm saying (and many of the veterans are going to flame this advice, as I would have done myself a few months ago). But I bet there's a creative way to put yourself in a situation where it comes out without you taking a direct hit. I know in my own case, when people ask me about the affair directly, I do not lie.

Hi Annie,<P>It's been a long time since I posted on one of your threads...haven't been around much due to other obligations... but this week I'm trying to catch up here. Your post caught my eye.<P>Interesting predicament you're in. What to do? After thinking, I'd say philosophically I agree with Distressed. It's time for something unusual.<P>I too notice in you what Distressed has. You haven't given up yet. It appears he's pretty damn close to it. And, it's more than the divorce papers, although that's an obvious one. Others are more subtle.<P>Example: my "take" on including you both on the "ha-ha" list is that it's an attempt towards normalization of separate relationships with both of you. In his consciousness, what could be more friendly, jovial, and cozy than sharing a little joke? All's right with the world, right? I think I'd puke too.<P>Here's my "take" on circumstantial departures from Harley's philosophies: do whatever you think you have to do that will increase the odds of your marriage surviving. Ohhhhhhh yes, that is like walking on a razor blade, I do realise! <P>What I'm saying here is think long and hard about it. But, don't shy away from taking action to save your marriage that may work for the long run. Just think about the potential to backfire as well. If I read Distressed correctly, we're saying the same thing.<P>So, Distressed is right. Find a creative way to bring this to full light of day. But, be careful of the backlash of resentment. I'd say doing nothing in your case would be the ultimate lovebuster. He's not gonna magically come to his senses when the divorce comes thru. Fight for him as effectively as you can, Annie.

I vote for hitting "Reply to All" myself. <P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Animac - I have to say W has been more careful. When she forwards e-mails from her mother, the mail headers are in the message. However, about half the e-mails have had the header deleted. Hmmmm, wonder where she got them from....

Thanks for the input! I wonder about revealing the affair. Harley says the affair dies out after exposure. But is it exposure when he keeps it a secret from certain areas of his life? <P>Here's another weird one. After doing nothing to find a new job for months, now that he's decided on divorce he seems to have picked up the job hunting activity. Maybe its the control thing -- he couldn't get a new job just because I wanted him to. Today I got a phone call from someone wanting to interview him. He's sending out his resume with this address/phone on it! <P>I haven't given up. Even though I probably should. Interesting -- today I asked a lawyer I was interviewing how many people she knows who have filed for divorce and not gone through with it. She said hardly any. Then I asked my therapist the same question. She had an interesting perspective. She says they usually go through with the divorce, but she knows quite a few who have remarried later. Basically they have to go through the process in order to acheive whatever personal growth is necessary. It's very, very hard to fix what's wrong when divorce is looming overhead. Right now, my H and I are in opposing camps -- he wants out and I want to hang on. The fact that I've been hanging on so diligently may in fact prevent him from acknowledging the parts of himself that don't want to let go. Sounds like the DivorceBusting philosophy -- do a 180. <P>I'm not good a playing it cool. The email made me wonder if he's resumed the relationship with her. After the phone call from the potential employer, I called him to give him the message. Tried his apartment, work, finally pager. When he called back on his cell phone (yes, he has the deluxe affair kit) I couldn't help asking him what he was doing tonight. He said he worked late and was on his way back from the video store with a movie. Since he couldn't write the phone number down in the car, he said to call his apartment and leave a message. Instead I called later to see if he was really there. What are you doing? Watching the movie. How come you're out of breath? Actually I was in the bathroom when the phone rang and had to run to catch it. And so forth. Basically, me grilling him about his activities and whereabouts. I have no idea why he even puts up with this.

Sorry for rambling!

Are you still considering moving back East?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I think I would reply all, and delicately ask all to remove you from the mailing list, as there was someone who has freely added your email address to a mailing list that is very uncomfortable.<P>It's not naming names, and it's totally true. He is responsible for his own actions, and let the chips fall where they fall.<P>Then I would also tell each person on the list if you would like to continue receiving email from them. She'd be the only one that wouldn't get that request. <P>It seems this is how you would handle it if your email address was sent out unknowingly with others, right? I mean, I feel like this sometimes, but not because my husband emails me with the OW, but because some people just assume it is okay to broadcast my email address to the world. And it isn't.<P>Said my piece. Thank you.

The job transfer didn't work out. And I don't want to leave my company because I have lots of stock options. Of course, if he tries to argue that he's entitled to half the options as part of a settlement I'll just quit. It's not worth staying for half. <P>It's not really a mailing 'list', he just chose to send it to each of us. Some of the other people on the list are business associates of his outside the company, so I don't think I'll do it. I just get these ideas when I'm really angry. Twice I've driven to his office to confront OW -- I drive around the parking lot and leave. <P>From a legal point of view, my proposal for him to move home for 6 months (see my other thread 'divorce papers') is a bad idea. He was here Tuesday night and we talked about work, etc., and he never brought up my proposal or anything else. I didn't bring it up either. I think its weird how he does this. He said today he wants to talk to me about a job possibility. Huh? Why is he wanting to discuss job possibilities with me when we are getting a divorce? <p>[This message has been edited by Animac (edited September 24, 1999).]

Hi Annie,<BR> How are you doing today?Sounds like your H is really testing your patience.I don't think you can expect to make much sense of anything he does right now.You're getting a divorce,and your H is still e-mailing you jokes?That,and the OW is on the list?He's either being insensitive,or does'nt have much respect for you at all.I know when I got my cellphone back from my W that I let her use,her new boyfriend's name was still in the menu-Ouch!My W told me when we're divorced,we can "all be friends",too.Yeah,right.The total disregard for our feelings is incredible.Don't give up your self-respect to him.You're a person,too,not somebody he can walk all over.Don't ask him so many questions,let him wonder what you're doing,although he may not even care,right now.Confronting the OW is probably just a waste of time.Your H is the one who let you down.I agree with Distressed,he probably has someone"waiting in the wings"if he wants a divorce that bad.I think when somebody gets in the"divorce mode",there's not much stopping them.Do you live in a community property state?Or do you have dueling lawyers? I hope you'll be OK financially,if you do get divorced.Take care of you,Annie.<BR> --Murph