I don't know what to do. Me and my wife got married when we were 19. We have been married for almost 5 years now and things have changed recently. She has been sad and depressed lately. We never really fight or argue about things, but she decided she needed some time alone to find herself and find her purpose in life. While she has been away she has treated me like she kind of hates me or is mad at me. After about a month I just felt like I couldn't take it. I am very depressed not having her here and I feel betrayed. I still love her sooo much and I feel like we can work things out. We talked the after about a month and I noticed she stopped wearing her wedding ring. This drove me crazy and I started packing her stuff and told her maybe she should just go. She said she wanted to work things out and that she wanted to be with me. Then, a couple days later she moved all of her stuff out and said if we were meant for each other, then we'll find our way back to each other. Then, a couple days later she brought some of it back and wanted to work things out again. Now, it's been about 2 months and she says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She says she's not sure we can work things out and she wants to be on her own. She says she feels empty inside. She has decided that she is going to move to a different town (not to far away). I've told her how much it hurts me to not have her here and she knows I want to work things out. I've asked her to come back and try to work things out but she says it doesn't feel right to come back. I asked her if I told her she either had to move back or get a divorce what would she choose, and she basically said divorce.

I don't know what to do. I love her so much and she has been my whole world. It hurts so much to go through this. I desperately want to work things out and be with her. I feel we both made a commitment to each other and I feel that we should keep that, but I don't think she feels the same.

Also, I know she has been hanging out with this guy that she works with. And, there were rumors going around where she works that she was cheating. I asked her about this and she admitted that she ewas hanging out with him, but nothing more. She said that this guy has been in a similar situation and is helping her through this. She has admitted that she has stayed at his place a couple of times but swears she slept on the couch. She said the only thing that shes done is hugged him when she was crying. Now, when she decided she wanted to work things out with me she said she went to him and told him she couldn't see him anymore because people were saying things and she couldn't have that. Then we saw each other for a few days and she started reverting back to her not sure stuff, and I found out she stayed at his place again. I said I thought you weren't going to see him anymore and she said he's my friend, I can't just stop seeing him. Now, she still says nothing has happened with him, or antone else, and I would never ever of thought she would be someone who would cheat, but she has been acting different lately. I never acuse her of cheating, but even when I ask her about it, she gets a little defensive.

My personal opion is that I really doubt this guy is trying to push her to work things out with me. I think it woould be best if he stayed out of it all together. If he was a generally good person he would see that he is not helping at all. Too, she hasn't known him for very long, so it's not like they are good friends and go back a ways. I really don't think she would cheat, and If I ever found out she did, this guy better run.

Thanks for reading my story and if you have any comments or advice, please let me know.

bb:

Bumping this up for feedback. You might have been missed when the forum came back up and people were all busy trying 2 figure out the new software.

Have you read the articles on the home page? There's a lot of useful information there.

From your description, it does sound like your W (wife) is having an A (affair) with this "friend." It might "only" be an EA (emotional affair), rather than a PA (physical affair), but either one is a serious affront 2 your M (marriage).

You should read up on "plan A" and "plan B", also on the home page, and check back for other responses from others here.

best,
-ol' 2long

bigbuffs -- I don't know how else to say it, so I'll just say it.

Your wife is cheating on you with this guy.

Denial is a very strong defense mechanism, and even in my situation, I had an unbelievable amount of evidence and was still trying to justify my wife's actions and giving her the benefit of the doubt. It was only after seeing her with the OM with my own eyes that I confronted her.

I'm not saying just to blindly accuse her, but look for things that aren't right. Hire a private investigator if you need to. But the sooner you can believe and accept that she's having an A, the sooner you can get to the next stage.

Although I can tell you, the next stage is even worse than the one you are in now. But it is necessary to get through if you are to save your marriage.

Good luck and God bless,

Squiggle

bigbluffs,

I'm so sorry but I have to agree with squiggle. All the signs of an affair are there.
Whether its an emotional affair or a physical affair, it is still just as painful.

I know how bad you are hurting. We all do here on marriagebuilders. We are all here for the same reason.

BUT, I have to say that without the support of the wonderful people on this board, my husband would have been out the door a long time ago.
Marriagebuilders is a concept totally different than what you might hear from others who kicked their spouse out right away after finding out about the affair.

Please read up on all you can from this website. So many marriages have been saved from people using this concept. Best of luck to you.
Post all you can and you will get so much great advice from people who have been there!!

Take care,

Suzy

BB

Signs are just that "signs". Only your W and the OP know the truth. But you need to weigh the evidence very carefully.

You both need counseling. Nothing will work between you until she stops all contact with the OM. You cannot do a "do it yourself" repair of your M.

If she needs a pupose in her life give her a copy of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. But the OM is not her purpose.

Read Surving An A by Dr Harley...read all you can about developing a lasting relationship.
H

BB

signs are of course 'just signs' but having been a WW I have to say the signs are not good. Given a even money bet I'd say your W is cheating and having an affair - shows the signs of it and sadly the behaviour seems reasonably classic.

Please do read all the articles and books as suggested - they really are so helpful.

In the end should it prove to be the case, you will need to make a decision to save or end your M. I urge you not to make any hasty decison but to think long & hard after reading here all you can what you want.

I do hope we are all wrong and your worries are baseless as far as the affair goes.

Once you have read the info here I suggest you post and ask questions on the nest step which is usually what is called Plan A. Being separated it is slightly different and you may need some expert advice on that and how to proceed.
I would suggest you get some advice from Steve Harley here via the phone which while not cheap IS cheaper than a divorce.

So START reading asap!!

All the best.

it's been a while since I posted I been using another site but I'll try to update everyone. This will be long.

I talked to her about 4 week ago for the first time in a while. We talked like we used to before all this started. We talked about our relationship a little but mostly we just talked about what we've been up to. We probably talked for about 3 hours. But what I got from the conversation is that she doesn't feel the same way about me as she used to. I told her I still loved her and always would and she said she loves me to. I asked her if she would take some more time to think about if a D is really what she wants and she said she would. I told her I would still like to be friends with her and she said the same. She in the process of moving to a different town about 45 miles away, I told her I would help her move stuff and paint and she said she wanted to do things on her own (or without my help I think) but I said I would be willing to help. But, I felt much better after we talked. I gave her a call about 3 weeks ago (I saw she was at her grandma's in our hometown because I was home at my parents) and asked if she wanted to talk and she was kind of crabby with me like she was before. So, that's the last I've talked to her. I don't feel like she wants to work things out, I guess I'm still hopin' she realizes, but I told her I'm willing to accept her decision. This still suck but I'm feeling a lot better, I'm sure there's someone else out there who would appreciate having a great guy (hopefully) and whatever happens happens I guess. But, thanks to all that have replied and if you have any more suggestions let me know.

honestly don't think she has cheated on me, but I don't know if I'll ever know for certain. She did have an EA at least for a while but to my knowledge she doesn't hang around this guy much anymore. We have talked a few times since the last but things with her seem the same. The reason she is moving is because back when we were going to try to work things out she decided to take a job in another town so we could kind of start over.

She really doesn't like what she is doing now it is very stressful for her. Actually she went to the doctor and she has a ulcer which is pretty rare for a 24yo. I know she can't hardly eat and stuff and she is hurt over this too. Its just that when we talk she never wants to talk about the relationship. If i bring it up she just wants to go. This just hurts so much. If she told me she cheated on me I don't think it would even change me much. I've prepared for the worse and I really don't think I can hurt much more than I aleady do.

I was feeling better for a while but latley I been feeling awful agian. I feel so lost now. It's like I'm just going through life hiding all the pain I feel inside. I don't understand why she would put me through this and I don't understand how you can hurt someone you love this much. I just can't see it from her veiw. I mean I would never ever put her through this. I'm just trying to get through each day without feeling horrible but it's about impossible. I dream about her a lot and I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on and sometimes I feel like I've cried every tear my body can make. I still have hope that she will see the light and I guess that keeps me going. I think the next time I talk to her I will just lay everything on the line and try to get the truth and a decision from her.

So, today I was out running some erons when I see my W and OM pulling into a parking lot of a Perkins restaraunt. So I pull in and walk into the door and follow them to their seats. THey don't see me until they sit down and W then says hey like shes not suprised to see me or they aren't doing anything. I asked why she hasn't called me (because she said she would a few days ago) but the whole time I just stared at OM with anger just filling me. He acted like he I was not even there and he just looked down at the table the entire time. His wrist had a cast on it and I asked W what she was doing she said she just took him to the hospital and was giving him a ride because he can't drive. I replied and look at OM and said he can't drive and he actually looked at me for a second as they both said he has a stick shift. The way his hand was his fingers were usable so if he wanted to drive a stick he could, it would just be a little hard. Anyway W said she would stop by after she got done working (about 8hrs. from now). I stared at her as I was leaving with a look of rage and disgust and she would just say "what, what". I'm starting to think that she has been staying at OM's. I now the apartment she's staying at she said its one of her GF's but I think he lives there's also. I'm pretty sure the conversation tonight will determine the rest of my life with her. I'm not sure what I will say but all I want is the truth. Any advice on what to say (if she shows up, wouldn't suprise me if she didn't).

Well, we talked. She still says her and OM are just friends. I don't think she would ever tell me if she had a PA, 1.because she doesn't wan't to keep hurting me and 2. because she has decided it's over and doesn't want to be known as a cheater(if she did). I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said yes (the most painful moment of my life was to hear that). I asked her why she's not willing to work on it like go to MC or something and she said she can't try anymore. She said she's felt this way for over a year now and she tried to be happy but she can't try anymore. I never knew she's felt this way for so long.

I asked why she never told me how she felt and she just said she didn't feel like she could. I just can't give up without a fight. I never knew things were brokene so how could I try and fix it. All I want is a chance but she says she can't try anymore. I can't believe something can hurt this much. I guess I can take some pride in the fact that I have stayed true to her and to my promises and vows to her. I still haven't given up hope though I'm probably just causing myself more pain by hanging on. I'm think I'm going to try to call the apstor that married us and get some advice from him. I'll try to keep you all posted, could of said a lot more but it hurts to sit here and write about it. Thank you all so much for your help and support, I need it anywhere and everywhere I can get it right now.

BB
sorry to say but I have to advise its highly likely she is still well & truly in he fog of a full blown affair. PA & living with him I'd guess.

Now its your choice to decide what you want to do, end the M or keep fighting. However if you want to fight for it you need to start getting a plan together now, just drifting letting her get her fix of you when she feels like it is not going to help.
If you feel unable to formulate a plan even with the help of some experienced guys here then get professional help from Harley for instance or go to the 180 plan to stop a divorce in conjunction with MB methods.
If you leave it much longer she'll just drift away or you will.

All the best BB