Luna

As a FWS, I can only sympathize with all of the pain that you have been experiencing and much of my advice may have been off-mark.

But if there is anything I could say that I feel confident would help you, it would be this: exercise.

If you dedicate one hour a day to your PHYSICAL well being by exercising you will sleep better, reduce your stress, and I would bet money that you will feel more “in control” and focused on what you need to do to make Luna and Luna’s boys happy and safe people.

This is one thing you have complete control over (unlike sitch with WH) that can make a SURE difference for the better.

Take it or leave it.

P.S. Have you read: Geurir le stress et la depression sans medicaments ni psychoanlayse? By David Servan-Schreiber, M.D. Ph.D.

luna,

I can certainly vouch for what Ahuman says!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />Daily exercise in the outdoors will do wonders for you, physically, mentally, spiritually. It helps me tremendously. Do follow her recommendation!

Thanks Ahuman and LL,

I am going to continue taking long walks outdoors. That I have started to do. Hopefully, this will get me to the next step, exercising, because I think you are both right: it would help to make me feel in control, and in turn help me to the next step, where I will be feeling a little bit better each time. I have been reading on the process for grieving: I don't want to get stuck at the depression stage (which I think I am in).

A modified plan would defeat the purpose, because he would be able to continue to get his "fix" and you would be dragged back into the nightmare every time you saw him. You would not be able to experience the peace and sanity that comes from Plan B.

But you could tidy up your business and arrange visitions in the Plan B letter just like everybody else. This is pretty routine and it can be managed with a little bit of creativity. One doesn't have to have an intermediary to do it, although that makes it easier. But even with an intermediary, the contact is very rare.

Basically, Luna, you would seperate your finances, etc just as you would if you were legally seperated/divorced. People do it all time; it is not the impossible feat.


Being removed from the daily bloody beating will allow you to focus on yourself and the children and give you some much needed peace of mind. You will be better able to deal with this mess with a clear mind that isn't being embattled on a daily basis.

Luna, that something needs to be YOU. Instead of sittting around waiting for a feeling to land on you, which is unrealistic, it will take an act of will, followed by ACTION to resolve this. Maybe you won't act on this, but shouldn't it be for a better reason than waiting for something to "click?" C'mon, Luna. You can't subject yourself to this daily beating for much longer. Your sanity needs ya; your boys need ya!

Lunamare

I posted to you when you first joined the forums. I fought the new "format" for the longest time, but finally joined back in. It has been 3-4 months since I posted to you, and sadly, you are still about where you were back then.

The person who can make a difference in your life right now, is YOU! At some point, you are going to have to step up and accept that truth. The longer you float around like a fishing bobber in stormy seas, the more pain you will have to endure.... because nothing being done results in nothing changing.

Do something! For your own sake. Have your parents pay an attorney in order to get you and your children's financial well being in hand. Discover what rights you have, and what your WH's financial obligations will be. File whatever it takes to make sure you and the kids are cared for. When your WH see the reality of the numbers, it may be a serious wake up call. And what better time to present him with your Plan B letter?

Please begin to take some charge of what is going on in your life. Most older people say they have less regret for things they did wrong in there lives, than they do for the things they wanted or needed to do, but never did.

Please empower yourself by taking some action that will give you some control over your future. You and your kids deserve no less.

best wishes,
SD

Luna,

You know that I have not been here on this forum for very long. I was where you are at just 3 months ago. Now you say you admire me because you have seen my healing begin. I am doing much better because I heeded the advice of people much wiser and unfortunately more experienced in the cruel game of infidelity and mustered the courage I thought I had no more of... and I am doing much, much better. It is time that you do the same.

We are all here. You are not alone. You can do it. You must do it. Not just for yourself, but for your children.

Luna, where did your H stay last night while he was "reflecting?"

Did he ask you to leave your own house while he visited the boys? Or are you talking about future plans in Plan B? If it is the latter, in Plan B, he shouldn't be allowed in the house at all. That would give him a fix. And under no circumstances, should you have to leave your own home. He is the one who wants to seperate, he should have to face the consequences and take the boys out for a meal or a movie and visit them that way. He shouldn't be afforded the comforts of home after he abandoned his family for a sleazy affair.

Update.

I am very touched by your efforts to force me to act.

I have got to tell you, because I need to tell somebody. I thought I knew what pain was, but nothing prepared me for the pain I saw in the eyes of my boys the first night that their dad did not come home (and not just away for work), and that he will not be coming home.

I was able to find the courage to be upbeat for them, comfort them as much as I could, hung them, and then have a good cry afterwards.

If I had my WH in front of me right now I think I could just kill him for doing this to the boys!

I am sorry to say, that inspite of it all, the paralysis persists, and if I wanted to be honest with myself, I would want to kill myself for doing ANYTHING! I hate myself right now!

You waste so much time and effort and energy with this nonsense.

This sentiment has no value when it comes to marriage building.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pepperband,

Yes, you are right. I am wasting energy so I don't need to act, I see myself doing it and can't seem to stop it!

I am doing nothing towards "marriage building", this is "marriage destoying".

What am I doing? I feel like I am dying inside. I must have courage somewhere inside of me, I must. Everybody has courage. Where is mine? I am just wallowing in pity right now.

I am tired, Pep, really tired from this state of inaction. Nothing really prepared me for this, and now it shows.

I had/thought I had pride and courage and confidence, and then I lost myself along the way. This is what I have realized.

...and you are all trying so hard to get through to me! I am sorry.

Quit apologizing.... that too is another diversion.

Pep

Lunamare

Every BS has had the same feelings of hopelessness and dispair that you are feeling. Every one.

If you just experienced a car accident, and you and your kids were in the car, and the car caught fire, what would your do?

Would you hang upside down in the driver's seat, wringing your hands, agonizing over what to do next? Would you be content to "burn with your children". Would you call out to passersby for help? Would you ignore their suggestions?

I think not.

I think you would work furiously to free yourself (Plan A) from your "bonds" and rescue your children (Plan B) without a thought. It would be instinctual, no thinking, or agonizing, or wringing of hands.

Lunamare, your marriage is on fire, and you and your kids are trapped inside. This is a serious, life altering experience.

What will you do?

Lunamare, we love you to pieces, and we are only trying to help you help yourself. We cannot force you to take action any more than you can force your WH to do as you wish he would do. Speaking as one who has been in your shoes, and taken actions, and gotten positive results, although not without some bumps, scrapes and emotional scars, it is imperitave you take some form of action to produce some positive change in your life. Are you willing to step up to the challenge, and start the process of saving your marriage?

You are long, long overdue.

Best wishes,
SD

I will Pep.

WH said he would be home taking care of the boys tomorrow night. I agreed to it. Boys need to see him, he needs to see them, and I think I need the break. I figured this would force me to see my friends and "act" like I am moving on and letting go, hoping to eventually no longer needing to "act". Arranged a night out with a girlfriend. Will try to enjoy myself. I am all wooshy in my stomach.

A few of my friends are telling me that the hardest thing to do, after the pain and seeing what's behind my fears, is "acceptance". This "notion" right now seems a bit foreign to me, but that's what they're seeing: I am not accepting the situation, because WH has "moved on". I need to let WH go and accept that he will/might not come back.

Will it help to NAME my fears?
- I am/was dependent on WH emotionally - he's no longer there for me - I have never called on my friends as often as I have these past months - and they are all there for me, not at the exact moment I want them to be, but still all are there and very generous of their time. Can I learn to count on myself, somehow, emotionally - I can't always depend on friends, or can I? New to me.
- I fear being "alone" for the rest of my life. I no longer have "a" person in my corner. But I am learning that a group of friends can go a long way. New to me.
- I know I will be poorer, I worry about how much poorer I will be, how I will make ends meet, and will I be able to provide for the boys? But I know I will need to cut back a lot, and that worries me. New to me.
- IC and friends tell me to fall back on past experiences on how to get through tough times, to trust myself, but I don't trust myself, and I don't think I have had anything this big happen in my life before. None of the means I used in the past to help me get through bad times help now, they are just not enough and not effective. New to me.

So, am I afraid of the "unknown"? Yes. Why? I don't know. The "unknown" scares me... so? How about seeing the "unknown" as exciting? Seeing this as an opportunity?

blah blah blah blah

Bottom line of all of this. The "unknown" scares me and I need to "see" it differently. Now, I just need to figure out how I will be doing that. I'll take LL's suggestion. Make a list of 3 things to do today, be proud of myself for doing them, and if a do a 4th, congratulate myself. A permanent item on the list - stop focusing on WH: what he is doing, thinking, etc.

Got to start somewhere. I know I need to jump in the lake, and I am only yet testing the water with little finger. I will try not be hopeless, feel powerless at the enormity of the task ahead of me.

God help me!

Have you ever had a friend (as an adult) who was dependant on you emotionally?

At first it feels like a compliment. (I am needed,. I am competent to help this person.)

Then it feels like a chore. (They need me now/again? I'm busy and I'm tired.)

Then it feels like a drag. (I need to constantly hold this person up emotionally or they will sink. Who is going to hold me up when I need it?)

And the person you depend on to make you emotionally secure may begin to distance himself from you in order to feel free to grow.

If your emotional well-being cannot stand alone, it feels like a TRAP for the person whose job it has become to hold you up. If they feel like growing or moving to a new space, they can't coz you'll collapse.

This comes from a book called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

You are "fused" emotionally ... and it begins as a sort of intimacy ... and your H probably was complimented in the beginning ... but this is an imbalance in an adult relationship. And it creates a desire (in the one being leaned on) to move away.

If you want to attract your H back to you, what do you think you can do to become less of a drag and more attractive?

Pep

Pep,

How does one go about being "emotionally well-being" and stand alone? Do more things on my own? Not needing a shoulder to cry on, but somehow console oneself?

Pep, what can I realistically do to become more "independent"? It looks like I am at the babystep stages.

I would appreciate your suggestions under the circumstances.

Is your mood dependant upon someone else setting your mood for you?

Pep

Yeah, Pep,

My mood can definitely be "dependent" on others mood.

Not good, I can see that. How to go about starting to "separate" myself?

Thanks Pep, for your quick reply.

P.S.

Pep, I always thought of it as my being "too sensitive" in picking up mood of others and being affected by it. It's more "dependent" and that's not good. Major point.

If you feel lousy, do you expect others around you to feel lousy too?

Pep