Pep, I don't think so, but I think I would expect them to take 'notice' or acknowledge it, if I feel lousy, otherwise I might feel neglected. More often than not, I feel I can be easily 'affected' by someone else's mood. I seem to always "check" the other's mood. But, I am going to think about this and observe. I might not take it well if I feel totally 'ignored'; I might start to wonder how come the other hasn't noticed how I feel... might expect that they do something to make things better somehow? Ouch. Not good if this is so.

Update.

WH has moved out with OW two days ago. Supposedly searching for apt. to be on his own and to have boys over. In the meantime, coming to see boys at home tonight while I go out with a girlfriend for the evening.

Taking it one day at a time. In contact with WH as needed. I seem to be incapable of doing PLAN B, so heading for separation/divorce unless a miracle happens. WH maintains being "in love with OW" and having met a "determining person" in his life who he can't let go of. No desire to reconcile.

Need to put my emotions aside to deal with practical issues: finances, common assets, etc. and letting go of the "dreams".

Needless to say, I am very disappointed in myself for not being able to ACT on advice given here. I don't seem to have what it takes to "fight", and this makes me very sad indeed. At least, that's how I feel at this moment. Being on "my own" when before we were two adults is taking all my energy.

If WH has moved out, now is the time to go to Plan B.

If you cannot find the strength to do that, then I don't know what to tell you except to expect more abuse and disrespect from WH.

What would make you feel strong enough to fight for your children and your family?

What is the state of your physical health? I don't remember -- are you on anti depressants or any other medication?
Mulan

Hi Mulan,

Thanks for posting. I take sleeping pills (as needed) and for anxiety (as needed). No anti-depressants yet.

I figured out, with the help of Pep, that I was "dependent" on WH emotionally++++ in our M. It may be the reason why now I can't seem to ACT "independently", and I don't know if I can turn this around in time. My 'fears' also seem to paralyze me. The 'distance' between WH and myself is widening - have less and less to say to each other - even without an actual PLAN B, I think we will have less and less contact, until there is practically none.

Friends have told me that I am not "accepting" situation. Need to accept it and focus on boys, on me, etc. how to be on my own, negotiate finances, let go of WH, and stop "hoping". I still can't seem to be doing it, inspite of everything. My emotions are continually getting in the way of "thinking straight", and doing "what I need to do".

I am really down on myself right now. I may "want" to fight for M, but in reality don't seem to have what it takes. At least, that's where I am at today. I at least understand one thing - nothing will change until I decide to make a change. What could be so hard as to tell WH not to be in direct contact with me unless he wants to work on recovery of M (and let go of OW)? ...because he offers his help, makes himself available, and I think I really will need his help in the future and so can't ask NC? Afraid to be totally alone!

I just can't seem to figure out what's blocking me. I figured if I could "name" it I could get past it. What have I not named, so I could deal with it, and move on?

I feel overwhelmed right now at home on my own, and I think I really need WH to be there for the little that he can be? Why can't I do without that "connection" with WH inspite of the fact that it might be painful for me, and is slowing being reduced anyway until there will be nothing there?

When WH says, yes, reconciliation could be possible if desire to was there (but none is there), it just takes all my energy to fight away.

Did I get this all wrong? It sounds contradictory: "to fight" for M means to "accept" letting go, while what I have been doing is "hoping", I think.

Anyway, Mulan, I really don't know why think of my situation. Clearly, I am unable to ACT.

WH was the person that used to be in "my corner". With that I was able to act - changed jobs, new projects, etc. Now that WH is no longer there - I freeze.

Then get someone else for friendship and emotional support while this is going on. *Everyone* needs this to some degree and there is nothing wrong with this. No man (or woman) is an island.

Do you have friends or family -- even one person -- who knows what is going on? Who else knows beside the people you talk to on this board?

Here's what's needed:
1) A *short* Plan B letter telling him that you love him and want your marriage to recover, but it is too painful for you to be around him while he is still seeing the OW. Any communications regarding the practical matters of finances, etc. must go through ____________ who will serve as an intermediary.

2) If you honestly don't have anyone who can serve as an intermediary, then keep all communication to e-mail. Keep it BRIEF and clinical - facts only, NO emotions. Do not talk to him by phone or in person.

The only hope you have here is to cut him loose, let him fall on his backside with this woman and let him realize what he is throwing away. As long as you sit and helplessly wait for him and his crumbs, he will let you sit there forever in limbo while your sons get the idea that it's okay for men to treat their wives this way.

Your move.
Mulan

Mulan, Can this be done verbally?

I see him tonight. I can tell him directly. I don't really have an intermediary. It will have to be done in writing - facts only. No phone or in person (unless for emergencies). He still has his things at home, but he can pick up what he needs while I am at work.

I can see it already. The thought of seeing tonight is getting me anxious. It may not be totally "dark" for a week or two until some structure re arrangements to see boys are set. But the goal is "not to talk or see him".

I need to do this, all the little details to work out are coming at me to make excuses for why this would not be possible. But, I think I need to try to cut contact or I will go nuts.

God, I am trembling just at the thought of doing this.

P.S. Should I be trying this if I am trembling? Should I not be at a place where I feel strong?

P.S.S. We also are "sharing" a car for now! We need to organize too many details, yet, and I need to be a little stronger. But I intend to suggest at least minimum contact for now. Talking and seeing him too often, for sure.

luna,

if you use the time productively for healing, nc with wh will bring you the kind of peace you have not felt in a long time.

I ask though, have you condulted a doctor about anxiety and deprssion? There are some great non-addictive medications out there and it would be irresponsible to forego something that could possiby give not only you, but your children some stability.

Just hand him the letter. Do NOT discuss this with him.

If you keep going like this, you will never feel strong. That's what we're trying to tell you. Plan B can help you get your strength back. Sitting in limbo will only drain it by the hour.

Is there someone else who can help you with transportation? WH will use the car to keep you on the hook. Can you take the bus? (Hey, I've done that when I had to.)

Again: Who do you have in real life who can help you with this, and serve as an intermediary and give you a little emotional support?
Mulan

Luna, what are you talking about? Plan B is not "minimized" contact, it is NO CONTACT. We have told you this. Cutting back on contact is about as effective as being a little bit pregnant. As I said before, ANY contact defeats the purpose because A) it gives him his "fix" and B) it prevents you from withdrawing from situation.

You won't be any "stronger" until you start acting "strong." It is a choice, not some magic feeling that magically alights on you. You won't be "strong" until you assert yourself and remove yourself from this daily abuse. Remember, you are not a victim, you are a volunteer.

lunamare,

I am very concerned about you. Have you been to a Dr to see about medication to help you have some strength?

You have come here for help, however, I have not seen you take any advice and take action to save your M.

Stop folding. Get some intestinal fortitude girl, if you want you marriage, you have to fight for it.

My vote is if you want to save this M, stop accepting, and let your WS fall.

Get some help girl. Prayers for you. That is all I can do, you are getting excellent advice. Only you can make the choice to save your M. Cooperating with ws is not saving your M.

You have waffled so much that I want to ask you if you want buckwheat, buttermilk or blueberry WAFFLES. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You have not done anything so far to save your M. READ UP on this site. Figure out what plan you want to be in. And follow it.

Stick a fork in me, the waffle is DONE. Can't help you anymore, I can only pray for you and those kids.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps, and have I told you you are WORTHY? Quit conflict avoiding. I can bet that this is a source of your problems.

As always,
Love in Christ,
Miss M