Well, Mimi, so much has happened from last Wednesday I almost don't even know where to start.

I gave WH the Plan B letter Wednesday night as I said I would, after some tears I actually felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Thursday comes and goes, WH sends me an e-mail about understanding why I have to do this. Fine. Then Friday morning, OW sends me an IM "Christine, this should be a dead issue but it's not, there is nothing going on with WH and me anymore. I don't know if you know or not but I am engaged. I have been getting nasty text messages and I really think it's you or someone you know. I still talk with WH and probably will keep talking with him...that's that. I just thought I would get it out there". I know the point of plan B is to escape this triangle crap and focus on myself moving forward. I stink at Plan B (you will hear that echoed a million more times)! I cut and pasted her IM into an IM window for WH and then signed off the IM service, turned off my cell phone, and told our receptionist that if he called put him in my voicemail....I wasn't going to talk with him. Needless to say, he didn't try to contact me for quite a while. Later in the afternoon he sends me this e-mail from his Blackberry "Well you signed off before I could say anything today, like I told her I don't know who the hell is messing with the two of you but I'm sorry. I don't know what or who to believe anymore but there is nothing between me and her like you think there is. Anyway sorry she did that and I gave her hell about. Same thing I said to her block each other from I'm and drop it already. No need for the two of you to fight over me." HA!!! This was my reply "Don't know who to believe? That's just great. She did this crap with my AOL before and you ended up apologizing. She's proven to be so honest and I've obviously been lying to you for years and years. I didn't call OW's BF, he called me. I have never called her mom, I want to but don't. I sent her 1 e-mail, on Dec. 12th, to say I knew it was her. Everything else has been from her to me, I don't even respond.

Thanks for the trust I apparently don't deserve. I wish you weren't so emotionally involved, so you could really see what's going on."

We didn't see or speak anymore Friday at all. He came over on Saturday for the boys and asked to talk with me. He said he had a job offer and temp. place to stay in Japan!!!! He doesn't even own a passport, so this is obviously not something that could happen quickly at all. He thinks the culture (honor, discipline, dignity....LOL) would be a good influence on him and the boys. Backup, he is not taking my sons anywhere, especially across the world.

Sunday is Easter, MIL has the entire family over for dinner, WH included. BIL and SIL are pissed, the night is tense and uncomfortable.....WH leaves right after meal is eaten.

Monday WH is a no show, and we have no contact. Last night, however, he had left work early and then came over after the gym...we were just sitting down to eat. He stays about an hour or so and I do my best to stay away from him. With the exception of the discussion of our taxes. WH just needs to sign them, but won't. When OW was our nanny we agreed to pay her off the books, but I added all that info to our taxes. I already spoke with my brother, who works for IRS, I have 3 years to ammend my return. So, I will back out her info for now and will see how I feel about ammending it in the future. Damn I'm too nice. I want to do it to her, but 2 wrongs don't make a right.

I broke Plan B again last night by sending him a text that said he was lucky I still loved him, because I wanted to be a b-word but just couldn't. He texted back and then I replied with telling him that I was lonely and missed him (I know, weak and NOT PLAN B), but he ended up calling me. We talked about an hour, it was good. I know more about where the "lost love" came from. My Mom was sick and dying from cancer and it took about 2 years, during that time he felt neglected and unloved from me. My Mom lived in Florida, so after work I spent a lot of time on the phone with her or my brothers. When I wasn't on the phone I was sad and just not myself. Part of this he does and doesn't understand, because prior to her illness we did not have a great relationship. I think my biggest issue in filling his ENs has been the SF. In talking last night, he admitted he still loves me, still attracted to me, "has a crush" on me (don't ask me, those are his words). He has 2 fears right now....1) that he could hurt me again 2) that the changes I made about SF and admiration will wear off after a little bit of time as they did in the past. I can't use words to convice him of my changes, we would have to be together for him to see the changes.

The trackable contact between them has really dropped off, so I am hopefull that the NC is starting to take effect. He just needs to find another job so they don't work together. Once that has happened, I have a plan that I will pose on him. Rather than a "trial separation" for him to see how he feels, we should have a "trial reunion". No concrete promises for the future, but a chance to see if our relationship can be repaired and sustained.

Question? Still Plan B or slip back into Plan A and be the lighthouse?

BTW - I missed you, Mimi. I hated having MB down when I needed support the most!!!

-Christine

Of course I have a lot to say. This is a test as I keep getting logged off.

Ok, it's working. I think the problem is trying to preview my reply. I will be back with you sometime this afternoon.

Then Friday morning, OW sends me an IM
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />Don’t read it. Simply delete it.

I know the point of plan B is to escape this triangle crap and focus on myself moving forward. I stink at Plan B (you will hear that echoed a million more times)!
Then stop stinking at it! You are supposed to be capable of changing (for positive reasons) to make the marriage a better place.

I cut and pasted her IM into an IM window for WH
You are in Plan B. You do NOT contact him at all.
Sending him an IM is contact.

Later in the afternoon he sends me this e-mail from his Blackberry
Do NOT read eam9ls from him. Plan B is NO CONTACT and you reading his emails is contact. You cannot stop him from sending them but you can stop reading them.

This was my reply
And again you have contact…

Thanks for the trust I apparently don't deserve. I wish you weren't so emotionally involved, so you could really see what's going on."
Big-time lovebuster here.

He came over on Saturday for the boys and asked to talk with me. He said he had a job offer and temp. place to stay in Japan!!!
And again, contact…

I broke Plan B again last night by sending him a text that said he was lucky I still loved him,
Lovebuster and contact. Again…

Part of MB is doing what you say and saying what you do.
You told him in your Plan B letter that you want to save the marriage.
Also, you told him “no contact”.
Since you told him no contact and have contact, then by saying you want to save the marriage, it really means you do not want to save the marriage, correct?
The message you are sending him (with all this contact) is that you cannot stick to what you say.

Christine:

Do you feel like you are treading water, trying to stay afloat? Don't you want to be safe in the motorboat?

You said:



Just think if you had stayed in this more peaceful place?

The OW IMs you and states:


So she admits to continuing to have an A with him. What kind of marriage will she have? What kind of engagement does she have? It's all a sham!

You say:


YES ! YES! YES! So what happened to this train of thought? How did they capture you into their web?

I'm reading that there is an error on this page. I'm going to see if this will post.

Ok. It posted. I'm back!

How did you so easily jump out of PLAN B without him meeting any of your conditions? Yes, PLAN B is difficult. However, why so easily? Because she IMed you? She IMed you to say that the A was continuing. I did not see anything comforting about his or her contact to you or his. This is a 19 year old bimbo that is disrespecting a grown woman--that is you by the way! It all seems bizarre and defensive. He undoubtedly talked to her about your letter. It sounds like to me that he is trying to get back with her Christine. He is wooing her!! Also, he likes the idea of you two fighting over him. It is like I told you before. He wants you waiting for him while he tries to pursue her. All she will do now is talk to him but he wants more than that from her.



Christine, respecting yourself is not being the B word. Do you really think this? Regardless of what happens between you and your H, I want you to develop more of a love for yourself. I don't want you to allow yourself to be emotionally abused by anyone.

You asked:


Easy answer. I agree with Chris! He's to the point. He was the same with me. PLAN B. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU WILL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE! What is this stuff about being a lighthouse? He has not met your PLAN B conditions. NC means a letter to her stating that he will not ever talk to her again in his lifetime. That also involves changing his cell no., getting rid of the E-Mail and the IM or whatever. He also needs to come home, call it whatever you want to call it! Your WH is really bothering me with his narcissism, sense of entitlement and immaturity. He's not acting any different than my FWH did though. PLAN B is necessary for him to feel pain. If he doesn't feel pain, he will not own up to his responsibility in this. This is not just about you changing. He has to admit and acknowledge his wrongdoing.

HE HAS TO WIN HIS WAY BACK TO YOU! YOU ARE A PRECIOUS GEM! YOU DESERVE A FEAST, NOT HIS CRUMBS!!!

Being the "b" word wasn't about Plan B, it was about having her pay taxes on the money we paid her "off the books" for watching our boys last year.

I told you I was weak....I'm doomed to divorce. I know this is the only way. 10+ years of talking everyday is hard to stop despite how he's hurt me.

I will give him the letter again and block everything that comes my way.

I am not strong. I am very lonely. He's always had the best of me, I fall for everything he says and does.

I wish I could afford the counseling, but at this point it ain't happening.

Going to cry myself to sleep, will read my 2X4's tomorrow.

-Christine

Christine,

I was with my FWH for over 30 years prior to discovering his A. He's the only man that I have ever been with since age 18. I totally understand how you are feeling. You are not alone in this. You are communicating with a person who has been in your exact same position.

That being said, GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE, IN THE SADDLE!

You have a great chance of recovering your marriage! Do you hear what I am saying? However, your only chance though is through bearing the pain of PLAN B. Just like the labor pains you suffered through to have your boys. He's got to bear the pain and so do you.

He has got to miss you!! Now, he's playing, hoping to get her and wanting you to wait for him. He will continue this as long as possible. The danger of this is that you will eventually get fed up with this yourself.

Have your vents, have your cries... That will happen... but DO PLAN B!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!