I have missed all of you so much this past week when the board was down. It's been my worst time yet in this whole mess, as I had d-Day # 2 and we are now getting a divorce.

I have had it (my give a damn's busted)and don't see how I could ever believe him again. He had me SO snowed. He promised NC on 2/16/05 and it was all a big lie just to make me think he actually was coming back to me!! He was calling and seeing her the whole time. Probably sleeping with her too.
You see I also found out that even after the first d-day, they just kept right on sleeping together. I guess I ASSUMED that they would stop sleeping together after that. I knew that he continued to call her. But I never guessed in my wildest dreams that they'd continue to sleep together. No one could be that hurtful to their spouse, could they?

So, now I have a whole new set of issues. We need to sell the house and I need to get a new place for the kids and me. I have no idea where to begin. I've already talked to a couple realtors and a loan officer. Also I have contacted a mediator, as I don't want to get a dirty divorce. I want this to be as civil as possible.
He told the kids that mommy wants a divorce and of course they are devastated. my son had said he won't forgive me for making daddy leave because I won't forgive daddy for having a girlfriend.
It is so sad. I am just broken hearted and really thought my marriage had a chance these past 3 months. It was going so well. I can't believe he could live two lives like that and lie to me and have no remorse at all. She was rejecting him even and he still chose her over me.
He says he doesn't want our marriage to end and he is done with her now but he told me that before too. What would make it any different now? I can't think of a thing.
So, any advice on how I should proceed with my life as a single mom?

We are still under the same roof, as he has no job right now and no place to go and I can't kick him out on the street with no place to go. It's very tense to be under the same roof.
Here's some links to my saga:

These links were added the day after this original post and after some people already replied.
My first post - Just found out...

OW called me today (and then continued to sleep with my H after she gave me her sob story of how sorry she was.)

and here, they were STILL sleeping together.. Should I tell my son?

He didn't seem to have withdrawal Fog and withdrawal (well that's because they were STILL sleeping together. Now as I look back on this, God how stupid am I???)

OW's bday and Valentines day (Yes, he bought her a gift- gee my thought werent far off on this one were they?)

Right after Valentines Day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Thought we were in recovery <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Recovery?? NO, I guess not

I was starting to get comfortable with my H again in what I thought was the recovery phase and now wanted the details


Sigh....
what next?

Suzy

To heck with plan A and B. I'm DONE!!!!!
So why not do Plan B?

So, any advice on how I should proceed with my life as a single mom?
Uh, yeah. DON’T proceed in life a single mom.
Go to Plan B.

We are still under the same roof, as he has no job right now and no place to go and I can't kick him out on the street with no place to go.
Why not? What’s he gonna do when you sell the house?

"We are still under the same roof, as he has no job right now and no place to go and I can't kick him out on the street with no place to go."

Why not?????????

Yeah you can. As long as he doesn't push the issue legally, you certainly can kick him out with no place to go.

I've read your story but don't recall if you did a Plan B or not. Right now would be a really good time to do one, even if you had before.

Secretly keeping the affair going even after D-day seems sickeningly common. It seems to be part of the excitement.

If you wish to go for a D, you certainly have plenty of cause. If there is ANY part of you that wants to save you marrige though, try Plan B. It could help to change the course of your life.

I do love him and yes, a part of me wants to save the marriage. All the advice I've given others feels like it can be just thrown out the window at this point!!
I had wanted him to participate in the marriage builders stuff with me. Do the questionaires, read the books, understand the concepts. He read here for quite awhile. Here's little old me over on the recovery board talking about how good we were doing and advising others how plan A really does work and blah, blah blah.
I feel like such a dumb [censored] now as it was all a lie. I believe he was reading here just to see if I had any knowledge that he never ended it with OW. God I feel so stupid. And how could I be so stupid not to know?
I just wanted him back so bad that any little thread of hope made me feel good.
He never would participate in the marriage builders stuff, he absoutely refused to show me cell bills, credit card bills or anything. Then he started to show me his phone log but I found out he was just going to pay phones to call her - all the while showing me stuff to prove he wasn't!
ARGHHHHH!!!!

Suzy,

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. I remember each and every time I found out STBXH was lying. He counseled with SH, made every promise under the sun and all the while was just moving right along with the A.

You do what you need to do. Just make sure it's because your ready...regardless of what you do.... don't do anything running completely on emotion. I've had it backfire on me more than once.

I'm thinking of you today and hoping you find some peace.

FIM

Give him the boot! Kick him out of the house!

I was going to post:

"I can't kick him out on the street with no place to go. It's very tense to be under the same roof.

Why not?!"

Then I realized two or three others have done the same thing. Tell ya something?

He's grown. Is it your fault he's unemployed? And to drag the kids into it, he should be struck (well, OK, don't). Let him move in with the OW. I know it'll hurt A LOT. But let her take care of him not you!

Suzy,

I am really sorry you are going through this too.

Now is the time to get strong. It doesn't hurt so much when you have a plan. Plan B will help take the pain away because it gives you control. It is your best bet and knowing that, you become empowered. That is soooo much better than the pain.

I'm so sorry Suzy.

What I don't understand is how someone can continue plan A or even move to plan B after you thought you were on the road to recovery. I truly thought we were doing great!!

I am just devastated. It was worse on the second D day than it was on the first. I think it was because that I know that even after the affair was exposed, they kept right on!! It didn't matter the hurt it was going to cause once it came out - and it always does!!
How in the heck can anyone forgive after that. I know that I can't. And I am a very forgiving person. Yes, I am running on emotion right now and I just want this over and done with.
I know that when I'm sitting in my new place (wherever that will be) all alone and my kids are in bed I will probably regret moving so fast with this.

You know if any of you have kept up with my saga, you know that two, almost 3 now, years ago I told him that I don't love him anymore. It was due to how bad he treated me and the kids. He killed the love. Yet when I found out about the A I was devastated.

I have to wonder after all of this, do I really even love him? I am a very needy person. I never went too terribly long without a boyfriend at any time in my life.

I am so scared. I know I don't want to be alone. At the same time I feel like I would never want to get married again. I don't want a rebound relationship but I did do that after my first divorce. Got in a rebound relationship for a year and it worked great because we had a lot of fun but we were both suffering sadness from spouses who left. We did a lot of fun things together and it was what we both needed. Then it was simply over. No big deal.
I wasn't too sad after it was over but then after that is when I met my current husband. We dated 3 years before we got married.
I just can't believe that it can actually be over after 12 years of marriage. I feel like I am in a state of shock and maybe that is what is drilling me to move on with the divorce.
Tonight he did still admit that he didn't love me in the way the he should. He is not over her, although he said as long as we are under the same roof, he won't contact her again.
He told me that before. Was that a threat? I don't know. I am so confused.

just had to add some more ramblings...
He is sound asleep on the couch in the next room. I am so upset.
He hugs me every day like it is our last hug. Why does he do this? I told him I want a divorce. It is like he is trying to save something. But what? He knows I love him. Is he just scared to be alone too?
He doesn't even love me like a husband should love a wife, he said that tonight. He said it would take some time for him to love me like that again. So, what the hell is this???? Why the hugs? I now wonder if he ever really did love me.

Someone please help me to understand why he is acting this way. Please encourage me to just do this and get it over with.
I can't believe that after all the years of the horrible ways he treated me, I can think I still love him. Yet he is the one who doesn't love me. I was always a supporting and good wife up until I couldn't take it anymore - that was about 3 years ago. Then I became just as mean and rude to him as he'd been to me all those years. That's what made him stop loving me.

Even with him in my life, I am so lonely. It is like a game to him it seems. I don't want to be lonely. Don't I deserve to be loved? He is not giving me that. Why won't he just leave and let me go?
Can someone please explain to me how he can give so many mixed messages. Is he just confused? I told him tonight to let me know when he gets over OW and if I have any feelings left, we'll see.

I explained to him how she could file a harrassment suit against him, as she really wants him to leave her alone.
He had a sexual harrassment suit filed on him while we were dating. He said he told two women they had big butts. Then he got fired. God, shouldn't I have seen it then?
Why after all these years does one have to go through so much regret?

There are so many who have read this but few who respond. Now that we can see how many view our posts on this new board, PLEASE somebody give me some feedback.

Had some links here but I see they did not work. Have to figure out how to do links and then I will update with the story.

How in the heck can anyone forgive after that. I know that I can't. And I am a very forgiving person. Yes, I am running on emotion right now and I just want this over and done with.
I know that when I'm sitting in my new place (wherever that will be) all alone and my kids are in bed I will probably regret moving so fast with this.

It figures, eh? Board goes down, big dang crisis.

I had D-day #2 as well over the weekend.

Found a secret email account full of love letters from OP. Totally out of the blue. No suspicions or anything. In hindsight, it explains why I feel like I've been banging my head against a wall in terms of progressing with my W.

I've been posting over at SYMC and they are great there, but not a lot of postings. My thread is like 4 pages of running on emotions and it's mostly just me posting to vent and posting and posting. I've learned that I can have a perfectly stimulating if somewhat depressing conversation with myself.

Anyway, I'm posting both to express my sympathies and commiserates (just made that word up. lke it?) and also share with you how I'm handling it.

The day I found out I was kind of tripped. Not loud or nasty, it's not my style, but I was ready to ask WW to leave. I pretty much did, actually.

The next day I calmed down a bit and decided to put everything temporarily on hold while I decided to do this. I approached my WW and asked her if she'd be amenable to this. She said yes and has (so she says) even called her lover and went NC.

Now I don't put a lot of stock in that NC, and to be honest I don't really think this marriage is going to make it. While your husband says he want's to save the marriage, my W is voicing no such intention, and hasn't for over a year now. (If this keeps up I might get discouraged)

My point is that I realized that nothing really changed when I found out, except that now I knew. (Well, I did expose and that sure riled things up some)

And since nothings really changed, there's really no need for me to go all half cocked and REACT when in fact there's nothing preventing me from taking a few days to really think this through.

So my advice is relax. Take a breath and realize you don't have to choose which cliff to jump off right now. This is a HUGE decision (particularily with kids involved) and taking the time to plan your moves/make your decisions might be a really really good idea.

I know that if I personally make any big decisions this week, I will likely end up regretting them. I have enough regrets already.

Best wishes,

dewt

First, to Suzy & Dewt, glad you are here but sooooo sorry that you are both going through such a crisis! Makes me wonder if I should not be more diligent bout checking behind my FWH... it is my worst nightmare, since I have BTDT already once!!!

The man is lucky I still acknowledge his existence on this earth after I realized he was *still* in C w/ that [color:"red"] blubber dog [/color] after letting him move home the 1st time!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Still, you are both running on some very high and nasty emotions right now...as well you should be!! You are both in a place where you have been used, abused, and made to feel foolish... that was the worst partfor me...feeeling like I was made to misjudge myself!!! Sucks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But, I must say, if there is any love left in you at all, shift into a solid Plan B to preserve that...for you, for the children, for the M you once had... whatever!! If there is anything left to preserve at all, protect it with a good Plan B!

Only when FWH realized *he* was losing *me* did his tune change...still, I hate feeling that way, it is called "self-preservation" in my book!

HUGS to you both! I am praying for you! And John, I am glad you found your way back over here...been worried about you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I've been at MB a while now and I understand the value of Plan B. I think in my case it would do more damage than good. In fact I can think of little else right now that would kill my love for this woman faster than a Plan B. I feel that if we separate again, it will be permanent.

Suzy - what you are seeing and experiencing is the huge, massive Ego Trip of the WS who is watching his partner fall apart over him.

The BS always thinks that if he/she can just get the WS to understand how much the affair is hurting the BS, then the WS will want to stop. I am the world's worst for doing that.

But it never works.

Why? Because like any other narcississt, the WS does not feel anyone else's pain. All they see and hear is "Wow, she really loves me. She'll ALWAYS be here no matter what I do! And OP feels the same way! I am hip-deep in women who are crazy about me!" And off they go to keep stuffing that bloated ego, enjoying it all to the fullest while the BS has a nervous breakdown.

This is why Plan B works. No more ego-feeding. No more huge arrogant narcississtic power trip for the WS.

Please consider it. It's for YOU, not for him.
Mulan

Hey Dewt,
What is SYMC?? I might like to check that out. Sounds like you have the ability to be a lot more calm about this. You must have noticed that I post to myself too if no one answers? hee hee



THANK YOU FOR THIS STATEMENT DEWT!!! I needed to hear that because I have been thinking I need to divorce him NOW and just get it over with.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> thanks again,

Suzy,
I had a relaxed moment & stumbled into how this works! I concur 100% with what Mulan is saying here. This I believe, was true at least in my case -- And I have read similar things in other references. We as the BS are crushed while the WS's ego is being fed with all the attention that are getting from the BS & the OP!
Sad, but true! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
I made pleanty of mistakes; perhaps there was not a chance my X was ever going to really committ to me, but for sure I made it much too easy for her to come back! I to tend to be a needy person, although that does not have the best connoation, but being a "co-dependent" type and enabling the WS do their thing in a sense & not own up to their responsibility to work on recovery is IMHO, a tremendous uphill struggle at best & perhaps a big mistake! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I can sense that you may love him, but also feel responsible for his well-being - again, I had similar feelings - particularily after I took her back. Unfortunately, some people, like my X for example, just do not have any really true sense (or ultimately care!)for (or about)their partner's feelings- it is only their own sense of self that matters and anything they do to show emphathy & a desire to make it right is short lived -- Once they get their own saftey net back, so to speak, they go right back to doing what they feel is best for them w/o any concern for their partner! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I know that was true with my X & lot's of people told me she demonstrated traits of a narissisits(sp?). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> it is hard for me to imagine that anyone could actually be that way & I was in denial about that for a long time, and it sounds terrible, but some people are truely that way! The difficult thing is that many times this kind of person has a certain charm or charge about them that can be appealing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I feel you need to follow through with some form of a Plan B --- I don't think you have the heart to go directly to D yet. But you defintitly do not want to act like a married couple - your instincts are right -- he would prefer to sweep it under the rug and forget about it, I am sure. You know you cannot do that.
I would not try to explain to much to your children; they will figure it out who was wrong in time. I don't thnk you want to set an example for them that you are like a doormat either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Maybe you could set a deadline for him to move out? Does he have any family nearby? Any friends? You need some quality time to yourself. Do you have a best friend you could share some of this with?
I would try to get Dobson's book as soon as possible. He has some really good perspective on exactly what you are going through right now.
Prayers are with you,
HH

SaveYourMarriageCentral. I dunno why I always type that in one word. I just do. It's run by Penny Tupy who is a Harly trained marriage coach. Her ideas are similar but there are decided differences. Some consider it to be somewhat of a sister site to MB, though that's not official or anything.

It's a lot calmer than MB. The ratio of good advice to reactive replies is very good. One mod over there recently butchered a whole slew of my posts because she felt I was being disrespectful to myself. I've never been edited by a mod for flaming myself. It was kinda weird, but shows you that it's a really safe place to be.

And you never EVER get logged out.

But there's not near as many people as on MB and you can find yourself doing a lot of posting to yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, if you want to check it out, here's the link :


Sounds like you have the ability to be a lot more calm about this.

LOL. Yeah, calm like a duck. Serene on the surface, but paddling like crazy underneath. If you go read my thread over on SYMC you'll see I'm not really as calm as I've come across here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You must have noticed that I post to myself too if no one answers? hee hee

LOL

THANK YOU FOR THIS STATEMENT DEWT!!! I needed to hear that because I have been thinking I need to divorce him NOW and just get it over with.

Well, it's like this. What actually changes on D-day? In my case, I stumbled across emails that had been collecting for months. The only thing that really changed was my level of knowledge. I became more informed. More informed makes me more able to assess the situation and thus make better choices- providing I don't let my shredded emotions lead the way.

Cause that's the other thing that can change... my attitudes and reactions to this new information have changed considerably. However the key here is that I have control over my attitudes and reactions. It's a simple decision to say that your attitudes and reactions in the face of this will be DIRECTED by YOU towards the ultimate goal that you want.

Truth is, I was blessed by D-day. It was the end of my ignorance, and a new chance to address the issues as they really are, instead of how I thought they were.

Before D-day, my marriage was doomed. My Plan A was doomed. Do you think that while having an illicit affair Dylan was even capable of being moved by my efforts? Heck, she barely even noticed them. Now, at the very least, I feel like I have a chance. It certainly is not a very big chance, or anything like that, but it's still a lot better than zero.

I've gone from a horrible limbo to a place of purpose. Once the shock of the betrayal wears off, this is not actually a bad place to be.

John

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> thanks again,

She can't figure out the calm thing either, btw. I think it's really freaking her out that I'm being so pleasant. She can't understand it (roles reversed and she'd be flipping!!!) but she can tell that it's sincere.

What can I say? I knew her before the aliens took her. The real her is in there somewhere. I'm absolutely sure that she is not enjoying this any more than I am. And her ego? That for sure is busted more than mine.

dewt

TNT_RN,


Oh goodness, please don't let our situations doubt your FWH. There are a lot of FWS's out there who are truly remorseful and changed people!! And I'm sure yours is one of them.

And, thanks for the encouragement!! I know this wouldn't be really called plan B but in my heart I feel that what I need is for him to move out. We cannot be under the same roof in order for both of us to think things through in our own hearts. With him there I am so uptight, shaky, nervous etc.
I know I would miss him terribly but hopefully he would miss me too. The part of plan B that I don't think I could do is competely stop contact with him. There is no one who could be in the middle when he took the kids and that kind of thing.

I know that if he ever contacts OW again, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I told him that - now he is willing to keep his new secret email account up on the screen at all times so I can check it. I told him it was a little too late and for all I know, he probably opened yet another secret one. He completely understands that I have no reason to believe anything he says about anything these days.
Sigh....