WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

Hey Suzy I finally made it onto the forums!

I tried to change my display name, but it doesn't seem to work!

Editted to erase my own dumb error <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hey Down - so glad to see you made it. I think we will like these boards once the kinks are ironed out!!

I know I definitely had some forum withdrawal going on!!

I received an email from Down But Trying when he couldn't get into the boards to reply. Just pasting it here to keep my thread together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Suzy,

Down But Trying here. This is the only way I could
respond since I can't seem to login to MB! GRRRR!

Anyway, my condolences for what you're going through.
You might take a look at the advice Squiggle got on
his thread about getting ready to file for D.

If there is any hope for your M, it has to be with
some firm boundries in place. That is one thing that a
good planB ought to help you establish. Remember that
it is as much, if not more for you as for WH. He needs
to see what it would be like without you, and that his
behavior won't be tolerated. But it also sets it out
clearly for you, that you won't let him treat you that
way. It sets some limits.

Kick him out. Let him find a place to go and find out
exactly what he is losing. He is NC with you until he
can demonstrate satisfactorily that he is NC with OW -
SATISFACTORILY TO YOU!

I am in recovery with my WW (I guess FWW) but I still
check up on her everyday - email, phones... He emailed
her not too long ago. Nothing real incriminating in
content. I knew it and waited. She doesn't check her
email all that much anymore, but when she got the
message, she actually told me about it. She hasn't yet
responded (she said she had a plan on how to end it,
but she still refuses to share it with me).

My point is I didn't believe a word she said about it
either, but her actions are demonstrating it by her
not communicating anymore and being open about it when
I ask her questions about how she spent her day. Trust
comes from demonstratable action, not their words.
Make him prove it if you don't trust. If he balks,
remind him that he lied before and if he is not lying
now he should have nothing to hide and no problem
easing your concerns.

It sounds to me like he is a fence-sitter. You wish he
would just take some action to put you out of your
misery. I think we all wish the same of our WS's, but
they don't appear to do it much. e has a choice to
make that he is avoiding making. You letting him stay
is letting him avoid it. PlanB will force him to make
that choice. As an added bonus, it will prepare you
for separation and divorce should that happen.

I know. Easier said than done, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But that's
what we're all here for. To provide some objective
observations.

Just MHO. You can cut and paste this into a post on
the forum if you want so I can get flamed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />,

My **#@#!# WH read part of this thread and I wanted to share his comment.

For those who said I should kick him out, he wanted to know how I am supposed to do that if he refuses to go. Good question.

Any ideas? I think I will be needing them.

Grrrrrrr,

OK, this is the way you get him to leave,

You simply say, are we going to do this amicably, and agree on things...if so, you move out so the kids and I can have some peace and you can continue your R with OW. If we are not going to do this amicably I will talk with a lawyer about getting a separation settlement written up and we can go before a judge and they will order you to leave...it's your choice...

On the Plan B idea...I think it is an excellent plan to institute the practical actions of a Plan B to save yourself (or selves, dewt) from the day to day drama, harrassment, anger, etc. Save what love you have left so you can be amicable with each other down the road. It also gives YOU time to adjust.

Bear in mind I'm no expert...

Let him know that if he doesn't go, things aren't going to end amicably. Again, these are the consequences of his actions and his choices. Why should you have to leave for his sins? If he wants to stay and smooth things over with you he has to go to extraordinary measures to show you that it is over with OW and will never be on again.

SHMI's tactic might be the ticket, but easier for me to say than for you to do.

I'm trying to remember all your recent posts. He is still in contact right?

You mentioned in another post you don't want to keep the house. If you sell it he can't stay there anymore and you can move on.

Here's an idea...

Ignore his reaction. Nobody likes to find out that people are giving their spouse advice to leave. Particularily if he feels (even a little bit) that these people are right. Hopefully after cooling down time and a period of reflection, he will realize that if you leave, it's a consequence of HIS actions, not the advice you are getting.

So do nothing. Let him stew in it. If the time comes where you 'gotta do what you gotta do,' I'm sure you will find a way.

There's one skill we BS should be taught from the first time we post. The skill of IGNORATION. As I learned how to not take stuff personally, lots of cool stuff began happening. It loses it's power to hurt. Sure it still stings a little, but when you realize most of what they say is a reflection of their own inner turmoil it's not a personal attack anymore.

dewt

First, don't worry... I try very hard not to integrate all the issues here into my M and R.

[color:"blue"]Listen up H to Suzy... if you ever hope to move forward you need to respect some boundaries here. She obviously still loves you and has some feeling left for this M... do not screw it up with your stubborn pride! You have repeatedly torn down her love and trust, you have trampled on your M vows and you continue to hurt her and your family. Now come on! If a "therapeutic separation" is the only thing that may save your M now, you would be a fool to deny her that!

Your insistence on being forceful with your will is only tempting fate and making her truly despise you, virtually eliminating all chance of reconcilliation. You have done more than enough to ruin your life and that of your family. Now take a step back and do whatever is necessary to clean up your mess! [/color]

My H, well, he is a good guy but he has done some really dumb stuff... and let's face it, part of relinquishing control and allowing him to sink or swim means that there is always a chance that I can find that it was all a lie (again!) Blind faith harldy seems fair to ask of a BS, but isn't that what we have to do if it is to be "real & true" and not just because they fear getting caught!

Dewt, I hope you are ok. I know that you love Dylan very much... still, it seems that if you allow her to continue the behavior without consequences then you are enabling the cake-eating, fence-sitting... IMHO. Have you read "Love Must be Tough" by Dr Dobson? It seems appropriate here and it helped me alot!

Suzy - what you are seeing and experiencing is the huge, massive Ego Trip of the WS who is watching his partner fall apart over him.

Do you think As sometimes become obsessive or addictive relationships in which the WS knows they should stop but don't really want to or even "can't" ?

TNT, The truth is I feel alot more 'ok' than I probably should be. DDAY#2, while coming with a bit of a shock has brought a clarity of purpose that I'm enjoying right now.

I have no intention of letting either Dylan or anyone else walk all over me anymore. I've been hurt too much and quite frankly, enough is enough. Dylan knows what the default consequences of her actions are. I've started a process that will hopefully have consequences of it's own. If that process doesn't pan out, then I'll deal with that when the time comes. But the bottom line is that a bottom line has been reached. It's the eleventh hour and we'll see what happens.

I make no secret about the fact that I have issues with Plan B. I do not want to go there, but the fact also remains that I will not stay 'here' either. If I truly have to go into Plan B, then I will. And if I do, it will be a classic, by the book, Plan B. It's true I've been an enabler of gigantic proportions. The same could be said of Dylan. But the buck absolutely stops here.

I have not read the book, though I confess that I've been wanting too for some time. Can't afford it though, so I just have to make do with what I've got.

dewt

Why is it that a wayward spouse EXPECTS to get back into good graces after he's broken his spouse's heart to pieces? Why does he think he's entitled to blanket trust on everything when he has demonstrated himself to be sneaky and untrustworthy?

Do you think she's that much of a doormat that you wouldn't have to EARN your way back into the marriage?

She's going to have days where she trusts nothing you do. Deal with it. And love her patiently through it. If she wants zero contact with you and that involves you moving out so that you can figure out whether you want the sneaky life or the good life, don't drain the last drops of love she has for you by bullying and being tyrannical about her living through your drama while you make up your mind. Your relationship with her is dying. It is time for her to take serious action to prevent her part of that relationship from further harm while you figure out what you want.

So either start acting loving or expect she will lose her love for you.

Hi guys, thanks for the support being one sided as it is.

From Suzy's Husband

Oh for Pete's sake Suzy's H....I dont see YOU posting here for support! You sound so typical of a WH and believe me, I KNOW...My WH posted on here a few times and he was given gret advice and to this day refuses to take it! If you want to post on YOUR own thread then do so, but plese do NOT take Suzy's thread and make it a pissing match between you two!

BTW, My H has been reading here again and so I STOPPED my thread cold turkey...If youwant to do the right thing, then do it, but dont instigate things here!

[color:"black"] Momto3Boys,
This is Suzy this time. [/color] Thank you!! [color:"red"]

My WH always says, even when my IC said I should kick him out (NOW), how he never got to tell his side of the story.
Honestly I am not sure what that would be.

I am a very kind and loving person who would do anything to help people. He, on the other had never wanted to open up and be loved or talk about all his MANY problems.

I was always loving towards him and then his anger and bitter ways sort of rubbed off on me over the years. Two or three years ago I told him I did not love him anymore due to the way he treated the kids and I. (The saga is somewhere on one of my other threads.)
After being treated like crap for so many years, it kinda kills the love, KWIM?
I believe I became bitter and angry towards him, however we did not have many arguements. I just did not like him, period. I pretty much ignored his presence.

I know that hurt him. I also stopped going to his softball games and being supportive of his recreational needs.
I was embarrassed one too many times when he'd get mad that he batted poorly and took it out on the fence afterwards.
It was so embarrassing. I just stopped going to the games!!

OW, on the other hand was his greatest cheerleader. She went to his softball games and also to his bowling nights.
Funny his whole bowling team and softball team knew he was married but had an OW. How sick is that? I don't even know any of them, thank goodness, as softball and bowling are across the city close to where he used to work. Also where OW is.
Tomorrow he is starting a new job, with training also on that side of the city. I'm sure he will once again drive by OW's work just to be close to her. yuck.
[color:"black"] [/color]

His side of the story would probably be that he got no SF. Well, that is true, none for the previous 8 mo before I found out about the A. But, I would cringe when he would touch me. I had that much anger toward him.
I believe his comment was, well if you can't get it at home, you gotta get it somewhere. And even though I suspected he was having an A, for the first few months, I really didn't care. It wasn't until I saw the text message from her that reality hit me in the face. I still remember it verabatim.
"you don't know how much I am longing to spend a romantic night away with you." [color:"black"] [/color] [/color]

[color:"red"] GAG ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [/color]

During plan A I tried really hard to be the wife he'd missed the past few years. I truly thought I did a great job. I was not throwing LB's at him and we were getting along really great. We both said how wierd it felt to be nice to one another. To me, it became a habit after about a month, so it was normal.
The A went on the whole time and it was very hard for me.

That is why I am now to the point where I want to scrap plan A and plan B. I went and looked at townhomes today and found a couple that I really like. I think the kids and I would do fine there. They would have to switch schools, wich I did not want. I think they would be okay though.

Gosh, it is just such a whirlwind these days. Don't know if I am coming or going.

And there you have your answer - he's not so concerned about losing you and the marriage relationship with you, but of covering his multitude of sins with what YOU did wrong to MAKE him sin.

Suzy - I suggest you take your next step to SYMC to the Protective Phase board, where your husband won't so easily be able to see what your next step is, and thus feed his illusion of continuing to control you.

Thank you KaylaAndy,

Funny I just posted on Dewt's thread that I would see him over there at SYMC! I guess I will see you too and thanks for reading my story and responding. It is so much appreciated.

Suzy

First to SUZY's HUSBAND you want to tell YOUR side of the story...so tell it! There are a lot of WH here on this board...so what is holding you back? do I sound harsh...maybe, but what a coward to come on here and take Suzy's Thread and say it is all ONE SIDED! Yes, every sitch has TWO sides...we are only hearing HER side...so go ahead...tell YOUR side...We will be glad to help you thru the pain, if YOU WANT the help...but please do NOT use this board to upset Suzy, like my husband has done to me...I have NO WHERE to go now for support!

now back to SUZY SYMC is a great place...I not only post there, but I coucel with Penny...I am also on the PP board, which I will be going back into this week...Please join us over there! There is not a lot of traffice, but you will get advice when needed Stay strong sweetie!

Momto3boys,

This is the only post my WH has ever made under his own screen name;

Confused by Suzy's husband

He and OW has discussed the possibility of a future together. At this point in our story, she had already chosen her BF (so they both told me at the time, yet continued to carry on the A.)

So, in my opinion, from this post, he did not know whether to choose me, the wife who has stood beside him through all his crap. Or her, the OW, who didn't choose him anyway.

He apparently chose OW, but continued to live under the same roof with me and lead me to believe that our relationship was blossoming. Once again, another lie.

So, if he ever comes back here and reads this, I would love to hear "his side of the story."

Momto3boys, can you tell me what the PP board is? thanks