I have been married since 7/31/04. My H and I have been together for about 4.5 years now and we've had some rough spots. We have dealt with an affair while we were dating. We basically went through it. I left him and set my guidelines, for a year and a half he proved that he was trustworthy and then we got married. Over the last 4 months, the signs have started coming. The over defensive nature, the need for privacy and space and time alone. The excessive contact with a female friend, and then very recently the unaccounted for time. On Saturday night I surprised my husband with concert tickets and we had a blast, because we moonlight together in the wee hours of the morning we went straight to work after the concert. He had taken some photos on his phone of the concert and after we got home I had asked him if I could look at the pictures on his phone... well I did and I sent one to myself, but it wasn't going through so I checked the outbox and what do I find? A text msg to his "friend" that says "Bye Lover". I immediately confronted him on it and he accused me of going through his stuff (one of his deal breakers), and said the msg didn't mean anything - it was just a term of endearment. Oh my goodness I wanted to scream, do I have IDIOT tattooed on my forehead? I had him call her and I asked her and she of course said there was nothing going on and then when I started to ask her another question he ripped the phone out of my hand, hung up and then told me "its over". We argued, quite nastily, over the next hour and then I left. I've been staying with my girlfriend for the last week... but he and I have been talking. Cheating has always been a dealbreaker for me, but he swears the msg meant nothing. He has promised to end the friendship with her to try and fix things, but yet he's still in contact with her. He's agreed to go to counseling with me and we're talking about doing the courses from this website, but he still won't admit that he cheated; and he accuses me of breaching his privacy and not being able to trust me either because I went through his things... so now he's just going to always have to delete his msgs from his phone.

I don't know what to do or where to begin or even if I should. I've been doing a lot of soul searching these last couple days and every time I close my eyes to sleep I can only picture them together, he says I'm fixating and that nothing happened... but to me infidelity is not just about sex, its about sharing intimacies with another person that only an H&W should share, that msg regardless of the meaning behind it was enough to be infidelity for me.

I've ordered "surviving an affair", but it hasn't even been a year and this is the 2nd time this has happened. We've already rebuilt the trust once... is there another chance or do I look like the patsy if I take him back again? I want to work things out because I love him with my whole soul and when I said "I Do" I meant everything that entails. I asked him this morning to tell me what marriage means to him, I guess he's working on it.

Seeking Guidance Please.

Shannon

Just Married,
We all feel like patsys at one point or another. Can you work thru it?

Your H's boundary of privacy ie secrecy is not proper. Does he want to be married or not? It's a simple question. Your private life is open to your spouse.

You went thru his things bc you had reason. Cheaters always turn the trust issue around on the betrayed. "I can't trust you bc you went thru my things." Utterly moronic logic.

Term of endearment??? Huh. Since when do you call a "friend" lover?

Many men have issues dealing with exclusivity during the first year of marriage. He may feel trapped. I did.

If your young with no kids and he continues this behavior, I'd get out while therearen't alot of ties.

If he doesn't think he cheated emotionally, buy the book "Not Just Friends." Make him read it as a condition of staying married.

It defines an emotional affair as any relationship that has all of the following elements:

Secrecy- that's a given in your situation

Intimacy- not the sexual kind. does he share his feelings with her?

Sexual Chemistry- Most men have sexual chemistry with a number of women

The question is whether it was returned feeling from her and whether they discussed their feelings for each other.

Will he send a NC letter?

Mac

Thank you for your words Mac,

Its not that I feel like I need justification for my emotions, I just feel so alone, confused, manipulated and betrayed right now. All my friends say that I should not even try, but the thought of that almost seems more awful to me than the thought of the A. Thank you for your advice, I have ordered the "Not Just Friends" book as well as a few others.

I am realizing as I read other posts and replies that the NC letter is a big deal and will be a necessity if we decide to work this out.

I guess this is like a double betrayal for me because I considered her a friend as well.

Sigh... at least here's a place to start... thank you very much.

Hi Shannon,
Everyone hear at MB know how isolated you feel. Sometimes I wish we had actual MB support groups established accross the country to help alleviate those feelings of solitude.

Makes it even worse when the few people whom you confide in start giving you advice to dump him.

Wait until Not Just Friends arrives before you discuss the concept of a NC letter. I say that bc it sounds like he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

Once he realizes that he's had an EA or as my wife said," an affair if you take the definition in that 'book'." he may be more amenable.

Keep posting there are numerous women here who will empathize with your situation.

BTW, there is much more posting traffic over on General QuestionsII