Those of you who have followed the tragic saga of Mr. & Mrs. VnusMars know that I said "it goes to Plan B in March if OM is still around."

Well, here it is late March - and while I didn't do an official Plan B necessarily, I definitely started NC with my WW/BW.

I realized that there are 2 reasons why I need this:

Reason #1
Obviously, I need to exit this insane triangle of Me, Her, and OM. She's been fence-sitting for a LONG time (about 8 months now), embracing me when she needs me but then running off to OM too.
I've tolerated it because I want to rebuild, and I love her, and I was hoping she would come out of it sooner or later, but in point of fact I was making it worse by giving her reasons to keep the status quo.
The real telling moments were within the last few weeks when she basically said "you have no right to be mad about my A after the many A's you had" and "I feel no remorse for having an A because it revealed your cheating." This type of "what I did was OK because of what you did" is the most ludicrous and illogical bit of reasoning I have EVER heard come out of this otherwise intelligent woman.

Also, she demonstrated that she's been hell-bent on turning OM into the Next Big Thing when she's already sure it's futile. She admitted he said that he isn't in love with her...and seemed to almost agree when I said "you need to break that off so you can find yourself" but then within hours was right back in his good graces.

Nope...can't stick around for THAT brand of insanity ANY LONGER. She wants to live in OM Fantasyland, she is welcome to do so without me standing by.


Reason #2
I have slowly started to see that the self-esteem and validation issues that were at the root of my cheating...are also at the root of why I have stayed in this unhealthy triangle this long.
I'm NEEDY, and ADDICTED to validation, and that includes attention from my wife. And I don't mean the healthy, equal, purposeful love two married people give, take and enjoy...I mean that all throughout our marriage I have relied on her to give me direction, purpose, and identity.
So - I need to break away from her so I can "break the habit" of her. Not only will breaking the habit keep me from tolerating her bad behavior and justifications, but it will allow me to TRULY love her, in a real and healthy way.

If I stop NEEDING her, and instead just WANT her, then that will mean I'm strong enough to be on my own but I prefer not to be. And someone who is that strong shouldn't feel the need to cheat on their S so they can feel good about themselves.
She mentioned this to her IC and he about flipped his lid...after all their talk about how I must be a Narcissist, I think this is the first clue to them that I'm not, that my problem lies elsewhere.

Make sense?

Of course, upon saying all of this to my WW/BW right before going NC, she latched onto the "addicted to my wife" idea as if it were the main reason, because of COURSE she isn't going to say much about my main reason being OM and the sick and twisted Fog she is in.

So...I tried to start NC last Friday - we had long talks and emails about how some time off would be good for both of us - then she went to Las Vegas with OM for the weekend.

We talked when she came back, and I totally flipped out and dropped tons of Love Bombs on her, yelling and screaming about how much could she have loved me when she was *&%$ing another man yaddayaddayadda...
So I kinda blew it.
But, we talked again and things are back on track.
More than anything I wanted to make sure NC started on a positive, hopeful, sad and difficult note. I wanted her to know how hard this is going to be for me and how much I miss and love her, that I remain true to my goals even when she's not there to monitor my progress, that the only reason I'm doing this is because of decisions she has made that are based on decisions I made too.

Now all I can say is.....HELP!!!!!
This is going to be the hardest time yet. It already is.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good.

Now, draft yourself a plan B letter and run it by the people here.

Do this right.

-ol' 2long

Hi Vnus,

Just wanted to echo 2long and say please do the Plan B the correct way, with a letter and a clear path home if she ends her affair and you decide you still want to rebuild.

This is about you now Vnus, not about her "monitoring your progress".

Plan B is to protect you from the pain of the rollercoaster. It is also about boundaries. You have a new boundary and it is called "I will not tolerate infidelity." I will not be a party to the violation of our sacred marriage vows.

You are not the man you once were, the man who would violate his own marriage vow. And neither will you be a party to your spouses violation of them.

Time to let go of your own past mistakes and really become who you are now.

Plan B is also about healing. You need to heal Vnus. This has been a very painful, very traumatic time for you. It has also been a period of tremendous growth and introspection. Also, I would imagine a time of feeling the pain you have caused others. You need to be alone for awhile, away from all the chaos.

Hang in there Vnus. You can do this, I know you can!

WEAVER!
Thanks for the kind words.

I DID do a "Plan B letter" of sorts today, and sent it. No, it probably wouldn't meet with the tacit approval of this board, but I worked on it long and hard and said the things I felt I needed to say.

And, I think, said the things you mentioned above - a summary of some of the key points:
1. "NC is because of you and OM, I can't learn fidelity when I'm tolerating its opposite."
2. "If you end that A and want to try again, call me."

I also threw in a simple and undeniable fact:
3. "This is for me to heal and grow and break my unhealthy 'addiction' to you."

I clarified all of that in my email to her today because she had taken the 'addiction' idea and run with it, and was ignoring the whole part about her having an affair and me not tolerating it....yes, OF COURSE she ignored that part <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've come to realize that part of what helped me cheat on her also was helping me cheat on MYSELF during these last few months of enabling her A and being a doormat - I have problems with being codependent, enmeshed, and I attach too much of my self-worth to how she sees me.

I have always been willing to go NC with her from a "BS" perspective, in light of her A and fence-sitting and stupid justifications that what she's doing is right.
But the "FWS" side of me clung to her for dear life because I wanted to prove I love her enough not to do it again.

And I do love her. I told her a few days ago that I think I love her more now than I did before D-Day, because back then my love was being polluted by my cheating and rationalizations and stupidity.
Now that those pollutants aren't there, my true love for her can really shine for the first time in a long time.

But that "love" is still somewhat tainted by "addiction," and I have to learn how to live without her so that someday soon I can be with her because I WANT to, not because I NEED to.

There's a great post on the Surviving Infidelity board by someone named "norah" that talks about "detachment" and how it's healthy for the detacher.

So yes, Weaver, this is just as much about healing and growing as it is stepping away from her fantasy and fog.

However.....
The addiction to my W is strong. I sit here tonight not having heard from her in 24 hours (she TM'd me last night to say good luck on a show I was playing where I was the featured artist), and I'm jonesing. I'm trying to resist the cell phone, or turning on Instant Messenger (ya know what, I'm going to post this message and then uninstall it entirely).

I know I'll be OK, I just have to kick the habit and then start learning to love myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Auuugghhhhh...

Boy I knew this was going to be difficult...but this is NUTS.

I'm on the verge of tears just about every 15 minutes or so.
I find my finger poised over the speed dial button dedicated to my BW/WW a few times a day.
I write emails to her and then delete them just before I make the mistake of hitting 'send.'
I drove by her apartment on my way back from the store just 30 minutes ago and I nearly crashed the car because I started sobbing.
Forget listening to my favorite CD's, they all have love songs on them.

Who knew NC would be this hard, and it's only been a FEW DAYS????

<sigh>
The biggest part of NC for me was getting away from her R with OM. But another part of it, the part she latched on to (of course, because she wasn't about to latch onto her AFFAIR as a reason) is breaking my addiction to her...
And that's not going well.

Believe me, I'm RELIEVED to be away from the constant reminders of OM and the sadness that came from being with her knowing she was just going to be talking to him later.

But I am having a hard time separating the "addiction" - the part of my desire for her that is unhealthy, that pins self-worth on her opinion of me...from the TRUE LOVE I feel for her. I'm scared to death that they're the same thing, or that I won't be able to separate them.

I miss her so badly.
I'm pretty sure she misses me too, she did send me a TM that said "don't respond to this text but the last couple of days have been the hardest of my life. I am suffering alone. OM doesn't know and won't know my horrible anguish. I miss you."
I was a moron and wrote back "I miss you too" and felt like a stupid idiot for doing it since I'm supposed to be strong and not succumb to those temptations....but I did. Fortunately she hasn't written back.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Vnus,

You're going to have to block her email addy, and you may have to block her phone # too.

Breaking addictions take drastic measures.

If you have ever tried to quit smoking then you know that you must use your mind to your advantage. When I quit smoking I could not allow myself to think about cigarettes at all. As soon as the thought of having a smoke crept into my mind I immediately switched it to something else. It took a great deal of true desire on my part to find this kind of will power. In other words you have to be convinced that you are doing the right thing.

You know you are doing the right thing, right? The only thing that will save your marriage if it can be saved. It's really out of your control and has been once she made the choice to remain in this affair. The only thing you have control over now is how you remove yourself from it. And this is the best way.

For me the first three weeks of no contact were the worst, but I was convinced it was the only way. And it was.

It might be a good time to get away from your apartment for awhile if you can swing it. Go on a vacation or go visit someone you are close to. Even go try and connect with nature somewhere.

Wish there was more to say which would help.

Don't cave Vnus. This is the time to gather every ounce of strength you have, any way you can and use it.

I know you are not religious, but if you believe in a higher power even if it is the collective universal energy which works for our good, call on it. I use to pray almost non-stop thoughout the day for God to take away my pain. That alone brought me a great deal of peace.

Weaver...

Yes, I have to keep remembering that one thing...

'THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.'

And I do still believe it can be saved.
The primary obstacle at this point is her ongoing A with OM...if that disappears, then it will be the normal "recovery and learning to trust again" process.
Unfortunately, I think she sees that process as completely impossible right now. But if she would just believe...

As for me...
I know it will take a few weeks to be OK. The big thing I'm worrying about now is that in a few weeks, SHE will be OK too and not miss me or want me around anymore.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I know that's probably not true, that out of sight out of mind will only kick in if we really weren't meant to be together in the first place...
But it still bothers me.

As for me...
I'm working on it. I have plenty of things to get me through the rough time - I started taking German at the local college, I'm joining a gym, I teach my lessons, volunteer at the humane society, see my IC... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
And I have friends at work who know what's going on - they know the WHOLE story in fact, which shows how decent they are that they can believe I'm capable of change - so they're more than willing to help too.