Hi all!
It was not easy with this board being down the past few days. Anyway, had a meeting at the courthouse this morning with WW and her atty and my atty. It went reasonably well I guess. Her atty started things off by saying that one of two things could be accomplished this morning. 1) we could talk about a temporary arrangement while we work on settlement. 2) We could talk settlement.
My atty responded that we were not ready to talk settlement due to the fact that I didnt want the D and I wished for reconciliation. Her atty responded that she wanted D, and didnt think she had changed her mind. She affirmed it by saying she wanted D. At that point, I said that it seemed unlikely that she would change her mind and that maybe we should proceed accordingly. At this point we discussed a few things. She was really p#$%ed that I had locked her out of the house and that she couldnt come by and see our pets, which she said were like her kids. My atty said that she had abandoned the M and the home and that if I didnt want her there, I was well within my rights. Her atty also asked for an agreement that I would not contact her employer and get her fired (workplace A). My atty responded that "Mr. CNT could not fire hire, only her supervisors could fire her, and that if she has done something to violate the terms of her employment Mr. CnT is not responsible for that." Oh my, you should have seen the squirming on their side of the table! Anyway, at this point we adjourned to speak privately with our atty's. My atty and I prepared a proposal for settlement (basically giving her nothing other than what she came into the M with). My atty then presented it to her atty, along with notification that he would be sending subpeonna over this afternoon for her sworn deposition that he will take from her. My atty said that he thought we would hear from them in a couple of days and that they will likely agree in order to avoid the deposition. They already know that we will take a deposition from OM as well if they dont agree. After the D is final, we will announce our intention to file intentional infliction of emotional distress suit against OM. My atty thinks he will try to settle out of court to avoid workplace exposure and termination of position and subsequent loss of SEC investment licenses. Anyway, I think it went very well. I asked atty about dating before D is final and he said that with my sitch and evidence I could pretty well do as I please without any repercussions. We will see if I feel right about it or not. I will probably counsel with my pastor on that tonight.

CNT - I am really confused about your situation. You started posting in January, not believing your wife was having an affair, and here we are at the end of March and you two are "full speed ahead" toward a divorce. The part that confuses me is some of your statements that contradict your actions:


uh huh....all this could turn out to be quite postive....in the arms of another woman. Let's stroke that ego.


News flash! Attorneys are NOT marriage counselors. Most of them are NOT interested in being obedient to God's commands. They "look out for" the legal interests of their clients...period. Hopefully your pastor will be a bit more attuned to being obedient to God. CNT, you are married, even if you are separated. You should not be dating. In addition, should a divorce happen, you probably should wait about a year BEFORE engaging in any dating. It's going to take time to recover and get your feet back under you either way, and you need to recover before playing the "dating game" should your marriage actually end.

I get the impression that you consider yourself to be a Christian. If that is incorrect, please let me know. I could not figure out from your previous postings if your wife is a Christian or not. It would be helpful if you could let us know her faith status too.

CNT, do you love your wife? Do you want to save her from her adultery? Are you willing to suffer for her, even though she doesn't deserve your sacrifice, merely because she IS your wife and your covenantal partner with God in your marriage? Are you willing to fight...or is it easier to quit and take your bat and ball and go home?

CNT, I am really confused as to how to advise you, I think because YOU don't really know what you want at this point either. So, with that in mind, what DO you want?

God bless.

Crushed,
I am so sorry for your pain. I am going to be getting a D from my second WH soon. So I don't know how that will play out. We will use a mediator hopefully so that attorneys wont be involved.

After reading your post today though, it brought me back to the time of my first D. It was so painful. We didn't have kids. We met with our attorney ( we shared an attorney -- BIG mistake!!)
Our meeting was to discuss who gets what in the process of splitting up things. We sat at the table. I remember the attorney these long fingernails - too long for a guy. I remember staring at those awful fingernails to keep myself from crying. I finally could not take it anymore and said I can't do this and I got up and ran out of the room. I left. I couldn't bear to do it.
Then we met again at a later date. I don't remember that exactly but it must have gone better the second time. ( I was about 16-17 years ago.)
Now, I have to do it all over again with WH #2!!

I'm sorry I haven't read your previous posts. You mentioned dating again. I did get involved (too soon, I'm sure) with someone after my first D. I was lucky in the respect that we were both going through the EXACT same thing so it was a rebound relationship for both of us.
Be careful, as you don't want to hurt another person if you are in a rebound relationship and they are expecting a longterm committment. It could get messy. I will read up on your posts. Like I said I didn't do that first so what I am saying may be WAY off here.
Sounds like it went well for you today though and that is what counts. One day at a time. Good luck.

Forever,
yeah, I will be the first to admit that it was quite a blow to my ego for my WW to leave me for OM. I know that as Christians we are not supposed to have egos, but that is one of my faults. I admit it and do my best to control it. So, yes, a little ego stroke helped move me past my self pity and that is a very good thing. It also helped me realize the blessings in my life instead of focusing so much on what was missing.
My attorney is a pro-marriage attorney. He even stated in our meeting that I did not want this divorce and that I preferred to reconcile. WW immediately stated that she was dead set on divorce. As for my wife, I pray that one day she will answer the Lord's call and find true happiness, whether it is with me or not. Honestly, I dont think I want her back if she doesnt answer His call. I dont want a missionary marriage. I want a partner that is full of the spirit.
As for loving my wife. Yes, of course I do. But right now my wife doesnt exist. The person she is now, I dont even know. Maybe I am being too negative, but I have had no contact with her since I caught her spending the night at OM's house. She has been living with a gf and I locked her out of the house and told her nc with me until affair ended, which to this day, it still has not. So, I dont see it ending before the D is final. I do see it ending after the D.
As for dating, I am not out there looking to get into any relationship. I am just making friends and getting out of the house. I see no purpose in sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself.

CNT - huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

We all have egos, Christians and nonChristians alike. It's part of our emotional makeup. But you are right, we do have control our actions in response to what we are feeling. It's sort of like the difference between righteous anger and sinful anger/actions.



I perfectly understand this feeling. It's also consistant with biblical directive regarding an unbelieving spouse who wishes to leave.



Okay, the possible problem with this approach is at least twofold;

1. Your "kicking her out" is what most WS's would expect and you will consistantly find here on MB former WS's who were amazed and ultimately very grateful that their BS did NOT "immediately kick them to the curb."

2. There has been NO time for a Plan A. Plan B is really not supposed to be implemented until a good Plan A has been done without getting the affair to end or die of "natural causes." Without a Plan A, the WS has no "new you" to compare. All they have is the "same old you" that led them to the affair to begin with.

CNT, as hard as it is to deal with, and it IS hard, the issue is first her willfull disobedience to God. The sin is first against God. Until she faces that fact and repents, there will be no hope for your marriage. Your focus, as hard as it might be to deal with all the emotions, is to be Christ's representative in your marriage and help your wife to understand that she is sinning against two people in your marriage covenant, God and you. But it is her standing with God, regardless of the future outcome of your marriage, that is paramount. Unrepentant Adulterers will NOT be in heaven. She is playing with "major fire here" and your concern of love should be first for her soul, then for your marriage.

It's NOT easy, believe me, I know.

So I'm hoping you can at least have some dialog with your wife or that someone can witness to her about her faith and rebellion against God.

God bless.

ForeverHers, I have spoken with many Christians including pastors, preachers, elders in the Church, etc. I have also read Christian books. From everything I have been told and that I have read if your spouse is actively cheating/ actively invloved in an affair you are not suppose to allow them to remain living with you. If you do that then you are behaving as an enabler and sending the message that you are okay with the affair. If possible ,after the affair is ended, then you should reconcile and try to restore the marriage. If your heart has grown cold and you are not able to try again then the Bible does allow divorce when adultry has occured, but divorce always saddens our Lord.

Texas, if you ask a preacher that goes by the word then you are never allowed to date while you are still married. After a divorce has occured then you may start dating when you feel you are ready. For some people that may be very quickly after the divorce. Maybe even a week after the divorce. For others it may be ten years down the road before they are ready to start dating someone. Each person is different. According to the world you may date before you are divorced, but if you are a Christian trying to follow God's ways then that is not okay for you. "I see no purpose in sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself. " You should have friends and enjoy life. I agree with that 100%! You sound like a really good person. Stay Strong.
Stormy

Hey Guys, had to re-register to be able to post. This has been terribly frustrating.
Forever,
I didnt kick her out of the house. She first moved into the spare bedroom when evidence of the A came to light. She still denied and continues to deny despite all of the evidence to the contrary. I did plan A at that point and continued with plan A even when she moved out to live with a girlfriend in order to get space. It was textbook fog babble the whole time. Even did the reverse babble thing. So, things moved pretty quickly as she slipped deeper into the A. I finally reached the point of NC when I caught her spending the night at OM's house. Even at this point she continued to deny, to me at least.
I agree wholeheartedly with you in regards to her soul. As a matter of fact, I have been praying that she would answer his call and save herself from the road she is headed down, irregardless of whether we are ever together again or not. Interesting thing, I normally attend the 9:45 service at church. I missed yesterday due to the time change and thought about going to the 11am service instead. I ended up watching Joel Osteen and missing that as well. I was glad I did as my brother's wife told me that WW was at that service. To my knowledge this is the first time she has attended church since the separation. Also, this is the same church we were married in, and the same pastor that performed the ceremony. I am not sure if it means anything other than maybe the Lord is starting to work on her. Maybe she will answer his call. We will see.
In the meantime, opening day for my baseball team is Thursday evening and we open with a four game homestand. The team just arrived from Arizona this morning and will have a public workout tomorrow night. Cant wait to see what we have this season. I think it will be therapeutic for me.

stormydakota - Perhaps you'd like to discuss this a little further. I think you may be operating under a misconception from what you posted. Here's something to think about while you think about responding. Are you saying that someone must be "sinless" and "perfect" or else you won't live with them as you try to end the sinning and follow God in humble obedience? Or do you just "isolate" the kick 'em out reflex to the sin of adultery?

You have to understand that standing for God's commands and lovingly interceding, as well as enduring, is part of your covenant commitment of "for better or for worse," imho. It is NOT the same thing as "saying nothing" and tactily enabling the sin to continue unabated. There IS a point at which separation may be the only course, but generally speaking it comes AFTER witnessing for the Lord, not in place of.

With respect to Plan B before Plan A, perhaps in some extreme cases, but not as a "rule."

The Key Thought is that not only should your WS submit their actions to God's commands regardless of how they are feeling, so should the BS submit their actions to God's commands regardless of how THEY are feeling. We don't want to fall into the trap of "making excuses" for sin. This is part of the idea behind the admonition about "Righteous Anger," "Be angry, but in your anger do not also sin."

If you'd like to discuss it further, let me know. Instead of hijacking this thread we could start a separate thread.

God bless.